By the Time You Read This

44

THE DVDs WERE IN plain white sleeves with clear plastic windows—no labels save for a white strip on the back where a number was written in blue ink. The numeral seven was written in the Continental style, with a cross through the shaft. Cardinal shoved the discs back into the envelope and went into the boardroom, shutting the door behind him.

There was a large television on a trolley with a combination VCR/DVD player underneath. It was used for reviewing interviews with suspects, procedures at a crime scene and so on. Cardinal pulled a disc from the envelope and stuck it into the machine.

Onscreen: Dr. Bell’s office—the books, the rugs, the oak furniture, the comfortable chairs, all beckoning you to sit down, relax, reveal your heartbreak. All is soft and welcoming here. A young man with thinning sandy hair is seated in the middle of the couch, one ankle crossed over a knee and one hand clasping that ankle. On the surface it’s a posture of comfort and informality, but the jiggling foot gives away a certain nervousness, and the jerky movements of his head speak of someone who is uncomfortable in this office, in the world, perhaps in his own body: Perry Dorn, who killed himself in the laundromat. Cardinal recognized him from pictures on the TV news. Off to one side sits Dr. Bell, notebook propped open on one knee.

The young man spills out his anguish: how he had loved mathematics, how he had turned down an offer from McGill University in order to stay near the woman he is obsessed with, and how she has dumped him. Despair cries out in every crack in his voice, in the defeated slump of his shoulders. The acid of self-loathing burns and sizzles over his words, even those of forced cheer. But the good doctor doesn’t suggest an admission to hospital. Instead, he asks for details on how Margaret, the young man’s beloved, has devastated him.

And then they talk about how he can’t be sure Margaret would even notice his suicide, she’s so preoccupied with her new lover.

“I was just thinking of the laundromat,” Dr. Bell says. “I was thinking how, when you started going out with Margaret, it seemed symbolic. You said yourself it was like you were starting out clean. I remember thinking that a witty remark. Neither of you carrying germs, you said—I’m sure that was your word—of previous relationships. And I was wondering …”

“The laundromat,” Perry says, and tosses a Kleenex onto the coffee table. “Yeah, she’d have to notice the laundromat.”

Cardinal replaced the disc with another. Leonard Keswick, the civil servant who had killed himself after child pornography was discovered on his computer. As a senior administrator at Community and Social Services, Keswick had crossed paths with Cardinal at various civic functions, and Cardinal had often seen him on the evening news.

He fast-forwarded through the preliminaries.

“You know what my wife did when she found out?” Keswick says. “She spit on me. She actually spit on me. In my face. My own wife.” He bursts into tears. Dr. Bell waits patiently in his chair until howls subside into sobs, sobs into sniffles.

“How did the police find out?” Keswick wails, muffled behind a Kleenex. “How could they have known?”

“Didn’t they tell you?” Bell asks with apparent concern. “Surely they have to give you some idea of the evidence?”

“Evidence? The evidence was on my computer! It was full of pictures of thirteen-year-old girls. I don’t know how they found out. All they would say was they were ‘acting on information received.’”

“What do you suppose they mean by that?” Dr. Bell says. He shifts in his seat, rolls his shoulders and cocks his head this way and that, his doglike tics becoming more pronounced.

“I don’t know. Maybe something to do with the Internet portal or provider or whatever they call it. Not that it matters. I’m going to lose my job, I’m probably going to lose my family. And I’m in hell, Doctor, that’s the truth. It’s like I’ve already died and gone to hell, and I just don’t know what to do.”

Keswick had always seemed such a self-possessed, confident person, and now here he was unravelling on his psychiatrist’s couch.

Cardinal began to understand now how Bell’s patients could be completely taken in by his surface warmth. His manner spoke of open arms, a glowing hearth, unconditional positive regard. Cardinal himself had dissolved in the presence of that manner when he had first come to Bell; he had even asked him for advice. All these patients—Catherine, too—coming to the doctor with nothing but a wish for help, for a strong, dependable hand to extract them from the tar pit of despair. Who would suspect that the man who extended it would at the same time be pushing them back down? It brought to Cardinal’s mind the classic definition of seduction: warm manner, low intent.

