Cut and Run

48

‘Daddy? Did you hear what I said?’ Whit said. ‘I found Mom.’

Whit broke the news as gently as possible to Babe, sitting at their breakfast table. Irina stared at him as though he’d announced he had cancer himself.

‘What?’

‘I found her over a week ago. That’s why I’ve been in Houston. We came back this morning.’

Babe blinked, took a deep, fortifying breath. ‘Ellen?’

‘She wants to see you,’ Whit said. ‘Would you like to see her?’

‘Whit,’ Irina interrupted. She moved from her chair, a sickly smile of shock on her face, to stand behind Babe, put her hand on his shoulders. ‘Your father, this is too much for him.’

‘I’m okay.’ Babe patted her hand. ‘It’s okay.’ He closed his eyes, passed a hand over his face. ‘Do I want to see her?’ But not asking the question of anyone but himself.

‘When I asked, you said yes. You said you wanted to ask her why she did what she did,’ Whit said.

‘How the hell did you find her?’ Babe said.

‘Long, long story. For later, Daddy.’

Babe’s lip trembled. He put his hands over his face.

‘This was a bad idea,’ Whit said. ‘But if you wanted to make peace with her before…’

The hands came down. ‘Peace. Yes,’ Babe said with sudden, hard resolve. ‘I would like to see her. Bring her in.’ He gave a jagged little laugh. ‘Why not? Life’s too short.’

Whit went out to the car where Eve sat. She followed him into the house, touching the side of the door, glancing around as if cataloging every change the house had weathered in her absence. She walked into the kitchen behind Whit.

‘Hello, Babe,’ Eve said.

Babe stared at her for several long moments. ‘What’s with your hair?’ he finally said.

‘I went red,’ she said.

‘It don’t suit you,’ Babe said. He ran fingertips over his chemo-bald head. ‘But then I got a new look, too.’

‘Dad, maybe Mom would like a cup of coffee. Would that be okay?’ Whit said. ‘Can you be trusted around hot beverages?’ Trying to deflate the tension.

‘I’m not fixing breakfast for this woman,’ Irina, usually the voice of calm reason, announced. ‘Whit, your papa doesn’t need this upset, for God’s sakes…’ Then a torrent of Russian.

Babe whispered, in the babyish Russian he knew. Kissed Irina’s cheek. ‘We moved the coffeemaker while you’ve been gone, Ellie. It’s on the other counter. Help yourself.’

Eve didn’t move. ‘I won’t stay. I’m sorry I left you, Babe. I want you and the boys to know that it had nothing to do with you. It was me. The situation… was such I thought it best I not come home. So I chose not to. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you. The boys.’ She stopped, ran a finger along her lip. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. Two words don’t sound adequate. I know.’

Silence. Babe cleared his throat. ‘You know, they didn’t stop crying for a real long time. Wondering why their mama would leave them. Do you have any idea what you tell small kids why they matter, why they’re still worthwhile human beings, why they’re still lovable when their own mother can’t be bothered to love them? I took them to Disneyland six months after you left. For two weeks. I thought it would help. Me herding all six of them, trying to pretend rides and candy and Mickey Mouse could make up for you gone. Jesus, we go, they don’t see anything but moms with their kids. I was cruel trying to help them.’ Now his voice trembled. ‘I don’t hate you for ripping my heart out. But what you did to my boys.’ His voice broke. ‘Treating my sons as disposable is unforgivable.’

‘I’ll ask for their forgiveness,’ Eve said. ‘Yours is a separate issue.’

‘You don’t want my forgiveness,’ Babe said. ‘You show your sorry face in time to stand over my grave and decide you want to play mom thirty years too late.’ He shook his head at Whit. ‘Whit, you lose one, you go find the other?’

‘I’m not trying to replace you, Dad, for God’s sakes.’ Whit took a calming breath. ‘I’m trying to help you both. You’re my parents. Make your peace. Please.’

‘Whit,’ Eve said. ‘Your father is your parent. He’s the one who took care of you.’ She stood. ‘You raised a very fine son, Babe.’

‘Who gives a rat’s ass what you think?’ Babe said.

