Divine Misfortune

8

Teri’s day turned around after she talked to Lucky. It wasn’t as if everything corrected itself, but her bad luck faded. And some of that bad luck turned good. The technician sent to check on her computer said it was shot, and that it would have to be replaced. The outdated computer had always been temperamental. She’d been low on the replacement list, but now management had no choice but to move her to the top.

One of her bosses (she had several) noticed her disheveled appearance as the two of them shared an elevator ride. When Teri explained all the misfortune that had befallen her of late, they shared a chuckle. It wasn’t much, but it was an opening, a chance to make an impression.

She kept finding loose change underfoot, under desks, in drawers. Pennies and nickels, quarters and dimes, and several silver dollars. By the end of the day, she had twenty bucks’ worth of change jingling in her pockets.

A golden woman approached Teri’s desk around quitting time.

“Ms. Teri Robinson?”

A closer look revealed that the woman wasn’t just gold in color. She was actually made of the precious metal. Her skin, her hair, her eyes, and even her clothes all gleamed.

“Yes, that’s me,” said Teri.

“Hello, I’m Veronika, your Hephaestus Motors personal liaison. Veronika with a k.”

A handshake confirmed it. Veronika’s hand was smooth and cold as polished metal.

“Your car is ready, Ms. Robinson. Shall we take a look?”

“Already?”

Veronika’s beautiful face remained aloof, almost unreadable, but she raised a delicately sculpted eyebrow. “Yes.”

“What about the broken axle? The shop said it would take at least a week to fix.”

“Perhaps for mortal mechanics,” said Veronika. “Shall we go and inspect your car to see if it meets with your approval?”

Teri followed Veronika. Teri’s bare arm brushed against a golden sleeve. The metal “cloth” was cold but supple. Teri wanted to touch Veronika’s hair, but it seemed a little presumptuous.

The coupe was parked out front. It was Teri’s car, but polished and waxed. It didn’t look brand-new, but it was pretty close.

Veronika said, “Along with the axle, we took the liberty of some basic maintenance. Tune-up, oil change, spark plugs, and while we were at it, we added some improvements. The usual low-level package. I’m sure you’ll be very pleased with the results. We don’t usually work on automobiles with this much… character.” Veronika frowned. “Someone must have called in a big favor.”

“Lucky?”

“Indeed, you are fortunate. Mortals used to sacrifice droves of livestock for an improvement package like this.”

“No, I meant Lucky. My god Lucky.”

Veronika glanced at her work order. “Doesn’t say.” She paced the coupe, allowing Teri to inspect it. “We did what we could to increase fuel efficiency to a thousand MPG.”

“A thousand?”

“Yes, dreadful, I know, but the best we could manage with what we had to work with. We also coated the chassis with a high-quality adamantite-based glaze to protect against future dings, dents, and stains. The tires are an organic form of rubber very recently developed. Nearly puncture-proof and self- repairing, as long as you remember to water them regularly and allow them to get a few hours of sunlight a week.”

“I park in the garage,” said Teri.

“Might I suggest purchasing a sunlamp then.”

The car’s door swung open on its own and Veronika stepped aside to allow Teri to get in. The seat was warm and soft.

“Genuine faux gryphon hide,” said Veronika. “Finally, we threw in a navigation charm at no extra charge.” She pointed to the clear vial of green liquid hanging from the rearview mirror. A large yellow eyeball floated within it, and when Teri looked at the eye, it looked back.

Veronika thrust a clipboard before Teri. “If you’ll just sign here, Ms. Robinson, the car is all yours.”

“And that’s it?” asked Teri one more time, just to be sure. “All this is absolutely free?”

Veronika flashed a patronizing smile. “Yes, Ms. Robinson.”

Teri signed. Veronika sprouted a pair of solid platinum wings. They didn’t flap, but the golden woman rose into the air.

The door closed and locked, and the car started spontaneously.

The big eye bobbed, staring at her.

Veronika descended to earth. She tapped on the glass with a slender finger, and the window rolled down.

“I almost forgot. If you have any concerns or complaints, feel free to give me a call, day or night.” Veronika handed Teri a card. It, too, was gold in color, though made of paper. “We’ve also included a complimentary year of roadside assistance, so you’ll want this.” She gave Teri a small velvet bag that smelled of mint. “Just burn a leaf or two should the need arise.”

“Thanks.” Teri tried the door, but it didn’t open. “Not that I’m complaining, but how do I get out?”

