ALEX AND I WENT TO an empty room on the town hall’s chilly second floor. As soon as he shut the door behind us, I let out a shaky breath and wrapped my arms around him.
“Whatever this is, can it wait just a few minutes?” I said hoarsely against his leather jacket.
His voice was rough too. “Yeah – that’s an excellent idea.” His arms enfolded me; he dropped his head down to my shoulder. I pressed close, listening to his steady heartbeat under my cheek.
“I still can’t believe this,” I said finally. I drew back and wiped my eyes. “Oh god, Alex, to actually have you back again…” I couldn’t finish; I’d start crying for real.
“I know. It must have been—” Alex broke off as he studied me. “You look different,” he said softly. He stroked his knuckle across my cheekbone. “Your face and your eyes.”
I thought of the grief that had lodged in my throat these past twelve months, making it hard to eat, giving me hollowed-out cheekbones. My reflection in the truck’s rear-view mirror on the way here: my eyes showing a year’s worth of pain.
And Alex’s voice when he’d left: Trust me.
An emotion stirred that I didn’t want to analyze. I pushed it away and tried to smile. “Just another year older, that’s all.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah…I guess that’s it.” He kissed me; I shut my eyes as his warm lips touched mine. Then he sighed and rubbed my arms. “You know, all I want to do is hold you for about the next week, but…”
“I know.” I could sense his apprehension over whatever he had to tell me – and suddenly recalled my premonition that whatever happened in Pawntucket would be especially awful for me. I could have done without remembering that, right then.
There was a metal table with folding chairs; we sat down. Alex took my hand. “See, my dad’s idea was that the energy field in the angels’ world could be used to destroy them,” he said. “Cully thought it was possible, so I had to try it – even though getting there seemed suicidal. That’s why I didn’t tell you. Just imagining the look on your face…”
The look on my face. I thought of this last year again and couldn’t respond.
Alex sat gazing down, playing with my fingers. “Anyway, the blast destroyed the gate, and then I wasn’t able to connect with the energy field anyway – I was just stuck. So I went to Denver to try and find another way back home, and…that’s when it happened.”
“When what happened?”
He took a breath. “Willow, I met your mother in the angels’ world.”
The words slammed into me. My spine jerked away from the seat. “You what?”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “Humans who have severe angel burn are like ghosts there. Their physical bodies still exist here in our world, but their minds just…go wandering with the angels.” He gave a sad smile, his thumb rubbing my palm. “She’s beautiful. She looks just like you. She’s been, like – frozen in time at twenty-one.”
Alex described his encounter with my mother as I sat stunned, drinking in every word. “She asked about you,” he said. “She wanted to know everything. And…she wished she’d been a better mother.”
“She did the best she could,” I said fiercely, swiping at sudden tears. “I always knew that – even as a little girl.”
Alex squeezed my hand hard. “She helped me escape,” he said quietly after a pause. “And, Willow…” He hesitated. “She said you could be the one to link to the energy field in the angels’ world.”
I straightened, staring. “Me?”
“You’re half angel, half human. You can straddle the two worlds and use their energy field to destroy them. I’m pretty sure that’s what Paschar’s vision meant.”
Was Paschar’s vision really true, then? I shook my head in a daze. “But, Alex, the immunity to the angels that’s happening here…Jonah thinks that has something to do with me too.” Quickly, I told him what Jonah had said. “None of this makes any sense!”
“Maybe it does.”
My hand in his went cold. “How?”
Alex shrugged. “The quakes were the most catastrophic event our world’s ever known – on the ethereal level too. What if, afterwards, humanity started trying to heal itself? Maybe people are unconsciously reaching out to the one thing that could save them from the angels.”
“Me, in other words,” I said in disbelief.
“Yeah, maybe. Except the only ones who can manage it are those who’ve been around you and know what your energy feels like.”
I remembered standing above Pawntucket with Seb – that strange sensation of the whole world straining towards me. “Fine, but that doesn’t explain what it is about me that lets them all marshal themselves! Why not Seb?”
Alex’s gaze was level. “Because he’s not the one who could save them. To be able to connect with the angel world’s energy field, you’ll need a link there to ground you, and you’ve got your mother. A piece of her energy is there – you connect to it every time you reach out to her.”
I opened my mouth; at first nothing came out. “So you’re saying that Paschar was right,” I said finally. “I really am the one who can destroy them.”
