Divided Allegiance

30

With that walk down to the market in Fin Panir, where she was to meet the shepherd who would hire her, a pattern was set that continued all that hard winter.

“Eh, you took your time,” grumbled Selim Habensson, when she found him talking with several other sheepmen. “Hated to leave the Lord’s Hall, I suppose. Let’s see—” He looked her over as if she were a ewe up for sale. “The Marshal-General says you’re fit, and you’ve handled sheep—is that so?”

“Yes, sir. My father raised sheep.”

“Good enough. Get in there and find me th’ three-tit ewe w’ the scarred hock and a double down-nick offside ear.” As Paks paused to look over the pen of sheep, trying to see a likely earmark, he barked, “Get on, there—get in—I want to see you in with ’em.”

Paks swung over the low railing, among the crowded sheep. She had not feared sheep since she had been able to see over their backs, but the shoving of woolly backs and sides made her feel strange. She saw one offside earmark, but it was a single notch. Most of this pen was nearside marked. There—on the far side—was a double down-nick, offside. She pushed her way slowly through the sheep, careful not to startle or disturb them. A quick look told her this was a normal ewe, not hock-scarred; she looked again for the right earmark, and found it in a corner. A ewe, a three-tit, and scarred on the near hock. She looked up to see the shepherd just outside the rail.

“Very well—you do know somewhat about sheep. But you haven’t worked ’em lately, I’ll warrant.”

“No, sir.”

“I thought not. Those clothes belong in a shop, not on drive.” He spat on the cobbles outside the pen. “I hope to Gird you don’t mind getting dirty.”

“No, sir.”

“All right. When market’s over—another glass, say—we’ll be moving this pen and those two—” he pointed, “—out to a meadow for tonight. Tomorrow we start for the south. Follow us out—make sure none of ’em stray in the city—and you’ll be watching tonight.”

Although bothered by the noise and bustle of the market, Paks had no trouble with the sheep on the way out—to her own and the shepherd’s surprise. The sheep settled well in their temporary grazing ground, and Paks took up her assigned post on the far side while the other shepherds made camp and cooked supper. She had not thought to bring anything for lunch, planning to buy it in the market, so by evening she was hungry. When the first group had eaten, Selim called in the others to eat. Paks was given a bowl of porridge and a hunk of bread. She ate quickly, hardly noticing the others until she finished. Then she looked up to find them watching her.

“You eat like you thought there was more coming,” commented Selim. She had, indeed, assumed there was more. He turned to the others. “Been living in a city for awhile, she has. Fine clothes. Eating well. Listen, now: we’re sheepfarmers, not rich merchants or fancy warriors. We work hard for what we get; you’ll get your fair share, but not a drop more. Understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Paks nodded, and cleaned her bowl. She was remembering that when she first joined the Duke’s Company, the food had seemed rich and plenty—she had forgotten, in the years since, how her family had lived, and how she had longed for bakers’ treats on market days.

“Good. You’ll take first watch. Jenits, you relieve her at change. We’ll start out at dawn.”

In the next few days Paks became acquainted with hunger again. She felt cold and hunger as a force that dragged on her legs, making her labor to keep up with the flock. When a sheep broke free, and ran, she struggled to chase it, fighting a stitch in her side and leaden legs that would not hurry. Selim scolded her about it.

“By Gird’s cudgel, this is the last time I’ll hire on the Marshal-General’s word! I’ve a half-grown lass that could do better!” Paks forebore to say that she herself, as a half-grown girl, had done better. She saw clearly that excuses would only make things worse. She ducked her head and promised to work harder. And she tried. But Selim and the others never came to trust her, always saw her as an outsider who had been forced on them by the Marshal-General. In addition, the wounds she’d received from the iynisin began to swell and redden again. They had never faded much, but now they looked and felt much as they had when she first came out in Kolobia. The shepherds looked at the marks they could see and muttered.

So it was that when the flocks were safe in the winter pastures of southern Fintha, Selim turned her away, and refused to hire her through the winter.

“I’m not saying as I think it, mind. The Marshal-General, I expect she’d know the truth of it, and she said as how you was not to blame for any. But they all think you’re cursed, somehow. Never saw the like of those marks on your face turning dark like that; it’s not natural. We’ve plenty of young ones in the village that need work can look after the sheep well enough. Here’s your pay—” It was not much; Paks did not count it. “And I’ll wish you well.”

