Burial

35

Nathan was on his knees before the lavatory, shaking like a sick dog.

Holly walked in. She was topless in silky pyjama trousers. On them was a design: swallows and brambles and delicate spring flowers.

Her hair was a mess. It was 6 a.m.

She sat on the edge of the bath, gripping the sides. Waiting for Nathan to pull the flush, then turn and sit on the tiled floor, his back to the cold porcelain lavatory.

He said,'Did I wake you?'

'Is it the drinking?'

, 'No.'

'Are you ill ?'

'No.'

She softened. 'Then what is it?'

'I don't know. Stress.'

She reached out a bare foot and gave him a friendly nudge. He took the foot in his hand. He would have kissed its soft and tender Pole, had his mouth not been so rancid.

She said, 'Don't, my nails need doing.'

'Your nails are fine.'

She crossed her legs, still sitting on the edge of the bath, and lifted one foot so it was inches from her face. Quickly and efficiently, she inspected her nail varnish, toe by toe, then let go of her foot.

She said, 'You're a mess, aren't you? And nobody knows. Nobody knows what kind of mess you are, not even me.'

'That's not true.'

'Look at you.'

'I'm fine.'

'Right.'

'Really.'

'Are you going to tell me?'

'Tell you what?'

'What it is.'

'Yes.'

'Today? Now?'

I can't.

'I'm your wife.'

'I know.'

'I'm your friend.'

'I know.'

'You don't think you sleep. But you do. You make noises.'

'I'm sorry. I don't mean to.'

'Don't be sorry. What is it? What are you dreaming about?'

'I'll tell you.'

'When?'

'When I've sorted it.'

'When will that be?'

'Soon. Today.'

She considered it. 'Or we could take a day off,' she said. 'Catch a film. Go to London. Go to the zoo, maybe. Take a day trip. Go to the beach.'

He began to cry, because she was scared.

He sobbed into his knees. He said, 'I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.'

She climbed down from the edge of the bath and hugged him. Her breasts squashed against him. Her sleep-breath was sweet to him, the musk of her that was like no one else. His tears made wet the soft skin of her shoulder, the fine strong clavicle.

She rocked him, saying, 'Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry.'

Nathan took the morning off. He and Bob met in the village of Woolhope Ashbury. They walked through the little high street. The people around them were elderly, slow, retired.

At the edge of the village stood a Norman church: grey stone, simple geometries. Nathan and Bob wandered the graveyard. The stones leaned at crazy angles, green with lichen and rubbed smooth.

' All the names had gone from them. They wandered around like amateur local historians.

"' Nathan muttered, 'Do we even know she was Christian?' 'Doesn't matter.'

'It seems to matter to you.'

'Not at all. Look at that.' He was pointing to a yew tree that stood in one corner of the churchyard. It was an old and hideous thing. Four people, linking arms could not have encompassed its girth.

That tree's a thousand years old. And there would've been another tree, a thousand years old, on the same ground, before it. This church was built on ground sacred to the Druids. It's not the church which is sacred. It's the earth itself. You can feel it. It's like electricity.'

Nathan didn't feel anything, except thirsty.

Bob said, 'It's the ground that sanctifies the building. Not the other way round.'

'Fine. So we come here. In your car, not mine.'

'Why mine?'

'Company car. I can't get rid of it.'

'Fair enough. We'll bring mine.'

'So we leave Elise. Leave the note--'

Bob pointed to the nailed and banded double doors, restored in the nineteenth century and now polished with time.

'Right there.'

'And then it's done?'

'I hope so.'

On the way to work, Nathan called Jacki Hadley.

'Nathan? What is it? Is it Holly?'

'No. No, it's not Holly.'

'Is she okay?'

'She's fine. She doesn't even know I'm calling.'

'Okay.'

'Can we talk?'

He met her in a coppers' pub not far from the station. A few thickset men sat at the bar. A fruit machine flashed in the far corner. Nathan got the drinks - two Cokes with ice and a limp slice of lemon.