‘Screaming was not the point of you and Mom talking,’ Whit said.

‘Sure was for me. I said what I wanted.’ Babe got up from his chair. ‘She’s dead to me.’

‘She is back in our lives,’ Whit said. ‘She is not dead.’

‘If yelling makes you happy, Babe,’ Eve said, ‘yell away. I deserve it.’ She dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve.

‘And I thought the chemo made me puke,’ Babe said.

‘Tell me, sweetie,’ Eve said to Irina. ‘Now that he’s retired, what does he talk about? Because I never heard a single word other than oil business, golf, oil, golf, and oh yes, oil with a hint of golf. It was enough to drive you nuts. Did you know he wouldn’t change a diaper? Six kids and he wouldn’t change a single diaper.’

Irina said, very quietly, ‘I don’t know you, Ellen, and I don’t want to.’

‘We’re staying in the guest house,’ Whit said, his chest full and hot. He had never seen the look now on his father’s face, dead love resurrected into absolute, unforgiving hate. ‘Just for tonight.’

‘No,’ Babe said.

‘Yes,’ Whit said. ‘I pay rent. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want.’

‘I won’t stay here if it’s going to upset him,’ Eve said. ‘You know, I did want to apologize. I don’t care if you believe me.’

‘Since when do you care about occupying the high ground?’ Babe said. ‘Tell me, Whit, did she hug you the moment she saw you?’ He gave a jagged laugh. ‘Does she think she’s still in the will?’

‘Dad, she came. That’s all that matters.’

‘Yeah, right. You’re not gonna drive a wedge between me and my sons, Ellie,’ Babe said. ‘Especially in the last five minutes of my life. You hurt my boys again, I’ll kill you.’

‘I owe Whit my life. Hurting him is the last thing I would ever do.’ She turned for the door, waited for Whit. ‘I won’t bother you again, Babe.’

‘Give him time,’ Whit said.

‘Yeah, he’s got time to spare,’ Eve said. The day had bloomed into bright sunshine and they sat on a deck at the Water’s End, an old bar on the beach. The other patrons were tourists and winter Texans, a quiet group.

Eve didn’t sip her beer. ‘Put me in a trailer; I’ll tell everyone I’m from Michigan. I’ll fit right in for the next month or so.’

‘There’s a plan.’

‘This secret between us,’ Eve said. ‘It’s a nasty thing, isn’t it? Living with what you know and you don’t tell?’

Whit sipped his beer. ‘Yes. I’ve been outlining my resignation letter in my head.’

‘Why? What good does resigning do? Stay on the bench, keep doing good.’

‘I can’t. I killed for you.’

‘In self-defense. Screw the law books. Saving your mother is instinct.’ She tasted her beer.

They had survived – both the mob and the possibility of prosecution – but he felt emptied. His mother smiled a lot at him. Like she was seeing herself in him, truly, for the first time.

Whit saw the bar door open, Claudia step outside onto the deck. She headed straight toward him, toward Eve.

‘A family reunion,’ Claudia said. She didn’t pull up a chair, but she gave Eve a quick, dismissive glance, then looked back at Whit. ‘It’s been a few days since we spoke.’

‘How are you?’ Whit asked.

‘Did you lose my phone number in the past week?’ she said.

‘I only got back this morning.’

‘This is your mother,’ Claudia said. Statement, not question.

‘Yes. Eve Michaels. Mom, this is my friend, Claudia Salazar.’

Eve offered her hand. Claudia let three beats pass then she took it, with the barest politeness.

‘Whit speaks so highly of you,’ Eve said.

‘Does he,’ Claudia said. ‘I used to be able to say the same about him. Until he threw away everything he stood for.’

‘Really,’ Eve said. ‘I suspect he stands for something greater than you know.’

‘I’m sitting right here while you talk about me,’ Whit said.

‘I know what you are,’ Claudia said to Eve. ‘I don’t believe for two seconds that you were Tommy Bellini’s simple-minded accountant who didn’t know squat.’

‘Claudia. I totally understand why you’re upset,’ Whit said.

‘It’s okay, son,’ Eve said. ‘What am I, Claudia?’ Her eyes were a little bright. ‘Tell me.’

