Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

5

We were doing the Steve Harvey Morning Show live by remote in Detroit, and a woman came up to the podium to say hello to me and the crew a really attractive girl, nicely dressed, with beautiful dark skin, pretty white teeth, gorgeous body, really put together all around. And when she started talking, she really threw me because I could hear in her voice that she was mature, but she just didn't look like she sounded. So I asked the lady how old she was; she said she was forty-two. Blew me away. I didn't think she was a day older than thirty. Then I asked her how many kids she had. Five, she said, smiling from ear to ear. I've got three of my own, and I adopted two.

Now I'm sitting here thinking, wow that's really slick. She's over age forty, she's taking care of not only the kids she gave birth to, but two more she took in out of the kindness and generosity of her heart, and she looks years younger than she really is she's really got it going on. Be clear: I wasn't about to do anything with this information because guess what? I'm a happily married man emphasis on happily. But some years ago, that conversation would have gone down a wholly different way, and it would not have involved me asking her anything about her kids, where she works, how she's living none of that.

But a guy who was all in her space while we continued doing our show that's another story. He clearly had plans for this lady. You could tell just by the way he was leaning into her, hanging on her every word. Oh, he was talking to her like there weren't hundreds of people surrounding them like my cohost and I weren't in the middle of a show. I knew what he was trying to get to. But clearly, she had no clue.

In front of everyone during a commercial break, I asked her, What does he want?

She laughed and gave me a confused look. Nothing, she giggled. We're just making small talk. Mind you, the guy trying to talk to her isn't saying a word. He knows that I know. And after a few more commercial breaks, and a lot more of his obvious moves, I.nally told her he was looking for much more than a simple conversation.

He wants something from you, I said. I can prove it to you.

Now the crowd, full of mostly women, is goading me on. Here's the deal, I said. Turn around right now, look in his face, and do not take your eyes off his eyes. Now tell him how many kids you got and watch his reaction.

The man seemed calm until she got to the word.ve. He reeled back like a spooked horse; his whole facial structure changed, and even though he covered his mouth, he couldn't keep his surprised, Ooh, from escaping his lips.

He couldn't get away from her fast enough. The next break, he was down on the other end of the venue.fty feet away, in some other woman's face. See, he wanted something from her, but that something didn't include.ve kids. He had a good job, he appeared intelligent. He had told me he was making good money; clearly, however, he couldn't foresee his money split those many ways. When he was.irting with this woman, all he envisioned was he and her getting down to it, no strings attached.

My cohost just laughed and laughed and asked me how I knew all of this. It's easy: when a man approaches you, he has a plan. And the main plan is to sleep with you, or to.nd out what it takes to sleep with you.

Here's a generalization but in my experience, it's true. Women love to sit and talk for no apparent reason but to talk, but we men, we're just not cut out to chitchat for the sake of chitchat we don't have time for it. We men are very simple people: if we like what we see, we're coming over there. If we don't want anything from you, we're not coming over there. Period. Please highlight this part right here so you can always remind yourself the next time a man steps to you: a man always wants something. Always. And when it comes to women, that plan is always to.nd out two things: (1) if you're willing to sleep with him, and (2) if you are, how much it will cost to get you to sleep with him.

That's his mission in the club.

That's his charge in the lunchroom at the of.ce.

That's what he's up to when he skips past all those seats at the church and sits down in the pew right next to you.

If a man sees you and asks you how you're doing, what do you think he came over there for? He didn't come over to learn anything from you, to.nd out about your interests and likes and wants. That's what women do when they're interested in getting to know someone. For a man, it's really less complicated: he liked what he saw from across the room and now he's going to go over there and get it. He doesn't care anything about your personality or what you do for a living; your friends mean nothing to him, and whether you know Jesus is irrelevant. He just wants to know if he might be able to sleep with you, and he's talking to you to determine exactly how much he has to invest to get what he wants.

When I say, invest, I'm not talking solely about monetary values; I'm talking about your values your requirements. He's trying to see if your price is too high, if it's affordable, if he can get it on credit, whether he can get it tonight. If you don't lay out any requirements, then you're free game on. He knows he can get you to the bed with minimal effort. But if you tell him up front you have requirements that you need his time, his respect, his attention then he knows you're expensive, that he's going to need to put in work to get the cookie. For some men, that cost may be too high they're just looking for a good time and have no interest in investing time and respect and a commitment. One man may assess right away, Man, I got to go by there two or three times a week, gas is.ve dollars a gallon, I got this other woman I'm hollering at, I'm going to have to call her and all of that. No, that price is out of my range. For another man, your sticker price may be affordable.

This is useful information to you because now you know when a man approaches you, you can cut through the riffraff, lay down your requirements (which I'll talk about later), and determine right away whether he's willing to pay for what it is he's looking for. Okay, so ladies: it's no secret now and you can act accordingly. When you're not aware that all men have plans, you're not placing requirements on him, and if you're not setting any ground rules, then you're essentially telling him that you're open for his rules. You've established that you don't care how often he calls, when he comes by, how often you all talk, and whether he opens your door; this means that he'll call you when he gets ready, he won't be opening any of your doors, and even though you asked him to be there at seven, he won't show up until eight all because you didn't (a) acknowledge that a man always has a plan and (b) act accordingly.

This is precisely what was on my father-in-law's mind when one of my daughters brought home her alleged boyfriend to the house for a family dinner. You should know that my fatherin-law is one of the smartest men I ever met in my life he's a man I look up to, and I look up to very few men. The things that come out of his mouth are usually, if not always, on point and make me think. The same was true this particular evening when he lined up this boy on the living room couch and asked him plain as day, So, what's your plan with my granddaughter?

The young man, about thirty, asked very simply, What do you mean by that?

I mean just what I asked, my father-in-law said. What is your plan?

I don't have no plan, he said.

Then what are you doing? my father-in-law asked.

I'm just trying to get to know her, he insisted.

