A Thousand Cuts

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Someone told you about that, did they?

Who?

Whoever. Doesn’t matter to me.

What did they say?

Whatever. They can say what they like. And anyway I’m glad. I’m glad we did it. I’d do it again if I could. I’d do it even better. I wouldn’t get in trouble for it neither. They’d be thanking me. They’d be cheering me. They’d be saying I did em all a favour.

Why do you wanna know?

Why, what does it matter?

Am I gonna get paid for this?

So why should I?

Fuck you. Arrest me for what?

Obstructing. What the fuck am I obstructing? You’re the one obstructing me. And anyway, you can’t arrest me. I’m too young. You can’t do anything to me.

Do me a favour. They only send you to them places if you’ve killed someone, shagged some tart and she’s called it rape. You might get em to give me an asbo but I’ve always sort of fancied one of them.

Fuck it though. I’ll tell you. Doesn’t matter now, does it? Like I say, you should be thanking me. The teachers, the parents, your lot: you should be thanking me.

We knew he was a freak from the start, me and Don. It was obvious. You just had to look at him. His beard. I mean, fuck. What was he thinking? Did he look in the mirror in the morning and think, yep, that’s the look I’m going for: I want my face to look like an arse. The ladies’ll just love it. And his clothes. I never knew it was possible to wear so much brown. His jacket was brown, his shirt was brown, his trousers were brown, his socks were brown. He had brown shoes and brown pants probably, ha, yeah, brown pants. But that’s another story innit?

He was an immigrant. That’s what he told us. He wasn’t ashamed of it neither. He was boasting about it, making out he was better than the rest of us. Teachers aren’t supposed to do that, are they? They’re not supposed to insult you. Like when I told him my name. He asked me and I told him and he didn’t believe me. Said I was a liar. Called me one to my face. Threatened to hit me. Teachers aren’t supposed to do that either. Or maybe he said he’d touch me, which when you think about it is even worse. So he was threatening us and insulting us and acting like he was some kind of big shot even though he wasn’t no older than a sixth-former.

Do you know what he did? This is funny. His first class, right, and guess what he does. He runs out blubbing. Can you believe it? Although you’re a bird so you probably cry all the time. Like my sister, she’s always fucking snivelling, saying Gi did this, Gi did that, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

All right all right. Don’t get your tits in a twist. I was coming to that, wasn’t I?

The football match.

This is much later though. We did loads of good stuff to him before then. Like the turd, that was funny, and the Guy Fawkes we made of him and set alight on the hockey pitch. And this one time we bought these eggs, right, and pierced em so they’d go off. Then we—

All right, whatever. Your loss. You’ll never know now, will you?

The football match. We have this match, right? Once a year. Just before Christmas usually but this time it was afterwards, cos of all the snow and that. It’s teachers against the first team. It’s Terence’s thing, he organises it. Terence. Most people call him TJ. Or Twat Jam. We just call him Terence cos it’s Terence he hates the most. So it’s Terence’s thing, he loves it. You should of seen him when Bickle made him put it on hold. It was like he’d been promised an Action Man for Christmas but got given Fag Hag Barbie instead.

Me and Don, we were in the team. The first team. Don was up front. He was captain. I play midfield. Terence is the coach. He calls himself the coach – no, that’s not right, what he calls himself is the manager – but he does fuck-all coaching if you ask me, and fuck-all managing come to that. What he does is he makes the first team play the second team and he makes one player from the first team sit on the bench so that he can take his place. So Terence’ll be in defence for five minutes while the defender’s off the field, and then he’ll swap with a midfielder while the midfielder takes a rest, and then he’ll swap with a striker. Mainly he swaps with the strikers. He never goes in goal. There’s never anything to do in goal cos the second team are shite. There’s no point playing em really. We usually win like eleven-nil. Our record is twenty-four-nil. This was in a sixty-minute game. Ask Terence if you don’t believe me. He’s always going on about it cos he got a double hat-trick.

Anyway, teachers against the first team. Terence loves it but when it comes to getting a team together he always starts bitching, saying it’s hardly fucking fair, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this rabble, I’ve barely got enough for eleven. Basically, the only teachers who are halfway decent are Grunt and Jesus Roth. And Bickle always refs so that’s one less for Terence to choose from, not that Bickle’d be any good, I mean he’d probably have a colonary. So apart from Grunt and Roth there’s Terence and Boardman, although Boardman’s older than Bickle, and Daniels, he teaches physics right, which just about says it all, and there’s… oh fuck , I dunno. The point is there’s hardly anyone.