It was a bitter morning, gray with a sharp wind. Paks shivered; she was, as always, hungry. “Is there an inn, here, where—”

“No, not here.” His voice was sharp. “We’re not some rich town. On that way—” he pointed to a side lane. “You could make Shaleford by tonight, if you get a foot on it, or back the way we came.” Paks looked from one to the other, irresolute. “You won’t make it shorter by thinking on it,” he said, and turned back into his own house, shutting the door.

Paks put the coins he’d given her into her belt pouch, biting her lip. The way they had come was north, into the wind, and the nearest town more than a day’s travel. She took the lane to Shaleford.

The lane dwindled to a track, and the track to a hardly visible trail that led up over a rise open to the wind. All that day Paks fought the wind, leaning on its shaking shoulder. She had nothing to eat, and nothing in the bare countryside offered shelter or sustenance. When she topped the rise, she looked into a country already softened by coming night; behind her the sun fell behind heavier cloud to a dull ending. She saw nothing that looked like a town, and wondered if the shepherd had lied. But the miserable trail wound on, and she saw sheep droppings nearby. Sheep meant people, she hoped, and kept on. At least it was downhill.

She was stumbling in the gathering darkness when she saw the first light ahead. Thinking of warmth, food, being out of the everlasting wind, she missed her footing again, and fell flat, jarring every bone. She lay sprawled, listening to the wind’s howl, and wondering how far the light was.

Shaleford had an inn, if a three-room hut with a lean-to kitchen could be called an inn. Paks handed over most of her earnings for a pile of straw at one end of the common loft and a bowl of soup. The other customers drank ale, heavily, and eyed her sideways. She paid another of her coppers for a second helping of soup and some bread. She was tempted to spend one of the Marshal-General’s coins for a decent meal, but was afraid to show the others that she had anything worth stealing.

The next day she found that no one in Shaleford had need for an extra hand over the winter. By the time she’d asked for work every place she could think of, it was too late to make the next town by nightfall. She could not stay another night at the inn without using some of her reserve. But Shaleford had a grange—she’d seen it, first thing in the morning. She decided to see if they would let her stay there.

The Marshal, said the stocky yeoman-marshal, was out. He’d been to Highfallow barton for their drill, and wouldn’t be back until the next day. Yes, there’d been a recent message from Fin Panir, but that was the Marshal’s business, and he couldn’t say what it was. If she had something from the Marshal-General herself—Paks pulled out the safe-conduct, and the yeoman-marshal pored over the seal. She realized suddenly that he could not read.

“A message for our Marshal? Is it urgent?”

“It’s to any Marshal—about me.” Paks felt herself redden under his gaze. His glance flicked to her visible scars.

“You’re a yeoman?”

“Yes—well—not precisely—”

“Well, then, what?”

“I was at Fin Panir—”

“The training company?”

“Yes.”

“And they sent you on a mission?”

Paks was torn between honesty and the likelihood that he would not understand what she really was. “I don’t think I can explain it to you,” she said finally. “I need to speak to the Marshal, but since he’s not here—”

“Even if I went, he couldn’t get back before tomorrow.”

“No, I understand that. Can I wait for him here?”

“In the grange?” The yeoman-marshal’s frown deepened. “Well—I suppose. Come along.” He led her through the main room to a tiny sleeping chamber off a narrow back passage. “You can leave your pack there, and come back in for the exchange.”

Paks had forgotten that custom. In Fin Panir itself, the exchange of buffets whenever a visitor came to the grange had been abandoned because of the number of visitors. But in outlying granges, it was still usual, and the test of someone who claimed membership in the Fellowship of Gird. She froze.

“I can’t.” Her voice was thin.

“What!”

“I can’t. I—it’s in this—” She waved the Marshal-General’s letter.

“Hmph.” His snort was clearly one of disbelief and scorn. “I see you’ve been wounded recently—is that it?”

Paks nodded, taking the easy way out, as she thought.

“I’d think if you could travel at all you could exchange a few blows—but—” He shook his head. “You hear all sorts of things from Fin Panir. All right, then. I’ll just go put more meal in the pot.”

Paks sank down on the narrow bed, frightened and discouraged. Was this the sort of welcome the Marshal-General intended? But of course the Marshal was away. She could not take it to heart. She got up with an effort and looked around for the jacks and the washroom. At least she could be clean.

