Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

9

There are a few things you should know about my wife, Marjorie: She is incredibly talented and supportive. She is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She loves the Lord. She is a terri.c mother to our children. She's classy and smart. And she cares for, respects, and adores me deeply.

You should also know that my wife has a set of standards that I have known about and respected from the.rst day I met her.

It started while I was doing a show in Memphis. She walked in with another attractive woman. I couldn't help myself; I stopped mid-joke and said, Excuse me, I know you don't know me, but one of these days, I'm going to marry you. She laughed and said, You don't know me. But I didn't care and I told her as much. I knew right then and there we were going to be married some day (of course, this was really more of a hope than a certainty smile).

Maybe she knew it, too, or at least liked what she saw because even though she disappeared the night I informed her of my plan, she showed up two nights later at another show of mine, and this time, I asked her to come backstage and talk for a while. She agreed, and we became fast friends, and even dated for a spell. But eventually, we both went our separate ways. Still, Marjorie and I always remembered the friendship we had together, and we reached out to check up on each other from time to time.

Finally, Marjorie and I reconnected and started dating again; we got serious pretty quickly, both of us realizing that we had missed out on a great relationship once, and we didn't want to risk losing out on it again. But, even though I knew I was in love with this woman and that she loved me, I was still connected to some women friends I had developed after my divorce, when I had really started dating again.

Well, one particular night when Marjorie was visiting me at my home in New York on Valentine's Day weekend, one of those friends called my cell. I didn't talk much said, Hi, told her we'd chat another time and that I'd stop and see her if and when I was back in town, and then hung up. I didn't even think Marjorie heard the conversation at least she wasn't acting like she did. I should have known better, though. She's got that mother hearing doesn't miss a thing. And sure enough, late that night, when I got up to go to the bathroom it was about 3:00 A. M. there was Marjorie in the hallway, standing there in her fur coat with her suitcase in her hand. She was going to leave me leave us.

Where you going? I asked her. Her response made me realize right then and there, in the middle of that hallway, in the middle of the night, that she was The One.

I'm not trying to be anybody's plaything or anybody's woman on a string, she said matter-of-factly, her suitcase still in her hand. I don't think you're ready for what I have to offer. I got these kids, I have a good life, and I want a man who will come in and complete my family. If this is what you want, too, I'll be in Memphis.

After I picked up my jaw, I asked her to give me one more chance, took her bags, and immediately found my phone and snapped it in half. I'd lost her once this beautiful, smart, sweet woman and no other woman could be as loving and dedicated to me, to us, or to my children. I realized right then and there, in that hallway, that I wanted no other.

In other words, I became the man she needed me to be because she had sense enough to have requirements standards that she needed in her relationship in order to make the relationship work for her. She knew she wanted a monogamous relationship a partnership with a man who wanted to be a dedicated husband and father. She also knew this man had to be faithful, love God, and be willing to do what it took to keep this family together. On a smaller scale, she also made clear that she expected to be treated like a lady at every turn I'm talking opening car doors for her, pulling out her seat when she's ready to sit at the table, coming correct on anniversary, Mother's Day, and birthday gifts, keeping the foul talk to a minimum. These requirements are important to her because they govern how she will be treated; they are important to me, too, because they lay out a virtual map of what all I need to do to make sure she gets what she needs and wants. After all, it's universal knowledge that when mama is happy, everybody is happy. And it is my sole mission in life to make sure Marjorie is happy.

Men can't accomplish this mission for you without your help; we can't possibly begin to fathom what it is you women need and want because your needs and wants change from woman to woman like the wind does from city to city. Men are very simple, logical people; if you tell us what you like and what you don't like, we'll do anything we can to make sure we live up to your expectations, particularly if we're interested in forging a relationship with you. (But beware of telling a man everything you like when you.rst meet; I'll tell you why later in the chapter.)

But really, we're not programmed to.gure it out. It really makes us quite happy when you lay out your requirements for us. And we need you to do it up front, so we can decide if we're up for the challenge not two weeks into the relationship, not two months after we've had sex, not two years after we've said I do in front of the preacher and our respective families and friends. Heck, we'll take them while you're standing there at the bar, sipping on the peach martini we just bought you, so long as you're laying them out. Because now you've given us a road map for how to conduct ourselves, especially if we're truly interested in a relationship with you.

Understand that this chapter is not a license for you to start running down your list of I can'ts and I won'ts and you better not nevahs as soon as a gentleman approaches you. We do like some kind of decorum. You've got to.nesse the situation tell a man what you require without making it feel like you're ticking off a list of demands. It really is all in the delivery; if you tell him your requirements in the midst of conversation, and they sound attainable, and you shape your standards in soft language, it'll be easier for him to understand, and, more important, act on them. Think about how crazy he's going to look at you if,.nger wagging, you just come out your face and say, I will not tolerate a man who does not understand my role as a mother if you got a problem with my kids and the rest of my family, you got a problem with me! It'll be the equivalent of the needle scratching all the way across the record; he's going to think, at best, that you're angry at worst, you're crazy, and perhaps your family is, too. But imagine how he'll feel if you.ip the script and say something pleasant like, Oh, you know, I have kids and they're number one in my life because my parents raised me to understand the importance of family. Now, he knows you're one of those good girls sweet, responsible, and family oriented. If he's not that guy, he'll move on to the next woman the one with no requirements who's down for whatever. But if he's a man who shares your belief in the importance of family, he's going to keep talking to you, and listen for more of your standards.

Here are a few more examples I've laid out for you so you can see how to wrap up your requirements in one of those pretty bows.

Instead of saying you can't stand it when a man shows up late, say something like, Everybody is so busy these days time sure is precious, isn't it? I go out of my way to make sure that if I say I'm going to be somewhere at 7:00 P. M., I'm going to be there at 7:00 P. M., if not earlier, so that we can do what we need to do in a timely manner, and if I'm going to be late, it only takes a phone call to be courteous.

Translation: You've just told him that you require the man in your life to show up when he says he's going to show up, and have enough manners and class to call if he's going to be late. Now he knows to leave a few minutes earlier so he gets to you on time, and to make sure his cell is charged in case he needs to give you a head's-up.

Instead of saying, If you're dating and sleeping with other women, I am not the one! say something like, I'm always honest with the man I'm dating; if I feel like I want to see other people besides him, I let him know up front so that he can decide if he wants to continue the relationship as is, or ask me to date him exclusively.

Translation: You've just told him that you require the man in your life to be honest and up front about the parameters of the relationship if he's going to play, he's going to have to let you know so that you can make intelligent, rational decisions about how to deal with that. You've told him, too, that this is up for discussion that the two of you can decide together what it is you want out of the relationship, instead of having it dictated to him.

Instead of saying, If my man doesn't have God in his life and doesn't know how to jog for Jesus, there's no need in him even opening his mouth to me, perhaps you can say something like, Sunday is my favorite day of the week, because I get to go to church and fellowship with like-minded people and exercise my faith. By the time service is over, I feel so uplifted, I know the rest of my week is going to go great.

Translation: You've made clear that you're a God-fearing, churchgoing woman who knows the Lord and takes her faith seriously, and you've opened up the conversation for him to give his take on how he feels about religion and spirituality.

Instead of saying, I got three kids and two jobs because these children's daddy ain't worth a damn, so any man stepping to me better have bank and be ready to raise some kids the right way or hit the highway, you might want to say something like, Being a good mom is really important to me, and a part of being a good mom is making sure that my kids have a good father. I'm independent, but I realize how much better it would be for me and my family if a good man was in the picture.

Translation: You will have made clear that while you're quite capable of taking care of your own children, you recognize the importance of having a good man in the mix something that will make a man who's willing to put in the work understand that he will be appreciated for being a good husband and father. And that's really all a man wants a little appreciation every now and again.

Get the picture? Now, you've given us what we think is valuable information about the woman we're interested in. But more important, you've told us what your standards are, though you've done so by disguising them in a whole lot of pretty talk. It's like grape-.avored cough syrup; it's still medicine, but it's just going to taste better going down.

Now, I should add that while men appreciate it when women let them know up front what they require in a relationship, I.rmly believe women need to step back every once in a while and let the man show you what he's made of you know, prove that he's worthy of your time. I really do believe one of the biggest mistakes women make early on in the relationship is laying out in full detail all the things you love a man to do for you, without giving him a chance to show you what he's willing to do for you. I mean, it's nice and all that you like long walks by the beach, and chocolate on Valentine's Day, and you favor lilies in the summertime. But how, exactly, do you.nd out how creative, exciting, or giving a man is if you give him the blueprint for how to coax a smile on to your face, without requiring him to.gure some of this out on his own? Be sure of this: if you tell a man you like red roses at work, dinner at that special restaurant across town, and Chanel bags for your birthday, that is exactly what he will give you nothing less, but certainly nothing more. And you'll be happy about it at.rst. But then give it about forty-.ve days or so, and he's going to stop doing what you told him you like because he'll have.gured he did what he needed to do to get what he wanted. And you will think that because he stopped, he changed. And you'll go tell your girlfriends, I don't know what happened he used to do everything I like.

He did everything you like because you told him what you like.

My philosophy? Instead of telling him what you like, tell him what you don't like, and then see how he responds; let him research and dig and.gure out how to get to your sweet spot. Just go right ahead and put it out there: I'm not a fan of just sitting around in the house on the weekends, or I don't like it when a man doesn't treat me like a lady, or I don't like going to the same restaurants over and over again. Then, as your relationship progresses, watch his actions. For sure, you'll get his blueprint for how he conducts himself you'll see what he's willing to give freely of his own accord. You don't like going to the same restaurants? He'll know to.nd new, interesting places to take you. You don't like sitting in the house on Saturdays? He'll be sure to take you out to a concert or a new museum exhibit, or he'll at least look through the newspaper and see what's going on around town so he has some suggestions for what you all can do together. He knows you don't like people who aren't family oriented? He's going to bring treats for the kids when he meets them, or even offer to take you and them to the park for a quick game of catch or a push on the swings, and no matter how uncomfortable he may think he might feel, he's going to go to the barbecue at your mom's house because he knows you require a man who likes and gets along with family. Sit back and watch him: see if he opens the car door for you, or pulls out your chair when you sit at the table, or turns off his phone when he's with you, so that he can dedicate all of his attention to your time together. And then if he doesn't step up to the plate if he doesn't show you that he's willing to.gure out how to put a smile on your face then you'll be in the position to decide if he's capable of giving you what you need and at least some of what you want.

Of course, to lay out your requirements for a man, and convey the importance of following those requirements, you must.rst.gure out what, exactly, your requirements are. I've listed questions here that you should consider as you formulate your top ten requirements, and I've left space for you to document your list:

What speci.c kind of man are you looking for?

(For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?)

How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?)

What level of commitment do you expect? (Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively? Should it be up for discussion?)

What kind of.nancial security do you expect this man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?)

Do you want a man who wants kids and is family oriented?

Does he have to be religious/spiritual?

Do you mind if he's a divorcT or has kids?

Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt to his plan?

What do you expect of his family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn't get along with her? Or if his father was never around?)

What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)

10

I had just gotten to Hollywood and I was seeing a lot of things my then thirty-eight-year-old eyes had never seen before. One of those that stood out most was the lifestyle of a famous and well-regarded celebrity, whose name I'm just going to go ahead and keep to myself. But this much I will tell you: this man had it all money, fame, and a bevy of superbeauties so bad he could have easily made Hugh Hefner scratch his head and wonder how he could get in on that action. I mean this man was surrounded by gorgeous women. A lot. All. The. Time. And I was amazed at this because I couldn't understand how one person could get all of these.ne women like this. I mean, he wasn't the best-looking dude in the business there were others with more money, more prestige, and certainly better looks than him. Still, he was a master at keeping a stack of solid tens at all times, with commitments to none of them. I'd heard about these superplayers with supermodels on their arms and everything, but when I saw it up close, I was amazed at how the actual connections could happen, and especially why these women stayed with this guy, knowing that they were one of many hanging on his arm.

