Chapter Six. Traveling In Europe (“Excuse Me! Where Is The Big Mona Lisa?”)
As a traveler, you will eventually want to broaden your cultural horizons by visiting the Home of Western Civilization, the source of many of the values and ideals that we cherish so deeply today, the birthplace of our culture: Yankee Stadium. But if you get a chance, you should also visit Europe.
A Brief History Of Europe
Although from outer space Europe appears to be shaped like a large ketchup stain, it actually consists of many small separate nations, each with a proud and ancient tradition of hating all the other ones.
The first European was a Cro-Magnon man who wandered around for about 65,000 years looking for food, only to discover that everything was closed (this is still true today). So he was hungry and lonely, which led to the invention of agriculture and, later, the discotheque.
Meanwhile, in Greece, civilization was forming. The Greeks, aided by a warm climate, had invented geometry, and they used this advanced knowledge to conquer the surrounding cultures by piercing them with the ends of isosceles triangles. This led to the Golden Age of Greece, which was marked by the spread of restaurants to outposts as far away as Brooklyn, parts of which can still be seen today.
Eventually Greece was conquered by Alexander the Great of Macedonia with the aid of a new weapon, the rhomboid. Alexander ruled his empire until somebody did some checking and discovered that there was no such place as “Macedonia,” which paved the way for the Roman Empire. The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe. The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying “Roman Ruins” and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.
At this point Europe was invaded by barbarian motorcycle gangs such as the Angles, the Franks, the Jutes, the Teds, the Sextants, the Ventricles, and Martha and the Vandellas. This led to the Middle Ages, which were characterized by strict zoning regulations requiring that every 250 yards there had to be a giant cathedral built from stones the size of Raymond Burr. This made life extremely difficult for the laborers—many of whom had never even heard of Raymond Burr—so everybody was very happy when the Renaissance broke out in the fourteenth century at about 2:30 P.m.
The Renaissance was a time of cultural rebirth during which everybody lost a few pounds and started taking night courses. There were many scientific and technological advances such as the plow, the stapler, and, above all, the printing press, which enabled mass production of the first popular work of literature, a novel called Hot Moist Serfs:
“Priscilla,” suib art, unable to retitrain bis puaman anu longer. “I want Uou right now, right here, in the burieu fielb.” Ilriscilla blusbeb, but obe was tiecriettig pleaseb, for obe coulb not help but notice that Ntirt bab a ui!rtl large plow.
The Renaissance collapsed from exhaustion in 1600, after which everybody rested up in preparation for the Era of a Whole Bunch of Wars, which included the Franco-Prussian War; the Franco-Anglo-Russo War, the Hundred Years War, the Franco-Austro-Russo-Hungro War, The Nine Years War, The Frank O’Brien War, The 36 Months or 50,000 Miles Whichever Comes First War, The War of the Tuna Casseroles, and Super Bowl XVIII. All this conflict caused Europe to gradually disintegrate, so that today it contains many tiny nations, with names like “Lichtenburg,” that could not hold their own, militarily, against the UCLA Pep Squad. The tragic result is that modern-day European nations have had to content themselves with developing sound economies, while the United States, as a Major World Power, has enjoyed the privilege of getting its butt shot at all over the world.
Nevertheless there are still many exciting things to see and do in Europe, although you, personally, will not get to see and do them, because you’ll be too busy frowning at Roman ruins. The best way to locate these is to be on a large guided bus tour. You want the kind that stops at everything in Europe for fifteen minutes, which is just enough time to get off the bus, take a picture of whatever it is, and get back on the bus, unless you have to go to the bathroom, in which case you have time to get off the bus, pee on whatever it is, and get back on the bus. There are many other advantages to being with a large tour group, such as:
1. It gives you an excellent opportunity to get to know the other couples in the tour group, which is a broadening cultural experience because some of them will come from completely different states. You’ll end up exchanging Christmas cards with them for years and years, and when you die, your spouse will write them a little note, and they’ll say:
“Remember so-and-so? From New Jersey? The one we met on the tour? The one with the big hat? In the plumbing-SUPPlies business? Well, he died.”
2. In addition to meeting people on your tour group, you will encounter people from new and completely different tour groups, because you will all be stopping at the same popular attractions, which have been thoughtfully preselected for you based on their cultural interest as measured in square footage of parking area.
3. Many tours give everybody a complimentary plastic flight bag with the official tour logo printed on it, which you all carry at all times so you can instantly identify other members of your tour. This is very important when you are in an emergency foreign situation such as, for example, the Louvre Museum in Paris, France, and you need to make an observation such as: “You call that the Mona Lisa? Back home we got illustrated dish towels bigger than that!”
4. Being on a tour is the only way you can be guaranteed of seeing every cathedral in Europe. If you were traveling alone, once you realized that all cathedrals are basically large dark buildings that smell like unwashed gym shorts, you might, in a weak moment, be tempted to skip one or two. But this is not possible on a tour. No sir. Your bus will stop at every single one. In fact, many travel experts recommend that you take a piece of chalk and place a distinctive mark on each cathedral you visit, because sometimes the tour guides, as a prank, will take a group to the same one five or six times in a single afternoon.
Wherever you go on your tour, be sure to take hundreds of color photographs, so that when you get home you can invite your friends and neighbors over for an educational presentation wherein you say, “Okay, now this is one of Bernice standing in front of this cathedral in Bologne, which is in Germany. Or Norway.” And Bernice can say: “No, that cathedral is in England, because I remember I wore my beige pumps in England, because my maroon pumps gave me this awful blister, which finally popped in Notre Dame, which is a cathedral in ... Hey! Where’s everybody going? There’s more pictures!”
Passport
To enter Europe, You must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges Of soliciting sheep. To obtain your passport, you must wait in a federal waiting room with yellow walls for a minimum of two hours, then produce proof of U.S. citizenship in the form of a personal letter from Publishers Clearing House notifying you that you have probably won a million dollars.
Medical Care In Europe
Medical care in Europe is excellent, and you may rest assured that if God forbid anything were to happen to you, the hospital personnel will use only the highest-quality stainless-steel drill to bore a hole in your skull to let out the Evil Spirits.
Ha ha! We are just joshing, of course. There is really nothing at all primitive about European medical care except that in some countries they practice it in foreign languages, meaning you run the risk of entering the hospital complaining of an inflamed appendix and coming out as a member of a completely different gender. This is why many smart travelers take the precaution of having the international symbol for “No Sex-Change Operation, Thank You” tattooed on or near their private parts (A circle with a line through it superimposed over a pair of pruning shears). It’s also a good idea to take along any prescription medication that you might need, as well as a spare pair of eyeglasses, some clean bandages, sutures, a scalpel, a wheelchair, and a CAT-scan machine. Feel free to drink the water in Europe, but don’t touch the food.
Customs
Before they let you into Europe, you have to pass through Customs, so that beady-eyed individuals can root freely through your underwear looking for certain items that are strictly prohibited in Europe, such as cold drinks and functional toilet paper. European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
Helpful Hints for Getting Through Customs
Narcotics: You are not allowed to bring narcotics into Europe, and you are definitely not allowed to sell them to children. It’s a good idea to assure the customs personnel that you are aware of these rules. Try to bring the subject up in a casual manner. “So!” you could say. “Nice weather we’re having here in Europe! By the way, I’m not bringing in any narcotics, and I certainly don’t intend to sell them to children!”
Insects: The Europeans do not want you bringing in insects that will reproduce like crazy and eat all their agriculture. Any insects you bring in must be spayed, and you should be prepared to prove it to the customs officials. “Go ahead!” you should tell them in a challenging manner. “Just try to arouse this insect!”