I could sense Alex’s fears for me. “Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m saying,” he said shortly. “And that means we’ve got to hold the angels back, no matter what. Miranda said that you need to try from Pawntucket – there must be a gate here you can still get through. If the angels destroy it, that’s our last chance gone for ever.”
My brain felt numb. We’d hoped to defeat them so many times. But oh, god, if this was true… I pressed my fingers against my temples. “Did Mom say where the gate was?”
“No, she didn’t get a chance.”
“Well, she didn’t get out much, so…maybe it’s somewhere in Aunt Jo’s house?” The idea was bizarre, but no more so than anything else today.
Alex got up. “Okay, let’s check it out. If we’re lucky, we can find it fast and do this before the angels even get here.” Then he stopped. “Wait, I haven’t had a chance to ask – how are things back at the base?”
My chest went tight. I saw Sam fall again – heard the screams of almost two hundred AKs. The news would devastate Alex. And what good would telling him now do, with thousands of angels about to attack?
I rose too, and ducked my head as I zipped my parka. “They’re all fine.” I glanced up and managed a smile. “We’ve been recruiting new people, training them… Everyone’s fine.”
Alex looked relieved. He touched my hair. “Good. When we have time, I want to hear everything that’s been going on, okay?”
That strange emotion flickered again like a dull flame. Remembering how I’d cried myself to sleep at night in the bed we’d shared, I almost said, I don’t think you really want to know, Alex.
I swallowed – and instead of speaking, just hugged him hard.
He was alive. That was all that mattered.
At my Aunt Jo’s old house, I was bracing myself for a black, burned-out shell – instead there was only a vacant lot and a driveway that led to nothing. I couldn’t stop staring. It was like no one had ever lived there at all.
We searched the ethereal plane for hours. Nothing – and when I reached out to ask Mom where she’d meant, her energy was as warm and unresponsive as ever. I tried reading Alex too…and though the image of my mother that was in his mind brought tears to my eyes, I didn’t get anything new.
When it became too dark to search, we went and helped with the fortifications. People were working by torchlight, doing everything they could to prepare the houses for the fighters. We pounded in nails and climbed up and down chilly ladders until my limbs felt numb.
Finally, sometime after midnight, Alex gave an order for people to start grabbing food and sleeping in shifts, and we headed back to the school. As Alex drove, he rested one hand on my thigh; the feel of it brought back a thousand memories. I kept glancing over, taking in his strong profile.
I felt that if I stopped looking at him, he’d vanish.
When we got out of the truck, we saw a tired-looking cluster heading towards us: Jonah and Nina, with Seb, Scott and Rachel. “My group will keep making nail bombs in here tonight,” Seb was saying.
“They know how to make them now?” Alex asked sharply. When Seb nodded, he said, “Good – we need you for something else tomorrow. We’ve got to start searching the town at the crack of dawn.”
He explained what he’d found out in the angels’ world – and the mood shifted abruptly to excitement. Jonah’s eyes widened. “You mean we could actually defeat them?”
For the past few hours, I’d managed to blank out the fact that the fate of the world apparently depended on me after all. I cleared my throat as we all headed inside the school. “Maybe,” I said. “If I can figure out what to do when we find this place.”
When – okay, more like if. It looked as if the gate between worlds could be anywhere in town. Finding it could take days – and we didn’t have many left. I tried not to think about it.
It was weird being back in the elementary school again after so long, with its bright posters now all in shadow: the school’s single long corridor was lit with Coleman lanterns.
“We don’t turn on the lights at night,” Nina explained. “Just the heat.”
Looking distracted, Rachel tucked back an auburn strand of hair. “The kitchen’s probably the best place for us to make the bombs, once the others get here,” she told Seb.
“Yes, fine,” he said shortly. He turned to Scott. “Will you show me where that is?”
As they headed off, Rachel bit her lip. “Wow, he really doesn’t like me, does he?”
I’d sensed how tightly Seb was holding his emotions in check. “It’s not you,” I said, gazing after him. “You just remind him of someone, that’s all.”
Alex stood studying a bulletin board; he glanced at me. “You’re kidding. He’s finally fallen for Meghan?”
Suddenly I remembered Seb’s lips on mine, only days ago. My cheeks heated – though I wasn’t sure why; it wasn’t as if I’d had a clue that my boyfriend was still alive. Remembering why I hadn’t known, that odd emotion stirred again.
“Kind of,” I said, managing a smile.
Then, taking in the weary set of Alex’s shoulders, my heart twisted; everything else faded away. Alex was here. It was every dream I’d ever had since I thought he’d died.