So Terence is getting desperate, right? I mean, he’s already drafted in the caretaker and the guy who sorts out the DVDs. Mr Pressplay we call him. But he still needs a keeper, right, just someone to stand between the posts.

Wow. That must be why you’re a detective. You’re like frigging Columbo. Or that bird, ha, yeah, that old biddy who goes around solving murders. Only she was better looking.

Fuck knows how he managed to convince him. Maybe he didn’t convince him. Maybe he, I dunno. Made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. Whatever. I just remember we’re all on the field and it’s pissing down and it’s fucking freezing and we’re like, what the fuck are we doing out here? And Don, right, he goes, fuck this lads, I ain’t losing a testicle just so Terence has something else to do but sit at home and play with his. And he starts walking off and the rest of us, we follow. There’s a crowd along the touchline, all with umbrellas and that, and the rest of the school’s inside, all toasty and smug, watching out through the classroom windows. And everyone starts pointing and someone starts booing and Bickle, he’s doing lunges in the centre circle, he stops and he puts his hands on his hips and then he’s digging in his pocket for his whistle. He blows. He shouts, he goes, you boys, where the blazes do you think you’re going, and Don, he shouts back, he goes, the library, sir, and, just a little bit quieter, where do you fucking think? And we’re all looking at Bickle, wondering what he’s gonna do after that. But it turns out he doesn’t need to do anything cos that’s when Manchester United come running out on to the pitch.

They’re wearing the strip. All of em. Not just the shirt, I don’t mean just the shirt. They were wearing the full kit: black socks, white shorts, red top. And Terence, he’s got on green boots. Green ones. Such a cock.

We stop. I mean, us lot, we’ve got the school kit on, which is blue and white stripes, like Wigan or, I dunno, like Brighton. Cept it’s all faded and torn and it stinks of vegetables even when it’s just been washed. We’ve been going on at Terence that we need a new kit and he’s always like, you’ll get a new kit when you deserve a new kit. And here’s him poncing about in a kit so fresh off the boat from India or wherever it’s made that you can practically smell the curry.

It would of been annoying if the lot of em didn’t look so fucking ridiculous.

Check it out, goes Don and he’s pointing at Terence and Roth. It’s the Neville brothers! Which one are you, Terence?

And Terence, he checks Bickle isn’t looking and he grins at Don and slips him the bird. Then he turns around and points with his thumb at his back. He’s wearing number seven and he’s got Beckham across his shoulders. Which is funny enough, right, but then Roth turns around and he’s wearing a Beckham shirt too. And Boardman is. And Grunt is. And Mr Pressplay is. All of em are. And this is just too much.

They couldn’t agree. I found this out later. Terence wanted to be Beckham but so did Boardman. Then Roth, he decides he wants to be Beckham too. And Terence goes, I’m captain so I have to be Beckham, it’s obvious. And Boardman goes, maybe if Beckham were still playing for United but he isn’t. If you’re captain then you have to be Gary Neville. And Terence is like, fuck that, there’s no way I’m being Gary Neville. So in the end they order ten identical shirts and all of em get to pretend they’re shagging Posh.

But it gets better. Bumfluff, he can’t be David Beckham, can he? Bumfluff is playing in goal, which means he gets a costume all of his own.

We hear the cheer before we see him. By this time we’re all lined up again cos we’re obviously gonna play em now, I mean they look ridiculous already but we also wanna make em look stupid, right? So we’re ready and Terence’s lot are ready and Bickle’s ready and the only thing missing is Peter Schmeichel. And Terence is looking around, he’s like, where the fuck is he, and then we hear this clapping on the sidelines, just quiet at first, down at one end. But then some of the kids pull back and Bumfluff appears and by the time he steps on to the pitch even the teachers are applauding and hollering and whistling, you know like workmen whistle when they see a decent rack.

You know those big foam hands those dickhead Americans wear when they go and watch baseball? Imagine Bumfluff in two of them: at the end of his scrawny arms, his goalie gloves look like that. And his shorts, they’re bright yellow and so baggy you could of got two of him standing in each leg. Although you can only really see the bottoms of em cos the rest is somewhere under his shirt, which is yellow too but sort of splattered with black. It’s like he’s wearing a bumblebee outfit his mum’s made him but she’s got the measurements all wrong. And maybe he’s having trouble walking in it and that’s why he’s fifty yards behind the rest of em. Or maybe he just wanted to make an entrance. Maybe he wanted to make sure that everyone’s eyes would be on him.

