Before We Fall

Chapter Twenty-Five

Dominic

Jacey slips out of the bathroom before I can stop her.

Quickly, I follow her, winding my way through the crowded room, only to find no sign of her in the long hallway. I almost run through the house, through the people, until I’m standing in the middle of a mass of parked cars. I’m just in time to see Jacey drive away.

I know I should let her go.

But I’m too selfish for that.

I head for my car, and within a minute I’m on the road behind her. My Porsche catches up to her. I motion for her to pull over, but she doesn’t. I can see her crying; I can see the black streaks of mascara running down her cheeks. I motion again, but she refuses. She won’t even look at me.

Gunning my engine, I pull in front of her, forcing her off the road. We’re in a secluded section of Sin’s neighborhood. She kills her engine and gets out of her car, glaring at me angrily.

“What the fuck are you doing, Dominic? I would have thought you’d figure out that if I left, then it means I’m done. But just in case, this is me saying no. No to you, no to your fucked-up life, no to doing anything else with you tonight. Got it?”

Her words instill panic in me, and I don’t know why. All I know is that the thought of her driving away from me, leaving me… I can’t take it. Suddenly, the thought of it is crushing.

I grab her arm. “No. I don’t accept that answer.”

“Why?” Jacey demands. It’s raining now. The rain hits her face and gleams under the streetlight. “You’ve always said that no means no. You don’t have many rules, but at least you have that one. You never wanted me, Dominic. You want a dead woman, and since you can’t have her, you wanted a game. I played it. And now I’m done with it.”

She pulls away and stomps toward her car, but I grab her again, whirling her around and pulling her to me.

“It’s not a game. I meant it when I said I’m fucked up. But I mean it when I say that I don’t want it to be over, too. Whatever it is… you and I… whatever we’re doing. I don’t want it to be over, Jacey. I’m not ready.”

She stares at me in astonishment, her gorgeous face shocked.

“So you want me to hang around until you’re finally ready for it to be over? Until you’re done with me? You want me to end up like Kira… a sniveling wreck on the floor of a bathroom? No thanks, Dom. That’s not me. Not anymore. I’ve been a work in progress for quite a while, and I guess I can finally see that I deserve more than that. I’m worth more than that.”

I swallow hard, a thick lump in my throat, and I’m not sure why it’s there.

“Kira isn’t my fault,” I tell her wildly. “I’ve told her from the beginning what I can offer her. And she wanted to be with me, anyway. She’s always known. She knows me, Jacey. She’s always known me.”

“Just like I know you, Dom,” Jacey says in resignation. “This isn’t about Kira. This is about me and how I know that you’ll hurt me. I know that even though I don’t want to fall for you, I already have. I can’t make it worse now. I just can’t. I have to be strong enough to walk away. You’ve told me all along that you aren’t good for me. And guess what? You’re not.”

Her words cause my stomach to tie into a knot. I know I’m not good for her. I’m not good for anyone, but for her, for Jacey, I want to be.

If I lose her, I don’t know what I’ll do.

“Jacey,” I continue, trying to make my voice steady, “I don’t know what I can offer you. But I’ll try to offer you something more than… this. I know you deserve more. Trust me, I know that. You’re different from everyone I know. You’re a breath of fresh air, and I just want to keep breathing you in. That’s a big thing for me, you have no idea.”

“You don’t know what you can offer me?” she asks slowly, her brown eyes pained as she stares at me. “How about… yourself? Offer me yourself and I’ll stay. But I want all of you. I want a real relationship. I want you and your problems and the truth and the ugliness. I need to know all of it. Can you do that?”

Can I?

The idea of telling Jacey everything causes my heart to pound, and I see horrific images in my head. They blur together… Emma’s cold hands, her pale face, the blood. The lights from the ambulance. The blood. Her headstone. My guilt. The blood.

I close my eyes for a minute, and behind my lids it’s red from the blood that I can’t stop seeing. I open them helplessly and I can’t say anything. I can’t get my tongue to work.

All I can do is grab Jacey and pull her to me, forcing her lips to my own. Hers are soft and yielding, kissing me back for just a second until she pulls away. When she does, there are tears streaking down her face again, falling in black rivulets down her cheeks, mixing with the rain.

“I didn’t think so,” she says softly when I don’t say anything. “Answer me one question, Dominic. And be honest. For once, please, just be completely, brutally honest.” She swallows hard, her hands clenched, and looks me in the eye.

“Are you still in love with Emma? Yes or no?”

She might as well have hit me with a Mack Truck. I stare at her, silent, trying to figure out how to explain.