I touched his arm, stroking it gently. “You look really tired.”
He rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, I am,” he admitted. “I’m about ready to crash, if Seb doesn’t need any help.”
“We’ll let you know if he does,” Jonah said. “Do you want something to eat first? We’ve got canned stuff, or more canned stuff.”
Alex smiled slightly. “Thanks, I’ll pass.”
“I’m not hungry either,” I said – and then realized what that meant: Alex and I would be going to bed now. My heartbeat quickened. Suddenly I felt like I was sixteen again and had never even held hands with a boy.
Nina took my arm. “Come on, I’ll show you where the sleeping bags and stuff are.” As the two of us headed down the corridor, she lowered her voice. “Willow, this is all so weird. Are you okay?”
I looked back at Alex, savouring the sight of him. He stood talking to Jonah and Rachel with his hands stuck in his back pockets – a pose I’d seen him in a thousand times.
“Better than okay,” I said quietly.
Nina shook her head. “It’s so unbelievable. I mean, I’m still stunned, and I don’t even know him.” She grinned suddenly. “Oh, and he’s gorgeous, by the way. But then, so’s Seb. Are you just, like, surrounded by hot guys now?”
I rolled my eyes. “Seb and I are just friends, Nina.” But remembering what I’d sensed earlier, a tiny pang struck me. I’d wanted Seb to get over me for two years – but knowing that he actually had felt a little strange.
Nina opened up a supply closet and started pulling out sleeping bags and pillows; I moved to help her. “So, you and Jonah, huh?”
Her voice held a smile. “Yeah. For almost a year now. Jonah says he fell in love with me right when we first met – I was so fierce and suspicious, he said. For a long time we were just friends, though. Then when he started doing the Voice of Freedom, we did a lot of travelling together – he has to broadcast from all over, so he won’t get caught – and one day we were broadcasting from the woods, and I looked at him sitting there with the sun shining on his face, his expression so intense…and I just knew.”
A weary-looking group passed on their way to the lunchroom. I smiled automatically as people said, “Hi, Willow,” and “Oh, man, it is so good to have you back!” – and tried to ignore the awe in their eyes.
“I was never this popular in high school,” I muttered to Nina.
She shrugged. “I know, but I guess you’ve become kind of a hero here – you and Alex both. Besides—” She broke off, studying me.
“Besides what?” I said uncomfortably.
“Well…you are one, aren’t you? I mean, it’s you who we’re all counting on.”
I had no idea what to say to that. Just then I heard Alex and the others approaching. Nina glanced back and cleared her throat. “Listen, um – if you two want some privacy tonight, no one sleeps in the gym this time of year.”
My lips had gone desert-dry. “Yeah, privacy is probably good.”
She hesitated. “And…well, here.” She opened the closet again and pointed. “See that big cardboard box? Our own personal Planned Parenthood.” She gave me an impish look. “It’s amazing what you can find when you scavenge a whole town.”
I was saved from answering; Alex and the others were walking up. “And we’ve got guards posted, right?” Alex was saying.
Jonah nodded. “All over town. They can alert us in minutes if the attack comes.”
“Okay, sleep with your gun next to you. All of you. Spread the word.”
As Jonah and Rachel continued down the corridor, Nina fell into step beside them; I saw Jonah link his fingers through hers. “Goodnight,” Nina called over her shoulder.
“Hey, you,” Alex said softly once we were alone.
He looked just like I’d remembered every second of this past year – every plane and angle of his face was exactly as I’d recalled. I swallowed, trying not to shake.
“Hey,” I whispered back.
Alex stroked my upper arms; even through my parka, I could feel the warmth of his fingers. “Willow, I—” he started, and then looked up as more people passed.
“Alex Kylar,” I heard one whisper. Breathless hellos, eyes shining.
Once they’d passed, Alex gave me a wry look. “It’s not going to be like this all night, is it? I just want to be alone with you for a few hours.”
I could feel my angel stirring, but I ignored her – because right then being alone with Alex was all that I wanted too. “Nina says the gym’s private,” I offered.
That slow grin I’d dreamed of so many times spread across Alex’s face. “Yeah?” He kissed me lightly, then grabbed up the sleeping bags and pillows. “Let’s go.”
The gym’s shadows melted away as we entered with a lantern: a broad, cold space with a small stage at one end. Alex jumped on the stage with a light leap. “Look – we can close the curtains. It’ll be warmer that way too.”
