Buddha's money

13

Since the Korean war, plumbing has come a long way. But in many areas of the country it's still primitive. People don't drink tap water, not unless they boil it first. Cold water service is provided almost everywhere, but hot-water heaters are still something few people in Korea can afford.

For bathing, people go to bathhouses. It's cheap and convenient and for many people somewhat of a social event.

Unlike the Japanese, Koreans don't take community baths. Women use one side of the bathhouse, men the other.

The Seven Luck Bathhouse was a long cement-block building painted powder blue. At the entrance sat a young woman nursing a baby.

The woman leaned back in fright when Ernie and I emerged from the rain. Her long bruised nipple popped out of the infant's moist mouth. Immediately, the child began to wail, grasping with its tiny claws until the mother regained her composure and managed to shove her breast back into the baby's greedy reach. All was quiet again.

"Kang Kuabu oddiso?" I asked. Where's the Widow Kang?

The woman glanced toward the entrance marked yoja. Women. "In there," she said.

Ernie understood and started to push through the swinging door. The young mother shouted. "Women only!" She pointed. "Men must enter on the other side."

Ernie looked back at her, smiled, then pushed on through into the steaming darkness.

I slapped two thousand won, about four bucks, onto the rickety table in front of her.

"Police business," I said. "It will only take a minute. Don't worry."

The woman's face was still crinkled with concern but she grabbed the wrinkled bills and slipped them into a pocket in her long dress.

I pushed through the women's entrance and felt the steam grab onto my face.

The bathhouse reeked of mint-scented lather. At first I couldn't see Ernie. But my eyes became accustomed to the darkness and I made out his shadow down the long hallway. As I stepped down the corridor I felt the spongy spring of wooden slats beneath my feet. The walls were made of cement, and in each large room, water spit freely from nozzles onto women in various stages of undress. They were all busy. Scrubbing themselves with pumice stones, shampooing hair in great billowing cathedrals of suds, or drying themselves carefully while seated on short wooden benches.

Up ahead, Ernie stopped at the entranceway to each room and peered in, studying something carefully. I caught up with him. He glanced back over his shoulder.

"Checking the whazoos," he said.

"What?"

"Whazoos. When I find breasts large enough, I'll know we've found Lady Ahn."

What an investigator.

The women inside the bathhouse were so preoccupied with their own cleanliness, none of them had noticed us yet. We moved down the hallway. At the end, we heard wood slapping on flesh and the voices of two women. Laughing.

As we approached the room at the end of the hall, the slapping became louder. So did the laughter.

Inside, two tall Korean women, completely naked, were beating one another with willow branches. Both had their hair knotted up inside of white towels. With each slap, the women laughed louder, and each slap was delivered with more fervor. More joy.

Ernie and I stood mesmerized.

He mumbled through wet lips. "The whazoos," he said. "I'd pick 'em out of any lineup."

Lady Ahn was built like Venus, only better. Her limbs were long and straight, hips round, waist narrow, breasts heavy and ripe. At the V between her legs, jet black pubic hair stood out straight and lush with no hint of curl.

The other woman wasn't bad looking either. A little older, a little thinner, not quite as tall. Fifi Kang. She had a right to be proud of her figure, too. Still, she looked skeletal compared to the ravishing Lady Ahn.

The two women twirled, still beating one another with the quivering twigs. I was worried they might actually cause bruises, even cuts, on their golden flesh. But their swats were practiced. The flicks of the wrist delivered with just the right amount of snap. It was clear they'd enjoyed this ritual before.

Finally, Fifi Kang stopped, standing perfectly still, her eyes wide. She lifted the white towel higher up on her forehead.

Lady Ahn, waiting for the next blow, turned when she didn't receive it. She saw Ernie and me standing in the doorway.

I was beginning to sweat. It was hot in here, and I felt like taking off my shirt. In fact, after soaking up the beauty of Lady Ahn, I felt like taking off my shirt and my pants and everything else.

The four of us stood frozen, staring into one another's eyes. Neither Fifi Kang nor Lady Ahn made any movement to cover their nakedness. I expected one of the women to scream. Instead, Fifi Kang raised her willow branch and rattled it at us.

"Dumb GI don't know this lady shower?" She waved the twig. 'You go man side. Not here."

I started to speak but instead of words coming out I just croaked. Lady Ahn had me more worked up than I realized. I tried it again and managed something slightly better than a squeak.

"We're here about the jade skull," I said.

Lady Ahn stepped backward. Fifi Kang continued to brandish her twig.

'You go back my shop. You look at jade there. Plenty of jade. You no bother lady in bathhouse."

Ernie stepped into the shower room. Keeping his back close to the wall, he leaned in and switched off the water.

"What you doing?" Fifi Kang said. 'You kara chogil" Get out of here!