Her spare shirt smelled of sheep and smoke, but was, she thought, somewhat cleaner. The yeoman-marshal gave her a pail of water and soap for the dirty clothes, and she came to supper feeling more respectable than before. She had oiled her boots and belt, and the sheathe of her dagger. The yeoman-marshal was obviously making an effort to be friendly.

“So tell me—what’s new in Fin Panir? Is the quest back from the far west yet? Did they really try to find Luap’s lost stronghold, as we heard?”

“Yes. And found it, too.” Paks told a little of the quest, hoping to stave off questions. Luckily, the yeoman-marshal was tired, and when she had told what she thought would interest him, he was yawning.

The next day, when the Marshal returned, he nodded when he heard her name. “Yes—Paksenarrion. I’ve heard of you; the Marshal-General mentioned that you might come this way in her last letter. Where are you bound next?”

“I—I’m not sure, sir.”

“You could take a letter to Highgate, if you would. And I know there’s traffic there—you might find work on the roads.”

“I’d be glad to.” Paks found herself almost eager to go. This Marshal, at least, had no scorn for her.

“If you stay a day, you’ll be here for drill—oh, I know you can’t bear arms, not at this time, but surely you can tell the yeomen about Kolobia, can’t you? They like to hear a good tale, and finding Luap’s stronghold would interest any of them.”

Paks didn’t want to face a crowd of strange yeomen, but she felt she couldn’t refuse. She nodded slowly. The rest of that day passed easily: she was warm and well-fed for the first time in days, and she dozed most of the afternoon. The Marshal offered a mug of herb tea which he said might ease the ache of her wounds, and it helped. But the next night, facing the assembled yeomen, was difficult. She had told them about the trip west, the fight with the nomads, the brigand attacks in the canyons they crossed, but the closer she came to describing the iynisin attack, the worse it got. The Marshal had said she ought not to mention her own capture—not that she wanted to—but she could hardly talk of any of it. Finally she raced through it, skimping most of the action, and went on to Luap’s stronghold. When she finished, they stamped their feet appreciatively. Then one of them, a big man she’d seen in the inn, spoke up.

“If you’re one of that kind, what are you doing here?”

“Any Girdsman is welcome in our grange,” said the Marshal sharply.

“Aye, I know that. But I saw her come in two days ago, cold as dead fish and smelling of sheep. Hadn’t eaten in days, the way she started on her food over there—” He jerked his head toward the inn. “You know’s well as I do, Marshal, that knights and paladins and such don’t travel like that. The way she talks, she wasn’t walking the wagons out to Kolobia—she talks like she fought alongside that Amberion and that elf. So I just wonder why she’s—” His voice trailed away, but his look was eloquent. Paks saw others glance at him and nod.

“Yeomen of Gird,” said the Marshal with emphasis. “It is not my tale to tell. I can tell you that the Marshal-General has commended her to every grange—every grange, do you hear?—and to all the Fellowship of Gird. I daresay she travels where she does, and as she does, by the will of the High Lord and Gird his servant. I will not ask more—and you would be wise to heed me.”

“Well,” said the big man, undeflated, “if you ask me, she looks more like a runaway apprentice than a warrior of Gird. No offense meant—” he said with a glance at Paks. “If so be I’m wrong, then—well—you know how to take satisfaction.” With that he flexed his massive arms, and grinned.

“You’re wrong indeed, Arbad,” said the Marshal. “And I’ll take the satisfaction for your discourtesy to a guest of the grange, on next drill night, or hear your apology now.”

Evidently the Marshal’s right arm was well respected, for Arbad rose and muttered an apology to Paks. The meeting broke up shortly after that. A few had come to speak to Paks, but most huddled together in the corners, looking at her and speaking quietly to each other. The Marshal stayed near her, stern and quiet.

At Highgate Paks delivered the Marshal’s letter to the Highgate Marshal, and shared a hot meal at the grange. He introduced her to a trader, in town on his way south and east, and Paks hired on as common labor. The rest of that day she unloaded and loaded wagons, and harnessed the stolid draft-oxen. With the other laborers, she slept under one of the wagons, and the next day they started on the road.