Tipping: Remember that the customs personnel are working men and women just like everybody else, and they definitely appreciate receiving “a little something” in return for a job well done. Your best approach is to hand them a shiny quarter right up front, then, with a wink and a friendly smile, tell them, “Do a good job with these bags, and there’ll be another one of these for each of you.”
Before they let you into Europe, you have to pass through Customs, so that beady-eyed individuals can root freely through your underwear looking for certain items that are strictly prohibited in Europe, such as cold drinks and functional toilet paper. European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
Helpful Hints for Getting Through Customs
Narcotics: You are not allowed to bring narcotics into Europe, and you are definitely not allowed to sell them to children. It’s a good idea to assure the customs personnel that you are aware of these rules. Try to bring the subject up in a casual manner. “So!” you could say. “Nice weather we’re having here in Europe! By the way, I’m not bringing in any narcotics, and I certainly don’t intend to sell them to children!”
Insects: The Europeans do not want you bringing in insects that will reproduce like crazy and eat all their agriculture. Any insects you bring in must be spayed, and you should be prepared to prove it to the customs officials. “Go ahead!” you should tell them in a challenging manner. “Just try to arouse this insect!”
Tipping: Remember that the customs personnel are working men and women just like everybody else, and they definitely appreciate receiving “a little something” in return for a job well done. Your best approach is to hand them a shiny quarter right up front, then, with a wink and a friendly smile, tell them, “Do a good job with these bags, and there’ll be another one of these for each of you.”
Measurements In Europe
Europe operates under the metric, or communist, system of measurement. The main units are the kilometer, the hectare, the thermometer, the pfennig, the megawatt, the libra, and the epigram. These are all very easy to remember because all you have to do is divide them by a specific number, possibly 100. Or you can use the following handy conversion table:
Metric System Real System One Kilometer equals about five miles Five Kilometers equals about five miles Ten Kilometers equals about five miles Eight Pentagrams equals about five miles 1830 Hours equals about eight days
Driving In Europe
Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby. If you have a valid U.S. driver’s license, you may drive in most European countries, but it’s more efficient to simply leap off a cliff.
Changing Money
Aside from not comprehending menus, changing money is the most popular activity for Americans in Europe. There are money-changing booths everywhere, occupied by little men crouching inside next to incomprehensible signs covered with numbers and letters like this:
UAR 23.402490029
UAW 3049.5858, 2 FOR 43-0394-02342
USA 349239%92182
UCLA 37 USC 14 3rd quarter
These numbers change constantly to reflect the fact that the dollar is getting weaker. The first rule of travel finance is that no matter what is going on elsewhere in the world, the dollar is always getting weaker where you are. By the time you’ve spent a couple of days in a foreign country, the natives will be blowing their noses on the dollar. To change your money, simply give the little man enough dollars to buy a decent used car. He will perform various calculations involving the exchange rate and the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the relative humidity, then thrust out an amount of foreign currency so small that if you threw it into a fountain for good luck, you would immediately be struck by lightning. You should repeat this process after every meal.
How To Use A Bidet
One of the things you’ll need to get used to in Europe is the bidet, which is a bathroom appliance, usually located next to the toilet, that looks like a urinal lying on its back. If you want the Europeans to think that you’re a suave and sophisticated person, as opposed to the nose-picking yahoo that you actually are, you need to learn proper bidet procedure. The number one rule is:
1. Never pee in the bidet.
This is extremely important. This is how the Europeans separate the sheep from the goats, sophisticationwise. In fact, it’s a good idea, when you emerge from a European bathroom, to state in a loud yet casual voice, “Well, I sure didn’t pee in the bidet, ha ha!”
So the question is, what are you supposed to do with a bidet? The answer is: wash your private parts. Really. Now I know what you’re thinking, as an American. You’re thinking: Wait a minute! Don’t they wash their private parts in the shower? The shocking answer is: no. Studies show that Europeans hardly ever even take showers. Highly sophisticated European cultures such as the French also wear the same underwear several days in a row, to the point where individual jockey shorts, when they are finally removed for laundering, have to be subdued with hammers. Thus you can easily see the need for some kind of major hygiene unit in the European bathroom, although you yourself, as an unsophisticated shower-taking American, don’t need to bother with it. But to avoid offending your European hosts, you should at least pretend that you used it when you emerge from the bathroom. “Boy!” you should say. “My private parts are clean as a whistle!” (“Garron! Mes partes de privatude sont net comme un sifflet!”)
Specific Nations In Europe
As we mentioned earlier, Europe is actually made up of specific nations. Although most of them belong to the European Economic Community (NATO)—a multinational organization that administers tariffs, trade, bowling banquets, etc.—each nation has its own customs, traditions, and hand gestures. So the remainder of this chapter will be devoted to a country-by-country breakdown, including helpful tips and points of interest. Although we have made every effort to ensure that this information is both timely and accurate, please bear in mind that (1) conditions are subject to change, and (2) we are a big fat liar.
Austria
Austria is a very wonderful country that we have fond memories of despite the fact that, when we went there, virtually every single person we dealt with tried to shortchange us. We’re sure that this was just a fluke, and we are certainly not going to dwell, in this fair and unbiased travel book, upon the fact that virtually every single person we dealt with in Austria tried to shortchange us. “Let bygones be bygones,” is our motto. Also several times people yelled at us for jaywalking. This will happen to you, in the stricter nations. People over there haven’t had a chance to develop an appreciation for American-style democracy, where it says right in the Constitution that you can jaywalk. But aside from the strictness and the constant short-changing we found Austria to be a really wonderful place, really, even if they did accuse us, in a particularly nasty manner, of not having paid the rental-car deposit, and then, after a lengthy argument in which it finally became clear that we had paid it, they did not apologize at all, but in fact got even nastier, not that this is important, any more than the CHANGING that appeared to be sweeping the nation when we were there. Because the truth is that Austria has many really wonderful attractions, which unfortunately because of space constraints we are unable to list here.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Currency Unit: The Pflugenhaffenlepzeigenhohenzollern (or “Winkle”)
Language: Foreign
Tipping: Not Permitted
Littering Punishable By: Death
Alps: Yes
Taco Bells: No
Belgium
Belgium is a small nation containing people who call themselves—this is true—”Walloons.” They are not ashamed of this at all. “I myself am a Walloon” is the kind of thing they say all the time. It’s called “Walloon Pride.” Belgium also contains people who call themselves “Flemings,” although fortunately there is no actual place called “Flea.” The result of this fascinating cultural mix is that Belgium has a number of official languages, including French, Dutch, German, Italian, Spanish, Greek, Latin, Cajun, Moldavian, and Frantic Arm Gestures.
HISTORY: Because of poor planning on the part of its first king, Roger XVIXMN (1606-present), Belgium was originally located between Germany and France, which for several centuries declared war on each other as often as modern nations declare things like Cheese Appreciation Month. The result was that Belgium became what historians call “The Screen Door of Europe,” constantly getting slammed as various armies went racing through in both directions, often failing to wipe their feet. In the modern era this problem has been solved by moving Belgium to a safer location, up near the Netherlands, Denmark, Luxembourg, Iceland, and Canada, which are known collectively as “The Weenie Nations,” so it’s perfectly safe now. Although we ourselves would take a gas mask.
WHAT TO SEE IN BELGIUM: They have a bunch of buildings.
WHEN TO GO: This Wednesday would be good. But not next Monday, because Belgium has a dental appointment. It is also closed during the festival of the Six Kinds of Mustard.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Currency Unit: The Pfarthing
Height: Average
Motto: Dieu et Droit Pour La Veritd (“I Spit On Your Zither”)
Favorite Song: “Mustang Sally”
Bulgaria
There’s always plenty to see and do in Bulgaria!