“It’s not that simple,” I say helplessly. But she shakes her head.

“It’s a yes or no answer, Dom. You taught me this game. Are you still in love with Emma? Yes or no?”

She stares at me, waiting. From the look in her eyes I can tell she’s wavering between wanting to know and being afraid to know.

“Yes or no?” she whispers.

I draw in a shaky breath. “Yes.”

Her breath exhales in a feathery hiss and she shoves her hair out of her eyes with shaking fingers.

“The word yes has never hurt so much.” Her voice is a whisper, so soft I can barely hear it. I reach for her, but she shrugs away, out of my reach.

She walks away, her shoulders slumped as she gets into her car and drives off.

I stand in the rain for what seems like forever, watching as her taillights disappear into the rain, and the night swallows up her car.

I stand there and let the rain run into my eyes until I can no longer see.

Until I can no longer see that she left me.

When I get into my car, I’m empty inside, more empty and numb than I’ve been in years. Emptier than I’ve ever felt before.

There’s only one place I can think of to go, one place that will absorb my pain. As I pass through the gates of Mount Olivet Catholic Cemetery, the darkness surrounds me, and I feel a sense of comfort… of familiarity.

I haven’t been here in years, but I find Emma’s headstone easily. I go straight to it. It’s easy to see. Her parents bought an enormous white marble stone encircled by the wings of an angel.

I kneel in front of it and trace her name under my fingers.

Emma Brandt.

She was no angel, but I loved her anyway. Her stone is cold to the touch… as cold as ice, as cold as my heart. I think of Sin’s song.

Your heart is cold, cold as ice, but it’s mine to take.

My heart is cold as ice. It will stay that way… because of Emma. I curl up in front of her name and lie with my cheek against the stone, staring into the night.

She wrecked me. She might as well have me.

I’m not fit for anyone else.

In a while, it starts to rain again, a light, cold rain that soaks into my clothes and lingers on my skin. I don’t even care, and honestly, I barely notice. It can’t wash away who I am, what I’ve done, or who I’ve been. I fall asleep listening to the rain falling on Emma’s stone.

When I open my eyes again, it’s morning.

My clothes are wet and my throat is raspy since I breathed damp night air all night long. I sit up and look around, ignoring the odd looks from a cemetery worker. He goes back to weeding a flower bed, but still glances at me every now and then, probably wondering if I’m crazy. I should save him the trouble and just tell him that I am.

I check my phone and find ten messages from Tally. Because, fuck, I missed my flight home. I should be on-set right now. I sigh and climb back into my car.

Everything seems like it’s falling apart and I don’t know how to stop it. This is the reason I’m carefully detached, always. I’m cool and calm and collected and I do the things I need to do. Always. I do it so that I don’t fall apart.

But now there’s Jacey.

And nothing is the same as it was before.

Jacey

I can’t see through the tears streaming down my cheeks. They’re hot and salty and drip onto my clothes.

I pick up the phone and dial Maddy’s number, wanting to cry on her shoulder, to get her sage advice, but her voicemail picks up.

I wait, then try again a few minutes later, but still no answer.

I drive aimlessly until I realize where I’m headed.

Brand.

I shake my head. Of course I’m headed for Brand. It’s what I always do when I need help or when I need comforting.

I know I shouldn’t run to him anymore because he wants to comfort me in ways that I don’t want. He wants to be with me. For real.

But I can’t think of anything but Dominic. My heart hurts in such a way that it’s almost blinding. It’s all I can feel.

I pull up out front of his condo building and almost sprint for his door. When I reach it, I’m out of breath, my makeup is smeared, and I’m a sniveling wreck. He answers the door, shirtless and in workout shorts, and stares at me.

“What the hell, Jacey?” he asks quickly, pulling me inside. “What happened? Are you all right?”

I nod, then shake my head, then drop onto his sofa and cry. He sits next to me awkwardly, patting my back with his giant hands.

“Tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” he tells me helplessly. “Did he hurt you? I’ll fucking kick his teeth in if he did.”

I shake my head, then nod.

“But not how you think,” I add quickly when Brand immediately starts to get up. With his military background, whenever he hears the word hurt, he automatically assumes it’s in a physical way. “He didn’t lay a finger on me.”

Brand pauses, then stares down at me with confusion in his blue eyes.

“Then what did he do?” he asks hesitantly.

I drop my face into my hands, taking a moment to catch my breath.

“He obliterated me,” I say limply.

