Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home

Some Important Pompous Advice to Couples about to Get Pregnant

Getting pregnant is an extremely major thing to do, especially for the woman, because she has to become huge and bloated and wear garments the size of café awnings. This is the woman’s job, and it is a tradition dating back thousands of years to a time when men were not available for having babies because they had to stand outside the cave night and day to fend off mastodons.

Of course, there is very little mastodon-fending to be done these days, but men still manage to keep themselves busy, what with buying tires and all. So it is still pretty much the traditional role of the woman to get pregnant and go through labor and have the baby and feed it and nurture it up until it is old enough to throw a football with reasonable accuracy.

In recent years, however, men have become more involved in childbirth and child-rearing as part of a federally mandated national trend. Under the terms of this trend, men are beginning to see that they can free themselves from the restrictions of their self-made macho prisons and allow themselves to show their emotions openly—to laugh, to cry, to love, to just generally behave like certified wimps. What this means to you males is that if you get a female pregnant, you are now expected to behave in an extremely sensitive manner and watch the baby come out. I will explain how to do this later.

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don’t have the vaguest idea what you’re doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you’re reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book. So I think you should start off with the quiz below to test your knowledge of important baby facts.

Quiz for Young Couples Who Want to Have a Baby and Who Clearly Have No Idea What They’re Getting Into

1. HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU ESTIMATE THAT A BABY’S DIAPER MUST BE CHANGED BEFORE THE BABY BECOMES TOILET TRAINED?

a. One million billion jillion.

b. One skillion hillion drillion gazillion.

C. Many babies never become toilet trained.

2. WHAT IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU CAN IMAGINE THAT A BABY MIGHT DELIBERATELY PUT INTO ITS MOUTH?

a. A slime-covered slug.

b. A slime-covered slug that has just thrown up all over itself.

c. A slime-covered slug that has just thrown up all over itself because it has fallen into a vat of toxic sewage.

3. WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO TAKE A BABY TO A NICE RESTAURANT?

a. During a fire.

b. On Easygoing Deaf People’s Night.

c. After the baby has graduated from medical school.

4. WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR TWO-MONTH-OLD BABY IS SCREAMING IN AN AIRPLANE AND REFUSES TO SHUT UP AND IS CLEARLY DISTURBING THE OTHER PASSENGERS?

A. Summon the stewardess and say: “Stewardess, whose baby is this?”

b. Summon the stewardess and say: “Stewardess, this baby is very interested in aviation. Please take it up and show it around the cockpit for the duration of the flight.”

c. Summon the stewardess and say: “Stewardess, please inform the captain that this infant has just handed me a note in which it threatens to continue crying unless it is taken to Havana immediately.”

HOW TO SCORE: Give yourself one point for each question you answered. If you scored three or higher, you are very serious about this, and you might as well go ahead and have a baby. If you scored two or lower, you either aren’t really interested in having a baby, or you have the I.Q. of a tree stump. In either case, you should read the section on birth control.

Those of you who are going to have babies should skip the sections on birth control, because they contain many sexually explicit terms, such as “rooster.” You can go directly to the section, “How Much Does It Cost to Have a Baby?”.

Male Birth Control

To understand the problems involved in birth control, let’s look at this quotation from the excellent 1962 medical reference work Where Do Babies Come From?, which I purchased from a nurse at a yard sale:

“The way the rooster gets his sperm inside the hen, to fertilize her egg, is very strange to us.”

The problem with this quotation, of course, is that it suggests we have given a great deal of thought to the question of how to get sperm inside a chicken. But it does bring up the basic issue in birth control, which is to avoid fertilization you somehow have to keep the male sperm away from the female egg. This is not easy, because men contain absurd quantities of sperm, produced by the same hormone that causes them to take league softball seriously.

The most effective method of birth control for males is the one where, just when the male and the female are about to engage in sex, the friends of the male burst out of the bushes and yell and jump up and down on the bumper and spray shaving cream all over the car. The problem is that this method is pretty much limited to teenage males. Another popular form of teenage birth control is the condom, which the male uses by placing it in his wallet and carrying it around for four years and pulling it out to show his friends in the Dairy Queen parking lot.

The Condom Lady

When I was a teenage male, it was very difficult to obtain condoms, because you had to buy them at the drugstore from the Condom Lady, who was about 65 and looked like your grandmother only more moral. She had a photographic memory so she knew exactly who you were, and as soon as you left the store, she would dial a special number that would connect her with a gigantic loudspeaker system so she could announce to your parents and your teachers and everybody in your church or synagogue and people on the street that you had just bought condoms. Now they sell condoms right out in the open on display racks, just like breath mints or something, and the Condom Lady has switched over to selling Penthouse magazine to middle-aged businessmen at the airport.

For older males, the most effective form of birth control is the vasectomy, which is a simple surgical procedure that can be done right in your doctor’s office. Notice I say your doctor’s office. I myself would insist on having it done at the Mayo Clinic surrounded by a team of several dozen crackerjack surgeons and leaders of all the world’s major religious groups. I don’t take any chances with so-called minor surgical procedures, because the last one I had was when the dentist took my wisdom teeth out, and subsequently I almost bled to death in the carpet department at Sears.