Denmark
Denmark (also called “Norway”) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who Wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane. But this did not stop them from being bold mariners who actually reached North America before Columbus did, although they were stripped of the title when blood tests revealed that they had used steroids.
Modern-day Denmark is a tourism wonderland, boasting a year-round average temperature of 14 degrees Centipede (108 degrees Richter). The most famous city is Copenhagen, where Hans Christian Andersen wrote such pioneering children’s classics as Horton Hears a Whom and The Ugly Teenaged Mutant Ninja Duckling. While in Copenhagen you simply must take a stroll down Bjarnkvaalastraadenjkrn, taking a left on Kveljnoriagnarbenkanklen, then your first right onto Hralgnekjarnklenvaagendam. Go up to a man wearing a green overcoat and tell him: “The oyster owns a fine wristwatch.” He will know what to do.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Language: Swedish Currency Unit: The Rune (12 Runes = 1 Kvetch) National Anthem: “Vie Aar Knut Hebben Nu Longkenflukn” (“We Are Not Having Any Lung Flukes”)
England
England is one of four nations, along with Ireland, Scotland, and New Zealand, that make up the British Isles. England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. Usually, however, when they get to the crucial part of a sentence they’ll use words that they made up, such as “scone” and “ironmonger.” As a sophisticated traveler, you should learn some British words so you can avoid communications mixups, as is shown by these examples:
Example 1: The Unsophisticated Traveler
ENGLISH WAITER: May I help you?
TRAVELER: I’d like an inedible roll, please.
ENGLISH WAITER (confused): Huh?
Example 2: The Sophisticated Traveler
ENGLISH WAITER: May I help you?
TRAVELER: I’d like an ironmonger, please.
ENGLISH WAITER: Coming right up!
Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. Some traditional English dishes are Toad in the Hole, Bubble and Squeak, Cock-a-Leekie Soup, Spotted Dick, Bug-in-a-Bucket, Willie One-Polyp, Tonsil-and-Toast, Whack-a-Doodle Johnson, and Fester Pudding. Attractive displays of these dishes—some of them dating back to the sixteenth century—can be found in bars called “pubs,” where the English traditionally gather to drink, glance at the food, and continue drinking.
But the main attraction in England is history. You cannot throw a scone in England without hitting a hallowed ancient object such as the actual chair that King Ralph the Easily Amused sat in when he made peace with the Duke of Whomping in 1123. You should definitely visit as many of these historic sites as you can before you starve. Among the most important ones are:
The Tower of London: This is the home of the Crown Jewels, a collection of gem-encrusted swords, headwear, plates, and utensils such as the priceless Spatula of India, all guarded by the famous “Beefeaters.” The Crown Jewels belong to the royal family, whose members tried for centuries to get them back, only to have their heads whacked off by the famous Beefeaters, which is why the royal family now uses paper plates.
Arizona Bridge: This was originally located in Arizona, but was moved to London as a tourist attraction in 1362 by King Eddreth the Big Fan of Onions.
Westminster Abbey: This is an extremely old building where many famous dead British people such as John Milton (Bass player for the Kinks), Rudyard Kipling, and Charlie Watts are buried in the floor. It’s not clear why the British did this. The best we can figure is that it must have been raining very hard during the funerals, and somebody said, “What the hell, let’s just bury them right here in the floor.”
Buckingham Palace: This is, of course, the home of the famous British royal family, which upholds many ancient cherished British traditions such as the tradition of Wearing Comical Hats and the tradition of Appearing on the Cover of People Magazine at Least Once Per Month (“Fergie: Does She Have Shingles?”). Each day thousands of tourists gather at the palace to watch the famous ceremony of the Changing of the Guard, which follows the ceremonies of the Bathing of the Guard and the Sprinkling of Some Talcum Powder on the Guard’s Butt.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Thruppence (2 Thruppence = 2 Bodkins)
Sign: Capricorn
Track: Wet
Queen’s Wardrobe By: Mister Duane’s House of Vision Impairment
Finland
Located partly inside the Arctic Circle, Finland has long been a popular destination with travelers who enjoy the feeling of knowing that if their car breaks down, they could be eaten by wolves. Finland is also the home of the sauna, which is a wooden box in which you subject Your body to extreme heat, which causes you to become very relaxed, unless of course the door gets stuck. in which case it causes you to become lasagna. We ourselves prefer to stay outside and take our chances with the wolves.
The major city in Finland is Helsinki, home of the world-famous Gverjkinklankerwanker, or “Tower of Linoleum.”
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Fermkin
Form of Government: A small but powerful woman named Helga
Brad: Oh, Marcia, I have missed you so! Marcia: Oh, Brad, really? (They embrace)
France
First of all, let’s dispense with this absurd stereotypical notion that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose master chefs have a well-deserved worldwide reputation for trying to trick people into eating snails. Nobody is sure how this got started, Probably a couple of French master chefs were standing around one day, and they found a snail, and one of them said: “I’ll bet that if we called this something like ‘escargot’ tourists would eat it.” Then they had a hearty laugh, because “escargot” is the French word for “fat crawling bag of phlegm.”
This spirit of daring culinary innovation persists in France, which has also pioneered such advances as:
The entree that costs as much as a set of radial tires and consists of a very large plate that appears at first to be totally empty except for a tiny speck of dirt that turns out, upon closer inspection, to be the entree. (A top French chef can carry an entire year’s supply of entrees in his wallet.)
The waiter who makes it extremely clear that he did not get into the waiter business to waste his valuable time actually waiting on people, especially not lowlife scum such as yourself who clearly would not know the difference between fine French cuisine and Cheez Whiz.
The tip that is automatically included For Your Convenience even if your food arrives festooned with armpit hairs (les haires du pitte).
So you will definitely want to go to some fine French restaurants. We don’t mean go inside them. We mean stand around outside with the other tourists staring incomprehendingly at the menu, which should look like this:
CARTE DE MENU
Les Petites Eyeballes de Mackerelle en Huile de Voiture Le Debenture en Camisole au Bibliothi6que Le Spamme avec un Side de Fries Le Poisson du Votre Fr6re Raoul Le Roni du Zoo en La Ware de la Tupper Prix Pour Le Wholle Ball de Waxe:
156,000,000,000,000,000 Franks. Le Financing Available
“Vouz Tried the Rest, Now Try Le Best.
Once You’ve looked at the menu for a while, it’s time to enjoy a hearty one-ounce bag of peanuts saved from your plane trip over, then set out to view:
The Attractions of France
One of the main attractions is of course the world-famous Eiffel Tower, which created a lot of controversy when it was erected in 1889 because the builder, Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, had presold it as a condominium. “Where the hell are the walls?” the buyers wanted to know. “Where are we supposed to go to the bathroom?” This is still a problem at the tower, so don’t stand too close.
Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave men and women who have died trying to visit it, which we do not recommend because it’s located in the middle of La Place de la Traffic Coming from All Directions at 1 14 Miles Per Hour. But you should
definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where You can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa, which actually was stolen in 1978, but the crowd is so dense that it doesn’t matter. People come away convinced that they’ve seen it, similar to the way people in underdeveloped nations are always seeing the face of Jesus on the skins of yams. Also in the Louvre are various statues with pieces missing—visitors are welcome to try to patch these up.
A Good Conversation-Starter in France: “I guess you guys really bit the big one in World War Two, huh?”
FACTS AT A GLANCE
National Underwear Chonging Day: March 1 2
Official Dance: The Gotor
Germany
Germany is really a very nice nation that used to have an unfortunate tendency to fall in with the wrong crowd every few decades and try to take over the world. But that is all in the past, thank goodness.
After years of painful division, East and West Germany are finally back together as a large, vibrant, strong, dynamic, extremely powerful and heavily armed nation that we are sure will be a Good Neighbor for ... LOOK OUT! HERE THEY COME!!
Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, “Sprechnehaltenzoltenfus senmachschnitzerkalbenrollen.” Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about:
FIRST GERMAN: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
SECOND GERMAN: I don’t know! How many?
FIRST GERMAN: Let’s invade Poland and find out!
MILLIONS OF OTHER GERMANS: Okay!
No! We’re just kidding! Probably! The truth is that we like Germany a lot. In fact, we celebrated our fortieth birthday there with some friends, the idea being that if we were going to get old, we should do it while surrounded by the maximum possible quantity of beer. They have wonderful beer in Germany, and they serve it in containers so large that, in other nations, they would be used as shelters for the homeless. This gives new meaning to the concept of “having a beer.” In the United States, “having a beer” is a semi-harmless act that leaves you feeling slightly mellow, whereas in Germany it can leave you dancing naked on the roof of a moving bus (This requires a permit; ask your travel agent).
Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the “wurst.” This is a delicious item made by compressing random pig parts until they have reached the density of bowling balls, then serving them in long brown units that don’t look at all like large bowel movements, so just put that thought right out of your mind. At first, all worsts seem the same, but in fact each region of the country has its own “special recipe,” thus producing a wide variety for your eating excitement. Some of our personal favorites are:
Blattwurst: Compressed pig parts served in 7-inch units Grosswurst: Compressed pig parts served in 8-inch units Wurstwurst: Compressed pig parts served in 7.5-inch units
The list just goes on and on. There is an old German saying that goes, “By the time you have eaten all of the worsts of Germany, you will have pig parts coming out the Wazzenschnicter.” This certainly proved to be true in our case.
What to Do in Germany
There are a great many spectacularly beautiful villages in Germany, as well as numerous important historic and cultural sites, but you should skip all these because the thing to do is drive really fast. They have these roads in Germany called “autobahns” (meaning, literally, “bahns of the auto”) where you can go as fast as you want because there is no speed limit. Really! You can get out there and drive like an amphetamine-crazed maniac, and the police will do nothing! And if you don’t have a car, you can just steal one, because car theft is also legal on the autobahn! So are vagrancy, tax evasion, mail fraud, gambling, narcotics trafficking, and full-body massage! You are going to love the autobahn.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Doppler
Barometer: Falling
Motto: Vie Guessen Der Coninen Nicht Chompen (“These Dogs Probably Will Not Bite you”)
Greece
Greece is where we get a large amount of our Western culture. For example, Zorba the Greek came from there. So did democracy, which is made up of two Greek words, “demo,” meaning “people,” and “cracy,” meaning “wearing stupid hats.” The
Greeks also gave us the Pythagorean theorem, although after we graduated from high school we gave it back.
Getting to Greece
This is a necessary first step.
Attractions to See in Greece
The biggest city that we have heard of in Greece is Athens. According to ancient myth, Athens was created when Poseidon, the God of Adventure, struck the ground with his trident, which upset Ramona, the Goddess of Humidity and Ranch Dressing, who told Dagmar, the God of Variable-Rate Mortgages, who got so mad that he punched Raoul, the God of Those Little Colored Things You Sprinkle on Cupcakes, and as a result Athens was formed. Of course we now realize that this is stupid. Nevertheless many important old monuments remain from this period, including the Metropolis, the Pentathlon, Monticello, the Telethon, and the Tomb of Reebok. All of these contain a great deal of very important architecture that you are welcome to chip off little pieces of for Show and Tell. Outside of Athens is another popular area known to locals as the rest of Greece.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Sheep
Form of Government: Vague
Liquor Bottles with Worms Inside: Yes
Holland
Holland, also known as “The Hinterlands” or “Sweden,” is a plucky nation that has created large sectors of new land by pushing back the sea with a sophisticated complex of dikes that have held up extremely well so far thanks to the vigilance of the Dutch people, as dramatized by the story of the Little Dutch Boy. Remember him? He was walking along one day many years ago when he saw a small leak in one of the dikes, so he plugged the hole with his finger, thereby saving the entire nation. Talk about pluck! Of course he’s an old man now, and he has taken to telling passersby that one of these days he’s going to pull his finger back out of the goddamn dike and the hell with everybody, but this is no reason for you, as a visitor, to be alarmed, because as a safety precaution, every item of furniture in Holland is legally required to also be usable as a flotation device. Your smart tourist never goes anywhere in the country without carrying, at minimum, a dinette table.
What to See in Holland
The largest city in Holland is Amsterdam, a cultural center that boasts many beautiful historic churches that you can later claim you were visiting when You were in fact looking at live naked sex shows involving as many as 117 individual humans and the occasional unit of livestock. Also do not miss the Vincent van Gogh Museum, where you can play the popular Whack-an-Ear Game. Out in the countryside you can see windmills, many of which are still used for milling wind, as well as millions and millions and millions of tulips, so you’ll probably just want to stick with the live naked sex shows.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Grunder
Unit of Livestock’s Stage Name: “Bossy”
Iceland
According to a competing travel guidebook, Iceland offers—this is a direct quote—”boiling mud pools.” We’re on our way!
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Tusk
Biggest Industry: Jumper Cables
Motto: “Skiaorgit Kiooorsklangelt KfvoOOOOO” (“Are There Any Boiling Mud Pools Around HEEEEEE ...”)
Ireland
Ireland is not a large country. A competing guidebook states that “you could drop its entire area into Lake Superior.” We certainly do not wish to start rumors, but sometimes we wonder whether these competing guidebooks are on some kind of narcotics. A quick glance at the map will show you that Ireland is in fact nowhere near Lake Superior, which is located in Maine. So if your vacation plans include dropping Ireland into a major body of water, a much better choice, in our opinion, would be the Irish Sea, which is far more conveniently located, although during the peak season we do recommend that you have reservations.
Of course there is more to Ireland than water sports. There is also the Irish people, a warm and friendly lot who are constantly saying things like “Begorrah!” (Literally, “Your brother Raoul is a fish!”). Alcohol will do this to people.
The History of Ireland
The history of Ireland dates back a long time to the original inhabitants, the Picts, who were a fun-loving tribe known for their wit. “You sure Pict a winner that time!” is the kind of thing they were always saying, until finally a neighboring tribe called the Celtics got sick and tired of it and came in and, in 432 B.C. on October 8, defeated the Picts in the Battle of Defeating the Picts when John Havlicek sank two free throws in overtime. This led to a long period of time that is virtually incomprehensible if you read about it in the 1966 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica, which is what we are trying to do, and we are getting a real headache because of sentences like this:
A well-known territorial unit was the tricha cet, corresponding, Giraldus Cambrensis says (Topographia Hibernica, III, 5), to the Welsh cantref, 100 households (villae).
Ha ha! We bet that Giraldus Cambrensis was one fun dude to hang around with! But anyway, Irish history continued to occur right up to the present time, which is where, according to our calculations, we stand today.
What to See in Ireland
The main thing to do in Ireland, as Giraldus “Party Animal” Cambrensis states (Topographia Hibernica, IVCXXII, section 3, row d, seat 6), is “sit around and drink.” But no trip to Ireland is complete without a trip to Blarney Castle, where you can kiss the famous Blarney Stone, which, according to ancient legend, bestows upon each person who kisses it a mild but persistent mouth fungus.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Whelk
Households Per Tricha Cet: 100
Shave and a Haircut: Two Bits
Italy
We are definitely talking about a warm and friendly nation here. This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. One time we were at a restaurant near Rome eating a medium-sized Italian lunch consisting of enough pasta to feed Lithuania for six months, and we happened to mention that the wine tasted good. So the restaurant owner insisted that everybody in our party had to go see his wine cellar, which involved climbing down a set of steep rickety stairs into the kind of dark, dank, spider-infested basement that you often see in horror movies, wherein some doomed character goes slowly down the stairs while dramatic music plays in the background and the theater audience is shouting, “DON’T GO DOWN THERE, YOU FOOL!” because they know there’s a lunatic lurking in the darkness with a machete and an industrial staple gun. This basement was like that, only it was occupied by something even more dangerous than a homicidal maniac, namely, numerous barrels of wine, which the restaurant owner insisted that we had to drink many samples from, and quite frankly we wonder how we got out of there. In fact some members of our party may still be down there with the spiders, and we urge you to stop in and see them (the spiders) during normal visiting hours.