And I needed to know how this was done (um, not necessarily so that I, too, could have supermodels hanging on my every word, but because I was genuinely blown away by the phenomenon). So I sat down and talked to this guy and a bunch of other men who were in similar relationships and asked them point-blank: How do you keep these women coming back for more? And each one, including the most notorious of the bunch, laughed, shook his head, and said pretty much the same thing: those women want the money, the fame, and the lifestyle, and they're willing to put up with a lot of things not many of them good to get it. But do they realize, I asked in all earnestness, that this is going nowhere? The one guy shook his head some more and said, simply, They don't know where it's going because they never ask. He added: What am I supposed to do tell them I'm just using them for sex and arm candy? It just is what it is.

Blew me away.

And the more I asked the same questions of guys in similar situations, I heard the same answer, again and again. And each time I asked them what could have made it different for the women they were with, almost down to the letter, each one of those men said the same thing: if a woman came to me and quizzed me up front about my intentions, they would have known from the beginning that I'm not looking for anything serious. They don't ask, each one said, because they think they're going to run me off, so I get to just string them along. And the one celebrity who seemed to be the master of all of this said, quite simply, I have enough of them so that when I get the questions, I don't have to answer because for every one woman who asks, I have two more who won't.

Call this what you want: foul; wrong; inexcusable whatever. But that's how it is. And this kind of thinking from guys isn't just happening in celebrity circles, trust me. It happens with everyday guys doctors and lawyers, truckers and deliverymen, too. Some of them have as many women as some of my celebrity friends, and the women they run game on are just as.ne as some of the supermodels clinging to the arms of stars. But if you're a woman on a string of three or thirty-three, you're still on a string. And both you and I know that's not a good place to be.

Your objective is to avoid being on the string.

The.rst step, I think, is to get over the fear of losing a man by confronting him. Just stop being afraid, already. The most successful people in this world recognize that taking chances to get what they want is much more productive than sitting around being too scared to take a shot. The same philosophy can easily be applied to dating: if putting your requirements on the table means you risk him walking away, it's a risk you have to take. Because that fear can trip you up every time; all too many of you let the guy get away with disrespecting you, putting in minimal effort and holding out on the commitment to you because you're afraid he's going to walk away and you'll be alone again. And we men? We recognize this and play on it, big time. Know this: the game is old, and it's not ever going to change. My sons will do it the same way because they can and there will be women who allow it to happen. But you can certainly know the rules up front, and change up your strategy, so you don't get played.

How do you do this? Start by making the man be really clear up front about what he wants out of his life and his relationship with you. You do this by asking him these key.ve questions questions that will help you determine right away what values this guy has and how you.t into his plans. I devised these questions after years of watching men play women, and women falling for it, and constantly asking myself and even some of my friends who are masters at the game, If I were a woman, how could I avoid all of this? They're great questions, too the answers will tell you everything you need to know about this guy in your life or the guy you hope to have in your life. Asking these questions will help you determine whether you should stick around to see where your relationship goes, or if you should run really fast in the opposite direction. Note: There's no need to delay asking these questions ask them right away, as soon as you think you might be remotely attracted to a man you've met. If he's turned off by the questions, so what: you have the right to the information. And if he isn't willing to answer them, well you know from the gate he's not the one for you.

So let's just get started with the questions. Remember: No. Fear.

If you're going to get into a relationship with a man, you should know what his plans are and how they.t into the key elements that make a man who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. These three things, as I've already told you, are extremely important to any mature, grown man, and you have every right to know what he's doing right now, and what he's planning over the next three to.ve years, to be the real, grown man he wants to be. His answer also will help you determine whether you want to be a part of that plan or not. You'll know to throw up your much-needed red.ag if he doesn't have a plan at all.

If he's got a plan, well great. Act like you're superinterested and ask follow-up questions be the inquisitive, enthusiastic detective that you are. Men love to talk about themselves. We do this because we know that in order to catch you, we have to impress you. So allow us to impress. The more inquisitive and interested you are, the more information he'll give you. Say things like, Wow, how did you get into that.eld? or How interesting what does it take to make that successful? And listen carefully. The whole time he's talking, you should be evaluating whether he's actually working hard to meet his goals or if he's a lazy dreamer just talking a whole lot of nonsense. You should also be.guring out if you see yourself in that short-term plan; if you know what his plan is, you can immediately assess if you want to be part of it and what role you can play in it, or if you need to remove yourself from that equation. For instance, if he says, I'm a technician for the cable company, but I'm going to college at night to earn my B. A. in engineering so that I can move up the ranks at my job, then you know this guy has a plan and he's executing it. Maybe you can even see yourself helping him study or being there for him at graduation and giving him suggestions for how to transform himself from the blue-collar worker who installs the cable to the engineer who helps build the technology for the cable company. The point is, he has a plan and he's working toward it, which means that he's trying to be the man he wants to be the kind that just might.t in line with what you're looking for in a good, solid mate.

But if you ask him what his short-term goals are, and he tells you something crazy, like I'm in street pharmaceuticals, and right now I have one block but my goal in the next few years is to have ten blocks on the west side from Henry Street to Brown Street, well, then you know right then and there that you can go on ahead and keep it moving. The same applies to the man who states his short-term goals, but clearly has no plan to implement them. For instance, if he says his dream is to be a producer, but he's not doing anything in the.eld to actually become one he's not interning or working for a.lm company, he's not writing or reading any scripts, he's not making any connections in the industry that might open some doors for him, he hasn't worked for four months and has no prospects of a job in the.eld he says he's interested in then you know this man doesn't have a plan. And if he doesn't have a plan, he's not going to achieve his short-term goal or it's really not a goal, he's just talking out of his behind. Either way, you may not want to sign up for his plan. Just stick to your own. Sure, there's a chance that he might get it together and make it in the industry, but why do you have to sign up for that? If he's got this whole pie-in-the-sky dream,.gure out if he's lying there looking at the stars, or if he's got a jet pack strapped to his back and he's about to take off to go grab that dream.

Trust me on this: a man who really has a vision for where he wants to see himself in ten years has looked into his future and seriously considered what it'll take for him to get there. It means he has foresight, and he's plotting out the steps to his future. If he says something silly like I'm just trying to make it day by day, run. If his long-term plan is the same as his short-term plan, get out. Immediately. Because his answer tells you that he hasn't thought his life through, or he doesn't see you in it and so he has no reason to divulge the details to you. All he's got for you is game. If he doesn't have a plan, why do you want him to stick around, anyway?

The man you should consider spending a little time on is the one who has a plan a well-thought-out plan that you can see yourself in. Because please believe me when I tell you and like I told you in an earlier chapter a man always has a plan. I know I did when I.rst started working as a comedian. I knew before I even told my.rst joke in front of an audience that within the next.ve years, my goal was to become a headliner and make at least $2,500 a week. With my eye on that prize, I was soon making $2,500 a week, and happy about it, too. Still, I wanted to become a headliner, and I upped the ante: now I wanted to make $5,000 to $7,500 per week. It took me about eight years, but I managed to meet my.nancial goal and I was happy about that, too.

And then I met Sinbad.

Now at the time, Sinbad was working at a comedy club in Birmingham, where he'd become so large, he was making $50,000 to $70,000 a week at this one particular club. Every. Seven. Days. And I knew I wanted a piece of that action. His success made me realize that there was something to this comedy thing that I needed to set in place a long-term plan that would afford me the kind of life I could see was possible for a comedian. I wanted to get on television to provide a lifestyle for my family that would make them proud. I envisioned my life this way, and then created a plan for how I was going to get it. Now, I knew it wasn't going to be easy that it would take time, because there were very few comedy clubs where you could make that kind of money, and you had to have the right connections and a great team to help get you there. But the point is, I had a long-term plan, with steps on how I was going to get there. Eventually, I reached those goals and then some.

Once you hear your potential mate's answer to questions number one and number two, you'll have a.rm understanding of the kind of man you're dealing with. Do not tie your life together with a human being who does not have a plan, because you'll.nd out that if he's not going anywhere, sooner or later, you'll be stuck, too.

Now this one is a multiple-part question that sizes up how a man feels about a gamut of relationships from how he feels about his parents and kids to his connection with God. Each answer will reveal a lot more about him whether he's serious about commitment, the kind of household in which he was raised, what kind of father and husband he might be, whether he knows the Lord, all of that. And the only way you'll.nd out the answers to these questions is to ask. Do it before you kiss this man, maybe even before you agree to go on a date with him this is a great phone conversation, for sure. And don't be shy or nervous about asking these questions, either, because what are you supposed to be doing with this man if not talking to him? If he has a problem talking about this right here, then something's wrong. Run.

First,.nd out how he feels about family. What are his views on it? Does he want a family? How does he feel about children? If you have a child, tell your man about him or her it's his business to know, but more important, it's your business to.nd out if he sees himself being a father. If he doesn't want kids and you do, then you can stop all of this right now. (Please know that if a man says he doesn't want kids, he's probably not going to change his mind, regardless of the intensity of his feelings for you.) Moreover, if he doesn't like kids and you already have them, where, exactly, is this relationship going?

Next, ask him about his relationship with his mother. It's the.rst relationship a man has with a woman, and if he has a good track record with her, then chances are he knows how to treat a woman with respect and has some kind of idea of how to profess, provide, and protect not only a woman but a potential family, too. I don't know a boy living whose mother isn't beloved. We learn to protect her and provide for her; we learn about the basic core of love for a woman from her. Indeed, if a man is at odds with his mother, it's a safe bet that he's going to be at odds with you. If you hear any part of Man, me and my mother? We just don't get along… in his answer, erase his number and texts from your phone and keep it moving.

After you.nd out how he feels about his mother, ask him about his father. If he had a great relationship with his dad, then he was probably raised with a core set of values that he'll bring to your potential home together. Now, I understand that a whole host of men grew up without fathers in their households, but chances are that the man you're interested in had a male role model in his life who showed him the ropes of manhood, or perhaps the absence of his own father taught him a few things about what he doesn't want to do when he becomes a father. At any rate, ask questions about his relationship with his father, and his answers are bound to reveal the kind of father he just might turn out to be.

You're also going to have to ask him about his relationship with God. Let me be direct: if you meet a man who doesn't have a relationship with God, he doesn't go to church and has no intention of ever going, and he has no belief system he can point to as a guiding force in his life, then it's a problem. After all, what moral barometer does he answer to if not to God? What's going to make him even consider being loyal to you? What's going to make him do right by you and the kids? What's going to make him feel whole? I'm not saying that you shouldn't date a man who doesn't go to church, or who has a different belief system than you. But if his core beliefs don't match up with yours, you're likely to have a problem.

These next two questions should be asked after you've been talking and dating for a while. Ideally, ask them before you have parted with the cookie (y'all know what I mean). If you have already had a sexual encounter with the man, you can ask these questions anyway. The answers may hurt a little bit more, but at least you'll know.

Now, this one you'll have to ask after a few dates, because he's going to need time to get to know you. But his answer will be critical because it will reveal to you what his plans for you are. If you've been out on a couple of dates and you've had lots of conversation, you know something about him, but what's more important, you want to know what he is thinking about you. You have a right to know. Oh, trust me, he thought something about you when he.rst walked up to you, and you need to know what it is. He was attracted to something he liked your hair, your eyes, your legs, your out.t. He didn't walk over there just to be walking. Beyond the initial attraction, however, men pretty much know if you're the kind of woman they're going to sleep with and keep it moving, or if they're going to stick around and see if they want more. This, you will be able to tell by his answers.

Listen to his answer closely. I assure you this is how it will go, because every man will answer this question the same exact way: I think you're great, I think you'd make a great mom, you're fun, kind, you're really beautiful, you turn me on, you're energetic, outgoing, a hard worker, very smart. I think you're the kind of woman I could see myself with, all of that generic stuff we know you want to hear. Still, this isn't the answer you should be looking for. You want speci.cs. You want to know that he's really thought about you beyond the surface. So do the follow-ups. Oh, you think I'm kind? What about me makes you think I'm kind? Then sit back and listen. If he can't give you a concrete example of how you've shown your kindness, he's not really thinking about you beyond the surface. But if he says, You remember that time when it was my mom's birthday and you called me and reminded me to pick up a card for her? That was really nice. If he tells you he thinks you're a great mom, make him tell you what it is about you that makes you a great mom. And so forth with whatever characteristic he attributes to you. The level of his speci.cs will give you yet another clue into this man's intentions for your relationship. If he can give you speci.cs, it means he's been listening and adding it up he's determining if he's going to keep you, if he can see himself in a committed relationship with you. And that could mean that you're at least on the same relationship page.