I grin at Don and Don grins at me. We don’t say anything. We don’t need to. But right then: that’s when we decide.

Bickle blows and Terence kicks off. He knocks it to Roth and Roth knocks it back and Terence launches one straight at the goal. It’s a crap shot. The ball doesn’t even reach the keeper. So now we’ve got it and Scott, he plays in defence, he passes it to me and Terence is behind me but I do this little turn, like this, like imagine the ball’s here, right, I do this, and Terence is left standing there and I knock the ball out wide. Micky plays on the right, he’s well quick, he picks up the ball and he knocks it on and he’s legging it down the wing and he’s past Mr Pressplay and he whips in this cross and Don gets a head to it but he puts it inches wide. Bumfluff, he’s just standing there. He has no idea what’s going on. Terence is shouting at him, telling him to watch his back fucking post, and Bumfluff looks at the goalpost like he’s only just noticed it’s there. And while Terence and Boardman are arguing about who’s gonna take the goal kick, Don goes over to Bumfluff. He says, nice outfit, Mr Shitecoughski sir. Did you choose the colour yourself? And Bumfluff sort of looks down at what he’s wearing like, what, what’s wrong with luminous yellow, and while he’s doing that Don brushes past him and lands his studs on Bumfluff’s toes.

He squealed. I mean, he actually squealed. We went on this school trip once, to this farm or something, and Scott, he brought his catapult and a bag of carpet tacks. It was well funny. The cows didn’t hardly feel anything but the pigs… Honestly, it was fucking hilarious.

But you know what a squealing pig sounds like, don’t you? You get to hear it all the time.

So Bumfluff squeals and he goes down but nobody’s taking any notice cos the ball is back in play. Mr Pressplay’s got it. He passes it inside and the caretaker gives it back and then Mr Pressplay knocks one across to Terence. Terence shoots again, from the edge of the area this time. All day long. That’s what I say to him. Is that all you’ve got? And he’s jogging towards me and I’m standing there and he dips his shoulder, like this, and it feels like I’ve run bicep first into a doorframe. And I’m like, fucking hell Terence you cocksucker. And Terence turns and he’s like, watch your mouth, boy, I’m still your fucking teacher. And I wanna say something back but Bickle’s watching us now so I just hold up my good arm for the ball.

It’s out with Micky again. This time he loses it to Mr Pressplay and the ball goes loose and Terence is nearer but I’m quicker. I get it and Terence is behind me and he’s expecting me to do the turn, right, the one I showed you before, but instead what I do is—

What? I’m telling you, aren’t I?

No you didn’t, you said you wanted me to tell you what happened at the match.

Well, you should of fucking said so.

You fucking didn’t. Jesus Christ. You’re worse than my fucking mum.

All right all right. It wasn’t till the second half though. I mean, loads of stuff happened before then, like Don, he scored this blinding volley, right—

Can I at least tell you the score? Are you gonna get your period if I tell you the score?

Four-nil. We were four-nil up at half-time. The teachers, they’re fucking shattered. Terence is on his feet but the rest of em haven’t got the juice to suck on a piece of orange. Us lot, we’re having a brilliant time. Mickey’s doing keepy-ups and Don’s lighting up a fag and the rest of us are just chatting and messing about. We could of been seven or eight up, easy. I mean, we’ve won. It’s only half-time but basically we’ve won. So when Bickle blows his whistle and we jog back on to the pitch, that’s when Don gives me the nod. The game’s over, right? Time for a bit of fun.

Bumfluff is last on again. He’s in a state. He hasn’t touched the ball all match, cept for when he’s been picking it out of the net and rolling it out to Terence, but he’s fallen over a fair few times; fallen or been made to fall. So he’s covered in mud and he’s limping from where Don stamped on him and he’s got a bruise across his ribs probably cos that’s where I gave him a little dig when I was up on his line for a corner. Oh, I didn’t say, did I, I can’t believe I didn’t say. Don pulled down his shorts. In front of everyone. We were all waiting for a free kick and Terence, he was shouting at Bumfluff, saying, watch it, Sam, don’t fucking miss it, here it comes now, and Bumfluff almost looked like he was making an effort. He had his knees bent and he was holding his hands up in front of his chin and his tongue was sticking out between his teeth and just as the ball came over and Bumfluff was about to make this leap into the air, Don crouches down behind him and gives his shorts a tug.

