Constant Fire

3. In which Miss Ming fails to find Consolation

The elephants, although the most numerous, were not the largest beasts providing the party's entertainment; its chief feature being the seven monstrous animals who sat on green-brown haunches and raised their heavy heads in mournful song.

These beasts were the pride of Abu Thaleb's collection. They were perfect reproductions of the singing gargantua of Justine IV, a planet long since vanished in the general dissipation of the cosmos (Earth, the reader will remember, had used up a good many other star systems to rejuvenate its own energies).

Abu Thaleb's enthusiasm for elephants, and all that was elephantine, was so great that he had changed his name to that of the ancient Commissar of Bengal solely because one of that legendary dignitary's other titles had been Lord of All Elephants.

The gargantua were more in the nature of huge baboons, their heads resembling those of Airedale terriers (now, of course, long-extinct) and were so large that the guests standing closest to them could not see them as a whole at all. Moreover, so high were these shaggy heads above the party that the beautiful music of their voices was barely audible.

Elsewhere, the commissar's guests ate from trays carried upon the backs of baby mammoths, or leaned against the leather hides of hippopotami which kneeled here and there about the grounds of Abu Thaleb's vast palace, itself fashioned in the shape of two marble elephants standing forehead to forehead, with trunks entwined.

Mavis Ming paused beside a resting oryx and pulled a tiny savoury doughnut or two from its left horn, munching absently as the beast's huge eyes regarded her. "You look," she remarked to it, "as fed up as I feel." She could find no-one to keep her company in that whole cheerful throng. Almost everyone she knew had seemed to turn aside just as she had been about to greet them and Doctor Volospion himself was nowhere to be seen.

"This party," she continued, "is definitely tedious."

"What a supehb fwock, Miss Ming! So fwothy! So yellah!"

Sweet Orb Mace, in flounces and folds of different shades of grey, presented himself before her, smiling and languid. His eyebrows were elaborately arched; his hair incredibly ringleted, his cheeks exquisitely rouged. He made a leg.

The short-skirted yellow dress, with its several petticoats, its baby-blue trimmings (to match her eyes, her best feature), was certainly, Mavis felt, the sexiest thing she had worn for a long while, so she was not surprised by his compliment.

She gave one of her little-girl trills of laughter and pirouetted for him.

"I thought," she told him, "that it was high time I felt feminine again. Do you like the bow?" The big blue bow in her honey-blonde hair was trimmed with yellow and matched the smaller bows on her yellow shoes.

"Wondahful!" pronounced Sweet Orb Mace. "It is quite without compahe!"

She was suddenly much happier. She blew him a kiss and fluttered her lashes. She warmed to Sweet Orb Mace, who could sometimes be such good company (whether as a man or a woman, for his moods varied from day to day), and she took his arm, confiding: "You know how to flatter a girl. I suppose you, of all people, should know. I'll tell you a secret. I've been a bit cunning, you see, in wearing a full skirt. It makes my waist look a little slimmer. I'm the first to admit that I'm not the thinnest girl in the world, but I'm not about to emphasize the fact, am I?"

"Wemahkable."

Amiably, Sweet Orb Mace strolled in harness while Mavis whispered further secrets. She told him of the polka-dot elephant she had had when she was seven. She had kept it for years, she said, until it had been run over by a truck, when Donny Stevens had thrown it through the apartment window into the street, during one of their rows.

"I could have taken almost anything else," she said.

Sweet Orb Mace nodded and murmured little exclamations, but he scarcely seemed to have heard the anecdote. If he had a drawback as a companion it was his vagueness; his attention wavered so.

"He accused me of being childish," exclaimed Mavis putting, as it were, twice the energy into the conversation, to make up for his failings. "Ha! He had the mental age of a dirty-minded eleven-year-old! But there you go. I got more love from that elephant than I ever got from Donny Stevens. It's always the people who try to be nice who come in for the nasty treatment, isn't it?"

"Wather!"

"He blamed me for everything. Little Mavis always gets the blame! Ever since I was a kid. Everybody's whipping boy, that's Miss Mavis Ming! My father…"

"Weally?"

She abandoned this line, thinking better of it, and remained with her original sentiment. "If you don't stand up for yourself, someone'll always step on you. The things I've done for people in the past. And you know what almost always happens?"