Now this is not to be confused with what do you think about me think and feel are two wholly different things. And if a man cannot tell you how he feels about you after a month of dating, it's because he doesn't feel anything for you he just wants something. Ask a man how he feels about you, and he's going to get confused and nervous: I told you before I think you're… he begins. You cut him right off and say, No, no, I want to know how you feel about me. He might shift in his chair, scratch his head, light a cigar anything to get out of giving you an answer or thinking of what he thinks you want him to say. But you'll have to get him to answer it.

Don't get upset if he doesn't answer right away: he's got to go into that part of himself that he doesn't like to go to, and that's the emotional part. Men do not do emotion well, at all, and expressing it doesn't come easy. He can answer questions about God and the kids and his mother, but with this question, you're asking him to look into his soul, and our DNA isn't made up for the heartfelt outpouring to just anybody. But this doesn't mean you should let up. What you're looking for in his answer is something like this: When I don't see you, I miss talking to you, I always wonder what you're doing and whenever you come around, I just feel better you're the type of woman I've been trying to.nd. In other words, his answer has to make you feel wonderful. He may not be in love with you just yet, but he's crazy about you and he's probably thinking he wants to explore a long-term commitment with you, because when he starts to profess and put you in a position where he can provide for and protect you, he's seeing a future with you in it. And this is exactly where you want to be with this guy.

The I think you're cool answer isn't going to cut it here, ladies. And if, after you've asked the question and probed deeper, you realize his feelings for you don't run very deep that he's just not there then you need to not be there, too. Pump the brakes until you start hearing and feeling from him the things that you think are important to hear and feel from a man with whom you're willing to forge a relationship.

We men are fully aware that we have to answer these questions, and any real man is going to answer them. You may not necessarily like the answers, but he's going to answer them. If he refuses, then don't bother with him. Don't think that you're going to work it out later that you'll wait him out until he gets more comfortable with you because that would be nothing more than blind hope. Before you know it, you'll be.nding out the hard way that this isn't the guy for you, and you'll be starting all the conversations with your girlfriends like this: You know, I slept with him and he's not about anything, I don't even know if he likes kids… Don't let this happen. Empower yourself it's your right to know all of these answers up front; per my ninety-day rule, which you'll discover in the next chapter, you need to ask these questions within the.rst few months of a courtship. If you're already in a relationship with someone, these questions are still valid if you don't know the answers. You can ask them for clari.cation. Or you may need to ask them with the hope that they'll solidify what you may already know either that you need to get out of your relationship or that you are headed in the right direction. His answers may help you cut your losses, before you invest too many more years in a relationship that isn't going the way you want it to go. Or they may make you say, Wow, I'm glad I'm with this man. Know, too, that though we'll answer the questions because we like talking about ourselves, our answers just may make us consider the woman who's asking the questions in a different light. We de.nitely want to know where our women stand on these issues, too, but we're not going to bring it up especially if our intentions for you aren't pure. But in your conversations around these issues, your man just might learn something about you, too, something that makes him know he's got a pretty solid woman on his side. Say, for instance, he tells you that he wants to be an engineer and he's going to night school to get his degree, and you tell him that you have a few friends who are engineers and you can offer to introduce him to them so that they can give some helpful advice as he works toward his new career. When you offer that helping hand, he starts to think, Wow, this woman is interested in my goals and ambitions. She's offering to help me out. Maybe she might be the one to get me to the next level. And he might just envision including you in those next level plans.

See, you're getting information from him and plugging yourself into all these slots do I see myself in his short-term plans, his long-term plans, as a part of his family, having babies with him, helping him continue a solid relationship with his mom, being a role-model dad for our kids, the whole picture? But it's a two-way street: know that this guy you're quizzing is listening to these intelligent, inquisitive questions, and calculating whether you're a woman who is his keeper or just a sports.sh.

11

Nineteen seventy-seven it was a good year. I was living in Cleveland, I had a two-bedroom apartment, brand spanking new. I hadn't quite gotten the car I wanted, but I was working on it. And I had a job at the Ford motor plant. They had a high hourly wage there, and overtime more money than a man of my stature could dream of making. But more important, Ford had bene.ts. Thing is, you had to be on the job for a while to get them. Oh, you could get a paycheck, but you could not get the bene.ts; and as far as any of the full-time regulars on the line were concerned, you were not in until you had the bene.ts. Ford's policy was that you had to work at least ninety days before they'd cover your health insurance; this was the plant management saying to me, we will provide you bene.ts after you have proven to me you are worthy work hard, show up on time, follow your supervisor's orders, and get along with your co-workers for ninety days, and then you can get dental and medical coverage. You can get your eyes checked, no problem. Your hernia could bust and we will take care of you. We will take care of your kids' teeth and eyes, and if you've got a woman, she can get glasses and crowns on her teeth if she needs them, and any more babies you have with your lady after this, we're going to take care of them, too. Your whole family will be covered. We are going to provide you with a bene.t package.

And you know something? All of this made perfect sense to me. I was being challenged to show everybody at the plant that I was serious, and ready and able to work hard for both the salary and the right to have them pay my medical and dental expenses and as a man, I needed and wanted to prove that I was up for the challenge and worthy of the reward. I agreed 100 percent with what the Ford Motor Company was saying to me, and so I signed on the dotted line. I wanted to be a part of the Ford family.

The.rst day I got paid, the supervisor came through and said, Here's your check, appreciate you coming. The check was cool, but I wasn't making an appointment at the doctor's of.ce anytime soon. If I got a toothache hell, if both of my front teeth were loose and about to fall clean out of my mouth there wouldn't be any dentist appointments for ninety days, because Ford had already said I had to prove myself to the people who signed the checks in order to get the extras the perks.

It was a really simple equation: work hard, prove yourself, get the bene.ts.

And guess what? It's the same way with jobs in the government, places like the post of.ce, the DMV and even in some corporations. You have got to prove yourself to get the good stuff, the extras, the bene.ts.

So if Ford and the government won't give a man bene.ts until he's been on the job and proven himself, why, ladies, are you passing out bene.ts to men before they've proven themselves worthy? Come on now, you know what the bene.ts are. I'm not talking about being nice to him, or cooking for him, or going out to dinner with him, or helping him pick out an out.t, or bringing him around your mother. Those are things that happen during the course of a budding relationship you do special things for each other because you care. By bene.ts, in case you haven't.gured it out, I'm talking about sex. And if you're giving your bene.ts to a guy who's only been on the job for a week or two, you're making a grave mistake.

You don't know this man not much about him, anyway.

He doesn't know you.

He hasn't proven himself.

And he could walk off the job at any time.

And you'll have no one but yourself to blame.

Think about it: the.rst guy you slept with quicker than ninety days where is he? I'm willing to bet that you're probably not with him. True, there are some people out there somewhere who had sex early in the relationship and are still together to this very day, but that's rare. More likely than not, a guy who gets bene.ts early in a relationship, without having to put in work or prove himself, leaves and moves on to a committed relationship with a woman who puts him through some type of probationary period to.nd out more about him. I'm sure that woman laid out the rules the requirements early on, and let her intended know that he could either rise up to those requirements, or just move on.

A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have your bene.ts are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he deserves them. The man who is willing to put in the time and meet the requirements is the one you want to stick around, because that guy is making a conscious decision that he, too, has no interest in playing games and will do what it takes to not only stay on the job, but also get promoted and be the proud bene.ciary of your bene.ts. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait.

Of course, you've got to use your ninety days wisely; a probationary period means nothing if you're not putting this guy through the paces. During that ninety-day period, you should be checking him out does he come when he says he's going to come; does he call when he's going to be late; does he like and care about your friends and, if you have them, your children; does he express his joy at being in your presence? Most important, is this really a man with whom you can see yourself in a committed relationship? Or do you see signs that make your God-given intuition kick in? You know how it goes: you haven't been invited over to his house, you only have the cell phone number, he won't answer his phone when you're in the room or he takes hushed calls in the corner where you can't hear what's being said he tells you he's dating other women, or, somehow, you just know he is. These are tendencies you can't possibly see in a man you've dated for less than ninety days because guess what? The guy who is dating you just to get the bene.ts up front is going to be on his best behavior in the beginning, speci.cally so he can make you think he's worthy. But just as sure as time is going to come and go, he'll eventually show his true nature.

Give it at least ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for you. After all, it's your right to want what you want and to actually get it. Put yourself.rst: ask the.ve questions (as mentioned in the previous chapter), withhold the bene.ts, and demand the respect. If you have a high level of respect for yourself, you're automatically going to command that respect from a man. Make him qualify for the bene.ts, and I guarantee you'll have a better man on your hands and in your bed. And once you're satis.ed he's worthy of the bene.ts, you can pass it out like sandwiches at a picnic.

Hold on, I know what you're thinking: you're thinking that if he doesn't get sex from you, he'll go and get it somewhere else, and you will have lost out on that one chance to get him to be your man or he'll think you're playing games if you make him wait, and he'll move on to the next woman who's willing to take him into her bed.

Wrong.

In fact, one of those mind tricks we've been playing on women since the beginning of time is to convince you all that waiting doesn't matter, that giving it up early and quick is the way to go. Listen to me: if we could convince you that you should strip naked and get to it within the.rst.ve minutes of our.rst meeting, we would. This is not a secret: men love and want sex, and will try (within reason) to get it by any means necessary.

But guess what? He. Can. Wait. Yes, of course you run the risk of scaring him off, but isn't the guy who sleeps with you without any obligation to you, or consideration of your wants, needs, and emotional well-being, the one you want to go away? Isn't reserving something that special for a man who earns it more of a bene.t to you? You have the power to make him wait to prove to you that he deserves your love and affection. The Power. Just think of it this way: when it comes to having sex with a woman, we men don't decide a thing. We don't determine when we're going to sleep with you that decision is yours. The decision of when we get to kiss you is yours. When we let go of each other's hug and embrace? That decision is yours. We put our hands somewhere on your body other than your shoulder and you decide if we can keep touching that place or if we gotta let it go. Our job is to convince you to give it to us to allow us to touch it, let us have it. But the decision on whether we actually get to have it is Y. O. U. R. S.

Don't give up that power. Keep it. You only give up that power when the man has earned it, and he is going to respect it and do something with it.

That's the truth.

Women have crumbled empires with that power. Cleopatra helped destroy Rome. Read your Bible: we're still in a jam right now because of Eve. Women have always had that kind of power, and you do, too including making the man you're dating wait for the bene.ts. Oh, I'm not saying you can't pay the man; payment comes along the way during that ninety-day probationary period. You can hug, kiss, talk on the phone, go for a walk in the park, have an ice cream cone together, go out for dinner. Your time is a form of payment. When we're out to dinner with you, you can't imagine how we feel when we're looking forward to meeting you and you show up with your lip gloss shining, your eyes seductively made up, and your hair whether it's blown out, in a weave, or natural is lovely, and your body gleaming. I cannot tell you the ful.llment we have in knowing that we've secured your time. And to be seen in public with you is a bonus; it's all the af.rmation we need. The payment is incredible.

Hugging? Payment.

Kissing? Payment.

You getting dressed up? Payment.

Going out with us? Payment.

Exchanging explicit e-mails? Payment.

But if he wants to sleep with you make babies and have a family? Those are bene.ts.

So he's got ninety days on the job to prove himself worthy ninety days in which you can.gure this man out. You're an investigator can't nobody.nd stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street. You know how to.nd stuff out about a man he may not have even known about himself. So get to it. Create some scenarios so you can.gure out just who this guy is, and whether he's good enough for your bene.ts. Here are a few things you might want to.nd out.