Speaking of normal visiting hours, Italy doesn’t have any, as far as we can tell. Nothing is ever open when it’s supposed to be open or closed when it’s supposed to be closed, nor does it cost what it’s supposed to cost. Also, the buses never seem to go where they’re supposed to go. We realize we’re making a sweeping generalization here, but as Giraldus Cambrensis so eloquently put it in Topographia Hibernica, “tough shit.” Nevertheless we urge you to spend some time in this country, although as a precautionary measure you should lose a couple of hundred pounds first.
What to See in Italy
The major city is of course Rome, which got its name from the fact that the Romans used to live there before the Fall of the Roman Empire. Their mother warned them that this would happen. “If you leave your empire there, it’s going to fall!” she said, but unfortunately they did not understand English.
Nevertheless, the Romans built many large broken objects that you should definitely see, such as the Renaissance, the Piles of Seemingly Random Dirty Stones, and the Colosseum, which was the site of Super Bowl I. You must also visit Vatican City, where you may see the famous Sistine Chapel, which the famous Anthony L. “Michael” Angelo had to paint—Believe It or Not!—while lying on his back, because due to a contractor error the Sistine Chapel is only 18 inches high, so comfortable clothes are recommended. The Vatican is also the home of the Pope, who, if you pound very hard on his door, will be happy to come out and entertain the kids by twisting balloons into hilarious animal shapes. Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer; and Florence, home of one of Michael Angelo’s most famous works, the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Southern Italy is the site of the incredible village of Pompeii, which nearly 2,000 years ago was buried under tons of volcanic ash and is therefore invisible. We don’t know why we even brought it up.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Lira (1,000,000,000,000,000 lire = Nothing)
Unit of Time: “A Few Minutes” (A Few Minutes = Two Days)
Hand Gestures: Permitted
Liechtenstein and Luxembourg
To the best of our knowledge these are not European nations. These are minor characters in William Shakespeare’s famous play Hamlet II: The Next Day, featuring the famous “shower scene” wherein the immortal bard displays his rollicking wit at its best:
LIECHTENSTEIN: What dost thine taxon augur vepnelsound? Nor capsuled repwell florgin haren’t ground!
LUXEMBOURG: Ha ha!
Norway
See “Denmark.”
Poland
Poland has experienced a tremendous amount of history due to the fact that it has no natural defensible borders, which makes it very easy to conquer. Many times the other nations didn’t even mean to invade Poland; one night they’d simply forget to set the parking brakes on their tanks, and they’d wake up the next morning to discover that, whoosh, they had conquered Poland.
But thanks to advances in international law such as the speed bump, Poland is now a totally independent nation, and it has managed to greatly improve its lifestyle thanks to the introduction of modern Western conveniences such as food. Today Poland proudly boasts the nickname “The North Dakota of Europe,” and is well worth a visit if you happen to be in the neighborhood for some reason, such as your plane has crashed.
What to See in Poland
They have some really sharp tractors.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Grzbwczwcz
Population: 30 million
Light-Bulb-Changing Capability: 10 million
Portugal
Portugal is a small but, we are sure, proud nation located somewhere in Europe and boasting a history. During the Age of Exploration, Portugal produced many great navigators, men such as Vasco da Gama (literally, “Vasco the Gama”), who set out across the vast, stormy Atlantic Ocean in tiny ships, which of course immediately sank like stones, thus paving the way for the Age of Remaining on Land. Today the main industry in Portugal is manufacturing the famous Portuguese man-of-war, which is a type of jellyfish that can sting you to death if provoked, so tipping is strongly recommended.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Arriba
Language: None
Spain
At one time Spain was one of the world’s great powers, although under the leadership of General Francisco Franco (1578-1983) the nation gradually declined into total insignificance. There is no need, however, for you to rub this in. Be gracious, is our advice. For example, in a restaurant you might exclaim: “This food is certainly delicious! Especially considering that Spain is now a fourth-rate power!”
Your hosts are sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness, and may even insist that you join in one of Spain’s most glorious traditions: Getting Run Over by Bulls. This extremely exciting event, wherein live irate bulls are set loose in public streets, was originally held during the Festival of St. Raoul of the Fishes (October 8), but it has become so popular that in heavily touristed areas the bulls are released several times a day, sometimes in hotel lobbies. Wear comfortable shoes.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Caramba
Closed: Weekdays
Sweden
See “Norway.”
Switzerland
When we think of Switzerland, the picturesque image that springs into our minds is that of men standing on top of Alps wearing comical shorts and making sounds that can only result from a major hormonal imbalance. But Switzerland is also famous for its tidiness. It makes some of the other tidy nations, such as Germany and Austria, look like giant septic tanks. Switzerland has an extremely strict Neatness Code. If you appear in public with your hair mussed up, or armpit stains on your shirt, the famous Swiss Neatness Police will suck you up with a giant vacuum cleaner and put you in a jail cell infested with sanitary laboratory rats. You would probably rot in there, but Switzerland doesn’t even permit bacteria.
What to Do in Switzerland
You should open a Swiss bank account, because (a) you get a toaster and (b) you never have to pay income taxes again. The Internal Revenue Service has no jurisdiction in Switzerland. When you fill out your tax return, you just write, “Ba ha, I have a Swiss bank account and just TRY TO GET IT, YOU SUCKERS!” and all the IRS can do is gnash its teeth. You can trust us when we tell you this. We’re a guidebook.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Cubit
This Chapter Is Finally: Finished
Time for a: Beer
As we mentioned earlier, Europe is actually made up of specific nations. Although most of them belong to the European Economic Community (NATO)—a multinational organization that administers tariffs, trade, bowling banquets, etc.—each nation has its own customs, traditions, and hand gestures. So the remainder of this chapter will be devoted to a country-by-country breakdown, including helpful tips and points of interest. Although we have made every effort to ensure that this information is both timely and accurate, please bear in mind that (1) conditions are subject to change, and (2) we are a big fat liar.
Austria
Austria is a very wonderful country that we have fond memories of despite the fact that, when we went there, virtually every single person we dealt with tried to shortchange us. We’re sure that this was just a fluke, and we are certainly not going to dwell, in this fair and unbiased travel book, upon the fact that virtually every single person we dealt with in Austria tried to shortchange us. “Let bygones be bygones,” is our motto. Also several times people yelled at us for jaywalking. This will happen to you, in the stricter nations. People over there haven’t had a chance to develop an appreciation for American-style democracy, where it says right in the Constitution that you can jaywalk. But aside from the strictness and the constant short-changing we found Austria to be a really wonderful place, really, even if they did accuse us, in a particularly nasty manner, of not having paid the rental-car deposit, and then, after a lengthy argument in which it finally became clear that we had paid it, they did not apologize at all, but in fact got even nastier, not that this is important, any more than the CHANGING that appeared to be sweeping the nation when we were there. Because the truth is that Austria has many really wonderful attractions, which unfortunately because of space constraints we are unable to list here.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Currency Unit: The Pflugenhaffenlepzeigenhohenzollern (or “Winkle”)
Language: Foreign
Tipping: Not Permitted
Littering Punishable By: Death
Alps: Yes
Taco Bells: No
Belgium
Belgium is a small nation containing people who call themselves—this is true—”Walloons.” They are not ashamed of this at all. “I myself am a Walloon” is the kind of thing they say all the time. It’s called “Walloon Pride.” Belgium also contains people who call themselves “Flemings,” although fortunately there is no actual place called “Flea.” The result of this fascinating cultural mix is that Belgium has a number of official languages, including French, Dutch, German, Italian, Spanish, Greek, Latin, Cajun, Moldavian, and Frantic Arm Gestures.