I curl onto my side, burying my face into the sofa cushions, and sob. I cry for all the things I can’t say, the things I can’t put into words. How Dominic is so haunted and damaged, and how I thought I could help him by showing him that people are good. That not everyone will hurt him. How I can’t make him see that. How he makes me feel so alive and so sexy, yet at the same time, he must be so toxic for me… because right now I’m empty and it’s because of him.

I cry for all of this.

For all of these things that Brand doesn’t know.

Regardless, he stays next to me, patting me, soothing me. And he stays that way, just letting me cry until I can’t cry anymore. He does what Brand always does… makes me feel better just by being here for me.

When I finally sit up, my eyes are hot and tired.

“What did he do?” Brand asks calmly, his gaze level and strong. “Tell me.”

“He told me from the beginning not to get attached to him,” I admit. “But I did anyway. He told me, Brand. It wasn’t his fault. I guess, deep down, I thought I could fix him somehow. He’s got issues. His girlfriend died and he still loves her and it’s just a messed up ball of shit.”

Brand stares at me sympathetically.

“Jace, you should know by now that you can’t fix anyone. And if his girlfriend died… well, it’s hard to say how that will affect him. Grief does strange things to people.”

“But it was six years ago,” I tell him. “Dominic blames himself for some fucked-up reason. I don’t know why, because he won’t say.”

Brand stares at me, and something flickers in his eyes. I’ve seen him look that way before, haunted and sad. But then he hides it and shrugs.

“If he won’t say, then maybe he should blame himself. Maybe it is his fault,” he suggests softly.

“I doubt it,” I mutter. But then I see Brand’s face, and his soft gaze, and I’m reminded once again of the truth.

For him, I’m no longer his little sister. His feelings for me have grown. I can’t cry to him anymore about my issues with men. Not when he’s in love with me.

God. Why did I come here? My heart squeezes in my chest and I reach for Brand’s hands.

“Brand, I’m sorry to unload on you like this. It isn’t fair now that I know how you feel…”

My voice trails off like the dumbass I am. But Brand levels a stare at me.

“How do I feel?” he asks quietly. He’s hesitant and nervous and appalled. If I tried to lie, it would be an insult to him.

“I can see how you feel about me,” I say limply. “I’m sorry, Brand. I wish I felt the same way. You’re the best person I know. It’s why I always come to you, because you’re so fucking amazing. I wish that I loved you like you want me to.”

He flushes, the first time I’ve ever seen him flush.

“It’s okay,” he says quietly. “It’s my issue to deal with, not yours. It’s not your fault that things changed for me and not for you. I’ll get a handle on it. We won’t change, Jace.”

I stare at him, at the goodness in his eyes and his heart. Brand is just so… good. Through and through. All along, I’ve been chasing what’s bad for me when maybe the very best thing for me has been in front of me all along.

On impulse, I lean over and kiss him. On the mouth.

He kisses me back. For one split second. Then he pulls away. I try to cling to him, but he pushes me away.

“Make me feel better, Brand,” I murmur pleadingly. “Please.”

Brand glares at me as he takes a deep breath.

“Jesus, Jacey. Give me a second.”

He pulls himself under control as I breathe harshly on the opposite end of the sofa. He finally turns and looks at me, and there is pain in his eyes.

“You don’t want me,” he says pointedly. “Not really. I know that and you know that. You want Dominic Kinkaide, but you can’t have him, so you want to use me to fill up the rejection that you feel. It’s not fair, Jace. Not to me and not to you.”

He’s breathing hard as he watches me, as he waits for my reaction. I close my eyes and he continues.

“This is what you always do, Jacey. You’ve done it since you were a teenager. I’ve stood by and watched it. Your dad was never home, he never cared, and you sought out that acceptance and approval for years from random guys. And when you’re rejected, you run straight to the next guy. But you can’t do that anymore.”

I choke on my tears because I know he’s right. Because I know it and because that’s exactly what my therapist told me. It’s humiliating and true and horrible.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I mumble before I start crying again. “I’m a horrible, weak person. I’m sorry if I led you on, Brand. I didn’t mean to. I love you. You’re like my brother, and I can’t stand the thought of being without you.”

Brand pulls me into his arms again, pulling me to his chest where I hide my face. I try to ignore the fact that my chest is pushed against him. I’d never have worried about that before, and I hate it that I think of it now.

“First, you’ll never be without me. Not ever. Got it?” Brand stares down at me, his eyes stern. I nod.

“And second, you’re not horrible. You’re beautiful and strong. And what’s more, you’ve pretty much got this shit figured out. You chose to walk away from Dominic because he can’t be what you need. That’s half the battle, Jacey. Now all you’ve got to do is figure out how to stop running to a new guy to make you feel better. You don’t need their acceptance, Jacey. You’re strong enough to deal with things on your own.”

