Angel Fever

33

IN A WAY, MY FIFTH-GRADE classroom was exactly like I remembered: the battered paperbacks on top of the art supply cupboard, the whiteboard at the front of the room. Someone had written Pawntucket Tigers STILL Know How to Roar! on it – with a drawing of a tiger attacking an angel.

But all the desks were gone. Sleeping bags clustered on the carpet, as if this were a giant slumber party. I lay in one without moving, fists pressed against my forehead as I tried scanning the town mentally, street by street.

I’d done this a hundred times now, and there was nothing – but was that because I couldn’t find the gate this way, or because there wasn’t anything to sense? Mom, where is it? I pleaded. No answer.

“Are you awake?” Nina whispered from the next sleeping bag.

I swallowed hard and opened my eyes. “Yeah.”

“I can’t sleep either,” she said softly. “Do you think Alex would mind if we got back to work early?”

It doesn’t matter if he minds or not, I wanted to say; I stopped myself. Searching the town these last two days had given me far too much time to think about Alex: relentless thoughts had pounded at my skull until I was sick of them, battered by them.

“Yes, I think he’d mind,” I said finally.

I could feel Nina trying to decide whether to say something about Alex and me; I was relieved when she didn’t. She cleared her throat. “So, I’ve been wondering something. You know how you told me last night that you and Seb can teach people to manipulate their auras?”

I nodded. “I know, but there’s no time for that here – it takes people months to learn aura work.”

“Okay, but…can’t you do it?”

I frowned as I turned my head towards her. “What do you mean?”

Her voice was hesitant. “Well, if everyone’s energy really is reaching out for you, then couldn’t you sort of…I don’t know; use that to grab hold of all our auras when the angels attack? If you could make them really small, so that the angels can’t catch hold…”

She trailed off when I didn’t answer. “Forget it.” She tried to laugh. “Grasping at Straws 101.”

“No, wait!” I was remembering once when Seb and I’d been under attack. He’d done the same thing: grasped both our auras and drawn them so close to our bodies they couldn’t be seen.

Could I do it – on such a major scale?

“I don’t know,” I said slowly. “I – I guess it’s possible.” All at once my heart was pounding. I reached out with my mind…but found that I didn’t even know where to begin. How was I supposed to grasp hold of a whole town?

A few frustrating minutes later I opened my eyes. “Did it work?” Nina whispered.

I hated the catch of hope in her voice; it was bad enough that my own hope had faded. “No. I’m sorry.”

Suddenly I couldn’t stand it any more – I unzipped the sleeping bag and slid out. I still had my clothes on; I started pulling on my shoes.

“Nina, look – go be with Jonah, okay? Please. I want you to.” I’d seen them in the corridor together earlier – Jonah touching Nina’s face. The look in both their eyes had been so uncomplicated it had wrenched my heart.

Nina sat up. “What about you?”

“I’ve got to get some fresh air. Maybe try scanning some more.”

“But it’s freezing out!”

“I know, but I’ve got to do something. And, Nina, don’t you see? This might be the last night you and Jonah have.” I grabbed my parka – and before Nina could protest any more, I squeezed her hand tightly and left.

The school playground was ghostly in the moonlight. As I sat in one of the swings, I nudged at the frosty ground with my toe, twirling slightly in place.

Though I was cold through, I didn’t get up. Scanning the town mentally hadn’t helped. Neither had trying to grasp hold of everyone’s auras again, though I’d tried it until my mind felt like a damp rag.

Now there was nothing left that I could attempt before the attack came. And it would be soon now; I could feel it.

We’re all going to die, I thought.

I looked up, imagining the sky covered in angels with Raziel at their head. If I die, he will too, I vowed to myself. Without the gate, our last chance to defeat the angels might be gone – but I’d manage that much, at least.

My spine was straight, but I felt so tired: a weariness that had nothing to do with lack of sleep. I was just about to go help with the fortifications again when I heard footsteps. I looked up in surprise.

Alex appeared out of the shadows and stood in front of me, hands buried in his jacket pockets. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” I said back after a pause.

Alex came and sat down in the next swing. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “You didn’t tell me about the base,” he said quietly.