The ball went in. Bumfluff fell over and the ball went in. If someone had been filming it we’d of been, thank you very much: five hundred quid from You’ve Been Framed.

Anyway, the point is that when it comes to the second half Bumfluff is looking a bit sorry for himself, like he’d rather take a kick in the nuts than come back out on to the field. But us lot, we’re buzzing, and I know you don’t want to hear it all but basically we kick off and pass it around and one thing leads to another and we end up getting a corner. Happy with that or was that too much detail?

So this is it. Micky’s taking the corner and Don and me are standing on the edge of the box. Mr Pressplay’s got a post and Grunt’s come back to pick up Scott and Terence is covering the short one. The caretaker’s taking care of me and Don but we make it easy for him cos we don’t move. Yet. Bumfluff, he’s just standing on his line. He’s not even looking at the ball. What he’s looking at is the two of us, like he knows what’s about to happen. But he can’t do anything about it, can he? There’s nothing that he can do.

Micky knocks it in. It goes high. Mr Pressplay leaves his post. Scott draws Roth to one side. Don moves. I move. The caretaker doesn’t know which way to move. The ball’s falling now and Bumfluff’s watching it but he’s also watching us. He sees us coming. He sees us smiling. The ball finds someone’s head but I don’t know whose cos I wasn’t looking. It bounces in front of us. It bounces in front of Bumfluff. It distracts him, just for a second. He flaps at it. He misses. Don slides and I slide. The ball goes in, I think, but we’re still sliding, through the mud and the water and with our feet sticking out in front of us like we’re Bruce Lee aiming a kick at some other chink’s head. We would of slid for ever if there hadn’t been something there to stop us.

Don got his knee. I got his ankle. Not quite simultaneous but near enough. The sound it made was like ice cubes. You know, like when you drop ice cubes in a warm glass of Coke.

I got up. Don got up. Bumfluff stayed down. He was squealing again. Actually, he was screaming. He was on his back and he was writhing. He had one hand on his leg and his other arm across his eyes. The crowd, they were cheering so I suppose the ball must of gone in. But it felt like they were cheering for us.

Grunt was closest. I don’t know whether he saw it but he thought he did. He collars us. He’s like, you boys, what the hell do you think you’re doing? And we’re like, what, what, let go you twat, let go. Bickle blows his whistle. He’s still blowing it when he reaches us.

What’s going on here? Mr Grant. Mr Grant!

And Grunt’s shaking us and sort of growling and he’s looking at Bumfluff on the floor but it’s like he doesn’t want to let us go.

I dunno, sir, goes Don. I dunno. And he’s holding out his arms, you know, like players do on the telly when they’re about to get carded by the ref.

They did it on purpose, goes Grunt. You little thugs. You did it on purpose.

And it’s like Bickle notices Bumfluff for the first time, even though he’s screaming still and crying probably and making more racket than the crowd.

Did you? he goes. Did you do it on purpose?

And I shake my head and Don’s like, course not, sir, we were going for the ball. It was fifty-fifty.

And Bickle looks at Bumfluff and he looks at Grunt and he looks at Bumfluff again. Let them go, he says. Let them go, Mr Grant.

But Mr Travis—

I said let them go. And he sort of turns away but then stops and spins back. And see to Szajkowski, will you? He’s making a fool of himself. He’s making a mockery of this game.

And we jog away and we pass Terence and he’s just fucking smiling. He knows what we’ve done and he’s glad. As far as he’s concerned, Bumfluff’s lost him the match. Which is bullshit of course, they’d of lost with Gordon Banks in goal, but that’s what Terence thinks. So he’s smiling and he even gives Don this little wink.

It was that easy. I mean, I couldn’t believe it. Don says later, he’s like, no sweat, Gi, what could they of done? And he was right I spose but I was still expecting a fuss, like a warning or a detention or even a fucking suspension, I mean we snapped his fucking leg. But we didn’t get so much as a yellow. Bumfluff got stretchered off, the caretaker went in goal, Don scored two more goals and in the end we won nine-nil.

So that’s it. The end. Can I go now?