The way I understand it, what happens in a vasectomy is they tie some kind of medical knot in the male conduit so the sperm can’t get through. Of course, this leads to the obvious question, which is: Won’t the sperm back up? Will these poor pathetic males someday explode like water balloons, spewing sperm all over and possibly ruining an important sales presentation? I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question before the public becomes needlessly alarmed.

Female Birth Control

Female birth control is much more complicated, because once sperm are safely inside a female, they become very aggressive. They barge up and down the various feminine tubes and canals, hooting and whistling, until they locate the egg. Then they strike up a conversation, feigning great interest in the egg’s personality, but actually looking for the first opportunity to penetrate.

There is no absolutely foolproof way to stop this fertilization process. The old wives’ tale, of course, is that a female could avoid getting pregnant by not having sex, but this was disproved by a recent experiment in which Harvard University biologists placed 50 old wives in a locked condominium for two years, and 35 percent of them got pregnant anyway merely by looking at pictures of Raymond Burr.

But there are things that a woman can do. She can insert one of the many feminine insertion devices shaped like alien space vehicles, which are designed to scare the sperm into stampeding right back out the vestibule. Or she can take the pill, which messes with her hormones in such a way that her body gets fooled into thinking it is already pregnant. The egg gets all bloated and starts to feel weepy and nauseous in the morning, and when it comes clomping down the fallopian tubes, the sperm all go stampeding right back out the vestibule.

What the public is eagerly awaiting, of course, is a birth-control pill for males. If you ever see members of the public gathering in eager little knots, that’s what they’re waiting for. The male medical establishment has been assuring us for years that such a pill is right around the corner. “Believe us,” they say, “there’s nothing we’d rather do than come up with a pill that messes with our hormones, so we can take this burden from the women, who have been unfairly forced to bear it for far too long. In fact, we’d probably finish developing the male birth-control pill tonight, but we have to play league softball.”

How Much Does It Cost to Have a Baby?

In primitive times, having a baby was very inexpensive. When women were ready to give birth, they simply went off and squatted in a field; this cost nothing except for a nominal field-rental charge. Today, of course, the medical profession prefers that you have your baby in a hospital, because only there can doctors, thanks to the many advances in medical equipment and techniques, receive large sums of money.

It is difficult to predict exactly what the doctor’s bill for your pregnancy will be, because every situation is different. If your doctor’s Mercedes-Benz is running well, he may charge you as little as $2,000; if there are complications, such as that he has been hearing a little ticking sound in the transmission lately, then he may be forced to charge you much more. It is a good idea to “shop around” before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.

The Cost of Everything After the Baby Is Born Right Up Until It Goes to College or, God Help You, Graduate School

Again, it is very hard to be specific here, largely because I haven’t done any research. In my own case, I estimate that the cost of raising our son, Robert, to age three, which is where he is at the moment, breaks down as follows:

Little metal cars—$13,000

Everything else—$4,000

If we extrapolate this out for the next 18 years, assuming that inflation continues, and that we don’t have a nuclear war, which would pretty much render the point moot, we can conclude that in the long term a child can cost just scads of money. Maybe you should go back and read the section on birth control.

Should the Woman Quit Her Job to Have a Baby?

The advantage of quitting your job is that if you want to, you can make a really nasty speech to your boss, right in front of everybody, where you tell him he’s incompetent and has the worst case of bodily odor in the annals of medicine. The disadvantage is that you’ll lose your income, which means for the next eight or nine years the only new article of clothing you will be able to afford for yourself will be dress shields.

The advantage of keeping your job is that you will be able to stand around the Xerox machine for a couple of months showing pictures of your child to your co-workers, who will ooh and ahh even though very young infants tend to look like unwashed fruit.

What About Insurance?

Don’t worry. Your insurance needs will automatically be taken care of by squadrons of insurance salesmen, who can detect a pregnant woman up to 11 miles away on a calm day, and who will show up at your house carrying sleeping bags and enough freeze-dried food to enable them to stay for weeks if necessary.

The Intangible Benefits

Of course, you can’t reduce children to mere dollars and cents. There are many intangible benefits, by which I mean benefits that, when coupled with 50 cents, will buy you a cup of coffee.

For example, I know a person named Michael, who, although he does not personally own any children, once got a major benefit from his five-year-old nephew. What happened was they were at this big open-air concert in Boston to celebrate the Bicentennial, and when it was over the crowd was enormous and it looked as though they’d never get out. So Michael held his nephew aloft and yelled, “Sick child! Sick child! Make way!” loud enough so nobody could hear the nephew saying, “I’m not sick, Uncle Mike.” And the crowd made way, which meant Mike got home hours sooner than he would have otherwise.

So there is an example of a person getting a large intangible benefit from a child, and it wasn’t even technically his child. Also, you can get terrific tax deductions for children. Of course, the same can be said for insulation, but you’d look like an idiot, waving insulation aloft at an outdoor concert.