Ernie grabbed her twig and held it. Fifi Kang struggled for a moment but stopped when she realized struggling was useless. Ernie gazed deep into her eyes.

"Answer the questions," he told her.

By now, people had started to realize that two men were in the women's bathhouse. Behind us, we heard footsteps, concerned chatter, shower spigots turning off.

"We want the jade skull," I said. "I know it's valuable, but we're willing to pay for it. Without it, a little girl in Seoul will be killed. She's already been hurt badly. You must help us save her life."

I pointed at Lady Ahn. "You knew about this, but still you ran away."

She turned away from me, angry now, over her shock, for the first time realizing her nakedness. She snatched a towel from a peg on the wall.

"Why you follow me?" she demanded. "Why you bother me? Why you don't leave me alone?"

"I can't." Not sure what I meant by that. Maybe something about the case. Maybe something else. "A little girl has been hurt. We heard her scream."

Ernie tilted the end of one of the benches, lifting it into the air. What the hell he was planning to do with it, I didn't know. Fifi Kang caught on quickly, however. Whatever it was that Ernie was planning wasn't going to be good.

"Okay," Fifi agreed. "We will talk. In my shop. You go outside wait. We get dressed."

"We'll wait here," Ernie said.

The smooth skin of Lady Ann's forehead crinkled in rage. She'd had enough. She stormed forward, straight-armed Ernie out of the way, and pounded out the door past me. I gazed after her in admiration. All by herself, almost naked, she was as imposing as a royal procession. Unstoppable.

Fifi Kang, like a lady-in-waiting, scurried after her, droplets of water spraying in her wake.

Ernie dropped the bench with a bang and he and I followed. Ahead, soft flesh wiggled.

The dressing room had a plastic drape slid across it, and Ernie and I waited as the two women dried themselves and got dressed.

Back at the entranceway, a door slammed. Gruff male voices barreled down the corridor. Boots pounded on planks.

Ernie glanced at me and lifted his eyebrows. I shrugged. Whoever it was, now that we'd gone to all the trouble of finding Lady Ahn, I wasn't leaving. Not until we obtained the jade skull.

The footsteps grew closer. From the cloud of steam, dark figures emerged. Khaki-clad. Visored caps. Nightsticks slapping at the seams of their trousers. The Korean National Police.

Maybe the girl at the Rising Phoenix antique shop had called them. Or maybe the young mother guarding the entranceway to the bathhouse. Whoever it was, it didn't matter now. The KNPs clearly had our number.

There were four of them, and they came to a halt a few feet in front of Ernie and me. The leader had a dark, mottled face, and his mouth was open, his eyes wide, staring up at me, amazed that two grown men would somehow make their way into a women's bathhouse. I spotted the insignia on his collar and read the engraved plate on the flap of his breast pocket. Lieutenant Ho. Central Precinct.

Ernie thrust his chest out, tugged up on the belt around his waist, and chomped loudly on his ginseng gum. The four policemen formed themselves into a semicircle around us, hands on the hilts of their nightsticks.

Lieutenant Ho jerked his thumb toward the front door. "Pak ei kal" he snarled. "Bali." Go outside. Quickly.

Ernie snorted. "No way, Charley. We're here on official police business."

Lieutenant Ho didn't understand but he knew Ernie wasn't planning on following his order. His face flushed red. "Jikum!" he shouted. Now!

Ernie laughed.

It was too much. One of the policemen stepped in and grabbed Ernie's elbow. As if he'd been raked by claws, Ernie spun, launched his knotted fist, and backhanded the cop up against the wall.

"Tangsin weikurei?" Lieutenant Ho shouted. What the hell's the matter with you?

All the policemen unsheathed their nightsticks.

I leapt in front of Ernie, fumbled in my pocket, pulled out my CID identification.

"Jom kanman," I said. Relax. "Uri Mipalkun honbyong." We're from Eighth Army.

I thrust the badge in front of me, waving it from side to side, as if it were a crucifix and I was trying to ward off a pack of vampires.

Lieutenant Ho clutched his nightstick, his knuckles turning white, his face burning crimson. Still, he somehow managed to control himself. He studied the badge carefully.

When he was finished, he gruffly told Ernie to show him his. Ernie bounced on the balls of his feet and puffed out his chest again, but I told him to cool it. Finally, he pulled out his badge and flashed it in front of Lieutenant Ho.

Lady Ahn and Fifi Kang stepped out into the hall. Both wore cutoffs and T-shirts and rubber thongs, routine garb for a trip to the bathhouse. Lieutenant Ho swiveled his attention to them.

"What is it with you?" he asked them angrily. "These two Americans, how do you know them? What are you doing with them?"