Veronika reached into the car and flicked its eye. “Behave yourself now.”

The doors unlocked.

“I’m afraid the navigation charm can be a touch overeager. Just be firm with it.”

Veronika disappeared into the clouds.

Teri put her hands on the steering wheel. The car responded by moving her seat back so that she could barely reach the pedals. She tried adjusting it, but it didn’t budge.

The eye stared at her.

“Come on, now. I’ve had a long day, and I just want to go home.” She tapped the vial, not too hard. “Please?”

The car pulled into the street. She wrestled with the wheel and strained to hit the brakes. The car ignored her. It traveled a few blocks before having to stop at a red light.

“Stop!” she shouted.

The car killed its engine. The eye sank to the bottom of its vial, reminding Teri of a dejected puppy. Or at least a giant dejected puppy eye.

“I’d really like to drive myself. If that’s okay with you.”

The eye bobbed in resemblance of a nod as the seat slid forward to a comfortable position and the engine started just as the light turned green. She tested the gas and brake pedals. They were responsive.

She thanked the eye and started driving.

The radio came on and flicked to a country-and-western station.

“I’m not into country music.”

The charm picked another station playing the biggest hits of the seventies. Teri wasn’t crazy about that either, but the charm was trying so hard, she decided to let it go. Though by the time she made it home, she had absorbed enough disco to last a lifetime.

She parked in the driveway, deciding to wait until sunset to pull into the garage. Phil’s car was in good shape, too, with the same polished sheen and navigation charm hanging from the mirror.

Phil was in the kitchen. She slipped up behind him and gave him a hug.

“Hey, baby,” he said. “How was your day?”

“Better now.” She glanced down at the counter, where he was busy pinning cucumbers and bologna to crackers with toothpicks. “What’s that?”

“Hors d’oeuvres. Lucky wants to have a few guests over.”

“A party? Already?”

“It’s not a party,” said Phil. “Just some friends.”

Teri glanced around. “Where is Lucky?”

“He’s out picking up some decorations.”

“Decorations? For the not-party? The not-party with hors oeuvres?”

Phil hesitated. “Yes.”

“I thought he wanted to spend his first night here getting to know us better.”

“Change of plans, I guess.” He kept his back to her, working on the hors d’oeuvres. “This isn’t going to be a big deal, is it?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.

“Teri, he’s a god. They change their minds a lot, and our job is to keep him happy. So if he wants a not-party with hors d’oeuvres and decorations then we should probably give it to him.”

“You know what? You’re right.” She opened the fridge, found it stocked with a case of beer. She grabbed a longneck and twisted the top.

“Those beers are for the not-party,” said Phil.

“We paid for it, right?”

He nodded.

“Then I get the first one.” She took a swig. Then she stuck out her tongue. She wasn’t a beer drinker.

He offered her a cucumber sandwich. She nibbled on it. “How old is this bologna?”

“It’s still good.” He double-checked the package. “Doesn’t expire for another two days.”

She jammed the sandwich in her cheek and washed it down with more beer. “By the way, Janet is coming over tonight.”

He gave her a look.

“She invited herself,” Teri said. “She’s a deiphile. Couldn’t wait to meet our new god.”

“One more doesn’t hurt,” said Phil.

“I’ll go change and then help with the not-party preparations.”

“Thanks. You’re a peach, you know that.”

“Oh yeah. I know.”

She gave him a hug and a peck.

“Hey, now,” said Lucky. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I, kids?”

Teri and Phil parted.

“How long you two crazy mortals been married?”

“Two years,” she replied.

“We dated two years before that,” Phil added.

“And you still have the passion. That’s beautiful. It really is. Can one of you lovebirds do me a favor? I left a couple of bags on the porch.”

Teri volunteered. Along with the bags of decorations, a tall gray figure in frayed, dusty robes stood on her porch. The shadow of his hood hid his face. He held a small potted plant in his hands. The plant was dead.

“Hello,” he said. “Is this the right address? I’m here for the housewarming.”

She nodded.

“This is for you then.” The gaunt man held out the dead plant. She took it. A chill passed through her as she brushed his withered hands.

“Charon, old buddy!” shouted Lucky. “You’re early. Didn’t think you’d make it. Surprised Hades was willing to take that stick out of his ass and give you the night off.”

A wide-shouldered god in a black-and-red suit stepped into view behind Charon.

“He’s my ride,” said Charon.