‘A woman who would let her son ruin his life to save her own sorry ass.’

‘That’s enough,’ Whit said. ‘You don’t know the truth…’

‘Because you’ve told it all, right, Whit?’ Her voice was low but it was worse than if she was shouting.

‘Whatever you believe about me,’ Eve said, ‘is true. Not that Whit and I care, do we, honey? We’re a team.’

Claudia’s jaw trembled. ‘I have nothing to say to you.’ She glared at Whit. ‘Do you ever think about Harry?’

‘Yes. All the time. I hope the police find Frank Polo really soon.’

‘Frank Polo. Because he was the one bad guy in the picture, right, Whit?’

‘I didn’t know he killed Harry. I didn’t.’

‘But you knew this group of people were connected to his death. You knew and you said nothing.’ Every word like a small little explosion between them.

‘I told you about Greg Buckman,’ Whit said, keeping his voice low.

‘You didn’t tell anyone the whole picture. All you cared about was protecting your mother. I can’t prove it, but I know it. You walked away from every value you once held dear, Whit. Like this woman walked away from you and your family. I guess the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree, even when the tree hauls ass.’

‘Nice that you have this moral clarity about my life,’ Whit said.

‘You know, Harry has a mother too. Two sisters, an ex-wife. People who loved him. He was worth about a dozen of… her.’ She jerked her head at Eve.

‘Can we please discuss this later?’ he said.

‘Why? Are there voters here, Your Honor? Maybe I’ll keep my opinions to myself. Maybe not. I don’t know yet. We still have to work together. For now. But I don’t like it.’

‘I’m grateful to you for trying to help me,’ Whit said. Aware now of people on the deck starting to stare.

‘Screw your gratitude. You made your choice, Whit. And I’m making mine. It was nice knowing you, once.’ Claudia turned, walked out. She tried to slam the bar door but it was hinged to shut slowly, and even the angry yank she gave it couldn’t overcome the mechanism. She stormed out.

‘People are very territorial about you, Whit,’ Eve said, but her voice was subdued.

‘Yes.’

‘She cares about you.’

‘She did.’

‘She will again,’ Eve said.

‘I don’t think so,’ Whit said. ‘Or it will be a long road for her and me.’

She touched his hand. ‘What have I cost you, son?’ Eve asked.

Suddenly he thought of Lance Gartner, that boy dead from heroin in the bay, his mother’s pleas for Whit to change the death certificate. I can’t go against the law, he had said, and a sudden hard shame rose in him. Whit took a long swig of his beer. ‘It’s okay, Mom. It’s okay.’

He took Eve back to the guest house. He poured good cabernet and she went into the guest bathroom, came out smiling, holding a bar of soap. ‘Gardenia,’ she said.

‘Isn’t that what you used?’ He had bought it as a surprise for her.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’ He drank wine while they made phone calls. Five of them, with Whit talking first. To Whit’s brothers. Teddy hung up on her when she started to speak and did not answer when they called back. Mark talked to her for nearly an hour. David and Danny weren’t at their homes, and Whit simply left them short messages saying he had important but good news and to please call, anytime, night or day. Joe talked to Whit but said no on talking to Eve. At least for now. Give him time.

Eve sipped at her wine. ‘I didn’t expect hugs right away.’

‘No.’ Whit felt as tired as he’d ever been. ‘You want to watch a movie?’

She studied a long line of DVDs on the shelf. ‘Who is Monty Python?’

‘British comedy. Hilarious.’

She’d moved on to the next section of films. ‘I don’t much like Woody Allen. He whines a lot.’

‘He’s self-deprecating. It’s an art.’

‘Caddyshack,’ she said. ‘That one I like.’

So he put in the movie, one of his favorites, and they sat on the couch and finished the bottle of cabernet. He laughed where he usually did and so did she.

When he was putting away the disc she said, ‘Did I tell you that if any of the boys ever came looking for me, I figured it’d be you?’

‘Why?’

‘Fiercely independent. Strong. Like me,’ she said. ‘No holds barred about getting what you want.’

He was suddenly unsure if this was a compliment or not.