Maybe your car broke down, or the water heater is about to give its last breath, or your kids are acting up and you can't get a handle on them. You're exhausted and the stress is showing on your face he can hear it in your voice. If he asks you, What's the matter? that's a good start. He's been around you long enough to know when you're not your normal self. That's progress. But now, if you answer him with, My car broke down and I don't have the money to.x it right now so I'm just a little worried about how I'm going to get to work tomorrow, and he says, Okay, well, call me when you.gure it out, you can scratch him off the bene.ts list. Be clear: you're not asking him for money to get the car.xed. You're just trying to see if he's going to probe deeper, and.nd out if there's anything he can do to help, whether it's to give you some advice on how to.x the problem, or step in to help you.x it. Did he offer to get up an hour earlier so he could drive you to work while your car is in the shop? Or give you the number to a guy who can.x your car for a deep discount? Did he offer to get up under the hood and take a look himself? Or tell you about his friend who owns a car shop and might be willing to do a favor for him and you?

Real men extend themselves to women they care about. If you have a problem and your man does not extend himself he doesn't try to make it better this is not a good candidate for bene.ts.

Now that other man, the one who'll scoot on the ground on his back with the toolbox, and come back out hours later with car grease all over his shirt and hands and face from trying to.x your raggedy car? That's the one who might deserve a cold beer and later on, some bene.ts.

Let's say an ex of yours is starting to call again, and it's making you uncomfortable because the breakup was particularly nasty and you just don't want to go down that road with him again. You tell the new guy you're bothered by this and are not sure how to make the ex just go away. A bene.ts-worthy man will immediately launch into.x-it mode he will see what he can do to (a) stop the guy from calling, and (b) get you to feel safe again. He might tell you something like, Next time he calls, let me talk to him. That's a little extreme, but there are some men who will get on the line and let the last ex know to mind his place. Or your new man may give you suggestions for how to deal with the unwanted phone calls; he might tell you to block his number or put a special ring on the phone so you know who it is when the phone rings, maybe even give you a few words to say to this guy to make him stop calling. This is a pressure situation; it doesn't require an action, but a reaction. If the new guy says something like, I just can't get into all of this, then he's not a good candidate for bene.ts. You're going to be in pressure situations in your relationship time and time again, and you should know up front, right now, if this guy is ready to handle it. If he goes into protect or.x-it mode, then he envisions you as his woman. And he just might be worth the bene.ts.

Say you lose a loved one someone really close to you. A man who has plans for you will immediately offer some form of comfort and help so that you can take the time to grieve. He might ask you if he can take your kids out for a couple of hours so you can have some time to yourself, or he might ask you if he can go with you to the funeral home to be with you while you see about the funeral arrangements, and so that he can express his condolences to your family. Note, ladies, he's probably not going to want to sit there and let you retrace your childhood and reminisce about the.rst time your deceased loved one pushed you on the swing; that's not about to happen it's not what men do. But a real man will respond with some kind of solution he will do what he can to help you stop crying, because no man wants to see his woman crying. If this man is not comforting if he's not coming up with some solutions to help you feel better, then he needs to be.red. He has no rights to the bene.ts.

A man who is worthy of the bene.ts will be there for you no matter what bad circumstance comes along. If you lose your job or fall behind on some payments because you had a huge and unexpected.nancial situation to deal with, he'll recognize your need for help and rise to the occasion, whether it's giving you a little extra cash to make the minimum payment on your bills, stopping by with a few bags of groceries, or.lling your gas tank.

Let's just get right to the crux of this whole chapter: when a man asks for sex, and he is told no, his reaction to that no will tell you everything you need to know about him. If the phone calls cease or become infrequent, the.owers stop coming, the dating slows down, please understand that this man was just in it for the sex. If he says something stupid, such as, I don't need to wait for sex I can get it from anybody, you tell him right back, Please do. This cuts the riffraff away right away. But if your saying no doesn't deter him, and he continues to try to get to know you better and prove to you that he's worthy of your bene.ts, then he's really, truly interested in you. Don't get me wrong: he's still interested in the sex. But he's also interested in knowing how you feel and what time frame you're working on. Then the relationship becomes about what you want what your needs are. And that's what you're after, right?

It's that simple.

Now, I realize that ninety days sounds like a lot of time and you kinda need to be real creative to keep his attention on you and your new relationship. So I came up with a list of things you can do with your man to help you and him stay focused on the relationship.

Go on dates that help you.nd out each other's interests: if he's into photography, hit up a photography exhibit at the local museum; if you're into cooking, take a cooking class together.

Host a barbecue at your house and invite him to meet your friends and family; a good guy should be comfortable meeting the people you love.

Go to church together; know that he's interested.

Sign up for a sexy Latin dance class so you can learn some new moves it'll show you if he's into trying new things, and you can tell if the man has, um, rhythm.

Find out each other's favorite artists and attend a concert together.

Release your inner kid and spend an evening playing games at an arcade.

Have a few.rsts together go horseback riding together, or hit up a batting cage, or fall all over each other at the ice skating rink.

Volunteer together help out at a local soup kitchen or read books to kids at a local foster home; you can tell a lot about a man who's willing to help others.

Rent a convertible and get lost cruising in your city; you'll have plenty of time to talk on a long drive.

Find a quiet place where you can watch the sunset together.

Play a board game.

Go for a long walk under a starlit sky.

Send each other naughty e-mails, so he can be sure that when he does get it, it's going to be good. (And you can make sure he's literate while you're at it.)

Read a passage out of each other's favorite books.

Have a movie night in which you both bring your favorite DVDs.

Go to a record store and listen to each other's favorite artists.

Challenge each other to do something silly, like build a sandcastle at the beach or a game of jacks or marbles.

Hit up a comedy show; you can learn a lot about a person by what they.nd funny and what they think is offensive.

Go out for a picnic in the park with the kids; see if he's comfortable with them.

12

Let's get one thing straight. When a man approaches you, he doesn't see anything except what's in front of him how you're.tting into your jeans, what the shape of your leg looks like in those heels, how your lips look with that lip gloss shining, how beautiful your eyes are with all those colors around them. We don't care if you use M. A. C or Bobbi Brown, Maybelline or L'OrTal. We don't care anything about where you live, who you used to be with, what kind of car you're driving, how much money you're making and spending, or even who you're spending it on. And we especially don't consider whether you have kids and what that would mean if we were in a relationship with you. In fact, if we're about game and our game goes right, we never make it to the kids; we.gure we're going to have dinner a couple of times, maybe catch a movie or go bowling, and be in a room with a bed frame and a mattress in it in a matter of days if our game is proper, or a few weeks if you're playing hard to get. Kids? Please. Some men don't care any which way about your kids. The guy you're trying to hook up with won't be any more interested in your life as a mother than what color toenail polish you'll ask for at your next pedicure appointment. In fact, if a guy is in it for one thing if he's a game runner looking for nothing more than your cookie then the plan is to never meet the kids. And once he gets what he was looking for, oh, you can believe he'll be plotting how to move on.

What's most likely to happen is you'll follow the timehonored single mom tradition of dating a guy, all the while keeping him as far away from your home life as possible partly because you want to get clarity on the relationship and the direction in which it's moving, partly because you don't want to introduce your kids to any man unless you're absolutely, 100 percent sure that he's in it for the long haul. Once you've convinced yourself there's long-term potential with the guy in question, then you invite him home to meet the kids.

Stop right there.

I'm here to tell you that you're going about this all the way wrong. You can't become emotionally attached to this man and make some kind of verbal or, especially, physical commitment to him, and then.nally drag him to the house only to.nd out he doesn't like your kids, and your kids don't like him. You've gone and got this guy all hot and bothered thinking you're some sexy vixen who's fun and interesting and wild and willing and able to swing from chandeliers, and once you walk into your living room, he's tripping over Tonka trucks and mashing crayons into the carpet while your kids are begging for potato chips, crying loudly, and telling you the baby's diaper needs changing? This is not a good situation, ladies. Not a good situation at all. In fact, the introduction is late much too late.

See, a man needs to be able to see what all he's going to be responsible for up front; if he sees you in the role as a mother, he's going to immediately try to.gure out if he sees himself in the role as a father. He's going to evaluate if he can afford those children, if he wants to be bothered with the drama that comes when a baby's daddy is likely lurking in the background, whether he can handle any animosity that might come his way when the kids get wind of him, and,.nally, if he wants to play second.ddle to the children, whose needs you surely will meet many moons before his all of these things and then some will be taken into account. And if you hold back key information he needs to assess his potential life together with you, and pop it on him when he's not expecting it, he's not going to receive the information well plain and simple. In fact, he's likely to think he was duped duped into thinking he had one woman, when clearly he's involved with someone who comes with a whole different set of obligations, responsibilities, and potential requirements. (Note: Telling him you have kids is not good enough.)

Besides that, the longer you hold off introducing him to the kids, the more he's going to think there's something wrong with them that you're hiding the kids for a reason. And that will only make him more apprehensive about that initial meeting; in his mind, you will have elevated the get-together to the level of a G8 summit, giving the introduction way more power than it needs or deserves. He's meeting the kids, for goodness' sake they're not sitting down to a state dinner at the White House.

So, to avoid all of this, you need to get the kids in the game early; a natural, casual introduction early in the relationship will set all of you up for a much healthier connection. He should be sitting across the room or at the park or at the ice cream parlor with those kids right around the time you start developing emotional feelings for this guy beyond I'm attracted to him. If you're starting to wonder whether this guy is right for you, then you might as well see if he's right for the kids. Let him see you and them in your natural setting in a motherchild capacity. He should see you feeding oatmeal and fruits to the toddler, and braiding the seven-year-old's hair, and folding the ten-year-old's laundry, and cheering the.fteen-year-old on during football practice. He'll be looking at all of these things to determine what kind of mother you are, and whether he'd like to have you be the mother of his children. This is hugely important, ladies, because we men recognize that some women aren't cut out to be mothers that there's no automatic mothering gene that kicks in for women just because she has the equipment to carry and birth babies. Just as some women can't drive, just as some women can't do math, just as some women can't cook, some women aren't good at mothering. And a guy wants to see that the potential mother of his children is at least decent at it, that she can be kind, compassionate, creative, and stern. He wants to see that you can handle matters without unraveling that the stress that comes with marriage and family is something you can handle with decent skill because the one thing we men do know is that marriage and family equals stress. So we're looking looking to see if you can handle having to make dinner for the kids, while helping one with the homework, tending to the other who's had the.u for a week, helping one get on the Internet, and kicking the other off the Internet's inappropriate sites, all at the same time, without strangling anybody.

More important, you should introduce the kids to the man you're dating so that you can see him in a fatherly capacity. Walk him into your house, introduce him to little Taylor and Brianna, and then sit back and observe; you will get the purest and truest reaction from him when you do this. If he actually knows something about kids and likes them, he'll be able to start and hold a conversation with a six-year-old; the biggest test of someone's children skills is whether they can talk to kids in a way that will keep them engaged and elicit a response. If he freezes up and acts like he's on the witness stand he just can't think of anything to say or ask then chances are his intense reaction is a sign he's just not all that good with children. Similarly, if he's completely defenseless against the powers of the wicked little kids who are liked by no one but their mother, then that's a potential problem, too. The guy who can't hold his own in those situations who can't use humor or compassion or square his shoulders in a take-charge way to de.ect any attempts by the kids to do damage or harm to him may have some issues, too. After all, you want your potential man to be able to be, well, a man around your kids someone who can take charge when the kids act like fools and they need a man to set them straight. Kids, after all, respect authority.

All of this, of course, will tell you a lot about this guy about the kind of father he'd be. If he's comfortable with the kids, can entertain as well as give them advice, and give you solid advice on how to troubleshoot, too, then he's showing you the traits of a potentially good father.gure for your child. Likewise, when he sees you with your children nurturing them, feeding them, and keeping all of their needs satis.ed, you're showing him not only that you're a good mother to your own children, but that you're potential mother material for any children he already has, and any babies you two might make together.