His face in the moonlight was just as I’d imagined a thousand times. What I’d never imagined was this feeling inside of myself.

I cleared my throat. “No. I thought it’d be better to wait until after whatever happens.”

Alex sighed and dropped his hand. “Yeah…you were probably right. Willow, look, I—” He broke off, as if thinking better of it. “Have you been out here scanning?” he asked at last.

Why was I yearning for his arms around me even now? “Yes,” I admitted. “Not that it’s made any difference.”

He shook his head a little as he studied me. “God, you look so much like your mother,” he murmured. “Except you’re even more beautiful.” Then his forehead creased. “Wait a minute,” he said slowly. “Your mother. I wonder—”

At the feel of his sudden excitement, my own pulse leaped. “What?”

He leaned forward, elbows on knees. “Willow, listen! There was a faint energy to your mother, and when I left the angels’ world, I held her hands – kissed her cheek. So maybe if you try contacting her again, I could be a link for you to reach her.”

I recalled the dim, heart-wrenching sense of her energy that I’d picked up from reading Alex. “But how would that work?” I said blankly. “It was you touching her, not me. And she was fading already by then—”

“Just try it! What have we got to lose?” He held his hand out to me, palm up – and I was flung back to the day we’d first met. He’d offered me his hand in just that same way.

I nodded stiffly. “All right.” As I turned towards Alex, the swing’s chains twisted above me. I took his hand – and pushed my emotions away.

Reaching out, I found my mother’s energy quickly but knew I couldn’t communicate: this was the mother in my own world. Concentrating on Alex’s hand – on the same warm skin that had touched some forgotten essence of her – I reached even further.

Mom? Are you there somewhere?

I asked the question over and over. The minutes passed. Just as I was ready to give up, suddenly the sense swept over me that I was travelling someplace both very far and very near. Oh god, she was so close – closer than I ever could have imagined.

Willow?

It was more sensation than word. But she was there – she knew me. The same elation rushed in that I’d felt as a little girl, on those rare, glorious days when my mother had actually seen me.

“Mom,” I whispered. I felt Alex’s hand tighten in mine.

Words didn’t seem possible across the worlds; it didn’t matter. My energy was merging with my mother’s as completely as Seb’s and mine did sometimes. I sat frozen in wonder as images came: me when I was little, before she’d drifted away completely. And such an overwhelming sense of love. For this one moment, I hadn’t lost my mother at all: she was still there, just like I’d always longed for.

I wanted it to last for ever – knew we didn’t have time. Mom, where’s the gate into the angels’ world? I thought. Please, we have to know!

I sensed her straining to tell me. Another image: shifting green curtains, stirred by the wind. I frowned in confusion.

I don’t understand, I thought. Is it in someone’s house? Whose?

But already, she was starting to fade – just like in the dream I’d had on the journey here. “No!” I cried in alarm. “Oh, Mom, wait – please don’t go—”

It was as if we were clinging to each other in a windstorm, pulled apart inch by inch. A last sense of love – of frustration – and she was gone.

“Mom,” I whispered raggedly. I opened my eyes; realized my cheeks were damp with tears. “We – we communicated,” I said, swiping at them with my hand. “She tried to tell me, but I couldn’t…” I trailed off as my throat tightened. Mom.

Alex drew me towards him, swing and all; he wrapped his arms around me tight. A sob escaped me. “She knew who I was,” I choked out against his chest. “Oh god, Alex, she really knew who I was…”

“I know,” he whispered into my hair. “She loves you so much – she wanted to know all about you.”

I shut my eyes hard and for a moment just pressed close to him, listening to the quiet thudding of both our hearts – and then I remembered lying on the scratchy carpet of our bedroom, crying until there were no tears left.

It felt as if I’d been punched. I winced and drew back.

“Willow, no, stop – please don’t pull away.” Alex clutched my hands. “Listen to me,” he said intensely. “I get it, okay? I swear to you, I get it. What you went through—” His Adam’s apple moved; his eyes were suddenly bright as he touched my hair. “I can never make it up to you. Never, no matter what I do. I’m sorry – oh Christ, I am so sorry. But please don’t push me away.”