I went and joined him. He was on his knees, opening up the sleeping bags – and as I kneeled to help him, our eyes met. I paused mid-motion; we both went still. Finally Alex reached out and ran a gentle hand over my hair.
“I still can’t believe it, you know,” he said in a low voice. His thumb caressed my cheekbone. “Christ, I’ve missed a whole year of your life.”
A raw yearning for him rocked through me. I longed to reach for him – but all at once the shadows, the stage, came together in a surreal dream. If I moved, I’d wake up…and I couldn’t bear even the thought of that.
He murmured my name and kissed me. When he’d first come back, his kisses had been quick, frantic – this one was so long and deep that I felt myself dissolve into nothing. Alex. His smell – his taste. With a sudden moan, I pressed close, wrapping my arms around him, kissing him back for all I was worth.
“I love you,” I gasped. “Alex, I missed you so much – every day—”
“I love you too – I thought about you every second—”
Somehow our jackets came off; they fell to the stage with a rustle. I ran my hands under his T-shirt, needing to feel him; still kissing me, Alex pulled away slightly to yank the shirt over his head.
He reached for me again. “Wait,” I whispered. I sank back onto my heels and drank him in: the way the lantern’s glow played on the muscles of his chest; the look in his eyes as he gazed back at me.
I slowly reached out and glided my fingers over his smooth torso. I shivered at the familiar warmth. I hadn’t forgotten, not any of it. I traced the letters of his AK tattoo, then leaned over to press my lips against them. I felt drunk on him; I could never get enough.
“Oh god, Willow,” he whispered roughly. I felt his lips on my head, my cheek, his hand under my shirt, caressing over my ribcage, going upwards—
I pulled away, breathing hard. “Stop,” I said.
He paused, his eyes surprised. “Stop?”
I could feel my angel stirring again – that weird sensation of looseness that came when we weren’t in accord. She wasn’t happy about something, but right then I wasn’t too interested in finding out what.
“Yes – stop.” I picked up Alex’s T-shirt; as I handed it to him, I kissed him lingeringly. “Put that back on,” I whispered. “There’s a cardboard box out in the closet that you need to go check out.”
When I woke a few hours later, I was curled in Alex’s arms; his breathing was slow and steady. For a few heartbeats, my drowsy brain thought we were back at the base. Do we have a simulation today? I thought, nestling closer to him. Hope we haven’t overslept.
Then I remembered.
I froze, my eyes abruptly wide open. We’d closed the stage curtains and were in total darkness; I had no idea what time it was. I sat up, hugging a blanket tight around myself – so aware of the warm sleeping form next to me. And even though I knew now that this was real…I still had to check.
I brought out my angel, and the stage exploded into ethereal light. Alex lay with one arm up on his pillow. The three weeks of stubble on his jaw was only a shadow; the light from my angel picked out every hair.
Three weeks, I thought, staring at him. Twenty-one days – that was all this had been in Alex’s life.
The emotion that had been tugging at me since he returned came again, stronger than ever. I could feel my angel’s disquiet. I touched my forehead as it started to pound – and that’s when the thought I’d been trying to avoid hit me with sickening clarity.
There had been no reason for me to go through this last year. None. If Alex had just told me the truth…if I’d known there was a chance that he was still alive in the angels’ world…
It wouldn’t have made any difference; you still wouldn’t have known for sure, I told myself dazedly.
It would have made the difference between hope and despair, and I knew it.
I felt dizzy suddenly – all I wanted was to slam this away again as hard as I could. Beside me, Alex stirred. He reached out and rubbed my arm. “Hey,” he murmured. “Everything okay?”
“Fine,” I got out. “Couldn’t sleep.”
He tugged at me. “Come back, you’re too far away.”
I felt like a clenched fist. I lay down beside him again; he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my shoulder. I sensed him doing a scan and realizing: “Your angel’s out.”
“Yes, um…” I closed my eyes hard, willing this to go away. “I just wanted to see you. Make sure you’re real.”
Alex lifted his energy above his crown chakra and took in my angel. “She’s more beautiful than ever, you know,” he said. “So are you.” He touched my hair, fingering a blonde strand.
“I like this,” he said. “You were gorgeous as a redhead and a brunette too, but – this is who you are.”
I cleared my throat. Somehow my voice sounded normal. “That’s…why I did it. I wanted to be me again when I faced Raziel.”
Alex glanced at the closed curtains. “Speaking of that – any idea what time it is?”
I sent my angel soaring up briefly through the roof: icy air and piercing stars. “Still early,” I said as she returned. “I don’t think we’ve been asleep very long.”