But what's your plan? Where is this going? my father-inlaw snapped back.

Finally, under the pressure of the questioning, the squared shoulders, and two straight-faced black men making it clear we know the game, the boy.nally broke down and said those four fateful words: We're just kicking it.

My father-in-law sat there and stared at him for a minute, satis.ed,.nally, that he'd gotten to the bottom of it. He tasted blood. Okay, then cool, my father-in-law said quietly. Let's share that with her, that you're just 'kicking it.' Let's see how she feels being the kicked one. Let's take that back to her.

She looked so crazy when, a few minutes later, we let her know about her man's plans that they're just kicking it. Because she knows from our constant talks and updates and sessions about men that when it comes to relationships, you're either being kicked or you're potential long-term material. It can't be both. Clearly, he had a plan that was different from what she wanted.

Luckily my daughter had her granddad and me to help her decipher her man's plan. But not every woman has a father.gure around to hip her to the game. Now, when that man comes smiling all up in your face and talking like he's really into you, act like you know. Because now, you do: he wants to sleep with you.

What's your price?

If you let him know up front, he will let you know up front if it's too high a price for him to pay. And then you can move on.

6

Anyone who really knows me knows about my passion for.shing. I've always loved the tranquil moments that come with the sport sitting on the bank or the deck of a boat, out on the open water. There is no greater peace. But I also crave the sudden explosion of adrenaline that comes when I feel a.sh on the other end of my line; you can't imagine the thrill that comes when I have to use every bit of my might and mind to see if I can keep this.sh hooked, reel it in, and get it in the boat.

And then comes the hard part deciding whether to keep the.sh or throw it back. So in addition to.shing, hooking them, and reeling them in, I get another rush when I'm forced to look at them, see how they feel, and evaluate whether they make it on my stringer. And trust me: a.sh has to be really special to make it onto my stringer. Otherwise, it gets tossed back into the water, so I can.sh some more.

A man.shes for two reasons: he's either sport.shing or.shing to eat, which means he's either going to try to catch the biggest.sh he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he's going to take that.sh on home, scale it,.llet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I think, is a great analogy for how men seek out women.

See, men are, by nature, hunters, and women have been put in the position of being the prey. Think about it: it used to be that a man picked a wife, a man asked a woman to dinner, a man had to get permission from a woman's father to have her hand in marriage, and even, in some cases, to date her. We pursued in fact, we've been taught all our lives that it was not only a good thing to chase women, but natural. Women have bought into this for years, too; how many times have you or one of your girls said, I like it when a man pursues me, or I need him to romance me and give me.owers and make me feel like I'm wanted? Flowers, jewelry, phone calls, dates, sweet talk these are all the weapons in our hunting arsenal when we're coming for you.

But the question always remains: once we hook you, what will we do with you? Taking a cue from my love of.shing, my philosophy is that men will treat women like one of these two things: a sports.sh or a keeper. How we meet, how the conversation goes, how the relationship develops, and the demands you make on a man will all determine whether you'll be treated like a sports.sh a throwback or a keeper, the kind of woman a man can envision settling down with. And the way we separate the two is very simple, as I explain next.

Doesn't have any rules, requirements, respect for herself, or guidelines, and we men can pick up her scent a mile away. She's the party girl who takes a sip of her Long Island iced tea or a shot of her Patr=n, then announces to her suitor that she just wants to date and see how it goes, and she's the conservatively dressed woman at the of.ce who is a master at networking, but clueless about how to approach men. She has no plans for any ongoing relationships, is not expecting anything in particular from a man, and sets absolutely not nary one condition or restriction on anyone standing before her she makes it very clear that she's just along for whatever is getting ready to happen. For sure, as soon as she lets a man know through words and action that he can treat her just any old kind of way, he will do just that. Men will stand in line to sign up for that, believe me.

Never gives in easily, and the standards/requirements start the moment you open your mouth. See, she understands her power and wields it like a samurai sword. She commands not demands respect, just by the way she carries herself. You can walk up to her and give her your best game, and while she may be impressed by what you say, that's no guarantee that she's going to let the conversation go any further, much less give you her phone number and agree to give you some of her valuable time. Men automatically know from the moment she opens her mouth that if they want her, they'll have to get in line with her standards and requirements, or keep it moving because she's done with the games and isn't interested in playing. But she will also send all the signals that she is capable of being loyal to a man and taking good care of him, appreciative of what he's bringing to the relationship, and ready for love true, longlasting love.

News.ash: it's not the guy who determines whether you're a sports.sh or a keeper it's you. (Don't hate the player, hate the game.) When a man approaches you, you're the one with total control over the situation whether he can talk to you, buy you a drink, dance with you, get your number, take you home, see you again, all of that. We certainly want these things from you; that's why we talked to you in the.rst place. But it's you who decides if you're going to give us any of the things we want, and how, exactly, we're going to get them. Where you stand in our eyes is dictated by your control over the situation. Every word you say, every move you make, every signal you give to a man will help him determine whether he should try to play you, be straight with you, or move on to the next woman to do a little more sport.shing. I like to think that the way you play this situation is much like how you climb the ladder at work. Think about it: dating is a lot like a business; the best way to become successful is to master and control things you have control over. When I.rst started in show business, I knew I wanted to be a top-.ight comedian. But because the club owners didn't know me well, all I could get was a gig as the opening act the.rst guy up,.fteen minutes to do my thing, and then off the stage I went. Still, I knew that if I was on my game showed up on time, networked, and, most important, gave thought-provoking, funny performances that made the audiences and the club owners remember me I could get the ultimate job as the headliner, the comedian who gets his name on the marquee and forty-.ve minutes to make people scream with laughter. I controlled my.fteen minutes by making people laugh hard enough to remember me, and then parlayed it into gigs as the featured comedian, the performer who gets thirty minutes on the stage. And then I did the same thing with my thirty minutes onstage, making people laugh so hard that club owners didn't have any other choice but to make me the featured act.