HISTORY: Because of poor planning on the part of its first king, Roger XVIXMN (1606-present), Belgium was originally located between Germany and France, which for several centuries declared war on each other as often as modern nations declare things like Cheese Appreciation Month. The result was that Belgium became what historians call “The Screen Door of Europe,” constantly getting slammed as various armies went racing through in both directions, often failing to wipe their feet. In the modern era this problem has been solved by moving Belgium to a safer location, up near the Netherlands, Denmark, Luxembourg, Iceland, and Canada, which are known collectively as “The Weenie Nations,” so it’s perfectly safe now. Although we ourselves would take a gas mask.
WHAT TO SEE IN BELGIUM: They have a bunch of buildings.
WHEN TO GO: This Wednesday would be good. But not next Monday, because Belgium has a dental appointment. It is also closed during the festival of the Six Kinds of Mustard.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Currency Unit: The Pfarthing
Height: Average
Motto: Dieu et Droit Pour La Veritd (“I Spit On Your Zither”)
Favorite Song: “Mustang Sally”
Bulgaria
There’s always plenty to see and do in Bulgaria!
Denmark
Denmark (also called “Norway”) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who Wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane. But this did not stop them from being bold mariners who actually reached North America before Columbus did, although they were stripped of the title when blood tests revealed that they had used steroids.
Modern-day Denmark is a tourism wonderland, boasting a year-round average temperature of 14 degrees Centipede (108 degrees Richter). The most famous city is Copenhagen, where Hans Christian Andersen wrote such pioneering children’s classics as Horton Hears a Whom and The Ugly Teenaged Mutant Ninja Duckling. While in Copenhagen you simply must take a stroll down Bjarnkvaalastraadenjkrn, taking a left on Kveljnoriagnarbenkanklen, then your first right onto Hralgnekjarnklenvaagendam. Go up to a man wearing a green overcoat and tell him: “The oyster owns a fine wristwatch.” He will know what to do.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Language: Swedish Currency Unit: The Rune (12 Runes = 1 Kvetch) National Anthem: “Vie Aar Knut Hebben Nu Longkenflukn” (“We Are Not Having Any Lung Flukes”)
England
England is one of four nations, along with Ireland, Scotland, and New Zealand, that make up the British Isles. England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. Usually, however, when they get to the crucial part of a sentence they’ll use words that they made up, such as “scone” and “ironmonger.” As a sophisticated traveler, you should learn some British words so you can avoid communications mixups, as is shown by these examples:
Example 1: The Unsophisticated Traveler
ENGLISH WAITER: May I help you?
TRAVELER: I’d like an inedible roll, please.
ENGLISH WAITER (confused): Huh?
Example 2: The Sophisticated Traveler
ENGLISH WAITER: May I help you?
TRAVELER: I’d like an ironmonger, please.
ENGLISH WAITER: Coming right up!
Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. Some traditional English dishes are Toad in the Hole, Bubble and Squeak, Cock-a-Leekie Soup, Spotted Dick, Bug-in-a-Bucket, Willie One-Polyp, Tonsil-and-Toast, Whack-a-Doodle Johnson, and Fester Pudding. Attractive displays of these dishes—some of them dating back to the sixteenth century—can be found in bars called “pubs,” where the English traditionally gather to drink, glance at the food, and continue drinking.
But the main attraction in England is history. You cannot throw a scone in England without hitting a hallowed ancient object such as the actual chair that King Ralph the Easily Amused sat in when he made peace with the Duke of Whomping in 1123. You should definitely visit as many of these historic sites as you can before you starve. Among the most important ones are:
The Tower of London: This is the home of the Crown Jewels, a collection of gem-encrusted swords, headwear, plates, and utensils such as the priceless Spatula of India, all guarded by the famous “Beefeaters.” The Crown Jewels belong to the royal family, whose members tried for centuries to get them back, only to have their heads whacked off by the famous Beefeaters, which is why the royal family now uses paper plates.
Arizona Bridge: This was originally located in Arizona, but was moved to London as a tourist attraction in 1362 by King Eddreth the Big Fan of Onions.
Westminster Abbey: This is an extremely old building where many famous dead British people such as John Milton (Bass player for the Kinks), Rudyard Kipling, and Charlie Watts are buried in the floor. It’s not clear why the British did this. The best we can figure is that it must have been raining very hard during the funerals, and somebody said, “What the hell, let’s just bury them right here in the floor.”
Buckingham Palace: This is, of course, the home of the famous British royal family, which upholds many ancient cherished British traditions such as the tradition of Wearing Comical Hats and the tradition of Appearing on the Cover of People Magazine at Least Once Per Month (“Fergie: Does She Have Shingles?”). Each day thousands of tourists gather at the palace to watch the famous ceremony of the Changing of the Guard, which follows the ceremonies of the Bathing of the Guard and the Sprinkling of Some Talcum Powder on the Guard’s Butt.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Thruppence (2 Thruppence = 2 Bodkins)
Sign: Capricorn
Track: Wet
Queen’s Wardrobe By: Mister Duane’s House of Vision Impairment
Finland
Located partly inside the Arctic Circle, Finland has long been a popular destination with travelers who enjoy the feeling of knowing that if their car breaks down, they could be eaten by wolves. Finland is also the home of the sauna, which is a wooden box in which you subject Your body to extreme heat, which causes you to become very relaxed, unless of course the door gets stuck. in which case it causes you to become lasagna. We ourselves prefer to stay outside and take our chances with the wolves.
The major city in Finland is Helsinki, home of the world-famous Gverjkinklankerwanker, or “Tower of Linoleum.”
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Fermkin
Form of Government: A small but powerful woman named Helga
Brad: Oh, Marcia, I have missed you so! Marcia: Oh, Brad, really? (They embrace)
France
First of all, let’s dispense with this absurd stereotypical notion that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose master chefs have a well-deserved worldwide reputation for trying to trick people into eating snails. Nobody is sure how this got started, Probably a couple of French master chefs were standing around one day, and they found a snail, and one of them said: “I’ll bet that if we called this something like ‘escargot’ tourists would eat it.” Then they had a hearty laugh, because “escargot” is the French word for “fat crawling bag of phlegm.”
This spirit of daring culinary innovation persists in France, which has also pioneered such advances as:
The entree that costs as much as a set of radial tires and consists of a very large plate that appears at first to be totally empty except for a tiny speck of dirt that turns out, upon closer inspection, to be the entree. (A top French chef can carry an entire year’s supply of entrees in his wallet.)
The waiter who makes it extremely clear that he did not get into the waiter business to waste his valuable time actually waiting on people, especially not lowlife scum such as yourself who clearly would not know the difference between fine French cuisine and Cheez Whiz.
The tip that is automatically included For Your Convenience even if your food arrives festooned with armpit hairs (les haires du pitte).
So you will definitely want to go to some fine French restaurants. We don’t mean go inside them. We mean stand around outside with the other tourists staring incomprehendingly at the menu, which should look like this:
CARTE DE MENU
Les Petites Eyeballes de Mackerelle en Huile de Voiture Le Debenture en Camisole au Bibliothi6que Le Spamme avec un Side de Fries Le Poisson du Votre Fr6re Raoul Le Roni du Zoo en La Ware de la Tupper Prix Pour Le Wholle Ball de Waxe:
156,000,000,000,000,000 Franks. Le Financing Available
“Vouz Tried the Rest, Now Try Le Best.