Lady Ahn stood taller and began to answer but the lieutenant cut her off, firing more questions at her. Ernie didn't like it. When he took a step forward, two of the policemen angled their nightsticks for a quick backhand to the skull if he came any closer. Ernie stopped, clicking furiously on his gum.

Lieutenant Ho was talking nonstop now, shouting, all his anger at not being able to arrest Ernie and me-at having his authority lessened in the eyes of his men; by foreigners yet! — focused now at the two women.

Fifi Kang fidgeted, smiled, and bowed, attempting to soothe the sputtering Lieutenant Ho. But Lady Ahn stood her ground, no longer even attempting to answer his questions, staring down imperiously at the furious policeman.

Lieutenant Ho was talking so rapidly I was having trouble following him, but I understood enough to see where he was heading. He was accusing the two women of consorting with foreigners, a crime if you're not a registered prostitute.

When Fifi Kang tried to explain that it was us who barged in on them, Lieutenant Ho shouted even louder. Finally, he barked out an order. The three other policemen slipped their nightsticks into their holders, stepped forward, and took Fifi Kang into custody.

It was more than Ernie could take. He shot forward like a Doberman on the attack and stood nose to nose with Lieutenant Ho.

"You can't do that!" he shouted. "They're our suspects. We found them and we're the ones who are going to interrogate them."

This was territorial for Ernie. He hunted down these women, they belonged to him.

The policemen started to drag Fifi toward the entranceway. Ernie grabbed her elbow and jerked her back.

There was no way shouting was going to solve this. The more Ernie embarrassed Lieutenant Ho, the less likely that the lieutenant would give in. I shoved Ernie against the wall and whispered urgently into his ear.

"Mellow out, pal. Let me try it my way."

When the first policeman reached for Lady Ahn, she slapped his hand. "Manji-jima!" she shouted. Don't touch me.

Fifi wiggled herself free from the policeman who was holding her and scurried over and embraced Lady Ahn.

"You'd better hurry," Ernie told me. "I'm about to knock me some KNP out."

I pulled out my badge again.

"We're here on official business," I said to Lieutenant Ho in Korean. "A case concerning the kidnapping of a child. A case that has the attention of the Eighth Army Commander and has the attention of your own Ministry of National Defense." I pointed toward Lady Ahn and the Widow Kang. "We must interrogate these two women. You are making that impossible."

Doubt flickered, for the first time, in Lieutenant Ho's eyes. Still, his face hardened.

"You interrogate them in prison."

Someone screeched behind me. A policeman. Four rivulets of blood ran down the side of his face. Fifi Kang stood in front of him, red nails bared. The injured policeman snapped open the holder of his nightstick and belted Fifi on the flesh of her arm. She screamed, and suddenly Ernie was in the middle of everything, windmilling one punch after another.

A KNP leapt on Ernie's back. Without thinking, I hopped forward and smashed the cop's head with a sharp left jab. He flopped to the ground like a sack of barley.

Another KNP came at me. I crouched and punched him in the stomach, and then I was shoved against a wall and I saw Ernie barreling toward the door, pushing the women in front of him.

Lieutenant Ho charged me with his nightstick. I hooked one of the wooden benches with my foot and slid it in front of him. The lieutenant crashed into it with his shins, howled, and slammed face-first onto the floor. As the other policemen started to close in, I picked up more of the short benches, tossing them into the narrow corridor, forming a barricade, and then I was backing out the door.

Through a curtain of rain, I saw Ernie and Fifi Kang and Lady Ahn disappearing down an alley. Ernie waved for me to follow.

I did. Sprinting at full speed.

We sloshed through the alleys, making dozens of hairpin turns, the heavy footsteps behind us gradually fading.

All four of us were breathing heavily when we finally stopped long enough to look back and catch our breath. Rainwater ran in rivulets down my face.

"We lost 'em," Ernie said.

"Great," I wheezed. "But for how long?"

Ernie caressed the raw knuckles of his right fist and grinned. "But it was worth it, wasn't it?"

I could never figure why he loved trouble so much. We were in deeper shit now than we had been since we first heard about this kidnapping two days ago, but Ernie seemed elated.

The two women seemed a lot more worried than Ernie.

"Bali wa," Fifi Kang said. Come on. "We go my hooch. Policemen no catchy up there."

"Yeah," I said. "You bet. Policemen no 'catchy up' there."

Ernie slapped me on the shoulder.

"You worry too much, George. Think positive." He pointed to the side of his skull. "That's the secret."

As we wound through the narrow pathways of Taejon, rain slamming down on our backs, Ernie offered the two women a stick of ginseng gum.

Fifi Kang accepted. Lady Ahn stared at him as if he were a piece of dragon dung. Even with her hair sopping wet, she looked regal. Ernie grinned sheepishly and stuck the gum back in his pocket.