Sure, how your kids feel about this guy should count for something, too. Children have an uncanny ability to pick up on when human beings mean them well or harm; if they're younger, they have no ulterior motives about not liking someone, especially if you introduce him as my friend Mr. So-and-So, just like you would any female friend of yours. But know, too, that if your child's father is in your kid's life, your child may not necessarily have the most warm and fuzzy feelings about the new guy and that's natural. In these cases, your child isn't exactly going to make it easy for the new man to get close quickly. But this isn't necessarily going to scare a man off. (First off, how would a grown man look being scared off by a child? If he runs, let him.) Oh, the new guy might raise an eyebrow or two if he keeps running into problems with Little Chucky if on the.rst date, Chucky forgoes a handshake for a swift kick to the shin, and on the second date, the little monster purposely rides his bicycle up the side of the new man's ride, and on the third date, he accidentally spills his fruit punch all over your man's nice white linen suit. But if you're worth it, he's going to stick it out and see if Chucky is truly insane, or if he simply keeps catching him on his bad days. He'll try harder to win Chucky over, and give the relationship more time to assess whether Chucky is bearable.

And teenagers? Oh, men don't even see them as a problem; no man walks into a situation thinking they're going to be best friends with the teenager in the house. Even their biological parents can't stand teenagers, and vice versa, sometimes, so the odds are low that the new man is going to have a kumbaya moment with a sulking, hulking, attitudinal older child. The beauty of teenagers, though, is that they tend to make themselves invisible. As a result, your new man might actually be able to focus on your relationship without the distraction of a misbehaving kid. But a man who genuinely wants to be in your life will try to be a part of your teenager's life he won't be deterred. He's expecting that a teenager will be a jerk to him. What he'll try to determine is whether the jerkiness is an act to be mean, or if that's truly who this kid is.

Now, we all understand your need as a mother to protect the emotions of your children and your reluctance to let them get attached to someone you can't guarantee won't disappear and take your kids' hearts with him. Likewise, we understand how important it is for you to not look like you're fast and loose, running men all through the house like your living room is a bus stop. We also know this violates every single rule you've had hammered into your head about such introductions. But my goodness, I'm not talking about bringing everybody to the house. I'm talking about the guy that you think might be serious about you. And don't worry about whether he's going to think you're trying to trap him or you're just looking for some sucker to take up where your kids' daddy failed. Single moms all over the planet have convinced themselves, with their natural instincts as nurturers and protectors in full gear, that bringing men they've just met around the kids is unsafe. But, ladies, here's a secret: that's exactly what the players who wrote the rule book you've been following want you to believe. Women live under that fear because the men intent on playing the game tricked you into thinking this way; as long as you believe it, we get to keep the game alive until we get what we want, without any obligations.

If you really want a good man in your life, if you've asked God to give you a family, you've got to stop all this foolishness and introduce this man to your kids so you can.gure him out. The sincere men among us know that women with kids are a package deal, and we'll understand that you are a mother with obligations to your kids.rst, especially if you lay that out up front. Tell us straight up: I'm not just looking for a mate for myself; I'm trying to form a union with a man who will be willing to be the head of this family. You know what a declaration such as that is? That, sweetheart, is a requirement. You've told him in a nice, not-so-subtle-but-sweet way that the only way a man is going to be a part of your life is if he agrees to be a part of your children's lives, too. A real man is going to be okay with that because you've told him that if he's going to be a part of your life, you and the kids are a package deal, and that he will get dismissed quickly if you feel like he's not right for or good to the kids. With that information, with your requirements so clearly laid out, he's going to either run for the hills, or try to.gure out how to make this thing work. Go ahead, invite him to come with you and the kids to the zoo, or invite him over to your mom's house for a family barbecue. See what he says what he does. If he says, Nah, I ain't going over there, I got to watch Monday Night Football, and it's Saturday, then guess what? He's probably not the one for you. Usually, how a relationship starts is a good sign of how it's going to end up, and if a man starts out not interested in your family, what makes you think that after you sleep with him, he's going to suddenly develop an affection for your family? But if he brings a game of Scrabble or Monopoly over to the house and sits down on the.oor and plays for an hour or he invites you and your family to join him on an outing, then he just might be a keeper.

For those of you who are thinking strictly from a safety standpoint, please know that I'm not telling you to bring a man you hardly know into your house and leave him sitting there with your kids, unsupervised. Of course, when someone you're just getting to know is in your home near your kids, you're going to sit there the whole time, watching. What's he going to do touch your daughter on the thigh while you're sitting on the couch right next to her? Or put your son in a choke hold at the dinner table? Be realistic: no man is going to walk in your house and abuse anyone with you sitting nearby. And if you're that concerned about bringing a man into your house, you can always go to a public place somewhere where plenty of people will be able to eyeball what's going on and give a detailed accounting to the authorities if he steps out of line and you have to chop him in the neck.

For those of you who are dating men with children, don't expect him to introduce the kids early, necessarily, because wherever his child is, most likely his child's mother isn't too far away. And the last thing he needs or wants is for his kid to run back to his ex talking about the nice lady Daddy had over to the house; next thing you know, his ex is laying down the new custody terms, which do not include having her baby around any strange woman she hasn't previously ran a background check on and authorized, especially if that woman is trying to lay up in her ex's house. So a man with children from a previous relationship recognizes he needs to ration out the female encounters with his kids if he wants to try to keep a modicum of peace with his ex and actually see his kids again. If you're not somebody he's trying to have around for any amount of time, he's not going to waste his girl-encounter ration on you, knowing that you're not worth the grief he's going to suffer when his children go back and tell their mommy he had a woman in the house. He's decided in his mind you're not worth it.

If he asks you to meet the kids, thereby using one of his girlencounter rations, be sure of this: he's decided you're worth the pain he'll have to suffer when the ex hears about it.

How will he let you know which category you.t in? If after, say, your.fth date he's still telling you, By the way, we have to go out on Sunday because this Saturday is my time with the kids and it's the only time I have with them, so… then he doesn't want you around them he's telling you you're not worth the potential headache. But if he says something like I got the kids this Saturday, how about we go to the beach or the park? then he's thinking he can.gure out how to deal with the ex later right now, he wants nothing more than to be with you and the kids.

Want to smoke out whether he's got good father potential or not? The following list isn't foolproof, but it will certainly give you some food for thought about the things you should be taking into account as you consider whether this man is right for your kids or if you should take the kids and run in the other direction.

He tells you he likes kids, and actually would like to have one someday.

He expresses interest in meeting your children.

He shows up to the house with gifts for the kids. (Of course, if he brings an Xbox for Mikey and disappears for a few hours, then that might be a problem.)

He lets the children see that he sincerely respects and likes (and even loves) their mother.

He makes a kid-friendly date with you and invites your children along.

He takes you and the kids to church.

He has a good job and a solid work history.

He's kind to his mother and checks in with her often (but mama's boys need not apply).

His nieces and nephews spend considerable time with him.

He has younger siblings he helped care for when he was younger and they made it through, unscathed.

He has a pet, and it actually gets fed and taken care of.

He keeps his house clean and knows how to cook a few decent meals.

He's.nancially prepared to care for you and your children, or he has the desire to.

He can and is willing to comfort your child when she hurts herself. (If he starts hyperventilating at the sight of blood, this might be a situation especially if he's already told you he's a doctor.)

He doesn't faint at the sight of diapers.

He can get down and dirty with your children squirting them with a water hose, shooting hoops at the park, getting buried in the sand at the beach and like it. (Though you don't want him to get too excited about playing Tea Party with the dolls.)

He doesn't lose his mind when someone spills food and drinks in his car, or puts a muddy footprint on the back of his seat it shows he's not so fussy about messy kids (because nothing wrecks your car quicker than having kids; his seats will see the inside of a Happy Meal).

He can make it through a one-on-one game with your child and maybe even let him win once (Note: dunking on an eight-year-old and yelling, In your face! is not something a good potential father would do).

He's willing and able to teach you how to play a sport which shows he has the patience of Job.

He's willing to go to family functions with you and the kids even after hearing the stories about your crazy aunt Thelma and how she likes to get a little tipsy and call out your new boyfriends in front of company.

He's actually interested in how your child is doing in school, and not only encourages him to do well, but gives suggestions on how he can excel.

He can be gentle with your kids, but he's capable of being.rm with them, too (though you don't want to see him start taking off his belt within the.rst half hour of meeting the children; I know kids can be bad, but that's a little much).

He's capable of forgiveness, and shows that, even when your kid does the seemingly unforgivable or at least the highly questionable.

13

A world without women would go a little something like this:

Men wouldn't wash or shave.

We wouldn't work.

Our wardrobe would be pretty simple: sweats, T-shirts, and socks maybe some sneakers if we absolutely had to go outside.

There'd de.nitely be no need for dishes or vegetables or much food for that matter a paper plate or two, some cold cuts, pizza, and beer would do just.ne.

Furniture in the house would be kept to a minimum: we'd have a recliner, a refrigerator, a really big television, and, of course, a remote.

We'd need only two television channels: ESPN and ESPN2.

And we wouldn't need to go on vacation we'd just go to Vegas. They've got everything we need in Vegas you can gamble there, smoke cigars, eat steak, play golf, and go to the strip club, and really, you wouldn't need that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas slogan because men wouldn't go blabbing about what they did, anyway.

This is all to say that men are very simple creatures who would be prone to doing some very simple things if not for the women in our lives. After all, you all are the masters of handling it: you work full-time, then come home to the full-time job of being wives and mothers and everything to everybody; you're raising kids (all too many of you without any help from the men who helped create them); you're making most of the major purchasing decisions in our households; you're taking over key positions in the corporate world and bringing home the bacon (some of you more than the men in your lives); you're excelling in college, where you outnumber young men at a ridiculous rate; and you're holding up our churches and educating our children in the school system, in effect, nurturing and protecting our minds and spirits. We men welcome and appreciate this more than you ever will know (mainly because we're a little too proud sometimes to 'fess up to it).

Still, the strength it takes to handle it is not, in a man's mind, where a woman's power lies. To us, your power comes from one simple thing: you're a woman, and we men will do anything humanly possible to impress you so that, ultimately, we can be with you. You're the driving force behind why we wake up every day. Men go out and get jobs and hustle to make money because of women. We drive fancy cars because of women. We dress nice, put on cologne, get haircuts and try to look all shiny and new for you. We do all of this because the more our game is stepped up, the more of you we get.

You're the ultimate prize to us.

This may be a hard pill for you to swallow and some of you may be offended by what I'm about to say, but I say this in truth and an abiding love for the opposite sex: somewhere along the way, women lost sight of this. Maybe in part because we men have played so many games, pulled so many tricks out of our hats just plain done so much wrong in our quest to get women that we've convinced you all that you are not important to us. Perhaps it has to do with how women are raised these days there's been the constant encouragement from your mothers and aunties and grandmas and female mentors to educate yourselves and get great jobs and to be independent women, no matter the cost, even if it means putting off having serious relationships. Or maybe you all have just been worn down by the constant media obsession with perfection, with everything from magazine covers to television shows, to commercials, and blogs, and everything else telling you to nip it and tuck it and suck it in and dress it up and look like Halle Berry and BeyoncT if you want to attract a good man, knowing full well that all of you possess a great beauty all your own, and only Halle can look like Halle, and only BeyoncT can look like BeyoncT.

Whatever the case, we men are no longer connecting with that special part of you that makes you a woman that thing that makes you so very beautiful to us, and that also happens to make us feel more like men. As I've already explained, the three ways a man shows you he loves you is by professing, providing, and protecting. Which means that if you've got your own money, your own car, your own house, a Brinks alarm system, a pistol, and a guard dog, and you're practically shouting from the rooftops that you don't need a man to provide for you or protect you, then we will see no need to keep coming around. What in the world do you need us for if you have all of that?

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. We don't mind it if you have yourself totally together you can have your own house, you can have your own money, you can own your own car. You can have the Brinks alarm system, the guard dog, and the pistol, too. But if the man who is pursuing your affection is never allowed by you to exhibit his ability to provide or protect, then how can he possibly see himself professing his love to a woman who has not allowed him to feel like a man? The things you've acquired and gained.nancially and educationally can never be bigger than the relationship with the man. His DNA will not allow for that. Translation: we appreciate it when women treat us like men, when you let us know that you need us. The need to feel needed is way bigger to us than we've let on; we have to feel needed by you in order to ful.ll our destiny as a man.