See? My success in getting to be one of the Kings of Comedy was based on my desire and ability to control my product my performance which ultimately made me exactly who I wanted to be. And doing that got me exactly what I wanted success. The same applies to a woman who wants to be a keeper rather than a sports.sh. You control what you can control your image, the way you conduct yourself, the way you let men talk to and approach you and use that to get the relationship you want.

Let me bring it home for you: imagine you're in the health club, and you're on the stair climber, in your tight red athletic bra and matching form-.tting spandex gym pants, glistening and dewy with sweat, getting your workout on, looking really.t and sexy. A good-looking guy comes in he's handsome,.t, no rings on his.ngers. And when he walks up to the treadmill next to where you're working out, the chemistry between the two of you is electric; he smiles, you smile back; you move to another machine, he moves to one not too far from you; he glances at you, you glance back. And when the two of you are.nished working out, he goes all out comes up to you and breaks the ice.

Looked like you had a good workout, he might say, looking you in your eyes, and then letting his gaze linger somewhere around your hips. A woman who takes good care of herself. Nice.

How you respond the way you control this exchange will mean all the difference between whether he considers you a throwback or a keeper. Say something akin to You know, a girl's gotta look hot, and then twirl around so he can get a better view, and that man is going to do a mental calculation of just how fast he can get you into the bed, and whether he can suddenly switch his workout time so he doesn't have to see you again after he hits it. A man will determine just from those seven words and that tiny action that you're a woman who can be easily had someone who's out for a good time and is getting herself in shape solely to keep her body looking right so that guys can look at it and really enjoy it. I assure you, the next few sentences out of his mouth likely will involve some serious attempts to reel you in, and, if you bite, he'll get you hook, line, and sinker. And then he'll keep it moving.

But respond to him by saying something like Thanks, my health is important to me and working out is a great way to keep in shape, and he knows that he's going to have to dig a little deeper to.nd out more about you. This is no guarantee that he will think you're a keeper you'll have to do a bit more talking than that simple line but at the very least, he won't immediately peg you as a throwback. Your comments may lead him to talk about why he works out, which could lead to a meaningful conversation about a mutual interest you both have for staying in shape. And that could lead to him asking more questions, for which a keeper will have plenty of answers laced, of course, with enough requirements to let this man know that you're a keeper, someone who is looking for a man who will stick around.

Now, revealing that you're a keeper is no guarantee that this guy won't just walk away. Some men really are just sport.shing and have no intention of doing anything more than throwing back the women they bed. If this is the case with this man, then let him walk what do you care? He's not the guy you're looking for. I know that you and your girls have been told for years on end that you just don't pass up any opportunities when a man walks your way he could be The One. But I'm here to tell you that this philosophy is just plain dumb. Women are smart you all can tell when your friends are lying, you know when your kids are up to no good, co-workers can't get anything past you at the job. You're quick to let each one of them know that you're not stupid, that you see them coming a mile away, and you're not going to let them play that game with you. But when it comes to your relationships with the opposite sex, all of that goes out the window; you relinquish your power and lose all control over the situation cede it to any old man who looks at you twice. Just because he happened to look at you twice.

All I'm telling you to do is be smart about it. Know that if this man isn't looking for a serious relationship, you're not going to change his mind just because you two are going out on dates and being intimate. You could be the most perfect woman on the Lord's green earth you're capable of interesting conversation, you cook a mean breakfast, you hand out backrubs like sandwiches, you're independent (which means, to him, that you're not going to be in his pockets) but if he's not ready for a serious relationship, he's going to treat you like a sports.sh. A perfect example of this is in this Strawberry Letter these are letters the Steve Harvey Morning Show receives from its listeners sent in by a woman who clearly was just starting to realize she was nothing more than a plaything:

I have been seeing this man for six months and everything seemed cool until January of this year. We've gone out and visited each other's homes, but all of a sudden, he's stopped calling and when I call him, he seems excited, but then he is very short with me. He plans trips and cancels them. And when I ask him if we should cut off all communication, he says no. But he doesn't act like he wants to be bothered. I don't know what happened, and I still like him, but it just bothers me to know that something could be on his mind that he is not sharing with me or maybe he has found a woman and wants to keep me in his back pocket.

He's sport.shing, and in her heart, she knows this. But she's still trying to hang in there and see if he's going to do right by her. Any woman in this situation should just leave that guy alone. Instead of investing all this time and energy in a man who can't and won't live up to your expectations, let that guy walk. And then when the next man comes along, take control and let him know your ground rules up front (see my chapter Men Respect Standards Get Some): I don't take phone calls after 10 P. M., because my kids are asleep and I'm getting my rest; I appreciate a man who shows up when he says he's going to show up and calls when he's going to be late; and I don't have sex with anyone until I'm sure that we are in a serious, committed relationship no casual sex for me are all acceptable ground rules for any man coming at you. If those ground rules are too much for him, he's going to walk away because he's sport.shing.

If, however, he has something going for himself, and he knows that in order to complete his life he needs a woman who has something going for herself, he's going to stick around and keep the conversation going. That's the man who is willing to put in work who knows that he's not going to just romance you, get what he wants, and walk away. That guy right there? He's your man. He's.shing for a keeper, and after he's proven himself worthy of your time, then you can let him take you on home,.llet you, put some cornmeal on you, fry you up, and serve you up on a delicious plate.

Need more examples of differences between sports.sh and keepers? Read on:

A woman who commands respect is a keeper; a woman who lets men get away with disrespecting her is a throwback.

A woman who is dressed appropriately has her goodies reasonably covered, but is still sexy, is a keeper; a woman who is scantily clad and dripping sex is a throwback.

A woman who won't let you feel all over her body while you're dancing is a keeper; a woman who drops it like it's hot and puts on a dance.oor performance that would make video vixen Karrine Steffans blush is a throwback.

A woman who takes a man's number but doesn't give him her own is a keeper; a woman who hands out her home, work, and cell phone numbers and e-mail and home addresses to a man who's done nothing more than buy her a drink and ask how he can reach her is a throwback.