"Natuwally…"

"They turn round and say the cruellest things to you. They always blame you when they should really be blaming themselves. That woman — Dafnish Armatuce — well…"

"Twagic."

"Doctor Volospion said I'd been too easy-going with her. I looked after that kid of hers as if it had been my own! It makes you want to give up sometimes, Sweet Orb. But you've got to keep on trying, haven't you? Some of us are fated to suffer…"

Sweet Orb Mace paused beside a towering mass of ill-smelling hairy flesh which moved rhythmically and shook the surrounding ground so that little fissures appeared. It was the gently tapping toe of one of Abu Thaleb's singing gargantua. Sweet Orb Mace stared gravely up, unable to see the head of the beast. "Oh, cehtainly," he agreed. "Pwetty tune, don't you think?"

She lifted an ear, but shrugged. "No, I don't."

He was mildly surprised.

"Too much like a dirge for my taste," she said. "I like something catchy." She sighed, her mood returning to its former state. "Oh, dear! This is a very boring party."

He became astonished.

"This pwofusion of pachyderms bohwing? Oh, no! I find it fascinating, Miss Ming. An extwavagance of elephants, a genewosity of giants!"

She could not agree. Her eye, perhaps, was jaundiced.

Sweet Orb Mace, sensing her displeasure, became anxious. "Still," he added, "evewyone knows how easily impwessed I am. Such a poah imagination of my own, you know."

She sighed. "I expected more."

"Monsters?" He glanced about, as if to find her some. "Awgonheaht Po has yet to make his contwibution! He is wumouhed to be supplying the main feast."

"I didn't know." She sighed again. "It's not that. I was hoping to meet some nice person. Someone — you know — I could have a real relationship with. I guess I expected too much from that Dafnish and her kid — but it's, well, turned me on to the idea. I'm unfulfilled as a woman, Sweet Orb Mace, if you want the raw truth of it."

She looked expectantly at her elegantly poised escort.

"Tut," said Sweet Orb Mace abstractedly. "Tut, tut." He still stared skywards.

She raised her voice. "You're not, I guess, in the mood yourself. I'm going to go home if things don't perk up. If you feel like coming back now — or dropping round later…? I'm still staying at Doctor Volospion's."

"Weally?"

She laughed at herself. "I should try to sound more positive, shouldn't I? Nobody's going to respond well to a faltering approach like that. Well, Sweet Orb Mace, what about it?"

"It?"

She was actually depressed now.

"I meant…"

"I pwomised to meet O'Kala Incarnadine heah," said Sweet Orb Mace. "I was suah — ah — and theah he is!" carolled her companion. "If you will excuse me, Miss Ming…" Another elaborate bending of the body, a sweep of the hand.

"Oh, sure," she murmured.

Sweet Orb Mace rose a few feet into the air and drifted towards O'Kala Incarnadine, who had come as a rhinoceros.

"The way I'm beginning to feel," said Miss Ming to herself, "even O'Kala Incarnadine's looking attractive. Bye, bye, Sweet Orb. No sweat. Oh, Christ! This boredom is killing!"

And then she had seen her protector, her host, her mentor, her guardian angel and, with a grateful "Hi!", she flew.

Doctor Volospion was sighted at last! He seemed at times like this her only stability. He it was who had first found her when, in her time machine, dazed and frightened, she had arrived at the End of Time. Doctor Volospion had claimed her for his menagerie, thinking from her conversation that she belonged to some religious order (she had been delirious) and had discovered only later that she was a simple historian who believed that she had returned to the past, to the Middle Ages. He had been disappointed but had treated her courteously and now allowed her the full run of his house. She did not fit into his menagerie, which was religious in emphasis, consisting of nuns, prophets, gods, demons, and so forth, and could have founded her own establishment, had she wished, but she preferred the security of his sometimes dolorous domicile.

She slowed her pace. Doctor Volospion was hailing the Commissar of Bengal, whose howdah-shaped golden air car was drifting back to the ground (apparently Abu Thaleb had been feeding his gigantic pets).

"Coo-ee!" cried Miss Ming as she approached.

But Doctor Volospion had not heard her.

"Coo-ee."

He joined in conversation with Abu Thaleb.

"Coo-ee, Doctor!"

