Blood Loss

34

Ren’s heart was pounding.

I could do without the complication.

‘But … why did she leave?’ said Ren. ‘What did she say? Do you mind if I ask?’

‘Are you surprised that she left?’ said Paul. ‘Really?’

Yes. Kind of. No. ‘Yes,’ said Ren.

Paul laughed.

‘I can’t believe you laughed at that,’ said Ren. ‘I am surprised. But … I suppose … maybe … I will now stop speaking.’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Paul. ‘I’m not in total denial. I know the kind of husband I was. I love Marianne because she is the mother of my children. I don’t know in the end if I loved her as, you know, my lover. And … well, I guess she found someone who did.’

No-one should use the word lover. ‘Oh …’ said Ren.

‘Yes,’ said Paul. ‘She met a man who is my polar opposite. Hurtfully so, if I’m honest.’

‘I’m curious as to what you consider your polar opposite,’ said Ren.

‘Someone attentive,’ said Paul. ‘Someone relaxed, fun, loving, optimistic.’

‘There’s a barman in Gaffney’s who calls that kind of talk “hindshite”,’ said Ren. ‘Hindshite: looking back on things and distorting them, seeing everything in a negative way. I understand how everything looks like crap right now, because you’re going through something terrible. But there is no way Marianne got married and had two beautiful daughters with a man she thought was inattentive, uptight, or boring.’

Paul shrugged.

‘I don’t buy that,’ said Ren. ‘If this new man’s all that-’

‘He is,’ said Paul. ‘I swear to God. I have no problem with the guy. Can you believe that?’

‘He had an affair with your wife,’ said Ren.

‘Nope, that’s the kind of stand-up guy he is,’ said Paul. ‘He fell in love with my wife. And respected her too much to destroy her marriage, and our girls’ lives, and all the rest of it. So he walked away. He told her if she ever changed her mind, she knew where to find him. This was two years ago. He waited for her all that time.’

‘Wow,’ said Ren.

‘And Lord knows, she tried to make it work with us,’ said Paul. ‘I can see that now …’

‘Do you think she still wants to make it work?’ said Ren.

Silence. ‘I don’t know,’ he said, eventually.

‘Hmm,’ said Ren. ‘Maybe leaving you was a cry for help. Terrible expression, but you get the idea.’

‘I’m in no position to help anyone,’ said Paul.

‘Are they living together?’ said Ren.

‘No.’

‘Has he met the girls?’ said Ren.

‘No. She’s not ready for that.’

‘Well, that could be a good sign,’ said Ren. ‘I’m so sorry to hear all this. None of it sounds easy. How are you feeling?’

‘I don’t think I want her to keep trying …’ said Paul. ‘I think … I think it’s been over a long time.’

Ren poured more wine. ‘I’ll be the wine guy,’ she said.

‘Stick to what you know best,’ said Paul.

Ren laughed.

‘You are a master side-stepper …’ said Paul.

‘What am I side-stepping?’ said Ren. Apart from the I-don’t-think-I-want-her-to-keep-trying-so-I’m-finally-available thing that we both know I’m side-stepping.

‘Not a thing,’ said Paul.

Good.

Paul smiled. ‘Remember that night at the sexual assault convention …’

‘OK, if anyone overheard just that part of the conversation …’

Paul laughed, then stopped. ‘I don’t know what’s happened to me,’ he said. ‘It’s like my own laughter is an alien sound.’

‘Your laughter is an alien sound,’ said Ren.

‘Why didn’t you reply to my emails after the last time in Breck?’ said Paul. He had locked eyes with her.

Please refrain from staring at the animals. ‘I … I don’t know,’ said Ren. ‘I’ve … been busy.’

Paul nodded. ‘So I believe, you cartel queen.’

‘Domenica Val Pando was the cartel queen, I was just the-’

‘Agent of her downfall.’

‘I like it,’ said Ren.

He glanced at the second bottle of wine Ren had ordered. ‘I suspect you’ll be the agent of my downfall too.’

At one a.m., Paul Louderback and Ren Bryce stood in the small foyer of the restaurant, sandwiched between two glass doors, looking out at the snow. He helped her into her coat. She buttoned the huge collar under her chin.

‘Look,’ said Ren, pressing a finger against the glass door. ‘Here’s our cab.’

She turned around to him. ‘Thank you so much for dinner.’

‘Thank you,’ said Paul. He kissed her cheek. They hugged.

Ren went to pull away, but Paul’s hand was still pressed against her lower back. She leaned away from him, and looked up.

‘It was just what I needed,’ said Paul.

Stop looking into my eyes. ‘Sure,’ said Ren. ‘My invaluable insight into relationships.’

‘You’re not as bad as you think,’ said Paul. ‘Although, you were wrong about one thing.’

‘Highly unlikely,’ said Ren. ‘What?’

‘Well … not everything looks crap right now.’

No. No. No. In a strange cross-purposes move, he released his hold, and started kissing her. It was the most extraordinarily intimate kiss Ren had ever experienced. She could not have pulled away quick enough. She reached behind her for the door, and staggered back against it.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Let’s go. Thanks.’

‘Sure,’ said Paul. He held the door open for her. She banged her elbow off of it on the way out.

Ren slumped into the back of the cab. Paul sat in front with the driver.

I’ll laugh or joke with yo’ man, but I don’t want him. He’s all yours. I think I make that clear. I’ve never taken anyone’s man. She let out a breath.

Her cell phone vibrated. Two messages.

The first was from Paul: R u OK?

She looked up. He was smiling at her in the rear-view mirror.

The second was from Ben: R u alive?

No/Barely.

She sent Yes to Paul. And nothing to Ben.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

And then she texted Paul Louderback one more time.

Paul Louderback sat on the edge of his bed. Ren stood in front of him.

‘Take off your clothes,’ he said. A slow, polite, Southern command.

Ren started with her black top, pulling it slowly over her head.

‘I was watching that pink strap all through dinner,’ he said.

And I was watching you watching it. ‘Really?’ said Ren.

‘Keep going,’ said Paul. His voice was firm.

Ren turned her back to him, and pulled the zip of her tight black skirt down, so he could see the cutaway of her pink low-ride lace shorts with the keyhole and the satin ribbon trim. She moved her hips twice until the skirt fell to the floor. She stepped out of it, and turned to face him.

‘Keep the shoes on,’ he said.

When Ren was naked, but for black patent high heels, Paul stood up in front of her, and started to pull off his tie.

Ren smiled. ‘Imagine if I said to you “keep the shoes on”.’

Paul laughed. ‘I’ve thought about this moment for a very long time, Ren. There’s pretty much nothing you could say that could possibly ruin it.’

Not even ‘what the fuck am I doing here?’ or ‘I have to go’ or ‘this will destroy our friendship’, or ‘I hate plaid boxers’?

Paul held his hands against Ren’s lower back, moved them lower, and pulled her gently toward him. He kissed her again, like before, but more.

Ren kissed him back.

I am going nowhere.

She kissed him harder.

I need to follow through.