A woman who can hold a respectful, respectable conversation with a man and his mother is a keeper; a woman who shudders at the prospect of having to talk to the matriarch of a man's family is a throwback.

A woman who can adapt to any situation thrown at her she can hold her own at the PTA meeting, in the boardroom, in a restaurant, at a sporting event is a keeper; a woman who can't put together a coherent sentence or makes it clear she has no interest in doing so is a throwback.

A woman who knows she wants to be married and raise a family and lets a man know this up front is a keeper; a woman who doesn't have a plan for her relationship life beyond next weekend is a throwback.

A woman whom we can introduce to our friends and family is a keeper; a woman we don't even bother introducing to our friends or family is a throwback.

A woman who smiles and takes care of herself and is generally happy with her life is a keeper; a woman who doesn't take care of herself and is sour all the time, has an attitude wider than all the ocean, and doesn't hesitate to lay somebody out for the slightest transgression is a throwback.

A woman who shows her appreciation for all that you do for her is a keeper; a woman who acts like nothing you do can make her happy is a throwback.

A woman who is loyal is a keeper; a woman who always has her eye out for the next best thing is a throwback.

A woman who understands that a man validates his manhood by who he is, what he does, and how much he makes, and who knows how to.nesse her relationship so that her man feels like he's handling his business is a keeper; a woman who wields her paycheck and in.uence like a sword and belittles his career and.nancial contributions is a throwback.

If his conversation with you is extremely super.cial, and never seems to graduate beyond the surface, he's sport.shing; if he genuinely seems interested in your needs, life, desires, and future, then he's looking for a keeper.

If he laughs off your requirements and standards, then he's sport.shing; if he seems willing to abide by your rules, and actually follows through on them, then he's looking for a keeper.

If he takes your phone number but waits longer than twenty-four hours to call, he's sport.shing; if he calls you right away, he's showing that he's genuinely interested in you, and is most likely looking for a keeper.

If he takes you out on a date and lets you pay, or only kicks in his portion of the bill, he's sport.shing; if he pays the bill, he's showing that he's willing to provide for you, which means he's likely looking for a keeper.

If he tells you he's going to be somewhere at a certain time, and he consistently shows up late without so much as the courtesy of a phone call, he's probably sport.shing; if he shows up when he's supposed to, he's looking for a keeper.

If you never meet his friends, family, co-workers, or other people who are important to him, he's sport.shing; if he introduces you to his people, he might be looking for a keeper.

If he keeps offering up excuses for why he can't meet your friends and family, he's sport.shing; if he agrees to go to the family barbecue or a social event where he will be introduced to family, friends, and co-workers, he might consider you a keeper.

If he cringes at the mere mention of children, he's sport.shing; if he's willing to meet your kids and shows up with gifts and can relate to them in a way that makes them comfortable with him, then he might consider you and your kids keepers.

If he does not have himself together.nancially, emotionally, and spiritually, he may be sport.shing; if he is capable of providing and protecting his potential family the way a real man should, then he might be searching for a keeper.

If he lobbies for an open relationship and says he's cool with you seeing other people, then he's sport.shing; if he wants your relationship to be exclusive and he agrees to date only you, he considers you a keeper.

7

Every day on the Steve Harvey Morning Show, my cohost Shirley and I have a really popular segment called Strawberry Letter 23, during which we invite our listeners to let us help them solve their problems. We get all kinds of e-mails and letters from people desperate for advice on how to handle wild kids, overly demanding bosses, cheating boyfriends, out-of-control baby's mommas, money-grubbing family members, horrible friendships you name it, we hear about it. Some of the questions are extremely sad, some of them are so surprising they make you want to clutch your chest, and some of them just make you shake your head and wonder how the person asking for advice made it through. The people who write those letters aren't doing it in a vacuum; for every problem addressed in Strawberry Letter 23, there are thousands of listeners out there dealing with the same drama in their own lives. We give our opinions on the situation, and some sound suggestions for how they can get out of the mess they're in with the hope that the advice we're passing on helps not only the person who wrote us, but the legions of fans also looking for answers.

A lot of the Strawberry Letters touch me, but one that stood out to me recently was from a woman who wrote an attention getter in the subject line: Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? She went on to say that she's a thirty-.ve-year-old woman who is married to a thirty-year-old man she'd dated for ten years before they got married about six months ago. She claimed that although their relationship is great, his controlling mother is driving her crazy. Here's some of what she wrote:

She controls my husband like he is a little child. She calls on him to do everything. She calls my house late at night and I can hear her through the phone, screaming at him about something that she may not have agreed on. She calls on him for money, to paint her house, to pick her up from the movies, to cook for special occasions, and even wash her clothes. What prompted me to write this letter is the fact that it is now 10:42 P. M., and I am home alone because my husband was just called by his mother to come to her house to help bake cakes for a fund-raiser tomorrow. I had plans to spend time with my husband tonight, but once again, his mother got in the way. Don't get me wrong: I love the fact that he respects and helps his mother, but sometimes I feel left out. My kids and I are often put on the back burner because he is always doing something for his mother. All these years I have kept my thoughts about this to myself, but I don't know how much more I can take… his mother is always taking away from our family. I sometimes feel like I didn't marry a man… I need him to be a man and take control.

Now I sympathize for Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? I hear from all too many women who face the same problem: their men are excessively attached to their mothers at an age where you expect the sons to be totally independent it's a bond that allows the mothers of these men to exert all kinds of control over their lives, usually to the detriment of romantic relationships. The mother says, Jump, the son asks, How high and when do you need me to be back? and the girlfriend/wife rolls her eyes and sits in the corner with her mouth poked out, wondering (a) why this grown man just can't.x his mouth to say no every once in a while, (b) why this woman holds so much power over her man, and (c) what kind of tool can she buy/ rent/borrow/invent to detach the two of them so that she and her man can get back to the business of building a life together. No matter what they say, no matter what they do, no matter how many different ways they slice it, women like Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? feel like they just can't compete with The Other Woman the mother. Those same women will toss up more motives than a DA to explain why their man proudly answers to the mama's boy title: his mother refuses to cut the umbilical cord and let him be a man; his mother doesn't think there's a woman alive good enough for him; his mother has something against his signi.cant other; he doesn't want to grow up; he jumps through hoops for his mother because she spoils him rotten and takes care of his every need. We've heard them all.

To Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? and all the other women in relationships with mama's boys, I say: stop coming up with excuses, and recognize that he's a mama's boy because you let him be one.

Yes, I said it: It's. Your. Fault.

Let me tell you why a man will get up out of a warm bed with a beautiful naked woman in it, pull on his clothes, grab his keys, and get in his car at 10:42 P. M., with his children and woman in the house alone, to drive all the way across town to bake cakes doggone near the middle of the night for his mother's bake sale: because his mother has set requirements and standards for that man, and his woman has not.

Look, I already told you how this works: a man who loves you will be the man you need him to be if you have requirements standards you set to make the relationship work the way you want it to. A real man is happy and eager to live by your rules, as long as he knows what the rules are and he's sure that abiding by those rules will help keep the woman he loves happy. The only thing you have to do is establish the rules, say them out loud early in the relationship, and make sure he sticks to them.

But if you don't have any standards or requirements, guess whose rules he's going to follow? That's right, his mother's. She was the.rst woman to tell him what she would and would not accept; if she told him to wash his hands before he sat at the dinner table, be back in the house before the streetlights came on, go to Sunday school on Sundays, protect his sister when the two of them were out, and always always listen to and trust his mother, guess what this boy was going to do? He was going to follow those rules to the letter (mostly), because he did not want to deal with the consequences that came if he didn't listen to and respect his mother. He also followed those rules because he loved his mother, and her rules (mostly) never changed; oh, they adapted to his age and circumstances, but a mother always keeps some rules front and center for the men in her life, no matter her son's station in life, including respecting her, loving her unconditionally, and protecting and providing for the woman who gave him life. She never relinquishes those standards and requirements, and her son, if he's a responsible, thoughtful, loving son, doesn't really ever break away from them.

Until, that is, he.nds a woman he loves and who loves him back and has sense enough to set some ground rules and requirements for the relationship, chief among them the following:

You need to respect me.

You must put me and our kids after God and above all others.

Be clear to everyone involved in our lives that they will respect your relationship and me.

Now, if you've never set those rules up, and his mother's never relinquished hers, is it a wonder that he's going to leave you in the bed naked while he goes to bake cakes? It's not that she has a hold on this man; it's that you never bothered to take the reins. Think about what Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? said: she's been in a relationship with her husband for ten and a half years, and not once did she step forward and express her displeasure when her man's mother called the house to put him to work. All these years I have kept my thoughts about this to myself… she wrote. So if she never told her man she doesn't like it when he leaves her and the kids to run over to his mother's house, and she doesn't like it when he allows his mother to yell at him like a child, and she doesn't want him cooking, painting, driving, and doing laundry for his mother when she needs him to do things around their house, how, exactly, was he supposed to know that his interactions with his mother violate his wife's standards? Men cannot read minds, and we are completely incapable of anticipating what you want.

So you have to speak up.

She didn't say it in the letter, but my guess is that Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? failed to speak up about her motherin-law's abuse of power for over a decade because she was afraid that he would leave her that if she tried to drive a wedge between her man and his mom, he'd choose his mother over her. I'll tell you, though, that men don't work this way; if your man truly loves you and he's a real man, he'll.gure out a way to get his mom onboard with making his woman happy to smooth everything out so that the relationship can work for all parties involved.

First, acknowledge that you can't compete with this woman: she changed his diapers, she can cook his favorite dish exactly the way he likes it, she knows most of if not all of his friends, and she's known him longer than anybody. Her blood courses through his veins. If he loves his mother and they have a good relationship, you're not going to get in the middle of that. (And honestly, you'll realize it's much better to be in a relationship with a man who loves his mother than it is to be with someone who can't stand the woman who gave birth to him; I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the latter probably won't ever be able to commit to a loving, stable relationship with a woman if he couldn't get that single most important, obvious, easy male/female relationship right, but the guy who loves his mother and treats her with respect is the guy who will know how to act with you.) But you most certainly can work with your man and his mom by controlling what you do have control over by using your powers to set standards and requirements that he needs to abide by as the two of you work to create a family or to blend your families together. Instead of writing an angry Strawberry Letter in the middle of the night when her man tiptoed out of the house to help his mom, Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? should have stopped her husband at the bedroom door and told him something like, Look, I know you love your mother and you'd do anything for her, but it's not acceptable to me for you to leave me and these babies here in this house alone to bake cookies. If you choose to go over there, then you need to stay over there for the night.

This would not have been evil or unreasonable. Leaving a woman and children in the house at a quarter to eleven at night whether to bake cookies or go to the strip club is unacceptable if that woman thinks it is. And if she lets her man know this, she's making him aware of the standards he needs to live up to in order to stay in their relationship. Once it's said, the ball is in his court. He can either go bake cookies, or he can be a man and call his mother and set it straight tell her he can't come by tonight, but he can drop off some store-bought baked goods in the morning before he leaves for work. His mother may not be happy about this, but what would you care? Again, you can't control how she feels about her son's actions, and you can't control her son's actions, but you can control how you feel and what you expect of your man.