Now the sardonic, saturnine features turned to regard her. The sleek black head moved in a kind of bow and the corners of the thin, red mouth lifted.

She was panting as she reached them. "It's only little me!"

Abu Thaleb was avuncular. "Miss Ming, again we meet. Scheherazade come among us." The dusky commissar was one of the few regular visitors to Doctor Volospion's, perhaps the only friend of the Doctor's to treat her kindly. "You enjoy the entertainment, I hope?"

"It's a great party if you like elephants," she said. But the joke had misfired; Abu Thaleb was frowning. So she added with some eagerness: "I personally love elephants."

"I did not know we had that in common."

"Oh, yes. When I was a little girl I used to go for rides at the zoo whenever I could. At least once a year, on my birthday. My daddy would try to take me, no matter what else was happening…"

"I must join in the compliments." Doctor Volospion cast a glinting eye from her toes to her bow. "You outshine us all, Miss Ming. Such taste! Such elegance! We, in our poor garb, are mere flickering candles to your supernova!"

Her giggle of response was hesitant, as if she suspected him of satire, but then an expression almost of tranquillity passed across her features. His flattery appeared to have a euphoric effect upon her. She became a fondled cat.

"Oh, you always do it to me, Doctor Volospion. Here I am trying to be brittle and witty, cool and dignified, and you make me grin and blush like a schoolgirl."

"Forgive me."

She frowned, finger to lips. "I'm trying to think of a witticism to please you."

"Your presence is uniquely pleasing, Miss Ming."

Doctor Volospion moved his thin arms which were hardly able to bear the weight of the sleeves of his black and gold brocade gown.

"But…"

Doctor Volospion turned to Abu Thaleb. "You bring us a world of gentle monsters, exquisite commissar. Gross of frame, mild of manner, delicate of spirit, your paradoxical pachyderms!"

"They are very practical beasts, Doctor Volospion." Abu Thaleb spoke defensively, as if he, too, suspected irony.

People would often respond in this way to Doctor Volospion's remarks which were almost always, on the surface at least, bland enough.

"Oh, indeed!" Doctor Volospion eyed a passing calf which had paused and was tentatively extending its trunk to accept a piece of fruit from the commissar's open palm. "Servants of man since the beginning of time."

"Worshipped as gods in many eras and climes…" added Abu Thaleb.

"Gods! True. Ganesh…"

Abu Thaleb had lost his reservations:

"I have re-created examples of every known species! The English, the Bulgarian, the Chinese, and of course the Indian…"

"You have a favourite?" Volospion heaved at a sleeve and scratched an eyebrow.

"My favourites are the Swiss Alpine elephants. There is one now. Notice its oddly shaped hooves. These were the famous white elephants of Sitting Bull, used in the liberation of Chicago in the 50th century."

Miss Ming felt bound to interrupt. "Are you absolutely certain of that, commissar? The story sounds a bit familiar, but isn't quite right. I am an historian, after all, if not a very good one. You're not thinking of Carthage…?" She became confused, apparently afraid that she had offended him again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have butted in. You know what a silly little ignoramus I am…"

"I am absolutely certain, my dear," said Abu Thaleb kindly. "I had most of the information from an old tape which Jherek Carnelian found for me in one of the rotting cities. The translation might not have been perfect, but…"

"Ah, so Carthage could have sounded like Chicago, particularly after it has been through a number of transcriptions. You see Sitting Bull could have been —"

Doctor Volospion broke in on her speculations. "What romantic times those must have been! Your own stories, Miss Ming, are redolent with the atmosphere of our glorious and vanished past!" He looked at Abu Thaleb as he spoke. Abu Thaleb moved uncomfortably.

Mavis Ming laughed. "Well, it wasn't all fun, you know." She sighed with pleasure, addressing Abu Thaleb. "The thing I like about Doctor Volospion is the way he always lets me talk. He's always interested…"

Abu Thaleb avoided both their eyes.

"Say what you like about him," she continued, "Doctor Volospion's a gentleman!" She became serious. "No, in a lot of ways the past was hell, though I must say there were satisfactions I never realized I'd miss till now. Sex, for instance."

"You mean sexual pleasure?" The Commissar of Bengal drew a banana from his quilted cuff and began to peel it.

Miss Ming appeared to be taken aback by this gesture. Her voice was distant. "I certainly do mean that."