Once You’ve looked at the menu for a while, it’s time to enjoy a hearty one-ounce bag of peanuts saved from your plane trip over, then set out to view:
The Attractions of France
One of the main attractions is of course the world-famous Eiffel Tower, which created a lot of controversy when it was erected in 1889 because the builder, Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, had presold it as a condominium. “Where the hell are the walls?” the buyers wanted to know. “Where are we supposed to go to the bathroom?” This is still a problem at the tower, so don’t stand too close.
Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave men and women who have died trying to visit it, which we do not recommend because it’s located in the middle of La Place de la Traffic Coming from All Directions at 1 14 Miles Per Hour. But you should
definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where You can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa, which actually was stolen in 1978, but the crowd is so dense that it doesn’t matter. People come away convinced that they’ve seen it, similar to the way people in underdeveloped nations are always seeing the face of Jesus on the skins of yams. Also in the Louvre are various statues with pieces missing—visitors are welcome to try to patch these up.
A Good Conversation-Starter in France: “I guess you guys really bit the big one in World War Two, huh?”
FACTS AT A GLANCE
National Underwear Chonging Day: March 1 2
Official Dance: The Gotor
Germany
Germany is really a very nice nation that used to have an unfortunate tendency to fall in with the wrong crowd every few decades and try to take over the world. But that is all in the past, thank goodness.
After years of painful division, East and West Germany are finally back together as a large, vibrant, strong, dynamic, extremely powerful and heavily armed nation that we are sure will be a Good Neighbor for ... LOOK OUT! HERE THEY COME!!
Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, “Sprechnehaltenzoltenfus senmachschnitzerkalbenrollen.” Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about:
FIRST GERMAN: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
SECOND GERMAN: I don’t know! How many?
FIRST GERMAN: Let’s invade Poland and find out!
MILLIONS OF OTHER GERMANS: Okay!
No! We’re just kidding! Probably! The truth is that we like Germany a lot. In fact, we celebrated our fortieth birthday there with some friends, the idea being that if we were going to get old, we should do it while surrounded by the maximum possible quantity of beer. They have wonderful beer in Germany, and they serve it in containers so large that, in other nations, they would be used as shelters for the homeless. This gives new meaning to the concept of “having a beer.” In the United States, “having a beer” is a semi-harmless act that leaves you feeling slightly mellow, whereas in Germany it can leave you dancing naked on the roof of a moving bus (This requires a permit; ask your travel agent).
Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the “wurst.” This is a delicious item made by compressing random pig parts until they have reached the density of bowling balls, then serving them in long brown units that don’t look at all like large bowel movements, so just put that thought right out of your mind. At first, all worsts seem the same, but in fact each region of the country has its own “special recipe,” thus producing a wide variety for your eating excitement. Some of our personal favorites are:
Blattwurst: Compressed pig parts served in 7-inch units Grosswurst: Compressed pig parts served in 8-inch units Wurstwurst: Compressed pig parts served in 7.5-inch units
The list just goes on and on. There is an old German saying that goes, “By the time you have eaten all of the worsts of Germany, you will have pig parts coming out the Wazzenschnicter.” This certainly proved to be true in our case.
What to Do in Germany
There are a great many spectacularly beautiful villages in Germany, as well as numerous important historic and cultural sites, but you should skip all these because the thing to do is drive really fast. They have these roads in Germany called “autobahns” (meaning, literally, “bahns of the auto”) where you can go as fast as you want because there is no speed limit. Really! You can get out there and drive like an amphetamine-crazed maniac, and the police will do nothing! And if you don’t have a car, you can just steal one, because car theft is also legal on the autobahn! So are vagrancy, tax evasion, mail fraud, gambling, narcotics trafficking, and full-body massage! You are going to love the autobahn.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Doppler
Barometer: Falling
Motto: Vie Guessen Der Coninen Nicht Chompen (“These Dogs Probably Will Not Bite you”)
Greece
Greece is where we get a large amount of our Western culture. For example, Zorba the Greek came from there. So did democracy, which is made up of two Greek words, “demo,” meaning “people,” and “cracy,” meaning “wearing stupid hats.” The
Greeks also gave us the Pythagorean theorem, although after we graduated from high school we gave it back.
Getting to Greece
This is a necessary first step.
Attractions to See in Greece
The biggest city that we have heard of in Greece is Athens. According to ancient myth, Athens was created when Poseidon, the God of Adventure, struck the ground with his trident, which upset Ramona, the Goddess of Humidity and Ranch Dressing, who told Dagmar, the God of Variable-Rate Mortgages, who got so mad that he punched Raoul, the God of Those Little Colored Things You Sprinkle on Cupcakes, and as a result Athens was formed. Of course we now realize that this is stupid. Nevertheless many important old monuments remain from this period, including the Metropolis, the Pentathlon, Monticello, the Telethon, and the Tomb of Reebok. All of these contain a great deal of very important architecture that you are welcome to chip off little pieces of for Show and Tell. Outside of Athens is another popular area known to locals as the rest of Greece.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Sheep
Form of Government: Vague
Liquor Bottles with Worms Inside: Yes
Holland
Holland, also known as “The Hinterlands” or “Sweden,” is a plucky nation that has created large sectors of new land by pushing back the sea with a sophisticated complex of dikes that have held up extremely well so far thanks to the vigilance of the Dutch people, as dramatized by the story of the Little Dutch Boy. Remember him? He was walking along one day many years ago when he saw a small leak in one of the dikes, so he plugged the hole with his finger, thereby saving the entire nation. Talk about pluck! Of course he’s an old man now, and he has taken to telling passersby that one of these days he’s going to pull his finger back out of the goddamn dike and the hell with everybody, but this is no reason for you, as a visitor, to be alarmed, because as a safety precaution, every item of furniture in Holland is legally required to also be usable as a flotation device. Your smart tourist never goes anywhere in the country without carrying, at minimum, a dinette table.
What to See in Holland
The largest city in Holland is Amsterdam, a cultural center that boasts many beautiful historic churches that you can later claim you were visiting when You were in fact looking at live naked sex shows involving as many as 117 individual humans and the occasional unit of livestock. Also do not miss the Vincent van Gogh Museum, where you can play the popular Whack-an-Ear Game. Out in the countryside you can see windmills, many of which are still used for milling wind, as well as millions and millions and millions of tulips, so you’ll probably just want to stick with the live naked sex shows.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Grunder
Unit of Livestock’s Stage Name: “Bossy”
Iceland
According to a competing travel guidebook, Iceland offers—this is a direct quote—”boiling mud pools.” We’re on our way!
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Tusk
Biggest Industry: Jumper Cables
Motto: “Skiaorgit Kiooorsklangelt KfvoOOOOO” (“Are There Any Boiling Mud Pools Around HEEEEEE ...”)
Ireland
Ireland is not a large country. A competing guidebook states that “you could drop its entire area into Lake Superior.” We certainly do not wish to start rumors, but sometimes we wonder whether these competing guidebooks are on some kind of narcotics. A quick glance at the map will show you that Ireland is in fact nowhere near Lake Superior, which is located in Maine. So if your vacation plans include dropping Ireland into a major body of water, a much better choice, in our opinion, would be the Irish Sea, which is far more conveniently located, although during the peak season we do recommend that you have reservations.
Of course there is more to Ireland than water sports. There is also the Irish people, a warm and friendly lot who are constantly saying things like “Begorrah!” (Literally, “Your brother Raoul is a fish!”). Alcohol will do this to people.