Now, Did I Marry a Man or a Boy? waited almost eleven years to have her say, but if you're just now getting into a relationship with a man, you're going to have to get this thing out on the table. Tell him that you don't ever want to come between him and his mother, but you sure don't want to compete with her, either, so he'll have to do what he has to do to let his mother know that (a) under no certain terms are the needs of his girlfriend/.ancTe/wife ever going to come second, and

(b) she should respect his need to be a protector and provider for the woman to whom he's professed his love. Don't worry, he understands his need to do this; no real man anywhere needs his mother more than he needs his woman. He recognizes pretty early on that the support he gets from his mother clothes, housing, education, nurturing, and so on needs to come to an end when manhood is full throttle, and that if he is to have a true, loving, lasting relationship with a woman, he needs to cut the proverbial umbilical cord from his mom so that he can give life to his new family his own family.

All you have to do is speak up.

Tell him straight up: I need you here to protect and provide for us, to give us security in our lives, to help raise these children, to set an example for this boy, who needs to see what real men do, and for this girl, who needs to know what a real man is so she can.nd one of her own someday. I need you to be the head of this family.

Lay it out like this, and your requirements will trump his mother's every time.

8

From the male perspective, the answers to the question Why do men cheat? are crystal clear. Not so much for women. No matter how good or sensible the reasons are, men know that women will never hear one and say, Oh! Now I get it! There are neither words big enough nor experts with enough credentials and letters behind their name to slice it and dice it up in a way that's palatable for most women; inevitably, responses to this million-dollar question are always going to sound like ten-dollar answers. And who could argue with that? For (most) women, after all, cheating is unthinkable and (at.rst blush) unforgivable you don't and can't comprehend why a man would be unfaithful, and you won't ever pretend to. You.gure that if you've told him you love him; given him your mind, your body, and your time; moved in with him; shared the bills with him; done his laundry; cooked his food; borne his children; and said an enthusiastic, I do, in front of the Lord, the pastor, your mother, and all her best friends and yours, too, the least your man can do is honor what is most sacred to you: the promise of.delity. He can lie (every once in a while), fall down on the housework and the child rearing, get a little lax in the income department, pay more attention to his boys and his mother than he does to you, and slip into the mediocre category when it comes to the boudoir even say the Lord's name in vain while you're walking out the door to go to yet another church service alone.

But let a man step out on his woman, and watch the earth move.

That's my way of saying that women will put up with a lot of things.

Cheating is not one of them.

Now, we men? We understand this. We know what it takes to tip, we're capable of calculating the collateral damage that comes with getting caught, and we know that getting back into the graces of the woman we cheated on and her mother, and her friends, and anyone else who's sympathized with her having to resurrect herself from such a devastating life event will require a Herculean effort.

Still, we do it.

Why?

I am not here to justify a cheating man's actions. Rather, this is my humble attempt to explain to you why a man might go on ahead and get a little something on the side, and what you can do to cut down the chances that your man will do this to you. So let's just go on ahead and get right to it. Men cheat because…

Dress it up any way you want to, but men don't view sex the way you women do, plain and simple. For a lot of you, the act of intercourse is emotional an act of love. That's understandable, considering the sheer physics of the act; you have to lie back and allow a foreign object to enter your body. You've been taught all your life that you only let that kind of deeply intimate moment happen with someone who really means something to you.

By contrast, when it comes to men and sex, neither emotions nor meaning necessarily enter the equation. It's easy very easy for a man to have sex, go home, wash it off with soap and water, and act like what he just did never happened. Sex can be a purely physical act for us love has absolutely nothing to do with it. Consider this Strawberry Letter from a woman who called herself Concerned:

During a conversation with my husband of 20 years, I asked him if he would honestly always be satis.ed with having sex with me only. He hesitated for so long before answering that I just knew he was going to say no. He then went on to explain that he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me, but if I gave him permission to have sex with other women and not form relationships with them, he would. He said that as he's gotten older, he's been wondering if he is still attractive and sexually appealing, and that attention from another younger woman would boost his ego. Then he asked me if I would be willing to give him permission to have sex with other women if he promised to let them know up front that it's only sex he's interested in and he's not interested in a relationship. He even offered to answer any questions I'd have with his encounters, or, if I didn't want to know about it, to just do it and not tell me what and when it happened. Obviously, he's got a problem with monogamy. Should I consent so that a potential for sneaking around can be eliminated? What can I do to get him to change his thinking if anything?

The answer to that last question in the Strawberry Letter is, not much. A man can love his wife, his children, his home, and the life that they've all built together, and have an incredible physical connection to her, and still get some from another woman without a second thought about it, because the actual act with the other woman meant nothing to him. It was something that may have made him feel good physically, but emotionally, his heart the professing, providing, and protecting he saves for the woman he loves may be at home with his woman.

Now.lter that bit of information through the lens of, say, a high-powered man who has a wife whose job is equally prestigious and demanding. I don't profess to know what goes on behind closed doors in that kind of household, but by all public accounts, that couple could be perfectly happy, in love, supportive down for each other. Still, her job could take her overseas, leaving her man at home to run the household, take care of the kids, and keep up his demanding work schedule for weeks on end, without so much as a hot-and-heavy phone conversation to help him make it through the enormous time period he'd have to go without having sex. Trust me when I say this: under this situation, plenty of men would easily justify their getting some from somewhere else. Neither he, nor any other man, for that matter, is going to go without sex too long. It's not that he doesn't love his wife. But he's there, coming home exhausted from a hard day's work, cooking dinner, shuttling the kids around to all their after-school functions, and checking homework. He's stressed out, and plenty of us men can hear what he may have worked out in his mind: I'm going to go over here and let this other woman tighten me up, and then I'll come back and cook, shuttle, and work until the woman I love comes back to me.

This may seem like a cold piece of work to you, but to a man, it's reasonable. He's got to try to feel better some kind of way, and so he's going to get sex from someone if he can't get it from you. You see it as betrayal. Men see it as just a way to get tightened up, especially if…

Of course, men will consider the risks of getting caught cheating on his lady. But mostly, men initiate affairs pretty con.dent that they're going to get away with it, and most certainly with all kinds of con.dence that if they get caught, their denials will see them through. I used to do a joke where I would encourage men to ride their lie all the way out. I told them, I don't care if somebody got a picture of my butt up in the air in the pump position with my social security number stamped on the left-hand side of my cheek, I'm going to tell my wife, 'It ain't me I don't know who that is with my social security number all over his butt, with the same shoes as me, but that's not me!'