"Oh, surely…" murmured Doctor Volospion.

Miss Ming found her old voice. "Nobody around here ever seems to be interested. I mean, really interested. If that's what's meant by an ancient race, give me what you call the Dawn Ages — my time — any day of the week! Well, not that you have days or weeks, but you know what I mean. Real sex!"

She seemed to realize that she was in danger of becoming intense and she tried to lighten the effect of her speech by breaking into what, in the Dawn Age, might have been a musical laugh.

When her laughter had died away, Doctor Volospion touched his right index finger to his left eyelid. "Can this be true, Miss Ming?"

"Oh, you're a sweetie, Doctor Volospion. You make a girl feel really foolish sometimes. It's not your fault. You've got what we used to call an 'unfortunate tone' — it seems to make a mockery of everything. I know what it is. You don't have to tell me. You're really quite shy, like me. I've lived with you long enough to know…"

"I am honoured, as always, by your interpretation of my character. But I am genuinely curious. I can think of so many who concern themselves with little else but sexual gratification. My Lady Charlotina, O'Kala Incarnadine, Gaf the Horse in Tears and, of course, Mistress Christia, the Everlasting Concubine." He cast an eye over the surrounding guests. "Jherek Carnelian crucifies himself in pursuit of his sexual object…"

"It's not what I meant," she explained. "You see, they only play at it. They're not really motivated by it. It's hard to explain." She became coy. "Anyway, I don't think any of those are my types, actually."

The Commissar of Bengal finished feeding his banana to a passing pachyderm. "I seem to recall that you were quite struck by My Lady Charlotina at one time, Miss Ming," he said.

"Oh, that was —"

Doctor Volospion studied something beyond her left shoulder. "And then there was that other lady. The time traveller, who I rather took to, myself. Why, we were almost rivals for a while. You were in love, you said, Miss Ming."

"Oh, now you're being cruel! I'd rather you didn't mention…"

"Of course." Now he looked beyond her right shoulder. "A tragedy."

"It's not that I — I mean, I don't like to think. I was badly let down by Dafnish — and by Snuffles, in particular. How was I to know that … Well, if you hadn't consoled me then, I don't know what I'd have done. But I wish you wouldn't bring it up. Not here, at least. Oh, people can be so baffling sometimes. I'm not perfect, I know, but I do my best to be tactful, you know. To look on the bright side. To help others. Betty used to say that I ought to think more of my own interests. She said I wasn't selfish enough. Oh, dear — people must think me a terrible fool. When they think of me at all!" She sniffed. "I'm sorry…"

She craned to look back, following Doctor Volospion's gaze.

Li Pao was nearby, bowing briefly to Doctor Volospion, making as if to pass on, for he was apparently in some haste, but Doctor Volospion smilingly called him over.

"I was complimenting our host on his collection," he explained to Li Pao.

Abu Thaleb made a modest gesture.

Miss Ming bit her lip.

Li Pao cleared his throat.

"Aren't they fine?" said Doctor Volospion.

"It is pleasant to see the beasts working," Li Pao said pointedly, "if only for the delight of these drones."

Doctor Volospion's smile broadened. "Ah, Li Pao, as usual you refuse amusement! Still, that's your recreation, I suppose, or you would not attend so many of our parties."

Li Pao bridled. "I come, Doctor Volospion, on principle. Occasionally there is one who will listen to me for a few moments. My conscience drives me here. One day perhaps I will begin to convince you of the value of moral struggle."

An affectionate trunk nuzzled his oriental ear. He moved his head.

Doctor Volospion was placatory. "But I am convinced, Li Pao, my dear friend. Its value to the 27th century is immeasurable. But here we are at the End of Time and we have quite different needs. Our future is uncertain, to say the least. The cosmos contracts and perishes and soon we must perish with it. Will industry put a stop to the dissolution of the universe? I think not."

Miss Ming patted at a blonde curl.

"Then you fear the end?" Li Pao said with some satisfaction.

Doctor Volospion affected a yawn. "Fear? What is that?"

Li Pao's chuckle was grim. "Oh, it's rare enough here, but I think you reveal at least a touch of it, Doctor Volospion."

"Fear!" Doctor Volospion's nostrils developed a contemptuous flare. "You suggest that I —? But this is such a baseless observation. An accusation, even!"

