Diva 01 _ Diva Runs Out of Thyme, The

TWENTY-FIVE

From Live with Natasha :

In the summer, I love to harvest fresh raspberries and other fruits, like peaches and black currants, from my garden to make liquors. It’s surprisingly easy to do using fruit, sugar, and vodka. The liquor needs to sit for a few months so the flavor can develop, which means it’s ready just in time for those blustery winter nights. Delicious over homemade ice cream or straight in a cordial glass. Add a festive bow to the bottle and it makes a very thoughtful one-of-a-kind gift.

I was in no mood to deal with any more of this nonsense. But at that moment the last thing I wanted was to call the police and face Wolf again. The lantern by my front door lit enough of the bushes to reveal movement in the branches. If I yelled, the lurker would probably take off running.

“What do we do?” I whispered to Humphrey and Nina.

Nina whipped out her cell phone.

I reached for it and snapped it shut. “We have to find out who it is. Nina, you block him on the right, Humphrey . . .” I doubted Humphrey could stop a flea but he was all I had. “You take the left. I’ll act like I’m saying good night to you and walk straight to the door.”

“Are you insane?” Humphrey whispered in a higher pitch than I’d have thought possible.

I didn’t give him a chance to argue. Projecting my voice, I called out “Good night! See you tomorrow,” and headed for my front door. Keeping my eyes on the bushes, I tried to hold my head straight so the man in hiding wouldn’t know we were on to him. When I was almost at the stoop, Mars stepped out of the shadows.

“Are you trying to scare us to death?” My heart raced. “Why are you lurking outside the house?”

“I wasn’t sure who was with you or who might be home. Hi, Nina. We need to talk, Soph—”

Humphrey charged from the left, a pale blur that intersected Mars at his knees.

Mars crumpled to the ground.

“Stop, Humphrey! It’s Mars. It’s okay,” I shouted.

I couldn’t tell which one moaned louder. Nina and I helped them stand. Humphrey rubbed his shoulder but forced a smile. “I always wanted to be a football hero.”

Mars grumbled, “I need a drink.”

“I should go.” Humphrey dusted himself off. “It’s been a most adventurous evening.” He leaned in for a kiss.

I evaded him by pulling away. I jammed the key into the lock and turned it. “Thanks for going with us, Humphrey.”

Mars staggered into the house. This was the third time he’d been by today. Did he really need to talk or was he making up excuses to come over and see me?

“I think everyone’s still out.” I motioned feverishly for Nina to come in. She hurried in after Mars, and I could tell she was pleased to be included. When I closed the door, Humphrey was limping toward the street.

Mars waited for Nina and me in the kitchen. “Sit.”

We draped our coats over a chair before taking seats at the kitchen table. Mars unzipped his new leather jacket, placed a package wrapped in plain brown paper on the table, then slammed down a photograph. The glossy enlargement showed Clyde, Simon’s driver and bodyguard. He stood casually, with one hand on his hip, and wore an embarrassed smile like he found it silly to pose for a photo.

“Too bad he’s so obnoxious; he’s not bad-looking,” said Nina.

Mars glared at her. “I found it in Natasha’s briefcase.”

“You were snooping?” said Nina.

“Yes, I was snooping. Somebody’s stalking her, somebody poisoned me, and she hired Otis for heaven knows what reason.” He paused and said in a hushed voice, “I was afraid Nat might be having an affair.”

“And you think this picture confirms that?” I asked.

Mars paced. “What else can I think? Fairly incriminating evidence, wouldn’t you say?”

“So she has this picture. It’s not like he’s nude or anything.” Nina craned her neck. “Where was this taken? It looks like the Jefferson Memorial.”

I examined it again. The round structure behind him didn’t leave much doubt about the location. “Pretty recent, too. He’s dressed for fall weather.”

Mars punched his fist into an open hand. “What do I do? Do I confront her? Do I leave her?” He paused and held the back of a chair. “Do I pretend nothing ever happened and just go on?”

I flipped the picture over, but the back side was plain white photographic stock. “Could Natasha have taken this picture?”

Nina and I bent over it.

“I don’t see any reflections.” Nina’s mouth twisted doubtfully. “There’s nothing incriminating about it. Mars, this picture alone isn’t evidence of an affair.”

“You two are a gas,” Nina continued. “How many other men would go to their ex-wives when they suspect their girlfriends of cheating?”

Mars sighed. “We’re divorced, Nina, not archenemies.”

“What’s in the package?” asked Nina.

“Don’t protest, Sophie, you need this,” said Mars as he slid the package toward me. “I got one for Nat, too.”

I unwrapped the brown paper to find a Taser.

“They’re not easy to buy, but a client of mine came through for me. It’s like a stun gun. It won’t kill an adult, but it’ll incapacitate one long enough for you to get away.”

Nina chirped up. “I want one, too. I’ll pay for it. Can you get me one?”

I didn’t like guns, but I’d decided long ago that I should carry mace in my car since I regularly came home late at night after events. This was another step in the direction of a gun.

“Sure. I think my source can procure one more. I want you to carry it with you, Sophie. Your folks will be going home soon and you’ll be here all by yourself. I don’t know what we’re up against, but strange things are happening around you and Nat. I knew neither of you would carry a gun. This is the best alternative I could come up with.”

As if on cue, the front door opened and a cold draft floated through the kitchen. Judging from the lively chatter, the theatergoers were returning and had enjoyed their evening.

Mars snatched the picture from the table and hid it in his jacket. “Don’t tell Mom. She already hates Nat.”