The History of Ireland
The history of Ireland dates back a long time to the original inhabitants, the Picts, who were a fun-loving tribe known for their wit. “You sure Pict a winner that time!” is the kind of thing they were always saying, until finally a neighboring tribe called the Celtics got sick and tired of it and came in and, in 432 B.C. on October 8, defeated the Picts in the Battle of Defeating the Picts when John Havlicek sank two free throws in overtime. This led to a long period of time that is virtually incomprehensible if you read about it in the 1966 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica, which is what we are trying to do, and we are getting a real headache because of sentences like this:
A well-known territorial unit was the tricha cet, corresponding, Giraldus Cambrensis says (Topographia Hibernica, III, 5), to the Welsh cantref, 100 households (villae).
Ha ha! We bet that Giraldus Cambrensis was one fun dude to hang around with! But anyway, Irish history continued to occur right up to the present time, which is where, according to our calculations, we stand today.
What to See in Ireland
The main thing to do in Ireland, as Giraldus “Party Animal” Cambrensis states (Topographia Hibernica, IVCXXII, section 3, row d, seat 6), is “sit around and drink.” But no trip to Ireland is complete without a trip to Blarney Castle, where you can kiss the famous Blarney Stone, which, according to ancient legend, bestows upon each person who kisses it a mild but persistent mouth fungus.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Whelk
Households Per Tricha Cet: 100
Shave and a Haircut: Two Bits
Italy
We are definitely talking about a warm and friendly nation here. This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. One time we were at a restaurant near Rome eating a medium-sized Italian lunch consisting of enough pasta to feed Lithuania for six months, and we happened to mention that the wine tasted good. So the restaurant owner insisted that everybody in our party had to go see his wine cellar, which involved climbing down a set of steep rickety stairs into the kind of dark, dank, spider-infested basement that you often see in horror movies, wherein some doomed character goes slowly down the stairs while dramatic music plays in the background and the theater audience is shouting, “DON’T GO DOWN THERE, YOU FOOL!” because they know there’s a lunatic lurking in the darkness with a machete and an industrial staple gun. This basement was like that, only it was occupied by something even more dangerous than a homicidal maniac, namely, numerous barrels of wine, which the restaurant owner insisted that we had to drink many samples from, and quite frankly we wonder how we got out of there. In fact some members of our party may still be down there with the spiders, and we urge you to stop in and see them (the spiders) during normal visiting hours.
Speaking of normal visiting hours, Italy doesn’t have any, as far as we can tell. Nothing is ever open when it’s supposed to be open or closed when it’s supposed to be closed, nor does it cost what it’s supposed to cost. Also, the buses never seem to go where they’re supposed to go. We realize we’re making a sweeping generalization here, but as Giraldus Cambrensis so eloquently put it in Topographia Hibernica, “tough shit.” Nevertheless we urge you to spend some time in this country, although as a precautionary measure you should lose a couple of hundred pounds first.
What to See in Italy
The major city is of course Rome, which got its name from the fact that the Romans used to live there before the Fall of the Roman Empire. Their mother warned them that this would happen. “If you leave your empire there, it’s going to fall!” she said, but unfortunately they did not understand English.
Nevertheless, the Romans built many large broken objects that you should definitely see, such as the Renaissance, the Piles of Seemingly Random Dirty Stones, and the Colosseum, which was the site of Super Bowl I. You must also visit Vatican City, where you may see the famous Sistine Chapel, which the famous Anthony L. “Michael” Angelo had to paint—Believe It or Not!—while lying on his back, because due to a contractor error the Sistine Chapel is only 18 inches high, so comfortable clothes are recommended. The Vatican is also the home of the Pope, who, if you pound very hard on his door, will be happy to come out and entertain the kids by twisting balloons into hilarious animal shapes. Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer; and Florence, home of one of Michael Angelo’s most famous works, the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Southern Italy is the site of the incredible village of Pompeii, which nearly 2,000 years ago was buried under tons of volcanic ash and is therefore invisible. We don’t know why we even brought it up.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Lira (1,000,000,000,000,000 lire = Nothing)
Unit of Time: “A Few Minutes” (A Few Minutes = Two Days)
Hand Gestures: Permitted
Liechtenstein and Luxembourg
To the best of our knowledge these are not European nations. These are minor characters in William Shakespeare’s famous play Hamlet II: The Next Day, featuring the famous “shower scene” wherein the immortal bard displays his rollicking wit at its best:
LIECHTENSTEIN: What dost thine taxon augur vepnelsound? Nor capsuled repwell florgin haren’t ground!
LUXEMBOURG: Ha ha!
Norway
See “Denmark.”
Poland
Poland has experienced a tremendous amount of history due to the fact that it has no natural defensible borders, which makes it very easy to conquer. Many times the other nations didn’t even mean to invade Poland; one night they’d simply forget to set the parking brakes on their tanks, and they’d wake up the next morning to discover that, whoosh, they had conquered Poland.
But thanks to advances in international law such as the speed bump, Poland is now a totally independent nation, and it has managed to greatly improve its lifestyle thanks to the introduction of modern Western conveniences such as food. Today Poland proudly boasts the nickname “The North Dakota of Europe,” and is well worth a visit if you happen to be in the neighborhood for some reason, such as your plane has crashed.
What to See in Poland
They have some really sharp tractors.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Grzbwczwcz
Population: 30 million
Light-Bulb-Changing Capability: 10 million
Portugal
Portugal is a small but, we are sure, proud nation located somewhere in Europe and boasting a history. During the Age of Exploration, Portugal produced many great navigators, men such as Vasco da Gama (literally, “Vasco the Gama”), who set out across the vast, stormy Atlantic Ocean in tiny ships, which of course immediately sank like stones, thus paving the way for the Age of Remaining on Land. Today the main industry in Portugal is manufacturing the famous Portuguese man-of-war, which is a type of jellyfish that can sting you to death if provoked, so tipping is strongly recommended.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Arriba
Language: None
Spain
At one time Spain was one of the world’s great powers, although under the leadership of General Francisco Franco (1578-1983) the nation gradually declined into total insignificance. There is no need, however, for you to rub this in. Be gracious, is our advice. For example, in a restaurant you might exclaim: “This food is certainly delicious! Especially considering that Spain is now a fourth-rate power!”
Your hosts are sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness, and may even insist that you join in one of Spain’s most glorious traditions: Getting Run Over by Bulls. This extremely exciting event, wherein live irate bulls are set loose in public streets, was originally held during the Festival of St. Raoul of the Fishes (October 8), but it has become so popular that in heavily touristed areas the bulls are released several times a day, sometimes in hotel lobbies. Wear comfortable shoes.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Caramba
Closed: Weekdays
Sweden
See “Norway.”
Switzerland
When we think of Switzerland, the picturesque image that springs into our minds is that of men standing on top of Alps wearing comical shorts and making sounds that can only result from a major hormonal imbalance. But Switzerland is also famous for its tidiness. It makes some of the other tidy nations, such as Germany and Austria, look like giant septic tanks. Switzerland has an extremely strict Neatness Code. If you appear in public with your hair mussed up, or armpit stains on your shirt, the famous Swiss Neatness Police will suck you up with a giant vacuum cleaner and put you in a jail cell infested with sanitary laboratory rats. You would probably rot in there, but Switzerland doesn’t even permit bacteria.
What to Do in Switzerland
You should open a Swiss bank account, because (a) you get a toaster and (b) you never have to pay income taxes again. The Internal Revenue Service has no jurisdiction in Switzerland. When you fill out your tax return, you just write, “Ba ha, I have a Swiss bank account and just TRY TO GET IT, YOU SUCKERS!” and all the IRS can do is gnash its teeth. You can trust us when we tell you this. We’re a guidebook.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Cubit
This Chapter Is Finally: Finished
Time for a: Beer
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