"I do not accuse, Doctor Volospion. I do not denigrate. Fear, where real danger threatens, is surely a sane enough response? A healthy one? Is it insane to ignore the knife which strikes for the heart?"

"Knife? Heart?" Abu Thaleb lured the persistent elephant towards him, holding a bunch of grapes. "Do forgive me, Li Pao…"

Doctor Volospion said softly: "I think, Li Pao, that you will have to consider me insane."

Li Pao would not relent. "No! You are afraid. Your denials display it, your posture pronounces it!"

Doctor Volospion moved an overloaded shoulder. "Such instincts, you see, have atrophied at the End of Time. You credit your own feelings to me, I think."

Li Pao's gaze was steady. "I am not deceived, Doctor Volospion. What are you? Time traveller or space traveller? You are no more born of this age than am I, or Miss Ming, here."

"What —?" Doctor Volospion was alerted.

"You say that you do not fear," continued the Chinese, "yet you hate well enough, that's plain. Your hatred of Lord Jagged, for instance, is patent. And you exhibit jealousies and vanities that are unknown, say, to the Duke of Queens. If these are innocent of true guile, you are not. It is why I know there is a point in my talking to you."

"I will not be condescended to!" Doctor Volospion glared.

"I repeat — I praise these emotions. In their place —"

"Praise?" Doctor Volospion raised both his hands, palms outward, to bring a pause. His voice, almost a whisper, threatened. "Strange flattery, indeed! You go too far, Li Pao. The manners of your own time would never allow such insults."

"I do think you've gone just a teeny bit too far, Li Pao." Mavis Ming was anxious to reduce the tension. "Why are you so bent on baiting Doctor Volospion? He's done nothing to you."

"You refuse to admit it," Li Pao continued relentlessly, "but we face the death of everything. Thus I justify my directness."

"Shall we die gracelessly, then? Pining for hope when there is none? Whining for salvation when we are beyond help? You are offensive at every level, Li Pao."

Miss Ming was desperate to destroy this atmosphere. "Oh, look over there!" she cried. "Can it be Argonheart Po arrived at last, with the food?"

"He is late," said Abu Thaleb, looking up from his elephant.

Li Pao and Doctor Volospion both ignored her.

"There is hope, if we work," said Li Pao.

"What? This is unbelievable." Doctor Volospion sought an ally but found only the anxious eyes of Mavis Ming. He avoided them. "The end looms — the inevitable beckons. Death comes stalking over the horizon. Mortality returns to the Earth after an absence of millennia. And you speak of what? Of work? Work!" Doctor Volospion's laugh was harsh. "Work? For what? This age is called the End of Time for good reason, Li Pao! We have run our race. Soon we shall all be ash on the cosmic wind."

"But if a few of us were to consider…"

"Forgive me, Li Pao, but you bore me. I have had my fill of bores today."

"You boys should really stop squabbling like this." Determinedly Mavis Ming adopted a matronly role. "Silly, gloomy talk. You're making me feel quite depressed. What possible good can it do for anyone? Let's have a bit more cheerfulness, eh? Did I ever tell you about the time I — well, I was about fourteen, and I'd done it for a dare — we got caught in the church by the Reverend Kovac — I'd told Sandy, that was my friend —"

Doctor Volospion's temper was not improved. An expression of pure horror bloomed on Miss Ming's round face as she realized that she had made another misjudgement and caused her protector to turn on her.

He was vicious. "The role of diplomat, Miss Ming, does not greatly suit you."

"Oh!"

Abu Thaleb became aware, at last, of the ambience. "Come now…"

"You will be kind enough not to interfere, not to interject your absurd and pointless anecdotes into the conversation, Miss Ming!"

"Doctor Volospion!" It was a shriek of betrayal. Miss Ming took a step backwards. She became afraid.

"Oh, she meant no harm…" Li Pao was in no position to mediate.

"How," enquired Doctor Volospion of the shaking creature, "would you suggest we settle our dispute, Miss Ming? With swords, like Lord Shark and the Duke of Queens? With pistols? Reverb-guns? Flame-lances?"

Her throat quivered. "I didn't mean…"

"Well? Hm?" His long chin pointed at her throat. "Speak up, my portly referee. Tell us!"