“Hades, my man.” Lucky chuckled. “You know I just kid because I love.”

The lord of the underworld cracked a smile. “Forget it. I’m just here for the beer.”

“Fridge is thataway.” Lucky jerked his thumb over his shoulder, and Hades headed toward the kitchen.

“By the way, I’m in front of a hydrant,” remarked Hades. “Could you direct my driver to the designated parking?”

“Geez, that guy is a cheapskate,” whispered Lucky. “Owns half the real estate in the underworld, and you still can’t keep him away from free booze.”

He and Charon chuckled. Dust and ash rose off Charon’s robes. Teri inhaled it and fell into a short coughing fit.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I came straight from work. Didn’t have time to change.”

“You can borrow something from Phil’s closet. I’m sure he won’t mind, right, Teri?”

She nodded while struggling to clear her sticky throat.

“Charon and I will grab a shirt while you take care of Hades’s ride and start on the decorations.”

She tried to protest but Lucky and Charon had already vanished into the bedroom.

Hades’s ride was a black chariot adorned with silver skulls and twisted thorns. The wheels were aflame, and it was drawn by a pair of muscular beasts, vaguely horselike except for the snorting of fire and the slavering jaws.

The driver was a specter in a chauffeur uniform. He opened his skull and howled at Teri.

“Uh, yeah,” she said. “Just park it over there, I guess.”

The driver cracked the reins, and a clap of thunder shook the sky. The beasts roared, stamped their hooves hard enough to crack the asphalt, and pulled the chariot away. Its flaming wheels left a trail of bubbling tar.

The neighbor across the street threw Teri a dirty look. She didn’t know his first name. Or his wife’s. Or those of their two or three kids. She’d never actually talked to any of them, only nodded politely.

Within an hour, the house was overrun with gods, demigods, and legendary creatures. The gods and their entourages turned out to be first-class mooches. After they drank all the beers, they devoured everything consumable in the refrigerator. They even ate the steaks in the freezer. Didn’t even bother to cook them. It still wasn’t enough. A harpy and her lizard-creature boyfriend eyed Teri and Phil hungrily.

A blue djinn in an equally blue leisure suit defused the problem. Teri wished for more food, and he snapped his fingers, creating a magical tablecloth that produced as many beers, fruits, and cheese crackers as the gods could consume. The harpy and her boyfriend pounced on the table. Teri thought about reaching for a cracker, but figured it was a good way to lose an arm.

“Normally, I don’t do this without throwing in a little curse, too,” said the djinn, “but what the hell? You guys throw a helluva party.” He slipped off to flirt with a woman with horns growing out of her forehead.

Teri scanned the party. So far, it was a casual affair. The gods and demigods were all behaving themselves. She’d been worried about the guy with the smoking head, but once they removed the batteries from the smoke detectors, he wasn’t any trouble. The snail god wasn’t nearly as slimy as she’d first expected, and he’d given her a voucher for a free carpet shampooing. Phil was having a good time. He’d arranged an impromptu video game tournament, and was currently beating down Hades in a round of Death Ninja 3. The lord of the underworld snarled as Phil’s digital samurai executed his finishing move.

Janet called out to Teri from across the crowded room. Teri motioned for Janet to follow her into the backyard so they could talk.

“Wow,” said Janet. “I didn’t know you were throwing a party! Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“It was spur-of-the-moment.”

“I am so glad I brought my camera. How do I look?”

Teri had known Janet was attractive, but she’d never realized just how attractive. With her hair down and in a form-fitting red dress, she was beautiful. It wasn’t made-up beauty either, that sort of prettiness that comes from having the right clothes and the right hair and makeup. It was just a natural appeal. The low neckline emphasizing her breasts didn’t hurt either.

“You look fabulous,” said Teri, feeling a little self-conscious about her own appearance.

Lucky and a large serpent with sparkling rainbow scales and feathered wings stepped into the backyard. The serpent held a beer in the clawed fingertips at the end of his wings.

“There you are, Teri,” said Lucky. “Been looking all over for you. I’d like to introduce you to my good buddy Quetzalcoatl.”

“Call me Quick.” The serpent tipped his party hat, letting the elastic snap back into place. “Everyone does.”

Janet elbowed Teri and cleared her throat.

Lucky smiled. “And who might this lovely mortal be?”

Before Teri could introduce her, Janet pushed her way forward, knelt down, and introduced herself. Lucky took her hand in his paw and mimed a kiss.