The date stamp in the corner of the image put the Keswick interview about a year ago, the month of his suicide.

Cardinal ran the disc back a little and hit Play.

“All they would say was they were ‘acting on information received,’” Keswick says miserably.

And from the doctor: “What do you suppose they mean by that?”

“As if you didn’t know, Doctor.” Cardinal hit the Stop button. “As if you didn’t know.”

He pulled another disc out of the envelope. There was a yellow sticky on the front, on which was written in neat script I’m so sorry for your loss.

A moment later Catherine appeared on the television screen, and Cardinal’s breathing stopped. His hand, without his willing it, reached out toward her.

Catherine sits in the centre of the couch, hunched forward with her hands clenched between her knees, a posture habitual with her when discussing something of intense interest, the earnest student.

Bell is relaxed, thoughtful, one leg crossed over the other, notepad as always on knee.

“I’ve been feeling much better lately,” Catherine says. “Remember last time I was worried that I was just on the edge of a depressive episode?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t feel that way now. It was just a little anxiety about my project. I’m going to be doing a series of shots at different times of the day—starting with night shots. But it’s going to be precise times of the day: 9 a.m., 6 p.m., and 9 p.m.”

“I believe you told me they would be aerial shots of some kind?”

“High shots, not aerial. I wanted to take the first set from the cathedral spire, but they won’t give me permission. So I’m shooting my first night photos tonight—you know the new Gateway building just off the bypass?”

“Oh, yes. I didn’t think it was finished yet.”

“It’s mostly finished. I have a friend who lives there, so I’m heading over tonight with my cameras. She’s going to take me up onto her roof—they have a deck out there—and I’m going to take shots over the city. Supposed to be a moon tonight, too, so it should be pretty spectacular.”

Cardinal could hear the enthusiasm in her voice. The doctor could not have missed it either.

“Your friend will be there with you?” Bell says. “I thought you always worked alone.”

“She’s just going to get me out to the roof and then she’s off to a rehearsal. So I’ll have the roof all to myself.”

“So, what’s changed from last week? Last week you were feeling hopeless about your work.” Bell flips back through his notebook. “‘I don’t know why I bother,’ you said. ‘I’ve never done anything worthwhile. Nobody cares about my pictures, and they probably never will.’”

Her own words hit her hard. The change in her face is dramatic, the sudden droop at the corners of her eyes, her mouth open slightly.

She trusts you, Cardinal thought. She’s completely open with you. Catherine is usually far more guarded, especially about her work. But with you she opens right up. She wants your help. She wants your help to fight off her own dark impulses. How did you repay that trust?

“That was …” she begins, then sags a little. “That was …”

“You were thinking you should quit photography altogether. That it was pointless to go on with it. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it’s your deepest feelings we have to bring out in the open here.”

“No, no, I understand,” Catherine says. “I’d forgotten how bad I was feeling last week.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“But I think it was just pre-project blues. I get those. We’ve talked about those before. Whenever I’m starting on a new project, I get anxious and I start thinking of all the reasons not to do it. Once I start thinking that way, I just see my life as a series of failures, and I get blue.”

“‘Nothing I’ve done has any value,’ you said …”

Bastard, Cardinal thought.

“That sounds more than a little blue,” Bell continues. “Nothing you’ve done has any value?”

“That was … I mean … I was thinking—I was thinking. See, that’s what happens when I get nervous about a project: I think of all the reasons not to do it. And the main reason is, who cares? It’s not like I have a long string of successes behind me. You know, by my age Karsh was famous for his portraits, André Kertész had done the most beautiful street scenes as well as these wild experiments, and Diane Arbus had already had an exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art. Why should I bother?

“That’s how I was thinking. But then all those thoughts drop away, and I just think about the work—the technical challenges, how interesting the various exposures will be—and I forget everything else.”

“Interesting you should bring up Diane Arbus.”

“She was great. Here she was, this nice little girl from the Upper West Side, and she’s going off into the scariest corners of New York City taking pictures of transvestites and dwarves and God knows what else. She was brilliant.”