She had become very pale and yet her cheeks flamed with humiliation and she did not dare look at any of them. "I was only trying to help. You were so angry, both of you, and there's no need to lose your tempers…"

"Angry? You are witless, madam. Could you not see that we jested?"

There was no evidence. Miss Ming became confused.

Li Pao's lips were pursed, his cheeks were as pale as hers were red. Doctor Volospion's eyes were hard and fiery. Abu Thaleb gave vent to a troubled muttering.

Miss Ming seemed fixed in her position by a terrible fascination. Mindlessly she stared at the eyes of her accuser. It seemed that her urge to flee was balanced by her compulsion to stay, to fan these flames, to produce the holocaust that would consume her, and her mouth opened and words fled out of it, high and frightened:

"Not a very funny joke, I must say, calling someone fat and stupid. Make up your mind, Doctor Volospion. Only a minute or two ago you said how nice I looked. Don't pick on little Mavis just because you're losing your argument!" She panted. "Oh!"

She cast about for friends, but all eyes were averted, save Volospion's, and those pierced.

"Oh!"

Doctor Volospion parted his teeth a fraction to hiss:

"I should be more than grateful, Miss Ming, if you would be silent. For once in your life I suggest that you reflect on your own singular lack of sensitivity —"

"Oh!"

"— on your inability to interpret the slightest nuance of social intercourse save in your own unsavoury terms."

"O-oh!"

"A psychic cripple, Miss Ming, has no business swimming in the fast-running rivers of philosophical discussion."

"Volospion!" Li Pao made a hesitant movement.

Perhaps Miss Ming did not hear his words at all, perhaps she only experienced his tone, his vicious stance. "You are in a bad mood today…" she began, and then words gave way to her strangled, half-checked sobs.

"Volospion! Volospion! You round on that wretch because you cannot answer me!"

"Ha!" Doctor Volospion turned slowly, hampered by his robes.

Abu Thaleb had been observing Miss Ming. He spoke conversationally, leaning forward to stare at her face, his huge, feathered turban nodding. "Are those tears, my dear?"

She snorted.

"I had heard of elephants weeping," said Abu Thaleb with some animation, "or was it giraffes? — but I never thought to have the chance to witness…"

His tone produced a partial recovery in her. She lifted a wounded face. "Oh, be quiet! You and your stupid elephants."

"So, all our time travellers are blessed with the same brand of good manners, it seems." Volospion had become cool. "I fear we have yet to grasp the essence of your social customs, madam."

She trembled.

"Childish irony…" said Li Pao.

"Oh, stop it, Li Pao!" Mavis flinched away from him. "You started all this."

"Well, perhaps…"

Abu Thaleb put a puzzled tongue to his lower lip. "If…"

"Oh," she sobbed, "I'm so sorry, commissar. I'm sorry, Doctor Volospion. I didn't mean to…"

"It is we who are in the wrong," Li Pao told her. "I should have known better. You are a troubled young girl at heart…"

Her weeping grew mightier.

Doctor Volospion, Abu Thaleb and Li Pao now stood around her, looking down at her.

"Come, come," said Abu Thaleb. He patted the crown of her head.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was only trying to help … Why does it always have to be me…?"

Doctor Volospion at last placed a hand on her arm. "Perhaps I had best escort you home?" He was magnanimous. "You should rest."

"Oh!" She moved to him, as if to be comforted, and then withdrew. "Oh, you're right! You're right! I'm fat. I'm stupid. I'm ugly." She pulled away from him.

"No, no…" murmured Abu Thaleb. "I think that you are immensely attractive…"

She raised a trembling chin. "It's all right." She swallowed. "I'm fine now."

Abu Thaleb gave a sigh of relief. The other two, however, continued to watch her.

She sniffed. "I just didn't want to see anyone having a bad time, hurting one another. Yes, you're right, Doctor Volospion. I shouldn't have come. I'll go home."

Doctor Volospion replaced his hand to steady her. His voice was low and calming. "Good. I will take you in my air car."

"No. You stay and enjoy yourself. It's my fault. I'm very sorry."

"You are too distraught."

"Perhaps I should take her," said Li Pao. "After all, she is right. I introduced the original argument."

"We all relieve our boredom in one way or another," said Doctor Volospion quietly. "I should not have responded as I did."

"Nonsense. You had every reason…"

"Boo-hoo," said Miss Ming. She had broken down again.