Keris Sabensson, the trader, rode a round-bellied horse at the head of the wagons; he had a drover for each wagon, five guards, and two common laborers. Paks was expected to do most of the camp-work, load and unload the wagons at each stop, and help care for the animals. She found the work within her strength, but was terrified of the guards, who tried to joke with her.

“Come on, Paks,” said one of them one night when she jumped back from a playful thrust of his sword. “With those scars you’ve got, you’ve been closer than this to a sword. You know I’m not serious. Here—let’s see what you can do.” He tossed the sword to her. Paks threw out her hand, and knocked it away; it fell to the ground. “Hey! Stupid, don’t do that! You’ll nick it!” He glared at her.

“You can’t tell me you haven’t fought—what happened, lose your nerve?” Another one had her by the arm.

“Let her alone, Cam—suppose you ended up—”

“Like her? Never. I’ll be a captain someday, with my own troop. Who’d you fight with, Paks—tell us.”

“Phelan,” she muttered. She could not break free, and was afraid to try.

“What? I don’t believe it.” Cam dropped her arm. “You were in the Red Duke’s Company? When?”

“A—a couple of years ago.” They were all watching now, eyes bright in the firelight. She swallowed, looking for a way out of their circle.

“What happened? Get thrown out?” Cam’s grin faded as he watched her.

“No, I—” She looked into the fire.

“Tir’s gut, Paks, you make a short tale long by breathing on it. What happened?”

“I left.” She said that much, and her throat closed.

“You left.” The senior, a lean dark man who claimed to have fought with the Tsaian royal guard, confronted her. He looked her up and down. “Hmm. You don’t get scars like that from not fighting, and you’re too old to have been thrown out as a recruit, and not old enough to be a veteran. But you’re scared, aren’t you?”

Paks nodded, unable to speak.

“Is that why you left Phelan?” She shook her head. “When did you—no, those scars are too new. Something happened—by the look of it, within the past few weeks.” She closed her eyes to avoid his gaze, but felt it through her skin. No one spoke; she could hear the flames sputtering against a sleety wind, and the hiss of sleet on the wagons.

“All right,” he said finally. She opened her eyes; he had turned, and faced the others. “I think she’s told the truth; no one lies about serving with Phelan and lives long to tell it. She’s got the marks of a warrior; something’s broken her. I wouldn’t want to carry that collection myself. Let her alone.”

“But Jori—”

“Let her alone, Cam. She has enough to live with. Don’t add to it.” With that he led them away to one side of the fire. Paks went on with her work, but spent most of that night awake. She began to realize that she could not pass as a laborer; her scars would always betray her past. People she met would expect things—things she no longer had—and each meeting would be like this.

Two days later, a band of brigands struck the wagons. They were deep in a belt of forest, where the guards could not see far, and they had dragged Keris Sabensson from his horse and cut the traces of the first team before the guards got into action. The drovers reacted quickly, defending their teams and wagons with the long staves they carried; the other laborer ran forward and caught Sabensson’s horse. Paks froze where she was, terrified. She could not move, could not help or run. And when the fight was over, and the trader, head bandaged, was settled in the first wagon, he fired her.

“I’m not having any damned fools here,” he said angrily. “Stupid, cowardly—by all the gods I’d rather have a drunken swineherd to depend on. Get out! Take your pay—not that you’ve earned it!” He threw a few coins out of the wagon; one hit Paks in the face. “Go on—move!” He poked the drover, who prodded the oxen into motion. Paks stepped back, ignoring the coins at her feet. On the second wagon Cam smirked at her, but she hardly noticed. She stared blankly ahead as one wagon after another passed her, and the oxen blew clouds of steam.

At the last, Jori, now riding the trader’s horse, stopped. “Paks, here.” He handed her a small leather bag. “It isn’t much—what we—I mean—” He touched her head. “I know what kind of soldiers Phelan has. You be careful, hear?”

She stood a long time in the track, holding the bag, until she finally thought to tuck it into her belt and start walking.

At the next town, they had heard of her from the trader, still angry. She trudged past the grange without looking at it, and went on, going the way that the trader had not gone. She had not dared enter an inn, but had bought bread from a baker. At the town beyond that, after a night spent in a ruined barn, she found work in a large inn.

