At Witt's End

15

Sadie removed a new lipstick tube from its wrapper and twisted the stick into view. “What about this one? Do you like this color?” She dabbed the tip on the back of her hand and held it out for Jane to see.

"That's nice,” Jane said.

"What do you mean, that's nice? You didn't even take your eyes off the ironing board long enough to see it. I could have had poop on my hand and you'd say ‘that's nice'."

"It's too hot to look at lipstick.” Jane turned the cotton dish towel over and ironed the back side. She matched the corners before folding the fabric and running the iron across the top of the last fold.

"I would think looking at lipstick is a lot cooler than ironing.” Sadie balled her fists and placed them on her hips. “Any nitwit would know that."

"How would you know? You never iron.” Jane cocked her head and glared at her sister.

The intense humidity and the intestinal cramping from Jane's latest culinary experiment taxed Sadie's patience. “Your clothes are too big. If they were smaller, I might help."

"My clothes are bigger because I am bigger. Any nitwit would know that.” Jane's smirk signaled satisfaction.

Sadie stood in front of the mirror and applied her new purchase to her lips. Smacking them together and wiping away the excess with her fingernail, she turned to Jane. “Don't you think this makes me look younger?"

"No,” Jane answered. “You know who you remind me of in that lipstick? You remind me of Hollywood Johnson. Remember her?"

"What a terrible thing to say,” Sadie said. “She looked like a walking skeleton with that pasty makeup and those huge purple lips."

"E-x-a-c-t-l-y,” Jane said. “Now you know what I think about your lipstick.” She collapsed the ironing board frame and leaned it against the sink.

Sadie used a tissue to remove the color from her lips. She pulled a second tube from her purse and applied it to her pursed lips. “What about this one? This deep violet goes better with my outfit."

"That's even worse. Now you look like Hollywood 's mother."

"Mr. Bakke, take Jane down to the lake and throw her in. Maybe that will change her mood.” Sadie grabbed her neckline and fanned the fabric, forcing air to flow under her shirt.

"Do you actually know someone called Hollywood Johnson?” Theo said as he pulled out a chair and sat at the kitchen table. “Observing you is like watching a sleazy ‘B’ movie.” He looked at Sadie's hair and then considered the length of her purple and lime mini dress. “Since you've got the staring role in this comedy, I recommend you take that new push-up bra back to the store. Something must be wrong with it. Nobody has breasts that lopsided."

Sadie turned to hurl an insult back at Theo.

Mr. Bakke said, “It's the weather. The sultry air makes Jane testy."

"If Jane wore shorts like the rest of us, she might be more comfortable."

"I wouldn't be caught dead in shorts at my age. And neither should you,” Jane said. “Look at yourself. When you bend over I can see your butt. It looks like you don't have any underwear on."

"I don't,” Sadie said. “Too hot."

"Oh, good Lord,” Theo said with a rasp.

A knock at the screen door interrupted the bickering.

"Are you ready to leave yet?” Aanders said. He crossed the span from the door to the cookie jar in three long strides, allowing the screen door to slam behind him.

Sadie knocked on the door to the inner room and shouted to the crossers. “It's time to go. Get in the van.” She pointed a finger at Aanders. “I'm counting on you to help Tim. He's getting weak. It's your responsibility to see he finds someone on the brink. If he doesn't, he might not find his parents."

"I know,” Aanders answered. “We'll try. When we get back, we need to talk to you. Tim knows why he was held back. He wants me to help him prove it, but I can't do it unless you help, too."

"I'll keep an eye on them,” Lora said as she climbed into the shuttle. “Maybe if they think I'll tattle, they'll try harder."

Rodney jumped in the van, slumped down, and kicked his legs across the aisle, propping his feet on Lora's seat. “Are you going to snitch on me, too?"

"I don't think she's concerned with what you do, Rodney,” Sadie said.

"Yes she is. She has the hots for me."

Michael tapped Sadie on the back. “Do you have to take Belly to the dog doctor?"

Puzzled, Sadie turned around to look at the boy. “What for?"

"You told Mr. Bakke that Belly got his nose bent out of joint. It got bent when you made him go outside because he rolled in rotten fish on the beach. Remember?” Michael put his chin on the back of the seat. “I looked at his nose, but I couldn't tell if it was bent. Maybe you should have the doctor look at it. I want Belly to get better."

"I think you're right,” Sadie said. “I'll take care of that while you're at the nursing home. When you get back, he'll be fine."

"Dumb kid,” Rodney said and leaned his head back on the van's window.

At 5:00 p.m., Sadie returned to the nursing home to gather the crossers. She pulled in under the portico, descended the van's steps, grabbed the no-parking sign, and tugged it down the driveway away from the van.

Theo climbed the van steps and sat in the first seat next to the door. His head swiveled back and forth while Sadie carried on a conversation with the residents under the portico. “What a pitiful situation,” he said when Sadie returned to the driver's seat. “A bunch of old people sitting around waiting to die."

"Would you prefer they waited out on the street?” Sadie shot Theo a ‘you're as dense as a doorknob’ look.

Theo sat with his knees tight together and the briefcase resting on his lap. “I see you failed Humor 101."

"Coming from the master of comedy, that's a pretty strong statement.” Sadie looked toward the portico and tried to see beyond the residents clustered near the doorway.

Sadie patted her hair. “Notice anything new?"

"Other than that skunk on your head?"