'So,' Jacki said. 'What's going on?'

'What's going on. I told you a lie.'

'What sort of lie?'

'When you questioned me.'

'About what?'

'Elise.'

Before his eyes, she became a police officer.

She waited.

Eventually, Nathan said, 'Bob Morrow and I - Bob Morrow's the man I was with--'

'That night. I remember.'

'Well. The statement I made. It wasn't completely true.'

'In what way?'

'Well. . .'

'Go on. It's all right.'

'Well, I said I'd stormed out of the party--'

'Because you'd seen your girlfriend dirty dancing with Mark Derbyshire and got jealous. Your girlfriend being Sarah Reed.'

'Sara. You remember this stuff?'

'I remember this stuff.'

'Anyway. So that's true enough: I saw Sara flirting with Mark, and I stormed off. I mean, I hated the bloke. Really hated him.'

'And...?'

- 'I told the police that Bob was driving home when he saw me by the side of the road. I was trying to walk into Sutton Down to find a taxicab.'

He made a scoffing noise at that, because in truth Sutton Down was the last place in the world to find such a thing.

Jacki said, 'So Bob pulls over, picks you up. You have a chat, love and life. He drives you back to the party. You have an argument with Sara--'

'Sara.'

'You try to hit Mark Derbyshire. You fall on your arse. Bob picks you up and drives you all the way home. So that's not true?'

'Well, it's kind of true.'

'How true?'

'It's essentially true. Bob did see me by the side of the road. He did pull over. We did a few lines, had a chat.'

'Love and life.'

'Love and life.'

'But...?'

'But when he saw me, he wasn't headed away from the party. He was heading back towards it.'

She took this in.

'Where did he say he'd been?'

'Into town. To score.'

'To buy drugs?'

'Cocaine.'

'And had he?'

'He had loads of it. Five, six grammes. The most coke I'd ever seen. And now he was headed back to the party. He was pretty wired.

Like, gibbering. Off his trolley.'

'And why didn't you mention this before?'

'He asked me not to. Kind of begged me.'

At the far end of the bar, the group of coppers suddenly laughed at something. Jacki glanced their way -- as if she'd heard what they were saying and didn't like it. Then she turned back to face Nathan.

'And from the infinite kindness of your heart, you said okay.'

'Look, when Elise - when this thing happened, Bob called me.'

'When is this?'

'On the Sunday, the Monday maybe.'

'Go on.'

'We talked about being interviewed - we thought everyone at the party would be. So we knew the drug thing would maybe come out.

But Bob's got a conviction, apparently. Intent to supply. Selling a bit of weed when he was a kid, funding his degree.'

'So you agreed to say the cocaine was yours.'

'I didn't want to see the poor bastard go down. And - well, Mark Derbyshire was all over the newspapers. I thought you had your man.

We all thought you had your man. It didn't occur to me. Not in a million years.'

'And why are you telling me this now?'

'It's probably nothing.'

'If you thought that, you wouldn't be here.'

'Okay.'

He tried not to blurt it out - he wanted Jacki to think him reluctant.

He said, 'After that night, I didn't really see Bob Morrow again.

I didn't want to, to be honest. He kind of gave me the creeps.'

'In what way?'

'I don't know. I couldn't put my finger on it. He was just -- not right, y'know. Just not right. And anyway, after the party - after Elise and the rest of it - I lost my job.'

'Because of the Mark Derbyshire thing.'

'Yeah. Plus, Sara and I split up. I had nowhere to live. I just [Wanted to forget about the whole thing. The entire night was a disaster.

You know what I'm saying?'

She said she knew.

So then, a few weeks back, Bob Morrow turns up at my door. I don't even know how he got my address.'

'What did he want?'

'Well, this is it. He said he didn't want anything. He said it would be nice to catch up, go for a drink.'

'And you hardly know him?'

'I don't know him at all. We were just at this party together. But now he says he's split up with some girlfriend, he's a free man. You know how it is. So I'm thinking, fuck, what do I do? I want rid of him. If anything, he's worse now than he was then. He smells a bit.