“Any friend of Teri’s is a friend of mine. Care for a beer?”

“I’d love one.”

“If you’ll excuse us, gang. Watch out for this guy, Teri.” Lucky poked Quick. “If you’re not careful, he might get you drunk and strap you to his altar.”

Lucky and Janet went back inside.

“So…” Quick ran his long tongue around a fang.”… Cool party.”

“Thanks.”

Awkward silence passed between them.

“How long have you known Lucky?” she asked to make conversation.

“A while now,” replied Quick. “He helped me out when I was going through a rough time.” He flapped his wings. “I mean, I only turned my back for a second. Who’d have thought a few conquistadors could cause so much trouble?”

“Yeah, that was a helluva thing,” she agreed.

“Y’know, he was only joking about the altar thing,” said Quick. “I was never into human sacrifice, even when it was legal.”

“Oh, I know. Conquistador propaganda.”

“Damn straight.”

They tapped their beers together and shared a swig.

A dryad stuck her head out the door. “Excuse me, but where are your facilities?”

Teri excused herself to give directions. She showed the dryad the line to the bathroom. An ogre lumbered up to Teri. He spoke with a dry, cracked voice. “Are you Teri Robinson?”

She nodded.

“There’s a fury looking for you.” The swung his arm toward the front door. “And she looks pissed.”

The fury invoked by the homeowners association was a cruel, pale woman in a crimson pantsuit. She’d been called down to enforce the code, and she did so with all the dedication with which her other sisters might chase down murderers and tax evaders. She could detect the smallest violation ranging from improper lawn ornamentation, loose shingles, and bird-houses with an improper motif. Teri considered passing her off to Phil, but he was still in the middle of his tournament and having a good time. So she decided to handle it.

The fury glared with deep red eyes. “Mrs. Robinson, you are aware you are in violation of several important regulations.”

“Can I offer you a beer?” asked Teri.

“No.” The fury’s frown deepened. “Thank you, but I’m on duty.” She clicked a pen and began filling out a citation. “You are aware that all parties require two weeks’ notice?”

“It’s not really a party.”

“Any gathering that involves more than five cars or eight nonresident guests is defined as a party according to the code. You’d know that if you read the regulation book.”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that, but I’ve been really busy lately and-”

“Ignorance of the code is no excuse.” The black veins on the fury’s skull-like face throbbed. She ripped the citation from the pad and thrust it accusingly at Teri. “I’ve issued a warning this time, as per homeowners association guidelines.” The fury smiled, revealing sharp teeth perfect for ripping out the throats of murderers, traitors, and those damned souls who dared to stick plastic pink flamingoes on their lawn. “Don’t let it happen again.”

Lucky appeared beside Teri. He hopped up and intercepted the citation.

“Edna, is that you? You’re looking scarier than ever.”

“Lucky, you ol’ son of a bitch.”

“Hey now, what’s this?” He scanned the citation. “You’re not raining down wrath on my girl Teri here, are you?”

“Just doing my job,” said Edna, sounding a bit guilty. “She’s not one of yours, is she?”

“Yep. But more importantly, she’s a good kid.”

“Rules are rules.”

“We’re celebrating, and it got a little out of hand. My fault, not hers. Can’t we look the other way just this once?”

“Well…” The fury’s fury faded. The citation disappeared in a flash of white flame. “I could never say no to you, Lucky.”

“Come on in. Have a beer.”

“One can’t hurt, I suppose.” She pulled out the stiletto knives keeping her hair in a bun. The black curls cascaded down past her shoulders as she joined the party.

“Thanks,” said Teri.

“Don’t mention it, kid.” He winked. “All part of the service, right? Do yourself a favor, Teri. Relax a little. Have a good time. Mortal life is too short to be worried all the time.”

Janet showed up, handed Lucky a fresh beer. “Didn’t you promise to introduce me to that fox-eared demigoddess?”

He led her away.

Teri found Phil in the kitchen.

“So how did the tournament go?” she asked.

“You are now looking at Red Ronan, reigning Death Ninja 3 champion of Heaven and Earth.”

She put her arms around him and gave him a kiss. “I think we made the right decision.”

“Are you sure? No more doubts?”

She shrugged. “Maybe a little bit of doubt. But not very much.”

“All I can ask for at this stage, I suppose,” said Phil.

She kissed him again.

Charon poked his head into the kitchen. “Hades is burning for a rematch, Ronan. Dare you accept?”

“You’re on.”