Now, that's my joke, but most men don't consider getting caught a laughing matter. A man who cheats has most certainly calculated the collateral damage that would come from getting busted potential loss of the woman he loves, his children, his home, and his peace of mind and he recognizes that this would be a devastating blow to all the things that matter in his life. We all are quite familiar with the saying Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and men understand its meaning much better than you do; we know the hell is coming and there will be plenty of scorn if we get busted.

Still, men don't really ever think they're going to get caught. Basically, we think we're slick and we go to great lengths to hide our in.delity from you, always with this in mind: if you don't know about it, it can't hurt you. We're pretty con.dent that your willingness to be in a relationship with us supersedes all the things we do that look suspicious, because we know you'll work through the suspicion that it's more important to you to be with us in our imperfection than to leave us and be alone. At least that's what we're hoping. And in the beginning, mostly, you will. But the moment your suspicions turn into a Law & Orderutype investigation, we're going to lie and deny.

That's if we care about you.

But if not if a man doesn't see you.tting into his life plan he won't even bother with all of the covering up and the chitchat after he gets found out. He'll simply tell you that he was sleeping with someone else because…

You may think this is a cop-out, but it is the reality. It goes back to the way men judge themselves against each other: I told you in the introduction and have reiterated elsewhere in the book that we are de.ned by who we are, what we do, and how much we make. And if we haven't gotten to where we want and need to be, then we're not going to be ready to.gure out how settling down with one woman.ts into our plans for becoming a truly independent, mature, well-off man. I mean, how many times have you seen or been in a relationship where the man says over and over again, When I get my money right, I'll think about commitment, or, I just need to get that promotion.rst, then I'll settle down. That guy is still trying to complete himself, and while he's working toward that, he's not organizing his life to include a committed relationship. He tells himself he simply doesn't have time for it it's simply not a priority for him. And so creep he will.

The same can be true, even, of a man who is married with children. The man who is mature and has.gured out who he is and is happy with what he does and how much he makes probably has his life ordered up correctly; he's become the man he envisioned himself being and has put his priorities in this order: God, family, education, business, and then everything else. But if family isn't second, it's about to be a problem; he's going to dedicate himself to whatever his priorities are, in the order in which he's put them. Even if he's already said, I do, and held his babies in his arms and done everything a man's supposed to do to protect and provide for them, if he's decided that it's more important to him to ful.ll that hunting jones, then that's going to be the priority for him he's not going to sync up with your demand that he be faithful. He's not going to rub it in your face, and he's going to do everything he can to preserve what he has with you, but he's still going to have a little something on the side. Really, it's got nothing to do with you.

I have a friend who's successful, has plenty of money, a beautiful family the ideal life. And one evening while we were sitting around with a few of our friends shooting the breeze about how satis.ed we are with our stations in life, my boy announced with a slick grin, I love my wife, man, but I got this cold one on the side. We were surprised don't get me wrong. But we accepted that from him because we all know that this man hasn't got his priorities right yet, and there's nothing we can do or say to make him do it. He knows that once he's stepped out on his wife, he's putting something else before God and family. But only he can put his house in order. Now, if he's young, that might come with mental maturity; the old-timers say all the time that experience is priceless too bad you have to pay for it with your youth. Of course, maturity and age go hand in hand, but circumstances bring it about, too: if a man is a spiritual person and he's got a relationship with God, he'll mature much more quickly, just because his beliefs will hold him to a much more stringent moral code. And that moral code will automatically make him put family second, because this is what a relationship with God demands. Now, he'll make it a priority to.nd a woman who completes his life, someone who can be the mother of his children who can make his unit complete.

Sometimes men wise up without God in their lives. I have a buddy who had all kinds of women doing all kinds of things to him and for him, and he.nally got into a position where he said, Man, I got all these women and I can get them to do all these things and give me all these things, but I'm not happy. I don't have any peace and I just don't feel like I have my life together. And right then and there, he made the decision to stop treating women the way he'd been treating them and get what he was.nally yearning for: a family. His philandering stopped cold. He's not saved. He didn't have some big revelation with God, he didn't get called to the ministry. He just decided he needed to do something different to.nd the joy in his life, and the only way he could.nd that was with someone, and only one someone, special.

When a man.nds that joy the chances of his cheating get really slim. Unless…

That's right, I said it: it could have something to do with you. Your man may be walking around telling himself that your relationship just doesn't have that spark anymore, that you don't turn him on like you used to that you don't come on to him like you did when the two of you.rst fell in love. You know how it goes: the two of you get comfortable with each other, settle in, have some babies, buy a house, and then get bogged down in the bills and raising the kids and going to work and keeping up with the rat race that comes when you're a family trying to make it. The next thing he knows, the woman who used to wear and do little things to keep it hot and spicy isn't interested in doing that little thing she did when the two of them.rst got together. In fact, the sex has become uninspired; she's coming in from work, where she was dressed up in her nice skirt and heels and makeup and such, and she's breaking down before she can get to the door good. And now, after a long day at work, and even more work when she gets home, she's coming to bed in a head scarf and a T-shirt and is this close to hiring a.ring squad to take you out for even looking at her with those bedroom eyes.

