Casper The Commuting Cat: The True Story Of The Cat Who Rode The Bus And Stole Our Hearts

CHAPTER 14

The Joys and Rules of Public Transport

Casper

When leaving the house in the morning, ensure that your mum (or other human) doesn’t see where you’re going. Your travels are a personal matter. Humans are terribly inquisitive about what us cats get up to, and it’s only right that we maintain an air of mystery about some of our activities.

You can comply with rule (1) by doing any of the following:

(i) sneak out when the human is doing their head fur, drawing on their faces, choosing what to wear, or one of the many other things they waste their time with each day; or

(ii) allow them to fuss over you for a while, make them think you are settled for the day and, when they wander off saying you’re a ‘good boy, saunter towards the door casually, then run like hell; or

(iii) ignore them totally as they attempt to keep you inside with threats, promises and compliments. This is the most effective – and satisfying –approach.

Cross the road to a bus shelter that has been previously selected for its proximity to home and availability of seating.

After careful perusal of the bus timetable (some secrets are just too precious to share, so please do not expect me to tell you how us felines access that sort of information), decide which vehicle you will grace with your presence that day. It is advised that you vary the times of buses and drivers you select, so as to make yourself slightly more mysterious and also to amuse yourself as the aforementioned drivers wonder why you never choose them.

Wait in line with the human passengers. This is very important. For some reason, said humans find it odd and amusing when cats share their transport. They are clearly the ones who are odd and amusing, for if they wished to retain such vehicles purely for their own use, why have open doors and comfortable seats? However, if you adhere to bizarre human rules relating to something called ‘queues’, they will change their minds and think your presence is completely natural. Humans are very keen on regulations, which is why they wash themselves only in the privacy of their own homes rather than when they actually need to do so – and they admire any species who can do the same.

Do not draw attention to yourself by pushing to the front of the queue. Allow a human or two in front of you, and a few more behind. By taking up a position in the middle, barely anyone will notice you.

When you enter the vehicle, choose the seat that most appeals to you – from my research, I find a window seat to be most intriguing, as well as those towards the heating at the back of the bus. You may find that a human wishes to share the seat with you – this is unpleasant at times (see my previous comment on their washing habits – not all of them smell quite as fragrant as one would hope), but has to be accepted.

Should a human sit beside you, pretending to be asleep often works (I find that pretence is often not required as there is something about being on a bus that lends itself to a lovely little snooze). Some may be courageous enough to stroke or pat you – allow this. They are generally harmless, and I personally rather like them, so why not indulge their ways?

Ignore rules that are inconvenient or clearly not applicable to our species. I find that drivers on my chosen bus route shout at their fellow humans to get off once we reach what they call a ‘terminus’. This does not suit me. I wish to go back home at the end of my trip, not potter around shops. I find that by ignoring such orders, new rules – much better ones – can be put in place that apply only to felines and allow us to get whatever we want – which is the purpose of life, really.

When you have reached your destination (feel free to stay on the bus for as long as you wish), alight at your home stop, casually wander off, paying no heed to the humans with gaping mouths who are scratching their heads, and trot home to mum (or other human) for a nice snack.

Cross your paws that no one gives the game away, because if they do, oh dear me . . .