Abu Thaleb said coaxingly: "Would you like one of my little flying elephants, my dear, for your very own? You could take it with you."

"Oh-ah-ha-ha…"

"Poor thing," said Abu Thaleb. "I think she would have been better off in a menagerie, Doctor Volospion. Some of them feel much safer there, you know. Our world is too difficult for them to grasp. Now, if I were you…"

Doctor Volospion tightened his grip.

"Oh!"

"You are too sensitive, Miss Ming," said Li Pao. "You must not take us seriously."

Doctor Volospion laughed. "Is that so, Li Pao?"

"I meant…"

"Ah, look!" Doctor Volospion slowly raised a hand to point. "Here's your friend, Miss Ming."

"Friend?" Red eyes were raised. Another sniff.

"Your friend, the cook."

It was Argonheart Po, in smock and cap of dark brown and scarlet, so corpulent as to make Miss Ming look slim. He advanced towards them with monumental dignity, pushing small elephants from his path. With a brief bow he acknowledged the company and then addressed Abu Thaleb.

"I have come to apologize, epicurean commissar, for the lateness of my contribution."

"No, no…" Abu Thaleb seemed weary of what appeared to be a welter of regrets.

"There is an integral fault in my recipe," explained the Master Chef, "which I am loath to disguise by any artifice…"

The Commissar of Bengal waved a white-gloved hand. "You are too modest, Kaiser of Kitchens. You are too much a perfectionist. I am certain that none of us would detect any discrepancy…"

Argonheart Po acknowledged the compliment with a smile. "Possibly. But I would know." He confided to the others: "The cry of the artist, I fear, down the Ages. I hope, Abu Thaleb, that things will right themselves before long. If not, I shall bring you those confections which have been successful, but I will abandon the rest."

"Drastic…" Abu Thaleb lowered his eyes and shook his head. "Can we not help in some way?"

"The very reason I came. I hoped to gain an opinion. If there is someone who could find it within themselves to leave the party for a short while, to return with me and sample my creations, not so much for their flavour as for their consistency. It would not require much time, nor would it require a particularly sophisticated palate, but…"

"Miss Ming!" said Doctor Volospion.

"Me," she said.

"Here is your chance to be of service."

"Well," she began, "as everyone knows, I'm no gourmet. Not that I don't enjoy my chow, and of course Argonheart's is always excellent, but I'd like to help out, if I can." She was twice the woman.

"It is not a gourmet's opinion I seek," Argonheart Po told her. "You will do excellently, Miss Ming, if you can spare a little time."

"You would be delighted, wouldn't you, Miss Ming?" said Abu Thaleb sympathetically.

"Delighted," she confirmed. She cast a wary glance at Doctor Volospion. "You wouldn't mind?"

"Certainly not!" He was almost effusive.

"A splendid idea," said Li Pao, blatantly relieved.

"Well, then, I shall be your taster, Argonheart." She linked her arm in the cook's. "And I really am sorry for that silly fuss, everybody."

They shook their heads. They waved their fingers.

She smiled. "It did clear the air, anyway, didn't it? You're all friends again now."

"Absolutely," said Li Pao.

"Well, that's fine."

"And you won't be wanting the little elephant?" Abu Thaleb asked. "I can always create another."

"I'd love one, Abu. Another time, perhaps when I have a menagerie of my own. And power rings of my own and everything. I've nowhere to keep it while I stay with Doctor Volospion."

"Ah, well." Abu Thaleb also seemed relieved.

"I think," said Argonheart Po, "that we should go as quickly as possible."

"Of course," she said, "You really must take me in hand, Argonheart, and tell me exactly what you expect me to do."

"An opinion, I assure you, is all I seek."

They made their adieux.

"Well," she confided to Argonheart as they left, "I must say you turned up at just the right moment. Honestly, I've never seen such a display of temper! You're so calm, Argonheart. So unshakeably dignified, you know? I did my best, of course, to calm everyone down, but they were just determined to have a row! Of course, I do blame Li Pao. Doctor Volospion had a perfectly understandable point of view, but would Li Pao listen to him? Not a bit of it. I suspect that Li Pao never listens to anyone but himself. He can be so thoughtless sometimes, don't you find that?"

The Master Chef smacked his lips.