Of course, I've heard women say, I'm not going to belittle myself to make him feel more like a man if he can't handle my money and my success and my independence, then he can't handle me! We understand and can handle strong women. In fact, we're the products of strong women women who handle it. It's no secret that you allow us men to believe we're the head of the household, but it's you who makes all the key decisions in the house and with the kids. It's no secret to us that no matter who's bringing in the most money, it's you who ultimately handles the.nances and allocates how the cash is going to be spent. It's no secret that when we argue, we may act like we're right, but we know that ultimately, if we want to restore the peace, you're going to get your way. We're cool with all of this. But if you say things to this effect without keeping up the charade of our being essential to the household or you handle our egos with anything less than great care then we're not going to want to be involved with you. In our minds, if you've got your own money, you don't need ours. If you know karate and can knock somebody.at on his behind by yourself, then you don't need our protection. And if we can't exercise two of the major components that make up who we are as men providing and protecting then we're not about to profess our love for you. We absolutely will not say, I'm your man if you don't let us ful.ll who we are. What will end up happening instead? We'll sleep with you and then walk away.

It's the hard truth, but that's real.

When I was a young man, I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought I loved. I had dropped out of college and was in between jobs, just starting to.nd my way as a comedian. She was an enormous help to me; I was struggling, and she was holding it down for us.nancially, I admit, but I thought I was more than making up for my lack of cash by being all I could be around the house doing what was necessary to keep our home in order. See, that's what being in a real relationship is all about.nding that balance, even in the midst of adversity. And adversity will come. Those wedding vows they make you say? The preacher makes you say them because he and everyone else who's ever been married knows what's coming. For better or for worse? Worse is coming. In sickness and in health? Somebody is going to get sick. For richer or for poorer? Somebody might end up broke, temporarily laid off. Hard times will certainly come. The question is, how are you going to deal with it?

This was made clear to a friend of mine one particular day when he went grocery shopping. His woman was loading up the cart with everything she needed for the house the meats, the vegetables, the fruits, the drinks, and everything. And then they turned down the aisle with the pineapple juice. Now one thing you need to know about my friend he loves pineapple juice. Steak with pineapple juice I can't tell you which is better to him. And when they turned down that aisle, the.rst thing he put his hand on during that entire grocery store trip was a bottle of pineapple juice. He didn't think anything of it just grabbed a bottle and dropped it into the cart. She had her back turned when he did it, but when she turned around and saw the pineapple juice in there on the pile of groceries, she snatched it out and said, What is this?

Pineapple juice, he said simply.

And who put this pineapple juice in the basket? she asked.

Well, I did, he said, a little confused. Who else in the world would have put a bottle of pineapple juice into their cart?

You, she practically spit, don't have any money.

And then she did the unthinkable: she took that bottle of pineapple juice and purposely dropped it on the.oor; it hit the tile with the loudest crash, and broke into what looked like a million little pieces of shiny glass shards and yellow liquid all of it just inches away from their feet. She glanced at it, then gave him the eye, and pushed the grocery cart on away from the mess and him.

He walked out the store and waited for her; when she.nally came out, he loaded the groceries into the car with tears in his eyes. You just can't imagine how that hurt him. He knew he didn't have any money, but all he wanted was a damn bottle of pineapple juice, and in that singular act, in that one moment, his lady shoved into his face that she didn't consider him to be a man. It was more important to her in that moment to prove what he already knew that he wasn't ful.lling his role as a provider. I'm not suggesting that she didn't have the right to have a man who was pulling his weight. But if she knew him and men she would have understood that making him feel less than a man wasn't going to get her what she needed and wanted out of her man. Her actions were only going to drive him away.

Not long after, he left her.

And that is pretty much the reaction you can expect from men in similar situations where a woman makes more than her partner and she rubs that fact in his face. Will he be intimidated by your money and your success? Of course. Because you're taking him out of his role as a man to be the provider. It's what society expects of him, and really, what you've been taught to expect of men, too that he be able to sweep you up and take care of you. Sure, when a man is young and doesn't know any better, he's busy being all this other stuff he thinks.ts into what it means to be a man: dating an excess of women; recklessly spending his money on things he doesn't really need, much less can afford; using his muscle instead of his brain in his quest to appear tough. But most of us grow out of this eventually, and when we do, we recognize that a real man provides for the ones he loves. Even a male convict will sit behind bars and tell you, The.rst thing I'm going to do when I get out of here is take care of my family and get a job that's all I want to do. Most every man comes to that realization. Some men never come out of the ignorance and die fools alone. But for the most part, when we get around other men and try to validate our manhood, it's not about how many women we've got, but who we're taking care of.

We are trained to be providers for you, and you are trained to look for that in us. So the moment that order of things is thrown off, the relationship is out of sync. If a woman also has the bad habit of throwing a man's de.ciencies in his face, then he has a problem of a whole different magnitude. He's going to struggle with not being the provider and she's going to feel like his ego is getting in the way of her happiness. And everyone involved is bound to get and be miserable.

So how do we get through this situation?

Don't give up your money, or your job, or your education, or the pride and dignity that come with all of that.

Just be a lady.

Oh, I can hear the collective teeth sucking it's as loud as a police siren and helicopter whir in Compton I can see the universal arm folding and eyebrow raising as well. But your getting hot and bothered by what I'm saying isn't going to change the fact that men, no matter what their.nancial situation, background, social status, or backstory, want their women to let them take care of them. And I say to you de.ant ones, go ahead and act like this isn't important if you want to, but the women who accept that it's okay to let the guy take the lead sometime are going to win. So do you want a man or not?

You can do this.

We know you're strong enough to move the television set. But you should let him do it; say it's too heavy for you it's a man's job.

Yes, you're right there's nothing wrong with your arm and you are perfectly capable of opening your own car door. But doggone it, when you're going somewhere with a man, let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open said car door, stand by the darn thing and don't get in the vehicle until he realizes he needs to get his behind out of the driver's seat and come around and open the car door for you. That's his job.

We get that you've got plenty of money to pay for dinner. But sit there and let him pick up that check. That's what he's supposed to do when he's out with a woman on a date.

Yes, you are independent and you don't need anyone to take out the trash for you or hang your pictures or run to the Home Depot and pick up the supplies you need to.x the sink. But I lie to you not: if you put your.nger in your mouth and act like you haven't a clue what to do or the strength to do it, your man will step right in and handle that for you with a smile if you add a hearty, Baby, thank you so much for doing this for me I don't know what I'd do without you.

See, a lot of men would be better men if they were required to be, well, men. We're in this new age, and women have taken on these roles out of necessity I'll admit that. But at some point, you're either going to have to accept that you're going to be the big ol' strong, lonely woman, or you're going to have to back down and just be a lady. Women play roles all the time why is it when it comes to this, you're so unwilling to play the role, even when you know it's going to give you what you want and need? In the long run, being a girl allows you to relax. Why not take the opportunity to relax? Honest to goodness, I promise you it's not hard, it won't kill you, and whatever it is that you need, he will hop to it if you just show him a little appreciation.

Take a page from my wife and I: there's not a day that goes by that we don't compliment each other at least several times a day, but on one speci.c day recently, when she left me in charge of the kids while she ran some errands and did some work around the house, she saw I was worn out from chasing behind the children. Chasing behind children is not something I do. I mean I can do it but it's exhausting. Come on. Still, when Marjorie walked into the room and saw the harried look on my face, she very sweetly.ipped the script on me and said, Steve, thank you so much for watching the children you're a great father. Boy, I can't tell you how good that made me feel. She had hardly gotten the words out of her mouth before I hopped to, making sure those kids kept out of her way and stayed quiet while she was.nishing up what she had to do. Had that compliment not come through, I would have been salty about having to sit around with the kids all day when there were so many other things that I could have been doing and wanted to do. That compliment, you see, made me remember why I was in the game, and especially why Marjorie is on the team.

Appreciating a man, not undermining his con.dence, is the best way to get the best out of your guy. And the best way to appreciate him is by being a girl, and especially letting him be a man.

Now, I'm convinced that being a girl is a lost art form something that every woman can use some lessons in. So I've taken the liberty of showing you how to be a girl in some of the basic but most important situations in which you'll.nd yourself with a man. Guaranteed, if he's worth his salt, he'll be all in.

Don't tell him where you'd like to go tell him the kind of food and atmosphere you enjoy, and then let him.gure out a place that he thinks will suit your taste.

Don't tell him you'll drive let him get you to where you all need to go.

Don't tell him you want to go dutch let him pay.

Don't invite him up for a nightcap kiss him good night and let him.gure out what he needs to do to earn the cookie (but not before the ninety-day probation ends).

Don't try to.x the sink, the car, the toilet, or anything else let him do it.

Don't take out the garbage, paint, or mow the lawn that's his job.

Don't do any of the heavy lifting he was born with the muscle it takes to move sofas/television sets/bookshelves and the like.

Don't be afraid to make a meal or two the kitchen is both your and his friend.

Don't wear a T-shirt to bed every night a little lingerie never hurt anybody.

14

Your man knows what you want: the ultimate commitment The Ring. He knows, too, what he needs: you.

It seems obvious, then, that he would get himself to the jeweler, pick out a nice, hefty diamond, and then plot out an on-bended-knee proposal that would make the will you marry me? pitch that Grammy awarduwinning singer Seal made to supermodel Heidi Klum he proposed in an igloo he had built on top of a glacier fourteen thousand feet above sea level look like an invitation to the prom.

But your proposal never comes. And the way your man is acting, it's not coming anytime soon. And so, you wait. And wait. And wait some more.

This is the story of all-too-many women girlfriends who are putting in some serious work not only because they love their men, but because they want to prove they're The One. Everybody is clear about how you prove to him you're The One: Do all the things for him a wife would do support him emotionally, be loyal, work it out in the bedroom, tell him you love him often and show it, too. Maybe live with him. Have his babies. Get close really close to his mom and sisters and friends. Basically, you give him everything he needs and all of what he wants.

Check out this Strawberry Letter from a listener who called herself Biological Clock Ticker, a thirty-one-year-old single, childless woman in a relationship she said feels like a three-year-long booty call:

He tells me he loves me and wants me to have his children. My biological clock is ticking like crazy, and we have been trying for the past year to get pregnant, to no avail (I believe that this is a sign). The problem is that he says he does not want to be in a committed relationship or marriage because he doesn't want to answer to anyone. As long as I have known him, I have shown him that I am not at all like the other women that he has dated. I was there for him when he injured himself, quit his job, when his father died, and when he was unemployed for months. I have been encouraging him, and am there for him.nancially and physically. I've been waiting and hanging in there, hoping he'll marry me because I don't think that I will get anyone else that would want to have a child with me. Am I being a fool for waiting for him? Should I just let it go?

She and all too many women in similar predicaments can't understand why, after all of this hard work, he won't give her the one thing she needs and wants. Well, let me break it down for her and you. Your man hasn't asked you to marry him because of one or more of the following reasons: (1) he is still married to someone else; (2) you're really not the one he wants; or, the real answer you don't want to hear, (3) you haven't required him to marry you or set a date.

In fact, I know of a few guys whose ladies are smack-dab in the middle of this predicament right now. One that stands out is a couple that dated for a year before she ended up pregnant. To her credit, the single mom (she has a son from an earlier failed relationship) knew she didn't want to have a second child with a man who wasn't there to help raise her kids, so she made it simple for him: I'm only going to have this child if you're willing to be a father for real not this part-time/every-oncein-a-while/when-I-feel-like-it kind of dad. And, faced with the prospect of losing her and his baby, he stepped up to the plate: He agreed to be there for their child, and gave up his apartment, and moved in with his girlfriend while they prepared for the birth of their son.

Oh, she thought the proposal, the ring, and the wedding would follow shortly after the baby was born. To his credit, her boyfriend did come through with a ring. But she's been wearing it for seven years now, and though she's been hoping, waiting, and praying for a wedding date, they're no closer to walking down the aisle today than they were the day their child was born. They share a home. They share parenting responsibilities. They share bills, schedules, car notes, church pews, and most certainly a bed. But they don't share the last name or a marriage certi.cate.

