Dirty Little Secrets

FOR SCHOOL ADMINISTRATORS

What sorts of things do you think students learn about sex at school? In particular, what do girls learn?

How are sex-related issues currently addressed in your school? What needs to be addressed in a more effective way, and what needs addressing at all?

If abstinence is in your school’s sex education curriculum, is it aimed primarily at girls? What is the message connected to abstinence at your school?

Are cultural messages and cultural expectations exposed inside your school’s sex-education curriculum?

Are school counselors trained in how to deal with sex and relationship issues among the students?

SUGGESTED SEX-EDUCATION EXERCISES

Students should find examples of expectations for girls in their culture. They will likely find them in commercials, ads, magazine articles, and other media.

Next, students write up sentences: According to [the ad, the article], I need to be ______________ to get/have ______________.

Have students work in groups to design their own ad campaign to support girls’ self-esteem. Point to some of the ad campaigns already in existence—one example is Nike, or the Dove Real Beauty Campaign.

Have students design hypothetical organizations that they feel girls could use, such as ones that encourage girls in sports or science.

Students then should start over but go through the exact same process for boys.

Students write questions for a teen sex-advice column. They can be real questions they have or questions they would expect to see in such a column. Put the questions into a hat and have them each choose one. Then, they work in twos to answer each question as though they were Ms. X. Finally, discuss their Ms. X answers as a class, encouraging them to pay attention to the question, What about girls’ desire?

SUGGESTED TRAINING CURRICULUM FOR SCHOOL COUNSELORS DEALING WITH SEX AND RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

Discuss what counselors see from girls versus boys regarding sex and relationships.

Explore examples of what girls versus boys are taught via the prevailing culture (use magazine ads, round-ups of television shows, and so on).

Discuss in small groups adults’ own assumptions about teenage girls’ sexual desires and desires about relationships. Open this up to the larger group to share discoveries.

Share worksheets for dealing with loose-girl feelings and handling loose-girl behavior.

Hand out two or three cases of loose-girl behavior from a student and have counselors role-play how they would respond to the student and address the behavior.

FOR PARENTS AND CARETAKERS

Use simple, straightforward language. Know that your adolescent is intelligent, probably savvy, and well aware when someone is being dishonest or circumspect. Respect your teen as emotionally intelligent. Trust that she knows what she wants. You are only there to help her safely get what she wants.

Don’t assume heterosexuality. Actually, don’t assume anything about your teen when it comes to sex.

Avoid “the talk”—a onetime conversation—and instead continue to be available for open communication about sex with your teen. This means being open to questions, asking her questions when you feel concerned, and talking regularly about the cultural messages in media that your teen sees and absorbs each day.

Learn about warning signs for as many issues as you can. In particular, know how to identify depression, anxiety, sex abuse, and self-harming sexual behavior. If you see enough signs to feel concerned, step in immediately. The sooner you acknowledge issues and get help, the better chance she will have.

Talk about safe sex—both physically and emotionally. Educate your teen about contraception. Take her to a gynecologist. But also talk about the fact that sex can create feelings you don’t expect.

Talk minimally about your own experiences. Always consider before sharing a story whether the story will truly help her. In general, err on the side of silence when it comes to your own sexual experiences. It’s a rare instance that your daughter needs to know anything about your past sex life.

Model self-care. Make yourself as conscious as you can of your sexual and relational behavior. Do your own therapy. Spend some time examining yourself. How much do you need, chase, and respond to male attention? How careful are you with your sex-related choices? What is your relationship with your partner? In other words, what are you teaching your daughter about intimacy? Do you have the sort of relationship you wish for your daughter? How do you treat the females in your world? What are you showing to your daughter about how she should feel about herself as a female—about what makes her worthwhile?

FOR COUNSELORS AND THERAPISTS AND SELF-HELP FOR POTENTIAL LOOSE GIRLS

Do you often use sex to get something—such as long-term love or a sense of worth—from your sex partner?

Do you use other aspects of male attention to gain a sense of worth or desirability?

Have you often avoided all else in your evening out, your work, your life, in pursuit of that attention?

Do you feel that you are needy?

Do you feel that your neediness makes you unlovable?

Do you hold fantasies that romantic interests will “save” you from deep-seated pain?

Have you more than a few times had sex with someone you didn’t want to have sex with simply because he wanted to?

Do you need every romantic encounter you have—sexual or not—to turn into long-term love, as opposed to consciously thinking about and making choices about whether the person is someone with whom you’d actually want such a long-term relationship?

Do you often feel dissatisfied in your romantic relationships?

Have you given up adventures and self-betterment through travel, schooling, and so on, because you didn’t want to be away from a romantic interest or the possibility of male attention?

If you answered yes to at least half (five) of these questions, you likely have loose-girl behavior.

CRITERIA FOR SEX AND LOVE ADDICTION

Addiction experts have identified the following criteria. If you answer yes to all or most of these, you likely have addictive romantic behavior.

• Loss of time with family members, hobbies, and friends

• An experience of being “high” followed by secrecy and shame

• Negative consequences (which may include health problems and financial problems)

• Obsessive preoccupation with the relationship or sex

• Attempts to stop your behavior (or obsession) fail and bring considerable irritability and distress

• Your behavior becomes riskier and more intense

The Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous website has a forty-question self-assessment to determine whether you have the signs of sex and love addiction (www.slaafws.org/download/core-files/The_40_Questions_of_SLAA.pdf).

—From Kelly McDaniel, Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction (Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2008), 31–32.

WORKSHEETS AND EXERCISES

The following provides cognitive-behavioral approaches to build awareness about and to treat loose-girl behavior.