“Probably the most famous photographer of the last century.”

“I don’t know about that. Most famous female photographer, yes. That’s true.”

“After she killed herself, anyway.”

“That was so sad,” Catherine says, as if she has lost a personal friend. “I’ve read everything about her. She and her husband were just so powerfully in love. After they broke up, she was just never the same. She never got over it. I don’t think any amount of work or praise could fix that for her. Not that she blamed him, she still loved him. He still loved her.”

She speaks about her as if they had known each other for years, as if they talked and worked together every day, Cardinal thought. How could I have missed that? Was I just not listening?

“The fact remains,” Dr. Bell says quietly, “she killed herself, and she may not be the most famous photographer, but she’s certainly one of the most famous suicides, and it affected how her work was seen. You’ve obviously thought about her a lot.”

“I love her. Her work has meant a lot to me. And you’re right: the way she died does affect the way her work is seen. It’s as if every photograph is accompanied by this huge red exclamation mark. Like it’s underlined in blood.”

“It increased her fame.”

“Yeah. Still sad, though.”

“And so—and don’t take this the wrong way—I wonder if that might not be somewhere in your mind when you think about killing yourself. Do you think that might be part of the attraction?”

“Oh, God,” Catherine begins. Then a long pause as she looks away, staring offscreen. “Could I really be that shallow? Kill myself to get famous?”

“It’s not totally unrealistic, right? There are precedents.”

Bastard, Cardinal thought again.

“I don’t think that’s a factor. I mean, maybe it is, but it’s not conscious, if so. No, when I think about suicide, it’s just because I’m in such pain I just want the pain to stop. I want it to be over. Done. That, and I think what a burden I must be to John, how he must hate the sight of me, and I just think, Oh why not take this weight from around his neck.”

“Oh, honey, no,” Cardinal said aloud. “No …”

“But then I think how it would hurt him, how sad he’d be, and I can’t do it.” Catherine shakes her head, flinging away the dark thoughts. “And you know what? I’m never going to kill myself. There’ve been lots of times when I’ve been close, but I don’t know—I seem to have this inner core of strength, and I know deep down I’m never going to do it.”

“I see.” Dr. Bell sits back so that his face is in the shadow. “And you don’t think this is just because you’re in a good mood today?”

“No. This is the real me. This is who I am. Last week was just pre-project anxiety. I’m into it now, I’m ready to work, and I feel—nervous, yeah, I’m always anxious—but I want to get down to work. I want to see how it’s going to turn out.”

With those last words searing their way through his heart, Cardinal drove over to the Crown Attorney’s office on Slater Street.

A DVD player was trundled into a meeting room, and he and attorney Walter Pierce sat in silence watching the work of Dr. Bell unfold beneath a portrait of the Queen as she had looked thirty years previously. Cardinal played him the last sessions of three patients.

Pierce was a big man, barrel-chested, with pale skin and very small eyes that blinked a lot with some nervous disorder. It gave him a gentle, mole-like appearance that had deceived more than a few felons into thinking they could withstand cross-examination from such a harmless-looking creature. Pierce’s greatest asset in court was his voice, a velvet whisper that made the most far-fetched argument seem a reasonable idea that had occurred to you—and a jury—after the soberest reflection.

“The woman is your wife, I believe,” he said, as Cardinal pulled the last disc from the player.

“That’s right.”

“I’m sorry for your loss, Detective. I’m surprised you’re back at work so soon. It must be unbearable for you to watch this.”

“Someone has to stop Bell from killing any more patients.” Cardinal could hear the rumblings of rage in his own voice. He added, more softly, “He needs to be put away.”

Pierce leaned toward Cardinal. He hadn’t made a single note on the yellow legal pad before him. “Listen,” he whispered. “We’ve presented some difficult cases together, you and I—won most of them, too. Largely because you’re very good at organizing your cases and finding evidence to back up evidence.”

“I have Bell’s thumbprint on—”

“Let me finish. I can’t even begin to imagine what you think there is in these recordings that might lead to a criminal charge. If you were new on the force, I would be on that phone right now to Chief Kendall asking him where the hell he found you. Because you don’t have here even the semblance of a case.”

