Dark Winter

27

There was going to be no easy way to tell her. In the past I’d just have lied, but somehow I couldn’t do it any more.

I checked the signal again as I walked into the waiting room and sat down with a magazine. It wasn’t long before Kelly emerged with Dr Hughes. She said her short goodbyes to the doctor, thinking that she was going to see her on Tuesday. ‘Where’s Granny and Gramps?’

‘They’re having a cup of tea round the corner. Fancy one?’

We came out into the April sun and I psyched myself up – but Kelly got there first. ‘Nick, can I tell you something?’

‘Of course. Unless it’s something horrible about me.’

A smile flickered across her face, then a more serious look. ‘I want to tell you what Dr Hughes and I have been talking about. She’s so brilliant, Nick. I can tell her everything and it’s like she really understands. It’s like chilling out with Vronnie, only her advice makes sense.’

I took her hand and squeezed it. She probably thought it was because I was pleased with her or something. She looked up into my eyes. ‘The thing is, Nick, I’ve been, well, not all the time, but I’ve been making myself sick.’

I resisted the urge to look away. I didn’t want her to think I was disgusted with her, or that I already knew. If I was disgusted with anyone, it was myself. ‘Really? Why have you done that?’

‘Well, you know about my gymnastics, right? We get together and count each other’s ribs, and if they’re hard to count that means we’re too big. Vronnie’s in gymnastics too, and one day she pinched my side and got hold of some fat, and it just totally freaked me out. I made myself sick after dinner that night and it was horrible, but I did it again and it wasn’t too bad, and now it’s not that hard to do at all.’

I didn’t know how to respond. I just couldn’t believe the timing.

I felt like Carmen, struggling to find the right words. ‘Are you going to tell Granny and Gramps?’

She looked at the ground and shook her head. ‘I don’t think so, do you?’

‘Probably not. What about Josh?’

‘What do you think?’

‘I know you probably don’t want to, but he loves you and he’s really trying to help.’

‘Yeah, I suppose.’

And then I took a deep breath. ‘Kelly, I’ve got a drama . . .’ I felt her hand stiffen in mine. She knew what was coming. ‘I’ve got to go away. Yes, it’s work. I’ve thought about it, and I reckon it’s best that you go back early. Josh and everyone are back later today, so if you went tomorrow—’

She pulled her hand away. ‘But I’m due at Dr Hughes’s on Tuesday, right?’

‘I’ve told Dr Hughes, she knows you’re leaving tomorrow. I asked her not to say anything because I wanted to tell you myself. Look, you’re better off getting back to the States and starting with whoever she’s organizing to help you.’

‘But I want to come back on Tuesday.’ Her voice quavered. She stared at me, tears welling and just starting to fall down her face. ‘I want to see her, I need to see her, she’s the only one who—’

‘It’s better this way. You’ll just be starting with the person she recommends a little early.’

‘How am I supposed to get better when you keep doing this to me?’ She moved her head sadly from side to side. ‘You say you want to be with me, but you don’t. You don’t understand . . .’

‘Be fair – how can I get to understand if you don’t tell me what’s happening?’

Her tears had stopped and her body stopped moving. ‘But I have now, haven’t I? You’re still leaving.’

Shit, she had me on that one. ‘Look, going home now means you can start seeing another therapist all the sooner. We were only ever going to be here for a short while, and Dr Hughes has done well, hasn’t she? I mean, look what you’ve been able to talk about. Now we have a good base to work from back home. Isn’t that for the best?’

Bastard! The cell rang and Kelly put on her most sarcastic voice. ‘Hello, work calling. Hello, work calling.’

I hit the key, then rehashed it. Suzy was out on the street. ‘He’s called and we’ve a meet in an hour and forty-five.’

I put on a happy voice. ‘OK. I’ll call you back in a few minutes.’

Her voice was full of tension. ‘Do you understand? I’m leaving now for Starbucks. You need to be there – don’t let me down.’

‘Yes, I’ve got that. I’ll talk to you in a minute.’ I cut the phone and looked down at Kelly. ‘I know, I know. I’ve got to go in a minute. I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. I’ll call you later.’

We stood on the pavement outside the café. ‘Granny and Gramps are inside.’ I opened the door and we went in. Kelly took the conversation out of my hands. ‘Nick has to go to work now, don’t you, Nick?’

I looked down at her. ‘We’ll talk later about . . . you know, what we just talked about. OK?’

She nodded weakly as she accepted my hug. ‘OK.’

As soon as I was outside with my bags I got back on to the phone. ‘Suzy, pick me up, will you? I’ll meet you in Sloane Square, the bus stop outside WH Smith.’

‘Better be there.’

The phone went dead and I walked up to the square, still trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. But, then, I’d spent most of my life doing that, and wasn’t sure I’d ever won the argument.