“Don’t, just – don’t.” I pressed my fingers against suddenly pounding temples. “I told you I can’t do this now, Alex.”

His voice was steady. “The attack could come any time. We could die with this still between us – is that what you want?”

And suddenly the rage that had been building for three days burst through like a tsunami.

My head snapped up. “You are kidding me,” I said. “Are you really sitting there lecturing me on things I should do before I die? You? I suppose you had a – a checklist, didn’t you, before you took off?”

“Willow—”

“Where on the list was telling me I was your life? Number three, maybe? Because one was obviously lying to me, and two must have been to remember to pack your gun—”

“Willow!” He gripped my arms. “Don’t do this,” he said quietly.

“Why not? Because you don’t feel like hearing it? Because you get it now, so we can just forget all about it?”

“That is not what I meant!” Frustration darkened his features. “Look, I know I deserve this, but at least get it right. I wanted to tell you the truth—”

I jumped to my feet; my voice rose in a shout: “If you wanted to tell me, then why didn’t you, you coward? It was just easier for you to go and get killed than be honest with me!”

“Yes!” he yelled back; the word echoed across the playground. “Yes, okay? I was wrong. What else can I say? I’d do anything if I could undo this last year for you, but I can’t; we’re stuck with it!”

“We?”

His eyes flashed as he also stood up. “Yeah, we! Or don’t you think this is affecting me too? What, do you think I’m enjoying this?”

The words came out low and deadly. “Let me tell you something – you think you ‘get it’? You don’t have a clue. I loved you so completely, Alex. Part of me died with you that day, and I have never gotten her back.”

Alex swallowed hard. He stood staring at me. “Loved,” he said softly.

“What?”

“You said you ‘loved me so completely’. Does that mean you don’t any more?”

I hugged myself. The way I felt now was just a mess. Love. Hate. Anger. Sorrow.

“I…can’t even answer that.”

“Willow—” He started to touch my arm; I jerked away, furious and close to tears.

“Stop it! Stop touching me like you’ve got a right to! You don’t any more; you gave it up when you disappeared for a year!”

Alex’s face in the silvery light looked carved from stone – his hands clenched into fists. “What about the other night?” he demanded in a low voice. “You told me you loved me then, remember? And you sure as hell acted like you did.”

Something snapped. “It doesn’t matter!” I screamed. “Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter what I feel for you – because every time I look at you, all I can think about is crying myself to sleep at night! Even if I love you, I might as well hate you – because that’s what it feels like!”

My voice rang through the night. Alex stood very still, his eyes locked on mine – his expression full of pain. “All right. I understand,” he said finally, his tone unnaturally level. “But I love you, and that will never change. Even if you hate me until the day you die.”

Shuddering, I gripped my face with both hands, breathing hard. It felt as if everything was caving in on me at once: Alex, the thwarted communication with Mom, Raziel about to attack.

Mom. Raziel.

It hit me hard, knocking everything else out of my mind – out of the whole world. I gasped, my eyes widening. “Oh god, of course,” I whispered. “I’ve got to go to Schenectady Eden.”

“What?”

I’d already turned away; Alex lunged after me and grabbed my arm. “Tell me what’s going on, Willow!”

I was desperate to leave; the words rushed out. “Don’t you see? Raziel knew Mom. I’ve got to read him, somehow; it’s the only way we might find the gate.”

“Are you insane?” Alex demanded. “Schenectady is full of thousands of angels! And you want to just wander in and read Raziel?”

“Have you got a better idea?”

“You’ll be killed,” he said flatly.

“And if I don’t go, we’ll all be killed!”

His jaw was tight. “All right, I’m coming with you.”

“What?” It was the last thing I wanted. “Alex, no – you need to stay here.”

Anger leaped across his face. “Jesus, Willow! If you think I’m going to just sit here while you head off to Schenectady—” He stopped short, glaring at me. “Maybe you didn’t hear me before, but I love you. You’re stuck with me.”

There was no time to argue. “Fine,” I said, and we headed to the walkway where the trucks were parked.