Sadie turned her head back and forth and gazed in the rearview mirror. “I can't help it if most of the highlights ended up in a row on top.” She picked at the blond spikes and tried to move some of them sideways. “Big Leon said it'll look better after he cuts off some of the streak."

"I'd schedule that appointment if I were you.” Theo sighed impatiently then tipped his wrist to look at his watch. “What's taking them so long? I don't have all day."

"You have thirty days,” Sadie said. “And you've used up about 10 of them. How come you're always the first one back on the van? Are you sure you're putting your energy into finding someone on the brink?"

"Spare the sermon. I've had all I can tolerate for one day. Lora is sobbing in one of hallways because Rodney's harassing her again. That wretched creature has enough to worry about. And the boys are hatching a plan to find a murderer."

"A murderer?"

"Tim's convinced his father was murdered."

Staring at Theo, Sadie said, “Did he tell you that?"

"No. But I overheard them talking about it. Something about a rifle."

"A rifle? That doesn't make sense. Richard wasn't shot. But Tim's not the first to question his father's death. Nan 's friend, Lon, is concerned, too."

"It's amazing how little minds fabricate huge scenarios, isn't it?” Theo said.

Sadie bit at the corner of her mouth. Theo riled her. His contempt for those beneath him increased by the day causing him to lose sight of his declaration.

Sadie pushed the release lever and the van's door swung shut. She grabbed the keys off the dash, started the van, and pulled away from the no-parking zone.

"What are you doing?” Theo cried. “What about the others?"

"They'll have to wait. I've waited for them, so they can wait for me.” Sadie drove two miles before bringing the van to a standstill at Nordeen Point, a public park situated on the north side of Pinecone Lake.

Sadie got out of the driver's seat and sat directly across from Theo. “I want to know how it went today, Theo. Were you able to zero in on anyone near death?"

"Aren't they all?"

"You're quick to criticize, but they're not all waiting to die. What makes you think their lives weren't as good as yours."

"Because they're not me,” Theo said under his breath.

Sadie sat on the edge of the seat with her legs dangling in the aisle. “Did you ever enjoy yourself? Or did you spend your entire life with that steel rod up your butt?"

"There. That's exactly what I mean, Sadie,” Theo said. “You're as crass as they come. Your language is repulsive and you have no respect for anyone's feelings. Put yourself in my place and see how it feels to find out you're dead."

"You put yourself in my place and think about taking responsibility for one crosser after another,” Sadie said. “That's not a bed of geraniums, either."

Theo cringed. “Roses. It's roses. If you have to use a tired cliche, at least get it right".

"We're not going back to the cabin until you tell me something about your past."

"What do you need to know?"

"Tell me about your life. Did you marry? Do you have children? If you do, that must have been a miracle because I can't picture you having sex with that rod up your butt."

"Are you sure you're not Rodney's mother?"

Sadie grabbed her breasts and shook them. “Positive. Rodney said his old lady had big tits. Remember?” With palms up, Sadie wriggled her fingers to indicate she wanted him to talk. “I'm prepared to stay here all night if that's what it takes."

Staring out the window at the children playing on the swings, Theo said, “I'll allow two questions. Then I want to go back to the cabin."

"Were you married and do you have children?"

"That's two questions. But because they're related, I'll allow it as one."

"Are you a judge?” Sadie asked. “You've made a few comments that make me think you're a judge or a lawyer."

"Is that one of your questions?"

"No. But I need to know because I have some questions unrelated to being a crosser."

"If you want legal advice regarding that lawsuit, I'm not going to make any comments."

"Do you think we have a chance?"

"Not if the judge knows you.” Theo smiled.

"We're going to talk more about this later."

"I don't think so,” Theo responded with a slow shake of his head.

Theo and Sadie turned to watch a procession of cyclists ride past the van. Sadie grinned broadly and waved as one of the cyclists recognized her and shouted a greeting.

"I need sound legal advice. Maybe you're not intelligent enough to help me."

"I beg to differ. And quit using reverse psychology. It won't work."

Setting her lime crystal earrings in motion as she sat forward, Sadie said, “Tell me about your family. The more I know, the easier it will be to help you."

"I don't need your help. I've already made my declaration. I'm going to the parallel world.” Theo held his hand up. “Before you ask, it's none of your business why I've chosen to go there."

"What if I ask that as one of my questions?"

"I don't think you will. There are too many other things you'd rather know, so think before you ask."

He placed the briefcase on the seat and turned to face Sadie. “I didn't marry until later in life. My wife had two children from a previous marriage. They became the scourge of my existence. So did my wife. From the day they entered my home, my life became a living hell.” Theo turned to watch a child spin the merry-go-round. “This past year I actually considered divorce. They had nearly drained me financially, but then something happened that made it impossible for me to divorce her."

Sadie drew in a quick breath.

Theo held up his hand in warning. “You have one question left. If you ask the correct question, it will answer the others."

"I'd like to know what happened so you couldn't divorce her. I'd also like to know how you died. That's more a curiosity question, so I guess that's not important."

"Like I said, if you ask the correct question, you'll have the answers."

Tilting her head upward, Sadie closed her eyes and tried to paint a mental roadmap of what Theo had told her over the past ten days. Her first impressions clouded the image. “You haven't given me any clues so I have to go with my gut. What little I know about you leads me to believe I know the correct question."

"Get on with it,” Theo said. “I'd prefer not to stay here all night."

Sadie tapped her teeth against the tip of her violet fingernail and took a deep breath. “What's in the briefcase?"