I snivel into his shirt, breathing in his familiar cologne.

“I don’t think I am.” I sigh. “I don’t feel strong. Ever since Jared… did what he did, I’ve tried not to be weak. I’ve tried to change, but I’m starting to think it’s impossible. At least for me. Because against my better judgment, I fell for Dominic, Brand. I knew better, and I did it anyway. And he was the worst possible person for me to fall for.”

“But you walked away, Jacey. That’s huge.”

“Yeah,” I mumble. “And I came here and tried to force myself on you instead.”

Brand’s chest rumbles as he speaks with a voice that has always had the power to soothe me, even now when he’s in love with me and I’m crying to him about another guy.

“You want to know what your grandma told me once?” he asks, and I raise my head.

“My Gran?”

Brand nods. “Yeah. It was one summer when I was staying at their lake house with you. She and I were down by the lake and I was upset over some girl… she’d broken up with me and I thought that the world was ending. I told her that I was never going to love anyone else again, because falling in love was the dumbest thing in the world because it hurt so much.”

I have to smile, because I can practically see teenage Brand saying that. Brand is and always was a one hundred percent in or out kind of guy. “What did Gran say?”

“Your grandma was the wisest person I ever knew.” He nods. “She looked at me and she said, ‘Branden, the best things in life are worth the greatest risk. Falling in love is one of those things. Can it break our hearts? Yes. Most definitely. But more often than not, before we fall, we fly’.”

“What the heck did that mean?” I ask in confusion. Brand nods again.

“That’s exactly what I asked her. It didn’t make any sense. But then she explained and it was perfect. She said we’re like birds who leap from trees for the first time, terrified that they’re going to crash and die on the ground below. The bird will almost always fly before it falls to its death. So too will we, and so we shouldn’t be afraid to do the things that will bring us the greatest reward… like falling in love.”

“But what if we fall in love with the wrong people?” I stammer. “Because I’ve done that a hundred times, and each time I’ve gotten hurt or hurt someone else. I’m tired of doing that. How many times do we have to fall before we finally fly?”

Brand shakes his head and grins wryly. “I didn’t ask your Gran that.”

I shake my head, but Brand lifts my chin with his finger. “It might take several failures, but eventually it will happen. I don’t know if it will happen with this guy or not, but you’ll learn something from each failed attempt. So at least there’s that.”

I can’t help but stare at him. “I’m not sure that’s comforting.”

Brand chuckles. “I know. And that’s actually what I thought back when your Gran had this discussion with me in the first place. But just think on it, and after you do, you’ll see that what she said is true. Before you fall, you’ll fly, Jacey. Whether it’s now or later, it’ll happen. I promise.”

“I just hope it happens before my wings get broken,” I mutter, curling up on his chest. He chuckles softly and pats my back. I rest that way for a while longer before I sit up and straighten my clothes.

“I’m sorry, Brand,” I tell him, looking him in the eye. “I’m sorry that I always run to you. That you always have to pick me up and put me back together. I’m sorry that it seems like I use you. I don’t mean to. It’s just that… deep down, I always feel like I’m not good enough. And you always make me feel like I am. But I’m going to stop depending on you to remind me of that. I’m going to have to remind myself.”

Brand bends forward and presses his lips to my forehead.

“Just be you, Jacey. You are always good enough and then some. You really have come a long way since everything happened with Jared. Just keep it up. Tonight was just a tiny slipup. You came to me because I’m familiar. That’s all. You’re doing great.”

I can’t help but smile as I get up and walk out. Pausing in the doorway, I look back.

“Thank you. You’ll never know how much I love you.”

Brand smiles, but I can see the sadness in it.

“Don’t worry,” he tells me easily in his Brand-like way. “I know. I love you too, but I’m going to need some space for a while, Jace. I’m going to pull my head together and sort this out so that I love you the way I should… the way you love me. I’m always here for you if you need me, but try not to need me for a while, OK?”

I nod as my heart swells in my throat at the thought of how I have accidentally hurt one of the people I love most in the world.

“OK,” I agree. “I’ll give you space. I’m sorry, Brand.”

I feel utterly sad as I walk out to my car, but I have to admit that I feel stronger. Being with Brand always makes me feel stronger. He knows me. He’s always known me. There’s comfort in familiarity like that. I hate that I can’t give him what he needs, and in a weird way, that only makes me feel closer to Dom.

Because I know how he feels.

He can’t give me what I need, either.

Sighing, I blink my tears away and drive into the night.