Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia

The Last Pages

Alcatraz walks onto the stage. He smiles at the audience, looking right into the camera.

“Hello,” he says. “And welcome to the after-book special. I’m your host, Alcatraz Smedry.”

“And I’m Bastille Dartmoor,” Bastille says, joining Alcatraz on the stage.

Alcatraz nods. “We’re here to talk to you about a pernicious evil that is plaguing today’s youth. A terrible, awful habit that is destroying them from the inside out.”

Bastille looks at the camera. “He’s talking, of course, about skipping to the ends of books and reading the last pages first.”

“We call it ‘Last-Paging,’” Alcatraz says. “You may think it doesn’t involve you or your friends, but studies show that there has been a 4,000.024 percent increase in Last-Paging during the past seven minutes alone.”

“That’s right, Alcatraz,” Bastille says. “And did you know that Last-Paging is the largest cause of cancer in domesticated fruit bats?”

“Really?”

“Yes indeed. Also, Last-Paging makes you lose sleep, grow hair in funny places, and can decrease your ability to play Halo by forty-five percent.”

“Wow,” Alcatraz says. “Why would anyone do it?”

“We’re not certain. We only know that it happens, and that this terrible disease isn’t fully understood. Fortunately, we’ve taken actions to combat it.”

“Such as putting terrible after-book specials at the backs of books to make people feel sick?” Alcatraz asks helpfully.

“That’s right,” Bastille says. “Stay away from Last-Paging, kids! Remember, the more you know…”

“… the more you can forget tomorrow!” Alcatraz says. “Good night, folks. And be sure to join us for next week’s after-book special, where we expose the dangers of gerbil snorting!”