I glanced toward the foyer to be sure June wasn’t in earshot. “Natasha’s pushing to put her in a home.”

Mars couldn’t have looked more miserable. “She keeps telling me Mom can’t live alone anymore. That she’ll burn her own house down if I don’t have her put away.”

“I don’t suppose she could move in with you and Nat?” I asked, only half teasing.

He blanched. “I couldn’t take the two of them in the same house. Don’t you think there’ve been enough murders? C’mon, Nina. I’ll walk you out to be sure Humphrey doesn’t jump you.”

Mars paused to peck June on the cheek before leaving with Nina.

While the theatergoers changed clothes, I poured red wine and spices into a pot for a grog to warm them. On a baking sheet, I placed slices of Italian peasant bread and slid them into the oven to broil for a quick black bean bruschetta. Suspecting that June would like chocolate chip cookies, I prepared a tray of them from my freezer stash.

Bernie came home in time to share our midnight snack by the blazing fire in the kitchen. While the others discussed the play, I thought about Bernie and his stepfather and Mrs. Pulchinski, and eyed him surreptitiously. He was listening to the conversation, his expression as animated as if he’d been there. At one point he turned his blue eyes on me, and caught me watching him, but instead of shying away, he flashed me a dazzling smile.

I wanted to believe that someone with such easygoing charm couldn’t possibly kill anyone. That wasn’t true, of course. But by the time we turned in, I’d decided I didn’t need to worry. If Bernie intended to murder one of us, he’d had plenty of opportunities already.

I woke to the thundering of the door knocker. Daisy whined and pawed at me and Mochie stood on the edge of my bed, alert. Whoever was banging the thing must have been trying to wake us for some time. I glanced at the clock—two thirty in the morning. I didn’t bother with a robe and ran down the stairs in my single-girl flannel pajamas. The person outside tried again.

Bernie emerged from the den, yawning, and wearing only sweatpants. I could hear murmuring behind me and glanced back to see that the caller had awakened everyone. My parents, Craig, Hannah, and June watched from the second-floor landing. I unlocked the door and flung it open, afraid the killer had struck again and someone needed help.

Instead, a bleached blonde wearing too much makeup stepped inside and dropped a shiny purple raincoat on the foyer floor. Posing seductively in black stockings, garters, and underwear that left nothing to the imagination, she arranged her long hair so it draped over her shoulders. She looked at Bernie and said, “So which one of you is the colonel?”

“The colonel!” June cried, dismay in her voice.

“I’m afraid you have the wrong house.” I picked up her coat and held it out to her.

“No, I don’t.” She reached for the coat and withdrew a piece of paper from the pocket. “Right here. See?”

What I saw was my address and the colonel’s name.

I opened the door and pointed. “The colonel lives on the other side of the street.”

Pulling on her coat, she giggled and said, “My bad.”

After she left, June walked down the stairs and slammed the door behind the blonde. June hurried to the kitchen to look out the window and we all followed her. The blonde strutted across the street in heels that had to be five inches high. The raincoat couldn’t provide much warmth against the winter air. She must have been freezing.

“He can’t be serious. The colonel is such a proper man.” June clenched her fists.

I signaled my mom. “Since we’re all up, why don’t we go in the sunroom for a nightcap?” Mom took June’s arm and steered her away from the window. I shooed everyone else along behind them.

I could hear June saying, “She was nothing but a tart. A common tramp. The kind you pay for services.” She had that right. I was sorry the tart had awakened everyone. If it had just been Bernie and me, we could have kept the colonel’s little secret.

Bernie followed me into his sleeping quarters and pulled on his bathrobe. I handed him a bottle of sherry and another of Grand Marnier, one of Hannah’s favorite indulgences. Bernie picked out a bottle of Scotch and hauled them into the sunroom while I retrieved cut-crystal sherry glasses and colorful cordial glasses from the dining room.

I carried them on a silver tray and almost stumbled over my own feet in the hallway. Someone had turned off all the lights. I understood why when I reached the sunroom. Mom had lit candles and Dad had plugged in the lights he’d helped Mars and me install years ago. The tiny Christmas lights twinkled on the arched glass ceiling like stars.

The romantic mood didn’t comfort June, though. “I thought the colonel was a respectable man, like my dear husband. I’m overwhelmed with disgust when I contemplate what’s going on at his house this very minute.”

“We’re all surprised.” Mom handed June a glass of sherry. “It’s just as well that you found out now. You could have gone on for years not knowing the truth about him.”

“It’s so repulsive to think of him ordering that girl like a . . . a side of beef.” June tugged her lavender bathrobe closed around her neck and held it there with one hand.

“No woman wants a man like that. He’s definitely not the gentleman we all thought.” Mom settled into a love seat next to Dad. “I don’t blame you one bit for being upset.”

“What did Mars want so late?” asked Hannah.

I shot her a grateful smile for changing the subject. The sooner we distracted June, the better. And then I remembered that Natasha might be having an affair. That would distract June but not in a good way.

“He brought me a Taser.” That wasn’t a complete lie. I didn’t like misleading anyone, but this time I thought it more important to cheer up June. “For the nights when I come home late from work.”

I scored. My simple lie generated a lively discussion between Mom and June on how they could throw Mars and me together more often. Before long Craig and Hannah drifted up to bed, followed shortly by my parents and June. Daisy had stretched out in the sunroom with us, but I hadn’t seen Mochie in a while. I found him in the kitchen, sitting on the bench in the bay window looking out as a hearse drove by.