I'm not sure if he's working. He says he's a research assistant at the university, but he never seems to be there.'

'So?'

'So, anyway. We go for a drink. And after a couple of pints -- where have we been, what've we been doing -- he starts to ask about the worst thing I'd ever done.'

He paused, to take a long sip of Coke. He wanted a proper drink, but he also wanted to impress Jacki with his considered sobriety.

'I said -- oh, I don't even know what I said. Stealing from my friend's stash of porn mags when I was a kid. Club Celebrity Edition, 1979. It had Victoria Principal in it.'

Jacki smiled and nodded. But the smile did not belong to Jacki. It belonged to the police officer who was interviewing him.

Nathan said, 'Anyway. So then, Bob starts talking about Elise.'

'Elise Fox?'

'Yes, Elise Fox. What other Elise is there?'

'Keep it down. What did he say?'

'Do I ever think about her? Do I ever dream about her?'

'And what did you say?'

'I said, who wouldn't? I never even met her, but she changed my entire life.'

'Did you tell him about Holly?'

'God, no.'

'Why not?'

'He was giving me the creeps. I kept trying to change the subject.

But he kept getting back on to it. Asking if I believe in ghosts.' 'In ghosts?' 'In ghosts.'

'And have you seen him since?'

'A couple of times.' 'And?'

'More of the same. He's, like, really depressed. Drinking heavily.

Absolutely fixated on Elise. I kind of convinced myself he was just a weirdo. Maybe things had gone wrong for him too -- after the party.

And he'd been stuck there ever since. Does that sound stupid?'

'Not at all. Do you still think that?'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'Look, I don't know about this sort of thing. But I started thinking about it. Bob coming back -- from wherever he'd been. It seemed so unimportant back then. But now. Jesus. I don't know. Do you think jf'know?'

She didn't answer.

He said, 'I feel embarrassed, talking about this.'

Outside, a bus went past.

Jacki said, 'Are you sure you know what you're doing here?'

'Absolutely not, no.'

You're setting wheels in motion. They grind slow at first, but once there're going, there's no way of stopping them. If--if-- it should ever happen that Bob Morrow was charged with something, then the lies in your statement will be important. That means Holly will find out you were at Mark Derbyshire's party. Can you deal with that?'

'What else can I do?'

'I told you this would come back to haunt you. I told you that years ago.'

'What can I say ? You were right.'

She took his hand and squeezed it, once, then let go.

'You got plans to see him again?'

'Tonight.'

'Then see him.'

'I don't know if I can.'

'You have to.'

'Do I have to wear a wire or something?'

She laughed at that, with more pity than scorn. 'I'm just - I don't know. I need to think about this. I need to check Bob Morrow's form and go over his statement. Probably there's nothing in all this. Almost certainly there's nothing in it. But if there is - big if-- then I don't want him freaked out because you haven't shown up. So see him tonight.

Make your excuses, leave early. But see him. We'll talk tomorrow.'

'I don't know if I can be in the same room as him.'

'You have to be. For Holly. In case there's something to this.'

Before leaving the pub, she shook his hand.

Secret talks were held about changing distributor once a year. Most of the personnel involved, including Nathan, pretended not to notice this.

After the meeting, Justin shook Nathan's hand and told him how well he'd done. Nathan said they should go for a drink, sometime soon.

At work, he splashed cold water on his face then went to attend his scheduled meeting. Secret talks were being held about changing distributors.

In the late afternoon, there was a marketing meeting pre-meeting.

He got through it, and later in the afternoon he dealt with a couple of difficult customer calls. At 6.15, he checked he had everything. He said goodbye to everyone in the office - he didn't know why, they only did that at Christmas. Then he went to get his car.

At the wheel of his car, he had an anxiety attack. He thought he was dying. He grabbed the steering wheel. He pulled over, on to a double yellow line, and listened to the radio until it had passed.