‘I love you, Whit.’ She kissed him with a quick, almost embarrassed smack on the cheek. ‘You know that, don’t you?’

‘Yeah, I love you, too,’ he said, the words and the idea still a little strange. They stayed up late, hoping for Joe or Teddy or the twins to call back, her opening a bottle of zinfandel, him drinking more, and finally he dragged himself back to bed, happy and dizzy-sick and wondering exactly what the rest of his life was going to be like.

He awoke suddenly, hearing the soft little click of the front door shutting, a wetness on his cheek. The linger of a kiss. The scent of gardenia.

He sat up in the darkness, the guest house too quiet, knowing it was empty. He glanced at the clock: 3:34 a.m.

Whit went to the guest bedroom. She was gone.

He hurried out the front door and up the driveway. Eve stood at the curb, one of his duffel bags packed and sitting at her feet.

‘Where are you going?’ he said.

She turned. ‘Oh. Honey. I hoped you wouldn’t wake. I shouldn’t have kissed you good-bye. But I had to.’

‘Where the hell are you going?’

‘I have unfinished business. The less you know, the better.’ She drew a hand through her hair. ‘I’ll be back soon.’

‘You don’t leave in the middle of the night if you plan on coming back.’ His voice rose; he suddenly felt as scared as a child, and he forced himself to calm down.

‘I don’t fit in with your life, Whit. I don’t. I do love you, but

…’

‘Bullshit. Bullshit. I’m calling you on your bullshit, Mom.’

‘I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. But I need to do this. Alone.’

He saw it then. ‘You know where Frank is. With the money.’

She glanced down the darkened street.

‘Did he call you? After what he did you’d go back to him?’

‘Of course not. But I can find him.’

‘Who gives a shit about that money, Mom? You’re here. You’re home.’

‘But it’s five million, honey. Five million.’ She gave a quick little shrug. ‘Probably four by now, knowing Frank, but still…’

Whit shook his head. ‘You aren’t going to do this to me again.’

Out of the dark a cab from a Corpus Christi taxi service rolled up and stopped three houses down. Of course. She wouldn’t give the cab this address; the headlights might wake him up.

She tried to smile at him. ‘Whit, honey. Let’s not have a brutal little scene. You can either let me go or tie me up, but I’ll go eventually. That’s the hard, bitter truth. Love me, but don’t change me into what you’ll love better.’

‘Mom-’

‘And I want to change you, and I can’t. You don’t want what I call life. You’re going to look at me every day and see the bad things you did. Don’t be more like me. Be like your father. Your brothers. Even Claudia.’

‘I can tell the police about James Powell,’ he said, desperation rising in his voice. There’s no statute of limitations on murder.’

‘Go right ahead.’ She gave her little shrug. ‘He threatened to kill you and your brothers if I didn’t do what he said, so I killed him. You want me to confess to a crime, there you go. I’m not one bit ashamed of it.’

‘Mom. You killed him for that money.’

‘Believe what you want. Do what you like. Lock me up, throw away the key.’ She leaned over, kissed his cheek again. ‘Stay good, baby.’

‘Please don’t. Please don’t do this,’ he said.

She leaned down, picked up her duffel. She didn’t look back, didn’t wave. He watched her get into the cab, vanish into the dark.

Eve who became Ellie

I’m breaking one of my own rules now, because I’m close to a beach. Beaches are okay for me now. To the police I’m a city girl. The Mosleys think of me as a beach girl. But Whit won’t come looking for me again, and he won’t find me if he does.

The beach here at Princeville is absolutely pristine, and the tourists are mostly honeymooners, nice kids, a few golf widows sunning and reading fat novels. The beach here is far prettier than the ones in Texas, but it’s so pretty it almost doesn’t seem real. A dream. So it seems safe.

Here I am Ellie again, now Ellie Masters. Eve fit like a suit faded from fashion, so I shed it. I stayed a while at a small hotel on the south side of Kauai, waiting, thinking, until I found a condo for rent by a landlord living in California. Retired lady, she and her husband moved here, then he died and she moved back to San Francisco to be close to her grandkids. I hope she decides to sell and I bet she’d like cash. God knows I do.

