Adultery

THE FIRST thing we do is visit the Roman museum and then climb a small hill to see some ruins. Our children race around, laughing. Now that my husband knows everything, I feel relieved. I don’t need to pretend all the time.

“Let’s go and run round the lake.”

What about the kids?

My husband spots a couple family friends sitting on a nearby bench, eating ice cream with their children. “Should we ask them if our kids can join? We can buy them ice cream, too.”

Our friends are surprised to see us, but agree. Before we go down to the shore of Lake Léman—which all foreigners call Lake Geneva—he buys the ice cream for the children and asks them to stay with our friends while Mommy and Daddy go for a run. My son complains that he hasn’t got his iPad. My husband goes to the car and fetches the stupid thing. From that moment on, the screen will be the best possible nanny. They won’t budge until they’ve killed terrorists in games more suited to adults.

We start running. On one side are gardens; on the other, seagulls and sailboats making the most of the mistral. The wind didn’t stop on the third day, nor on the sixth. It must be nearing its ninth day, when it will disappear and take with it the blue sky and the good weather. We run along the track for fifteen minutes. We’ve left Nyon behind us and had better head back.

I haven’t exercised in ages. When we’ve been running for twenty minutes, I stop. I can’t go on. I’ll have to walk the rest of the way.

“Of course you can do it!” encourages my husband, jogging in place so as not to lose his rhythm. “Don’t stop, keep running.”

I bend forward, resting my hands on my knees. My heart is pounding; it’s the fault of all those sleepless nights. He keeps jogging circles round me.

“Come on, you can do it! It’s worse if you stop. Do it for me, for the kids. This isn’t just a way of getting some exercise, it’s reminding you that there’s a finish line and that you can’t give up halfway through.”

Is he talking about my “compulsive sadness”?

He stops jogging, takes my hands, and gently shakes me. I’m too tired to run, but I’m too tired to resist as well. I do as he asks. We run together for the remaining ten minutes.

I pass billboards for the various Council of States candidates, which I hadn’t noticed before. Among the photos is one of Jacob König, smiling at the camera.

I run more quickly. My husband is surprised and speeds up. We get there in seven minutes instead of ten. The children haven’t moved. Despite the beautiful surroundings—the mountains, the seagulls, the Alps in the distance—they have their eyes glued to the screen of that soul-sucking machine.

My husband goes to them, but I keep running. He watches me, surprised and happy. He must think his words have had an effect and are filling my body with the endorphins that fill our blood whenever we do some physical activity with a slight intensity, like when we run or have an orgasm. The hormones’ main effects are improving our mood, boosting our immune system, and fending off premature aging, but, above all, they provoke a feeling of euphoria and pleasure.

However, that isn’t what the endorphins are doing for me. They’re merely giving me the strength to carry on, to run as far as the horizon and leave everything behind. Why do I have to have such wonderful children? Why did I have to meet my husband and fall in love? If I hadn’t met him, I’d be a free woman now.

I’m mad. I should run straight to the nearest mental hospital, because these are not the kinds of things one should think. But I continue to think them.

I run for a few more minutes, then go back. Halfway, I’m terrified by the possibility that my wish for freedom will come true and I’ll find no one there when I go back to the park in Nyon.

But there they are, smiling at their loving mother and spouse. I embrace them all. I’m sweating, my body and mind dirty, but still I hold them close.

Despite what I feel. Or, rather, despite what I don’t feel.