She can't understand why they're playing house instead of making an of.cial home together. He feels as if they've got a home, and really, there's not much more need to go any further than they already have.

And this is the dilemma.

See, to some men, marriage.ts into the same category as eating vegetables: you know it's something you should be doing, but you don't really want to because, well, the greasy, fat-.lled, salty, juicy burger and fries is just so much more satisfying. I've told you time and again in this book that we men are very simple creatures, and if it were not for women, we'd be living rather, well, simply the money would go to mostly shiny things, our time would be spent watching sports and strippers, and there would be no need for most of us to keep a clean house or dress nice or do anything other than play video games. We're happy living this way it makes us feel young and carefree. Marriage does not. Responsibility and marriage do not.t into that feeling, until all of the playing gets tired and we realize we have to be grown-ups, or something or someone makes us grow up.

But here's what you need to know: men are pretty clear that marriage is what women want that despite your independence, despite the statistics that say half the marriages in America end in divorce, despite the amount of time, work, sweat, and tears you know you'll have to pour into building an imperfect relationship, in the end, you women still believe in the fairy tale of the husband and the house and the white picket fence and the

2.5 kids.

Men are also clear that they can slowly give out the things that make it seem like they're making the march to the altar just to keep you hanging in there. Trust me when I say this: men do everything with a purpose, and in the case where a man dates you for an extended length of time, or moves in with you, or gives you a ring, but still refuses to be pinned down on setting a wedding date? He's doing it to lock you down. He wants you, and he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

And I'm here to tell you, the only reason a man gets away with a lengthy engagement or holds off the proposal altogether is because his woman hasn't required him to set the date; she is stupidly sitting there allowing her boyfriend to dictate to her when he's ready, though she slept with this man, cut off any other prospective husbands, and, in some cases, moved in with him and even had his children.

I simply can't be diplomatic here.

It's just plain dumb.

Get into your man's mind-set here: if a man is willing to be your boyfriend at length, live with you, be an involved father, or give you a ring, he has already taken himself off the player's list technically, he's scratched his name off the sport.shing registry. He can't bring babes to the house. He can't talk on the phone or take any phone calls from babes at the house. He can't leave to go see a babe when he wants to or stay with her all night. He knows he can't give his money to any other woman because he's pooling it with you. Why does a man in a committed relationship with you accept the above list of he can'ts?

Because he wants you and he doesn't want to lose you.

So now there's only one more step to get the marriage equation: the setting of the wedding date. You know you want it, so here's what you do: get some requirements and standards and enforce them tell him, I love you, you love me, we're in a terri.c relationship one that I've always dreamed about. And what I want now is to be married to you. So I need you to set a date, and get back to me in a couple of weeks. If I don't get asked by then, then please know I'm not sitting around waiting for you to dictate when my happiness button gets pushed. The arrangements we have now are not making me happy.

What? This is a perfectly reasonable request. Otherwise, how long are you going to stay in the arrangement where you're not getting what you want four years? Ten years? Forever?

The timeline is yours; stop giving up your power. The moment we see you're willing to put aside your hopes of walking down the aisle, we're going to shelve it, too. And we're going to go on ahead and keep on renting you out, with the option to buy if you let us. Don't be the Baltic Avenue on the Monopoly board game the one that anyone can just roll the dice, land on, and pay a couple of dollars to chill on without any obligations or worries. You've got to go to Broadway on the game board; make your man round the corner and land on that high end property recognize that you're prime real estate that's for purchase only.

Note: This is not about asking your man to marry you. It's about taking yourself out of that 1945 mentality, where you stand around waiting for some guy to beg you for your hand in marriage. You've had it drummed into your head so cold that I'll never ask a man to marry me thing that you've lost all sensibility when it comes to getting what you want. But it's not 1945 anymore! Back in the day when my parents and their generation were courting and getting married, women could afford to wait around for the man to get it together because really, the options for men were limited. If a guy lived in a farmhouse, the next farmhouse was two miles away, and that one might not have a girl in it just two more boys so he'd have to walk another two miles to actually see a potential mate, much less.nd the one. And when they courted, they courted; he had to walk over there, write little messages on rocks on the way over so everybody knew his intentions, leave a note by the tree and send up smoke signals so the girl knew what was up. Oh, the courtship was far more romantic, because the men knew they had to behave properly not just for their intendeds, but their intendeds' daddies. The boys had to go over to the house, ask permission to sit in the room together, and the adults were present because there weren't any extra rooms for them to sit in alone. And that courting culminated in the men pulling the fathers aside and, with their shoulders squared and chins up, asking the fathers for their daughters' hands in marriage. And whatever the father said is what went.

Now women have been taught all their lives that if a man loves you, he will court you and ask for your hand in marriage. The problem with this is that you've been trained to use twentieth-century logic in twenty-.rst-century situations. There's no slim pickings of women out here women are at every turn, working with men, living in apartment buildings with them, riding the bus and trains with them, hanging out at the clubs with them. Technology's such that you can contact a woman without ever even seeing her. It's not 1945 anymore you can't hang on to those old ways. This, If he wants to marry me, he'll ask me thing has got to stop. Because we're not going to ask you when you're ready we're going to play with you until you give us your requirements and standards, and stand by them. I'm not telling you to get on bended knee. I'm telling you to set a timeline for the ring and the date, and tell the man you want to be married to what it is.

I recognize that this is hard. But let me tell you what's really hard: dating/living with/having a baby with a man who has no intention of marrying you and eight years up the road, he walks out and you're left to.nd a new man/pay all the bills after years of splitting them with someone else/raising those kids on your own. Oh, it can be done. But recognize just how hard that will be. All I'm suggesting is that you get the little uncomfortable moments out of the way early let him know now what you want and expect. Make clear to him what you're worth, and that you come at a cost; tell him how much you're worth like you're about to list yourself on eBay for a million dollars. Break down your value: say, I respect you, I adore you, I'm affectionate, I pay attention to you, I'm punctual, I'm kind, I'm loyal, I'll have your children and love them madly and all of this is available for a handsome sum. I need your time, loyalty, support, affection, attention, punctuality, kindness, gentleman ways I need the doors opened, chairs pulled out, your respect, and above all else, your love. I also expect a diamond ring and a walk down the aisle.

Now when a man hears this, he's going to pay attention, because you've placed a high value on yourself. He'll see that and question the situation: Is she worth all of that? If your cost is too high, he will move on. But you don't want that guy anyway, right? He's just looking to rent you. People who rent don't care anything about the property they're with they let it get run down, beat up, don't care what it looks like. They use the space, and when they.nd something better, they decline the new lease and they move on out and on to the next rental.

You want the guy who is ready to make the Broadway purchase the one who's looking to move in, stay awhile, take care of the lawn, make sure the plumbing is right, paint the walls, add furniture, pay the mortgage faithfully. You know, make your house a home. That guy right there? He's the one who will take responsibility and pop the question, like you need him to.

After all, boys shack. Men build homes.

Demand that he be a man about it. If he's not in love with you, he's not going to go for any of this, so now you know. But if he loves you, he will profess it, he will provide for you, and he will protect you. If he really loves you, the ultimate profession is, This is my wife. You can start with, This is my girl, or This is my baby's mother, or even, This is my.ancTe. But after a couple of years, you need to move beyond this.ancTe title. At the very least, you deserve clarity. Because women do not do well without clarity. The thing you all want to know is: Where's this relationship going? Do you love me? Am I the one? What do you see for us?

That's it in a nutshell every man knows this is coming up the road for him. He may not be ready for it now, but if he's not ready for it now and you are, then you don't have a good match, do you? So why waste all of your valuable years on something that's not going where you want it to go? Instead, you should seek out someone else who wants to go where you're going. I truly believe that's why there are so many women in their midthirties unmarried because somewhere along the line, they just didn't put their foot down and move on. But I can tell you from personal experience: put your foot down, set some standards, and watch how fast he falls in line. The reason I'm married to Marjorie today is because she had a timeline, some requirements, and some standards. I saw them early in our relationship; I saw them on the night our relationship was about to end; I saw them when I got her back. I'll tell you this much, if I still had the factory job at Ford and she needed $400 of my $600 paycheck, I would have given it to her.

I want to protect her.

And she makes me proud to be her man.

You can have this, too. Don't be another heartbreak story. Start putting yourself.rst get where you want to be, and make your man be all that he can be. Remember this: the number one cause of failure in this country is the fear of failure. Fear paralyzes you from taking action. Don't be afraid to lose him, because if a man truly loves you, he's not going anywhere.

15

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: men are really simple creatures. And there are some subjects we're just not going to spend a whole lot of time thinking about we're just going to answer your questions, straight, no chaser. So I asked a bunch of my female co-workers and associates to.re some questions at me things they've always wanted to know that their girlfriends just couldn't answer for them in a satisfying way. They asked I answered. Here it goes:

Men have different aesthetics, so what might be a turnoff for one man may be a total turn-on for another. Rest assured, though, that no matter the.aws you.nd when you look at yourself in the mirror, somewhere on God's earth, you are really doing it for someone someone out there is attracted to you exactly the way you are. A con.dent woman is incredibly attractive, no matter what mold she.ts in. Men are also very visual people, so there is no question men will check out a woman's clothes, the way she walks, her makeup, her feet, her hands, her daintiness little escapes our notice. make yourself look beautiful while you're hanging on his arm is cool by him. Boob jobs, tummy tucks, breast reductions, nose jobs if it makes you feel beautiful, we're good. But if you're telling your man you want a nose job and he sees nothing wrong with the nose you already have, then maybe you ought to think about leaving your nose alone. Why run the risk of something going wrong when your man is already happy with the way you look? Why lose the extra weight if your man is happy with you the way you are? Sure, it's.ne for you to do it if it's something you want to do for yourself. But a man isn't going to care about it one way or the other if he's already happy with what you have.

A lot of men in their forties and.fties start trying to validate themselves by going out with women who are signi.cantly younger. It's the equivalent of those sameage men going out and buying itty-bitty sports cars with big engines that make a lot of noise; they do this because their engine doesn't make a lot of noise anymore. This is especially true if that man doesn't have his life together. This isn't a re.ection on women at all; it's his problem. But guess what? There's a younger man looking at you right now, saying to himself, Wow I sure wouldn't mind validating myself with her! There's a lot of that going on, too, you know. Like I said before, there's somebody for everybody.

Men like all kinds of women. There's a man out there for every body type. There are men who like them big, there are men who like only small, petite women, and there are men who prefer women who.t between those sizes. It runs the gamut. It does not matter what size you are there is a man somewhere for you.

I wouldn't, and most nonsmokers wouldn't, either. The skin of women who smoke ages prematurely and their lips are stained. It ages them internally, too. And for me, it exhibits a weakness and a lack of understanding about their own health. Once we nonsmoking men see that a woman doesn't care about her own health, we immediately equate that to her inability to care for her man and her kids. Most nonsmoking men will not tolerate a smoking woman not on a permanent basis. We'll sleep with you, but we're not taking you home.

A man who loves you is going to love you regardless. As we ourselves get bellies and love handles, we certainly understand yours. We get that you're not going to look exactly like you did when we.rst met you. If you can keep it in some kind of parameter, though gain ten pounds, but avoid gaining a hundred and be sexy and.x it up and look nice with whatever extra weight you've put on or taken off, we're cool. If your man is shallow, he'll insist he just can't see past it. But if a man recognizes that, a few pounds notwithstanding, you're still making an effort to do what it takes to be visually appealing, he will be.ne with it.

Heels, baby. Heels. If we could get athletic shoes with heels for women, we would. It's just a really sexy thing to us. I don't know a single man who prefers women in.ats; I've never run into one. We all think heels make your legs more beautiful, they make your walk more feminine and you, too. And that's what we're attracted to.

A smart man can't date a dumb woman. But he can use a dumb woman. Most smart men don't want to date a dumb woman because we need to know that she can handle herself and our affairs, especially if we're thinking about giving her a ring. She can't walk into the of.ce party acting like the of.ce dummy. Now, we don't mind having a woman on the side who is dumb and.ne, but we won't keep her.