“Okay, let’s at least try to get another hour.” Then Alex really looked at me. “Are you sure you’re all right? You seem so tense.”
Alex, so close that I could feel his body’s warmth even where we weren’t touching – it was everything I’d longed for, so why was I feeling like this? “I’m fine,” I said after a pause. “It must just still be the shock, or something.”
He sighed. “Yeah. I’m still dealing with that myself.” Keeping one arm around me, he rolled onto his back, gazing at my angel. “A year,” he murmured. “Jesus, you’re nineteen now. We’re the same age.”
I fell silent, remembering my nineteenth birthday party. How I’d cried so hard that I’d thrown up. Then my gaze fell on the battered work boots lying nearby; Alex had said he’d scavenged them from a dark town.
The explosion at the camp thundered through me again: my voice screaming Alex’s name, my fingers bleeding as I clawed at shards of concrete, the way I’d cradled his shoe as I sobbed.
All because he hadn’t wanted to see the look on my face.
Alex touched my cheek. “Oh god, babe,” he said softly. “I can’t even imagine what this last year has been like for you.”
A great, dark wave was cresting inside me. “It…wasn’t much fun,” I said thinly. “I mean, obviously. But I got through it.”
He raised my hand to his lips and kissed my palm. “I’ll make it up to you, somehow,” he said. “I swear it, Willow. All that matters now is that we’re together again.”
I’ll make it up to you. I went very still. For a moment I almost felt short of breath. Had he actually just said that? For him to even think it was possible…
He’d put me through hell, and he didn’t even know it.
Alex settled back with his arms around me. I could feel that he thought I just didn’t want to talk about it yet. “So what’s been happening back at the base?” he asked. He smiled slightly. “How did Seb finally come to his senses about Meghan, anyway? Last time I talked to him, he wasn’t even close.”
And he looked so relaxed that suddenly I hated him.
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice tightly controlled. “I guess maybe it was when the two of us were kissing a few days ago.”
Alex’s expression drained. He propped himself up on one elbow, staring at me. “You were kissing Seb,” he repeated.
“Yeah, we had to take shelter on the way here.” Who was this person talking, with her hard, deliberate tone? “It was this really romantic setting – a fireplace, a sheepskin rug – and we just fell into each other’s arms. It was so passionate – we couldn’t get enough of each other. I’ve never––”
Hurt anger had come over Alex’s face. “Fine, I get the picture! You totally wanted Seb. So what happened?”
I longed to tell him that we’d spent a night of wild passion on the sheepskin rug. Instead my voice shook as I snapped: “Nothing! Because Seb sensed I was still in love with you, that I was using him without even meaning to! And I sensed he’s in love with Meghan.”
Alex lay staring at me. Feeling ashamed and small suddenly, I looked down at the sleeping bag, tracing its seam. “He, um…hasn’t really figured that part out for himself yet. I think that’s why he’s being so rude to—”
“What the hell was that about?” Alex interrupted. He gripped my bare shoulder. “Let me get this straight: you’re telling me nothing else happened, because you’re still in love with me.”
I swallowed. “That’s…pretty much what I’m saying, yes.”
“Great – so was there a particular reason you had to tell me that the two of you were all over each other? What a romantic setting it was?”
“I thought you’d want to know,” I said levelly.
Alex snorted. “Yeah, I’m overjoyed – thanks for sharing. Jesus, Willow! Seb’s my friend, and right now I want to—” He stopped abruptly; finally he let out a breath and rubbed a hand over his face.
“Look,” he said. “I don’t even know where any of this came from. I don’t want to argue, all right? I get that you must be upset over what’s happened, but—”
Something like a laugh choked out of me. “Upset? You told me to trust you and I thought you were dead for a year. But hey, you’re back now, so it’s all good.”
“I had to go. I didn’t tell you the truth because—” Alex cut himself off, looking frustrated. “Oh, what’s the point? You already know all of this. It doesn’t seem to make any difference.”
He glanced at my angel’s gleaming form, his jaw tight. “Do you mind? I’ve got to get some sleep. Unless you’ve got any more revelations you’d like to throw at me. Hey, throw them really hard, all right? Bonus points if you knock me out.”
I didn’t tell him about the base. At least I didn’t do that: I didn’t use it as a weapon against him, even though I was so angry and hurt myself that I was trembling.
“No,” I said finally. “No more revelations.” And I brought my angel back to me, and the stage fell into darkness.