Antelligent Design

16. Training Day

“Ok. Let’s try this again. The enemy is down there. We’re in a superior position where they cannot fight back. All of the advantages are ours. So, what are you going to do? What is your strategy?”

We’re positioned in one of the original four farms, clinging to the ceiling out of harm’s way. I lured a monster out to the edge of the open space and tied it down with a Gravity Bolt. The poor creature is labouring on the ground beneath us, barely able to move, whilst I teach these hatchlings how to fight.

The particular young worker I’ve been focused on twitches a little when I fully cast my attention on them. I’m not sure exactly why, but these workers seem a little cowed by me. Perhaps it’s just that I’m older and larger.

“Well, I see the monster down there.”

“Right.”

“I know I have numerical superiority.”

“Right!”

Maybe this time I’m getting through to them.

“I also know we have a positional advantage and the ability to attack our opponent when they can’t fight back.”

“Yeees?”

Here we go!

“So, I will charge down to engage the enemy, forcing myself into its jaws so that by my sacrifice, my fellow workers will be able to attack without being harmed!”

DAMMIT.

Immediately, the rest of the hatchlings respond positively.

“Ooo, that’s a good idea!”

“Curses! I should have thought of that.”

“That has to be the right answer. It’s flawless.”

The worker who suggested it is now staring at me like a puppy waiting to be praised. Almost wiggling with joy as the praise from his fellow hatchlings rings in her antennae.

Ugh. This again.

“WRONG!”

Thwack!

Swinging an antenna hard, I slap the worker on the head.

“How many times do I have to say this? You. Are. Not. To. Die!”

“Ohhh, right,” the workers chorus.

I definitely feel a splitting headache coming on.

“In none of the plans you put forward are you allowed to act suicidally. You should always act to minimise the loss to the colony to as great an extent as possible. It’s possible for you to resolve this situation without losing any workers! So that’s what you should do!”

The hatchlings look at me as if I’m speaking a different language.

This is infuriating. It’s almost as if any plan in which they don’t die is in some way unsatisfactory. I’ve been trying for over an hour to get them to value their own lives, to think of their safety as something important, but it just isn’t getting through.

Not only do they not care about their own lives, not dying seems to be a personal failure on their part. They burn to sacrifice themselves for the colony. To win something in the exchange and go down in a blaze of glory.

Maybe I’m thinking about this the wrong way. It’s clear they aren’t going to value themselves for their own sake, but perhaps I can get them to value it for another reason.

“Listen to me, all of you!” I declare.

Twenty sets of eyes and antennae turn on me with laser focus.

They’re so earnest, it’s quite cute.

“Do you wish to serve the colony?” I ask.

“Of course!”

“Yes!”

“I’ll die before this day is done for the colony!”

“Ok whoa, slow down there. I take it you also wish to serve the queen?”

“Naturally!”

“Mother is the heart of the colony!”

“I will throw my life away for the queen before she wakes!”

“Alright, you there, to the side, just chill out. Sheesh!”

I take a moment to compose myself.

“Now answer me this. Can you do more to benefit the colony, can you do more to serve the queen, when you’re alive as opposed to dead?”

They’re thinking. Seriously thinking. In any other situation, this would be ridiculous, but the fact they’re thinking at all is a massive win!

“What if…” One of the hatchlings pipes up dubiously, “we were to serve the colony for a time, and then die in dutiful service to the colony?”

“Would you be able to do more for the colony whilst still alive? Especially after you’ve taken Biomass and experience that could have gone to others. Are you selfish?”

I say the word selfish as if throwing up vile poison, and the hatchlings respond with horror and disgust.

“Selfish!”

“NEVER!”

“Be accused of selfishness? I would rather die! Unselfishly…”

I nod sagely.

“That’s right. If the colony has invested resources in you, it is your duty to repay the colony with dutiful service, NOT pointless death.”

I lean in closer.

“Not to mention, the other thing to consider. Which colony is better, one with one hundred workers or one with two hundred workers?”

They mutter amongst themselves for a moment before deciding that yes, more workers is clearly superior to less workers. The ant logic of strength in numbers is strong with these ones.

“Exactly. Now how is the colony supposed to increase its numbers if you die so easily?”

Oooh, that hit them hard, they’re starting to squirm. Time for the final strike!

“In fact, to strengthen the colony, isn’t it your duty to stay alive as long as possible? Wouldn’t throwing your life away for personal glory actually be an act of… SELFISHNESS?”

Their faces are pure masks of shock. Glorious sacrifice for the colony? Selfish! It sounds like madness, but the logic is so clear! This is all heresy to them; except I’ve laid out a strong case. The war of ideas is playing out within them.

Maybe I have them now. Please, let me have them. I really didn’t think the first order of business in teaching these hatchlings would be to convince them not to throw their lives away at the first opportunity.

I put so much work into getting to this point. Did they really think I’d let them waste it all?

I really hope we don’t have to do this with every new worker that hatches… seriously.

Slowly, the light of understanding has begun to dawn amongst a few. I decide there’s a slight chance some of them may be able to give me a non-stupid answer, so I indicate one of the quicker ants to come forward.

“Let’s try again. Your foe is there below us. We are here. How do you approach the situation?”

The hatchling considers the question. I can see the cogs turning as she thinks about what I’ve said, what her instincts say, and tries to resolve the two.

“So… I don’t … throw myself at it and… die?” she says hesitantly.

“Obviously!”

THWACK!

“It’s so simple! Get your hunting party together and attack with acid from range! You can damage your target without it being able to threaten you. With enough acid being applied, you might even defeat the enemy without them coming close enough to hurt you. See? Then all of the workers survive, the hunt is successful and the colony benefits! HOW can you NOT understand this?”

They all nod and exclaim “Oooh!” as if they’ve finally understood. These damn idiots!

Finally, I snap.

“RIGHT! Line up! Two rows of ten. I said ten! Now on my signal, you will begin firing acid at the target until you run out. NO QUESTIONS. Put that antenna DOWN. Make every shot count and focus on your Skills! Ready? FIRE!”

Nothing happens.

They watch me.

I watch them.

Slowly, I bring my antennae forward to rub at my temples.

“The signal to shoot, is when I say ‘fire’. Ok?”

“Ooooh.”

I’m dying here. I’m seriously dying.

“Fire…”