Jacksonville, Florida, was where Frank landed; it was where he spent summers as a kid, visiting grandparents, and he always spoke fondly of it. See, he broke the first rule. I traced him there via a false ID he thought I didn’t know about, he’d gotten it a few years ago from the same guy who got me the Emily Smith cards. Mistake number two. I found him in a beachside house, a modest little bungalow, and walked right up to him on his back porch one cold night and, before he could say I’m sorry, put the bullet in his face. No hello, no good-bye you sorry piece of trash. Not in the mouth like James Powell but right between the wide, lying eyes. Frank was surprised. I was surprised he had as much brain as he did voice. But he was never stupid. My mistake.

The money was hidden in the house, in six different places. I took it and then phoned the Houston police, anonymously reported that I thought I’d seen Frank Polo, who they were looking for, at the Jax address and hung up. My second good deed for the day.

Frank had laid low, hadn’t spent more than a few thousand, and I headed down to Miami, caught a plane to the Caymans, and started re-cleaning the money back through a series of accounts. Finally I put half in an account for me. Half in an unnumbered account for Whit. Mailed him a note with the bank name, the account and access numbers, and ‘I love you.’ Nothing else. I hoped he wouldn’t give it away or refuse to touch it or call the police about it like a high-minded idiot. I sort of tied my boy’s hands; he won’t tell the police now because it’s too many questions, and the money can help make up for all the trouble I caused him and his brothers their whole lives.

I don’t have to work, what with my cash settlement from Frank, but I get restless sitting around so I took a part-time job in a little coffee shop/bookstore in Hanalei. It’s a hippie town near Princeville. The young people here all have dirty feet and it’s not the kind of Hawaiian destination anyone from my previous lives would pick. So I am the world’s oldest barista and I sell travel books and bestselling paperbacks to the vacationers. The dirty-feet kids all like to read Beat Generation writers. They don’t know what life lived running is, trust me. But most of the customers are tourists who come in once and only once, and the other clerks are nice but aren’t nosy. I say I’m from California, where it seems half the world is from, and it’s answer enough.

But every day is a terrible temptation.

The bookstore owner, Doris, a really sweet lady, set up an Internet access on a couple of computers in the store. Thought it’d sell more coffee, and it does; the hippies love it. They come in and e-mail their parents for more money.

But when the store’s not busy, I sit down and I open to a search engine and I want to type in Whit’s name so bad I could cry. I want to know he’s okay. But I’m afraid, every Web site you visit on that machine is recorded in a file somewhere in the world, I’m sure of it, and having made myself vanish again I don’t want to risk it. I would for him and him alone. Because if I know he’s okay, will that be enough? Will I keep from e-mailing him? Or phoning him? Did he get the two-plus million out of the account? Is he having fun with his share or did he give it all away to charity out of pointless guilt? I won’t ever know.

The temptation is like hunger, hell, starvation of the worst sort. Because you imagine that the barest crumb would keep you going.

But I don’t. For weeks and weeks, I don’t. Then I get an idea. I log on using Doris’ account (her password was ‘doris,’ for God’s sakes), go to the Web site for the Corpus Christi Caller-Times. I don’t search by Whit’s name on the archives, I search for ‘justice of the peace.’ How many are there in the Coastal Bend? Not many, right?

I find articles on him. Still in office, conducting a death inquest on a homicide over in Laurel Point. A mention in a story on Babe’s passing, dated two weeks ago. Babe gone. Whit grieving bad, I know, I’m aching to hold him now.

So Whit’s safe. He stayed in office. I didn’t ruin him. He’s tough like me.

But it made me miss him more, bad enough where I felt sick and I went home early and lay on my bed. I could buy one of those prepaid call cards. Pay cash. Make it impossible to trace. Let him know I’m okay, hear his voice for a minute.

But no. He let me walk away when I needed to and it’s not fair, me opening the door again. Let it be shut. Let me be strong to keep it shut. He doesn’t need me.

At night I rent the movies. Caddyshack and Monty Python and all those Woody Allen ones full of jokes only New Yorkers and Whit get. I pretend he and I are sitting together, sharing popcorn, watching the movies. It is all I’m gonna get now.

And it has to be enough.