It's a total come-on. In our mind, if you want to buy us a drink, you want us. And if we think you want us, well, then, game on we're coming in for the kill.

Some men like it, but a man who doesn't drink certainly isn't going to care for a woman who partakes in the spirits. Know, though, that no man likes a drunk woman, unless you're in college and we're heading back to your dorm room. Remember, men want women to act like ladies at all times. If you drink socially, cool. But if your man has to carry you out, because you've passed out, you're hanging on to someone else, or you're talking loud and telling him you like slamming down shots, it's going to be a problem.

Only if you're in a committed relationship. Other than that, all he'll think is (a) you're trying to trap him, and (b) you expect something in return. Just wait and see what he's going to bring to your table.rst let him be the man and spoil you. Real men like to do this for the women they care about. Note: Be thankful for the gifts he gives you, but don't take it as the end all/be all sign that you're going to get a ring next week. A gift is just that a gift. Not a sign of things to come. Only his actions the way he professes, protects, and provides for you will give you a true sign of how this man feels about you.

Don't do it in the beginning of the relationship, unless you're perfectly comfortable with the title gold digger. But if you're in a relationship just you and him and you're really in a.nancial pinch, mention it and see how he reacts. Say, I'm really in a crunch, and I'm embarrassed to ask, but I really need your help. Do you think you could loan me $100 to meet this payment? I'll pay you back as soon as I can. Most men who really care about you won't think anything of it if they have it.

Without a doubt. If you're dealing with a man whose life isn't on track, who isn't at peace with who he is, how much he makes, and what he does, you might have a guy who'd be reluctant to help because he's still struggling to reach his goals and won't have time to help you with yours. But if he has his act together and he's really secure in his manhood, he'll help.

Not at all. These days it's almost a necessity for both the husband and the wife to work to make ends meet. But if a man is in a position to provide everything his family needs, most men would not have a problem with his woman staying home.

This is the twenty-.rst century, so most men don't have a problem with women drivers. But there are still some old-fashioned, chauvinist men who think women should leave the driving to the opposite sex. I don't know what cave they're living in. Matter of fact, I haven't met any of them yet.

No. Some guys like that, but mostly what they like is enjoying the game in peace. If you're not into it, go.nd something else to do.

We'll go if you make us and it's the only way we can spend time with you. But it's not what we want to do. Think about it: the Men's Department is almost always on the.rst.oor, by the door, and always one of the smaller sections in the store. There is no juniors department, no couture department, none of that. It's so we can get in and get out. You never walk in and see men rummaging through the sales racks and holding shirts up to their chests and openly asking if they'd look better in the blue or the green. We go in knowing exactly what we want, and come out with it. Rarely anything more. In and out: that's what we like about shopping. Getting in, and getting out.

It depends on the man. But really, who cares these days? It's not the big stink that it used to be. Personally I don't care. Love comes in every color and if a person.nds love and that person is of a different race from him or her, it shouldn't matter because the two of them found love. And isn't that what counts the most? Women have to make sure, though, that that's what they're doing it for. If she's doing it for some kind of status, then that's a horrible reason to get married to someone from a different race. But if she's doing it for love, more power to her.

Because we're hot. We're exhausted. We put in a lot of work, we're sweaty and burning up and we just need you to hold on a minute before you come climbing over to the side of our bed talking about holding something.

It's not a good idea to break that news at the kitchen table or on a long car ride. Nothing good can come from that. When you question our sexual abilities, we get really nervous and really self-conscious really quickly. I suggest you break the news while you're in the act. We're a little bit more open to it then. Say something like, Oh, I like it when you do this, or That's nice, baby, now do it this way, and watch him go to work. We'll put our backs into it then, because it makes us feel like we're pleasing you instead of absorbing complaints. During the act, we're open to any and all suggestions, as long as we think we're getting it.

Whatever you do, don't open this conversation with the dreaded four words: We need to talk. Our defenses immediately go up, warning signs start.ashing before our eyes, and now we're pretty con.dent whatever good time we had planned is about to be ruined. Instead, try telling your man spontaneously something like, I just can't get enough of you. That will make him know that the bar is up there he'll be more than willing to jump over it because you've made him feel like you want him, instead of like there's something wrong.

One day is more than enough punishment for us if we're talking about some kind of argument. You're mad about something he said about the kids and you don't want to have sex tonight? Okay. But tomorrow, if you're still mad about the kids and he's tapping you on the shoulder and you're shaking off his hand, that's a problem. Men are not going to hang in for that too long. But we'll go without longer if we violated your trust in some kind of way and we need to gain back your respect and trust. We understand that much.

I haven't a clue only gay men, or women who've dated men on the down low, can answer that question for you. I don't fall into either of those categories.

If a man goes along with an open relationship or he offers it, he's doing so because you are not in his long term plans. He does not see a future with you. Both of you can stop all this We wanted some spice in the relationship talk. When a man loves you, he's not trying to share you with anybody period. When you.nd that guy who's willing, I will show you the guy who's not in love with you. We're just not cut out that way.

Yes it makes us uncomfortable. We think you're trying to dig deep into our soul when you start trolling through our past and, possibly, passing judgment on it. Still, you have the right to know about a man's past. Just don't ask about it on the.rst date, because you will not get an honest answer, ever. He hasn't even decided about how permanent this thing between you is going to be there'll be no need to reveal the soul. Don't even waste your time asking about his previous woman; all he's going to claim is hurt, not what he may have done to her. Give your relationship time, and he'll reveal what you need to know.

Most men have a problem with that. Think about the three ways I told you a man shows his love. He protects, provides, and professes. And if we can't say This is Mrs. Harvey, then you're taking away the very core of how we show our love. We also need to know that we have your loyalty, and you show that by taking our name. We really don't care how important your dad's name or your family name is to you; we're about to start a family. A man needs to know you're as committed to this family as you are to your old one. You can hyphenate it if you want to, but that last name really needs to be the same as your man's. And if you're not committed to that, then why don't you just go marry your daddy?

There's no need to do that; we've got that covered. We're pretty clear that our woman can walk out at any time. But if you push it and try to make us jealous, you're going to be playing a dangerous game. Doing that almost always triggers a re.ex in a man; he might be liable to say, Oh, okay two can play at that game! If you feel like you have to make him jealous because you're not getting the attention you want, you might want to consult the Men Need Standards Get Some chapter, and then use some of those tips to get the man you need and deserve.

I strongly suggest that if you're in a fully committed relationship, all the chitchat you're having with a male friend gets dialed back. Take down the college pictures of the two of you, don't let him call the house or send gifts and such; continuing this every day is just asking for trouble. Think about it: I don't care if you could only see her picture in the dark with an invisible blue light; if your man kept a picture of another woman in his personal belongings, you'd lose your mind. How would you like it if he had a woman calling the house asking to speak to him? Or he accepted.owers from her? Exactly. What I suggest is that you avoid doing anything that will make your man have uncomfortable thoughts about you and someone else period. Form a two-handed circle and don't let anyone else in, especially male friends. You'll be happy you did.

Mostly out of weakness and a need to control something in their lives. But I have found that men who hit women have no tales or stories of hitting men. They're that weak.

We don't mind them. I mean, your man can't tell you not to have girlfriends any more than you can say he can't go play golf with the boys. Girlfriends are.ne.

We hate gossiping. But we know we can't stop it. It's an invasion of privacy, and a man is pretty con.dent that if you and your friends are willing to talk about other people together, then your friends are probably talking about you and him, too. Keep that in mind the next time you start getting all into other people's business.

Not if she's The One. Wives and signi.cant others are off-limits in conversations between men, because no man wants you thinking about his woman any kind of way, much less in a romantic or sexual way. Every man is clear on this. However, if you're not The One you're just someone that we're doing while we look for The One then you will be talked about, rest assured.

Look, if you don't have a good relationship with his mother, and she doesn't care for you, it is going to be stressful. Any woman who has been in a relationship with a man for ninety days should have met the family already, and if he hasn't introduced you, then you either need to ask why, or you should pretty much accept that he's not interested in forging a long-term relationship with you. If you're good enough for him to make it to his bed, you should be good enough to meet his mother.

Hell, no. No man is breaking up with his girl because she doesn't get along with family members (other than his mother). A sister doesn't have to come around to the house and be a part of family functions if she can't get along with the woman a man loves. The same holds true for cousins, aunties, and uncles.

If you put your family before him, he's out of there.

It's cool men know the child has a father, and if he's in his kid's life, we understand we'll have to have some type of interaction with him. But your new man needs to be able to come to your house and be himself. If he's in a committed relationship with you and he sees the kids doing something wrong and he can't say anything to them about it, then you're not letting him be the provider and protector he wants to be, and that's going to be a problem for him. You can't allow a man to buy school clothes, help put a roof over your head, put groceries in the refrigerator and buy gas for the car, and then tell him he doesn't have the right to be a father.gure if not a father to the kids. If that's the case, then what is his point of being there? You'll have to.gure out some kind of balance one that allows your child's father to do his job, but also allows your new man to do his job, too. And if he can't participate in raising the child, that could explain why the baby's daddy left in the.rst place.

Look, there are only a few Will and Jada Pinkett Smiths in this world. If you're one of them, congratulations. But really, he's not betting that you two will hit it off too well, and so he won't force the issue.

If you're calling to say, I have a special surprise for you when you get home, that's a good interruption. But if it's a phone call to talk about petty problems? Not a good interruption. Just because you feel like saying something right now this minute doesn't mean it should be said.

Once a man gives his answer to whatever question you're asking (or he thinks he heard, even if you never asked one), he's probably not listening to you anymore. Your cue is when he gives an answer. As far as he's concerned, his solution will.x whatever it is you're talking about, and if you're still talking after that, he's not listening anymore.

That I don't cook thing is really big, now. If you're gorgeous and you don't cook, we can kind of overlook it. But if we're married and you're not hooking yourself up like you used to and you don't cook? You're asking too much you're taking us for granted. Men appreciate a woman who can put together a meal. Here's good news for you women who can't cook: all of the cooking issues you have in the kitchen can be balanced out if you can really cook in the bedroom.

Absolutely. When we're considering whether to get into a committed relationship with you, we're thinking about what our house will be like, whether you'll be a good mother, if you'll be able to handle the.nances and make sound decisions. You should be evaluating us in the same fashion.

Men cannot stand women who are not clean. When our boys come over, do you really think we want to show them a junky house? Are we really going to invite our mothers over to sit on a couch in a nasty living room? I don't think so. How the house looks is a re.ection of you; people aren't going to walk in and say, He sure keeps a dirty house; they're going to say, She sure keeps a dirty house. No matter how society changes or how many responsibilities men take on in the household, the bottom line is that everyone still expects the woman to turn a house into a home a clean home. We men are no different. We like it when you put out the candles and the.oral arrangements and the china and the silver, and we like to walk into a clean house. Now if we're both working and you don't have time to keep it up, and I don't want to keep it up, then we need to carve out some cash to get a housekeeper! But the house simply cannot be dirty.

Yes. It determines how much we're going to have to work, and how much.xing we're going to have to do to provide for you. Now, it may not be a deal breaker. But it could certainly be a factor that men weigh.

We'll follow you to a new job if we're secure in our manhood and con.dent we can still provide for you the way we want and need to. But if we have to lose everything we've worked to build to do it, and there's not evidence that we'll be able to pick up the pieces while you're working your new job, then it's going to be a tough.ght. ass. If we think we're going to lose you and counseling will keep us together, then we'll go. But if it won't save our ass, we can't see any good reason why we should sit on a couch and talk to a person with a tablet, getting judged for every move we've ever made.

We like them. But please don't expect the same reaction you would have. We're not going to go to pieces and cry because you brought home a gift or planned a special trip or put together a nice, romantic surprise dinner for us. That's, well, not very manly.

For the most part, we don't worry about it to the extent that women do, because we know your makeup is different from ours. You're more careful about the mates you choose, and you have higher standards when it comes to deciding who you will sleep with. In our minds, this drastically cuts down the likelihood of our women cheating.