When a boy loves me, that means I am _______________.

When I don’t have a boy wanting me, I believe I am _______________.

When I am needy, I do _______________, and believe I am _______________.

Hold on to the first list set below, and after every encounter with a boy, rewrite a new list set based on what happened. Compare the lists to see what you want versus what you actually get.

When I engage sexually with a boy, I want most

1. for example, to believe I’m desirable

2.

3.

4.

5.

When I engage sexually with a boy, I actually get

1. for example, momentary physical attention

2.

3.

4.

5.

Use the following chart to track events that trigger loose-girl behavior:

With your therapist, review what you might have done differently in each situation.

Use the following chart to track thoughts that trigger loose-girl behavior:

With your therapist, determine how your false beliefs set off loose-girl behavior and how you might better deal with those damaging thoughts.

RESOURCES

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu

Go Ask Alice! is the health-related Q&A Internet resource provided through Columbia University’s Health Services. It aims to provide “reliable, accurate, accessible, culturally competent information and a range of thoughtful perspectives so that they can make responsible decisions concerning their health and well-being.”

www.gURL.com

The site gURL.com is for teenage girls. It includes honest content about sexuality and sexual health, including advice from other teens and stores of information about various sex topics. The site has a membership option so girls can give their own advice and talk to one another on the “Shout Out” boards.

www.midwestteensexshow.com

The Midwest Teen Sex Show is a video show about teen sexuality. These guys are comedians, and they are hilarious, but they also provide accurate, thoughtful, and useful information to teenagers in an entertaining manner, all through episodes you can watch on the site.

www.plannedparenthood.org

Planned Parenthood is well known internationally as a frank, accessible provider of reproductive health care, women’s health information, and sex education. A section of the Planned Parenthood website is devoted to teen sexual health and information.

www.scarleteen.com

Scarleteen: Sex Ed for the Real World is a grassroots site working to provide sexuality education and support. Heather Corinna, the proprietor, regularly provides blogs about useful examinations of recent studies, news events, and more. There is also a message board and referral service, and the site provides teen outreach and staff training through the program CONNECT.

www.sexetc.org

Sex Etc.: Sex Education by Teens for Teens has a mission to “improve teen sexual health across the country.” The website is chock-full of useful information, from a glossary of sex terms to weekly live chats with experts and opportunities for teens to create their own profile and blog.

www.slaafws.org

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is similar to twelve-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous in that it is based in religion and service to God. The site lists meetings and numerous resources, including a “test” to determine whether you likely qualify as a sex and/or love addict. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous does not provide services for minors. Some cities have meetings for adolescents, but they are not common.

www.whatcontraceptiveareyou.com.au/compare-contraception-options

Condoms are the only contraception that provides protection against both pregnancy and STDs. But this Australian website offers an interesting breakdown of the various other contraceptive devices available. The chart includes what each contraceptive is, how long it lasts, how it works, and what to consider. The site also has a survey to discover which type of contraception works best with your lifestyle.

SELECT BOOKS ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS FOR TEENS

Michael J. Basso. The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality, 2nd ed. (Minneapolis: Fairview Press, 2003).

This is a basic but informative, fact-based question-and-answer guide for boys and girls about sexual development.

Ruth Bell. Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships, 3rd ed. (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1998).

From the original Our Bodies, Ourselves, here is comprehensive information for boys and girls about sexuality, including quotes, poems, and writings from teenagers.

Kerry Cohen. Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity (New York: Hyperion, 2008).

The author’s memoir about her struggle with the need for male attention.

Heather Corinna. S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get through High School and College, Illustrated ed. (New York: De Capo Press, 2007).

Corinna, owner of the website www.scarleteen.com, provides every possible aspect of sex education to her readers in a unique, upbeat, provocative style.

Kelly Huegel. GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 2003).

This book covers everything there is to know for queer teens or teens who are questioning their sexual orientation.

SELECT BOOKS ABOUT TEENAGERS AND SEX FOR PARENTS

Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman. Free Your Mind: The Book for Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youth and Their Allies (New York: Harper Perennial, 1996).

This book is about sexual orientation and intended for youths, but it is also useful for adults who need to know.

Dominic Cappello and Pepper Schwartz. Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children about Sex and Character (New York: Hyperion, 2000).

A detailed, layered book to prep parents for talking with their kids about sex. The best part of this book are the stories and correlating discussion questions included to read with your teens.

Debra Haffner. Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens from Middle School to High School and Beyond (New York: Newmarket Press, 2002).

Haffner provides guidelines for sexual development and health, broken down by ages.

Logan Levkoff. Third Base Ain’t What It Used to Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex Today—And How to Teach Them to Become Sexually Healthy Adults (New York: NAL Trade, 2007).

This book covers information about what teens face today when it comes to sex and sexual health.

Ronald Moglia and Jon Knowles. All about Sex: A Family Resource on Sex and Sexuality (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1997).

This book provides the latest information on every imaginable aspect of sexuality, including tantric sex, human reproduction, and sexual pleasure.

Lynn Ponton. The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret World of Adolescent Boys and Girls (New York: Plume, 2001).

Ponton’s book examines a number of teen cases to demonstrate the various ways teenagers experience their sexuality.

Justin Richardson and Mark Schuster. Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know about Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child’s Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2004).

This is a humorous, fun, and thorough guide to dealing with sexuality and your child, starting from toddlerhood.

Deborah M. Roffman. Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense about Sex (New York: De Capo Press, 2001).

This is a more serious research-based but still readable guide to sex and your teens.