“I have his thumbprint on my wife’s suicide note. I have forensics that prove it was written months ago—back in July—and he didn’t suggest hospitalization, didn’t mention it to anyone.” Careful, he told himself, keep it calm and rational.

“Even accepting what you say at face value, that might be construed as malpractice—a civil matter—and no one would bring that case to court based on a thumbprint on a note. No one from my office.”

“We’re not talking about one case here. You saw him with Perry Dorn. The kid is completely suicidal, yet again and again he turns the conversation back to the most painful subjects: she left you, she rejected you, you gave up your future. He’s rubbing his face in it.”

“I agree with you. He appears almost sinister in some of his remarks.”

“The whole time he puts on this pseudo-warm demeanour. So kind, so concerned. Then he knifes them.”

“Hardly, Detective.”

“These people are completely vulnerable. And even when they’re not—look at Catherine.” Cardinal took a deep breath, but he could not calm the pounding in his chest. “She goes in, she’s in a good mood, she’s excited about her project, and what does he do? He says, last week you hated yourself and everything you’ve ever done. Do you find that therapeutic?”

“It’s surprising, I grant you. But a therapy session is not a casual chat. He’s not there to discuss photography, he’s there to help with depression. Perhaps in his judgment the best way to do that is to bring the patient back to the most painful subjects.”

“Look at Keswick. You remember Keswick.”

“I remember Leonard Keswick.”

“How much time was he facing? Tops.”

“Well, the law allows for as much as five years, but realistically, he was looking at eighteen months suspended.”

“Eighteen months suspended, and the man is dead.”

“Being charged with possession of child pornography is not going to be good for anyone’s self-esteem. He lost his family. He was certainly going to lose his job.”

“Exactly. And how did it come about? Look at his file. He had maybe a dozen images on his computer of teenagers having sex. How did he ever get charged in the first place? We certainly weren’t looking for him. It was an anonymous call.”

“And you’re saying Bell made that call?”

“I think so.”

“Can you prove it? Do you have the call on tape?”

“No. All it says in the file is two anonymous calls. Both from a middle-aged male. The second one claimed to actually have seen the pictures on Keswick’s computer. We wouldn’t have acted on it otherwise. Who else could it have been? This was a home computer, not at work.”

Pierce took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Without the spectacles his face looked even more like a benign creature out of Beatrix Potter, snout twitching. “At this point, you have nothing,” he said. “And if you were thinking clearly, you would know you have nothing. I can only put it down to your bereavement.”

“It’s a hands-off murder,” Cardinal said. “Murder by proxy. He knows exactly each patient’s most vulnerable point and he goes right for it. Look at Perry Dorn. Bell even suggested the venue, the laundromat. What more do you need? We can’t just sit here and do nothing. The bastard did everything but sell tickets.”

“Now you’re raving.” Pierce stood up. “Detective, my wife died two years ago. Not in the same circumstances as yours—it was a car accident, a trucker asleep at the wheel. It was out of the blue and it was not her fault and I was absolutely devastated. I stayed away from work for a month. There was no way on earth I would have been able to do my job during that time. We tend to forget how big a role the emotions play in our thinking. There is no such charge as hands-off murder, as I’m sure you know.”

“There’s criminal negligence. At the very least, criminal negligence. He asks them to write out suicide notes. You don’t think that’s reckless disregard?”

“Human error or misjudgment is not criminal negligence. You’d need him to prescribe some preposterous dose of medication, something along those lines. Notice I’m not even raising the issue of how you got hold of those discs.”

“They were sent anonymously—probably by Mrs. Bell.”

“Makes no difference. There’s nothing in them that would make a homicide charge stick.”

“Please don’t tell me the Crown Attorney’s office is going to do nothing. Are you really going to sit back and watch this guy push his patients into killing themselves? People are dying here.”

“Well,” Pierce said softly, “if you really want to nail him, you could bring them before the medical board. They’ll almost certainly give him a stern talking-to.”