In other words, what's back at the house has become hohum routine. And this man is missing the spark that used to be there. You've changed. (He knows he's changed, too, but we're not talking about him, we're talking about you.) Perhaps that comes, too, with a feeling that you don't appreciate him like you used to. The thank-yous come less frequently, there's a lot of arguing going on turmoil seems to get up with you in the morning and cuddle up with the two of you at night. And your home just isn't feeling like what he signed up for. And if he can't get what he signed up for back at the house, he's more likely to go out and.nd it somewhere else, because guess what? He knows he can always go.nd it somewhere else, particularly since…

That's the truth that no woman wants to face. Imagine if every woman said, You're married I can't do that with you. Man, do you know how many marriages and relationships would still exist today? Men can cheat because there are so many women willing to give themselves to a man who doesn't belong to them. Sure, every now and again there are women who get fooled and don't know that a man is already spoken for. A majority of the time, however, these women know they're sleeping with a married man. Yes, these are the women who have no standards and requirements and who suffer from serious selfesteem issues, making themselves willing to cheat and available to be cheated on. If those women took themselves out of the cheater's circle, the incidence of cheating would be cut seriously down. And the way to get out of that cheater's circle is to do exactly what I'm teaching you to do in this book:.gure out your standards and requirements, explain them, and stick to them (Chapter 9), get to really know the man by asking.ve essential questions you'll need to know to move a relationship forward (see Chapter 10), and follow the Ninety-Day Rule (see Chapter 11). And then teach all of this to your daughters, too. If we don't, after all, break that cycle, the cheating will continue.

So, ladies, the reasons I've given here are the primary reasons men cheat, but trust me, there are many, many more. A man is always going to have a reason to justify why he's doing wrong, and those reasons will change from man to man and woman to woman. What's important for you to understand, though, is that regardless of a man's reasons, he knows what you know: it's wrong to commit to someone and promise to remain faithful and then go against that especially if this was one of your mate's requirements. Women can go over it again and again in their minds,.nding all kinds of de.ciencies in themselves I didn't do this right, I wasn't good enough, I didn't love him the way I should, she came in here and outperformed me but the fact still remains that he didn't have any business cheating. So women need to release themselves from the blame of a cheating man's actions just do that for yourselves. Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyzing; it can cripple you and keep you from performing in your next encounter. You simply cannot drive forward if you're focused on what's happening in the rearview mirror.

You can, however, limit the amount of times you're cheated on again. You do that by upping the ante on your requirements. See, you have a lot more power to limit the things that happen to you you've got the power of persuasion, your power of intuition, your power of suggestion, standards to help keep you protected. If you let a man know up front that you'll tolerate a lot of things but cheating is not one of them, then he's really clear on the fact that if he steps out of the union, he stays out of the union. And if he breaks that promise and steps out anyway? You've got to be prepared to let him go and walk away. You can't.nd out your man cheated, confront him about it, and then stay with him, only to question his every move and nag him about what he's doing every chance you get. Because that simply means you never really forgave him, and you're creating a situation that's ripe for him to cheat again. You've got to either let him go, or.nd it in your heart to truly forgive the man and work on a way to move forward with him.

Now sometimes, it takes a man to lose something or nearly lose something to really appreciate it. But isn't that true of everybody? Some men cheat because there's never been a penalty for it. But if a man who's cheated on you sees you walking out the door and you matter to him, please know that at this point he's very vulnerable and open to learning. Should he win you back, he's going to straighten up and.y right because he's almost lost his girl and his family, which means he'll do most anything you tell him to get back into your good graces. He's going to work to earn your trust back follow your requirements to get back on the team. If that means he has to be home by a certain time, call when he's going to be late, send.owers every week,.nd a sitter so you all can have a date night on Thursdays, go to church with you on Sundays, even sit on a psychologist's couch and air out all of your dirty laundry until you're satis.ed he's a changed man, then that's what he'll do.

Once there's a penalty and he's forced to say to himself, Wow, everything I've ever loved was about to be lost, he may very well come through the.re a better man.

Is that to say it's going to be easy to forgive him and not be suspicious? No. But he may eventually earn your trust back and be willing to work through it with you. He's not going to like being asked questions about where he's been, he's going to hate not being able to be intimate with you while you work through your anger, and he's going to be really reluctant to carry his butt down to the psychologist's of.ce with you. But in his heart of hearts, he knows that's a part of working his way back into your heart. He knows he created this he knows what he did, and he understands the consequences, rami.cations, and repercussions way better than you think he does. We understand penalties, and we know it's going to be straight hell. Trust me, I know. Because it's happened to me. It happens to a lot of men. You can't be a man of power and not step outside your house. I don't know one man of power who has not stepped outside his house. Such a man may exist but I have not met him. But I do know men of power who have learned to do right, go home, and take care of their families. Each one of them eventually gets to that. I certainly have; now, I carry my behind home. I had to come to this, though. And guess what? I know a lot of those same men entertainers, ball players, executives, and so on who have turned into some of the best husbands and fathers in the world, because they've lined up their life responsibilities in the right order: God, family, education, and then business. And their wives? They've become better wives in the process, too by trying to create a little bit of that magic they had when their relationship was fresh and new. She might come home from work and instead of kicking off those heels, keep them on and whisper in his ear to meet her in the bedroom for a predinner snack. Or she might smile a little more, act a little bit more happy, be a tad bit more spontaneous appreciate her man more, and show it, too.

This was certainly the story of one of my really good friends. His wife found out about his woman on the side, and she left him went to her mother's house for seven months and took his son with her. Dude was miserable. I mean, he was losing weight. We would go by to get him and say, Let's go out and have a good time, and he would tell us, Eh, I don't feel like it. We even offered to take him to see the woman he had on the side, in hopes that at least getting some from her would make him feel a little bit better, but he refused her, too. I'm through with that, he insisted. I lost my marriage, my boy is gone the people who mattered most to me are gone. And I want them back.

It took him a year and a half to get this woman back. I don't know what's going on behind their closed doors, but I'll tell you one thing: she's got the ideal husband now. Any married man can look at him and see how to get it done. But two things had to happen to him:.rst, he had to.nd out what was important to him, and what it was like to lose it. And second, he had to come to the realization that he needed to restructure his priorities: God.rst, then family. And you know what? He goes home every night. He's making money, he's extremely happy, and their family has nothing to worry about. And I heard his wife say, My new man is something else.

They've been living in their happily ever after for thirtythree years now. He's a helluva dude, man and she's a lucky lady.