“Not inside,” said the innkeeper after a look at her face. “No. You won’t do inside. But if you’re not afraid of work, I can use someone in the yard. Haul dung, feed, clean stalls—you can do that?” Paks nodded. “Sleep in the shed—in the barn if it’s not full. You get board and a copper crown a week.” Paks thought dully that she must be back in Tsaia—Finthan coins were crescents and bits, not crowns. “Can you work with big horses?” She shook her head, remembering the disaster in Fin Panir when she had been unable to groom Socks, let alone ride him. Somehow her fear transmitted itself to horses, and made them skittish. “Too bad; it’s a chance for tips. Well, then, stay out of the way. The grooms’ll be glad to have the dirty work taken off them.”

So they were. Paks hauled dung from the barns twice a day, pitched straw, bedded stalls, carried feed. Work began before daylight, and continued as late as the last person came to the inn. The shed she slept in was by the kitchen door, and half-full of firewood; it backed on the great fireplace, and she thought she could feel a little warmth in the stones, but that was all. She had no place to wash, and no reason to—the innkeeper was clearly surprised when she asked. She did not mention it again. As for board, the innkeeper was more generous than many: bread, soup and porridge, and a chance at the scraps. Not that much was left after the kitchen help, indoor help, and the rest of the stable help took their share. She hid her own pack behind the firewood, and half-forgot it was there or what was in it.

She noticed that her scars from Kolobia had begun to fade again, as mysteriously as they darkened. This time, however, the pain did not fade with the color. It continued as a bitter bone-deep ache that sapped her strength. She did not think about it; she didn’t think of anything much, but whether she could lift another shovel-full. Winter’s grip strengthened; even within the courtyard there were days when the wind blew snow into a white mass that made it hard to breathe. She wore all her clothes, and still woke stiff in the mornings. Trade slowed, in the bitter cold, and the innkeeper told her she could sleep in the barn, now half-empty. It was warmer there, burrowing in straw, with animals heating the air.

She hoped to stay there all winter, but one night two drunken thieves drove her away. It began when they arrived, and handed their mule’s lead-rope to one of the grooms. The tall one caught sight of Paks and nudged the other. She saw this, and ducked behind a partition, but heard their comments. Late that night, they came out to the barn, “to look at our mule,” as they said. The grooms were gone; one to the kitchen, where he had a lover, and one to a tavern down the street. Paks had gone to sleep in a far stall, carefully away from the mule. They found her.

“Well, well—here’s a pretty lass. Hello, yellow-hair—like a little present?” She woke to find them standing over her. The tall one whirled something shiny on a ribbon; the other one carried a branched candlestick with two candles. She looked around wildly. She was trapped in a corner stall; they stood in the door, chuckling. She scrambled up, backing away from them.

“By Simyits, I think she’s scared. Surely you aren’t a virgin, sweetling—why so frightened?” The shorter man came nearer. “Kevis, are you sure of her? It’s easy to tell she works in the stables.”

“Oh, I think so. It’s the ugly ones and poor ones that appreciate presents. See this, sweetheart? It’s a nice shiny ring. All for you, if you just—”

Paks jumped for the gap that had opened between them, trying to scream. As in a dream, little sound came out; the tall man grunted as she bumped into him, and grabbed her. His hand clamped over her mouth. “Now that’s not nice, pretty lass—behave yourself.” She struggled wildly, but the other man had set the candlestick on the stall partition grabbed her as well. “Quiet down, girl; you’re not going anywh—Damn you, you stinking—” Paks had managed to get a finger between her teeth, but his other hand gripped her throat. She choked; the shorter man twisted her arms behind her.

“What, Cal?”

“She bit me, the stupid slut.” Paks heard this through the roaring of her ears as he kept the pressure on her throat. “If we didn’t need her, I’d—”

“Let up, Cal. I’ve got her.” The tall man gave a final squeeze, and loosed her throat. Paks gasped for air; it seemed to scrape her throat as it went in. She could not stand upright with the pressure on her arms. The shorter man increased it, and forced her to her knees. The tall man bent near her; she could smell the ale on his breath.

“Listen to me, sweetheart—you’re going to help us, and you’re going to give us a good time. If you do it right, you’ll get a little reward out of it—maybe this ring. If you act stupid, like you just did, you’ll die hurting. Now—do you understand?”

Paks could not speak for terror and pain. She was shaking all over, and tears sprang from her eyes.

“I asked you a question.” A knife had appeared in the tall man’s hand; it pricked her throat. Paks heard herself moan, a terrible sound that she did not know she could make.

“Simyits save us all,” muttered the shorter man, behind her. “It’s no wonder they have this one in the stable. No wits at all.”

“No wits, the better lay.”

“Kevis—”

“Well, Cal, you know the saying. It tames wild mares and witches. Why not a stable hand?”

“What about time?”

“So how long does it take?”

“You may be right.” Paks heard the grin in the voice behind her, and saw the man in front fumble with his trousers.

“I’ll go first.”

“Greedy—you always go first.” The man behind her let go her arms, and Paks fell face-down in the straw. She rolled away, trying again to escape, but they caught her. The tall man backhanded her across the face, knocking her into the back of the stall.

“That’s for the bite, slut. Now don’t cause trouble.” He grabbed her shirt, and ripped it open. “What a beauty!” His voice was cold. “Where’d you get those scars—somebody whip you once?”

“More than once,” said the other one. “By the dark goddess, I never saw anything like that outside of Liart’s temples in Aarenis. Kevis—”

“Don’t bother me, Cal.” The tall man tugged at her belt. “I’m busy.”

“Kevis, wait. If this is Liart’s bait—”

“Cal, I don’t care if it’s the crown princess of Tsaia—”

“But Kevis—” The shorter man pulled at his companion’s arm. “Listen to me. I know what I mean—Liart won’t like it if that’s one of his.”

“Liart can go—” He had broken the belt, and forced his hands between her thighs. Paks tried to struggle, but he had her wedged against the wall where she could not move.

“Don’t say that!” The shorter man used enough force to pull the other’s arm away. “Kevis, it’s serious. Liart is a jealous god; he’ll kill—and I know how he kills—”

“Don’t bother me!” The taller man turned away from Paks and pulled his knife. “Hells blast you, Cal, you’re as craven as she is. Get back—”

“No! I’m not having any part of this if she’s Liart’s—”

“Then go away. Don’t—I don’t care—but don’t—” He swayed a little on his feet, and the shorter man took his chance to pull him away from Paks. She watched through a fog of fear as they began to fight. They stumbled into her and away; she took stray blows and kicks, feeling each of them as a shattering force that left her still less will to move, to escape. Finally they staggered into the partition, and knocked over the candlestick. Light flared up from the neighboring stall; the men stopped short, staring.

“Hells below! See what you’ve done?” The shorter man, breathing heavily, glowered at the other.

“Me! It was you, pighead! Come on—run for it!”

“What about her?”

“Leave the stupid slut.” Paks heard their feet on the passage floor, heard the crackling flames in the next stall. She could not move, she felt; her body was a mass of pain. She heard more yelling, and more, in the distance, but was hardly aware when someone grabbed her legs and dragged her out of the burning barn. By the time she had realized what had happened, she was already being blamed for it.

“I let you sleep there, out of the kindness of my heart, and what do you do? You not only whore around in the stalls, but you take candles—candles, open flames, Gird blast you!—into the stable and start a fire! If it hadn’t been for Arvid coming back in, we’d have lost five horses. We did lose all that hay. He should have left you there.”

“It wasn’t—I didn’t—” Paks could hardly speak, with her bruised throat, but she tried to defend herself. “They—they tried to rape me.”

The innkeeper snorted. “I don’t believe that! No one would pick you—gods above, I have comely girls in the house they’d likelier try. You’ve been using my barn—my barn!—for your tricks. Now get out! Where do you think you’re going?”

“My pack—” said Paks faintly.

“I ought to take it for the damage you’ve done. All right, take the damn thing—it’s probably full of lice anyway, dirty as you are.” He hit her hard as she tried to leave, and drove her out of the gates with another blow and a kick. She fell heavily into the street, but managed to clamber up as he came toward her, and limped away.

It was dark and bitter cold. She followed the street by touching the walls along it, stumbling into them, choking down sobs. She felt as if a great vise were squeezing her body, twisting it to shapes of pain she had never imagined. When she thought of the past—of last winter—it seemed to recede, racing away into a distance she could never span. A last little bright image of herself at Fin Panir, happy and secure, gleamed for a moment in her mind and disappeared. She stopped, confused. She had no wall to touch, and all around was a howling dark, cold and windy. It was one with the void inside.