Divine Misfortune

25

The first thing Janet did was give Teri a hug.

“I’m so sorry, hon.”

“Why are we still here?” Syph asked Bonnie. “I thought we were just going to drop her off.”

“We’ll find a way to fix this,” said Janet.

“He’s probably already dead,” remarked Syph. “Or worse.”

The mortals glared.

“What? I’m just saying what everyone is already thinking.”

“Being the goddess of heartbreak doesn’t give you the right to be an insensitive bitch,” said Bonnie.

“What about my sympathy? My revenge was ruined today. And I was really looking forward to it.”

The mortals went inside and shut the door on her.

Syph huffed, transformed into a rain cloud, and slipped under the door to follow. In cloud form, she hovered before Quetzalcoatl.

“Hello, Syph,” he said icily.

“Hello, Quick,” she replied. “Still bumming off Lucky’s followers, I see.”

“Still obsessing over Lucky’s girlfriends, I see.”

She darkened and rumbled.

“Would you mind changing into something less rainy?” he asked. “You’re ruining the carpet.”

Syph transformed into her human form. She joined everyone in the living room.

“I should never have agreed to it,” said Teri. “If I hadn’t agreed…”

“Shush, hon,” said Janet. “There’ll be plenty of time for blame later. After we get Phil back.”

Syph laughed.

“Who is she?” asked Teri.

“She’s just another stupid goddess,” said Bonnie.

“Wrong,” said Quick.

Everyone looked to him, surprised to see him defending her.

“She’s not just another stupid goddess,” he explained. “She’s exactly the stupid goddess we need.”

Smiling, he slithered beside Syph. “Do you want to know why Lucky and Gorgoz had their falling-out?”

He put a wing around her.

Syph said, “Oh, this can’t still be about that. Who could hold a grudge this long over a silly little thing a few thousand years ago?”

“Why don’t you tell them all about that silly little thing?”

“I really don’t see how it’s any of their business.”

“Syph…”

“Oh, all right. But it was a very long time ago. I hardly remember it at all. I had so many suitors back then. I can’t be expected to place significance on all of them.” She lowered her voice, as if admitting something she’d rather not. “Gorgoz and I used to date.”

“You went out with that guy?” asked Janet.

“I dated chaos and death gods almost exclusively for a few centuries. Hades, Ahzuulrah, Frush’ee’aghov the Lesser, Shalim, Tezcatlipoca, Nyx.”

Quick raised an eye ridge with the last one.

“Hey, it was the dawn of time,” said Syph. “Everybody was experimenting a little. So I went through a bad-boy phase. Gorgoz came near the end of it. We only went on a few dates. Nothing special.”

“But…” said Quick, encouraging her to continue.

“But… he didn’t want to end things. The sap wouldn’t take no for an answer. Kept on pestering me. What a loser, right?”

Everyone replied with silence, and Syph continued, oblivious to the irony.

“Eventually, I’d had enough. So I told him that I was in love with someone else and that he would just have to accept that. Poor guy took it hard, I guess. Who could blame him? I was the most desirable goddess in all of creation. He vowed revenge on my love, swearing to destroy all of the god’s followers, then the god himself, then all of the universe if that was what it took to convince me of his devotion.”

She sighed.

“Kind of sweet, actually. In a mad-lord-of-oblivion sort of way.”

Bonnie said, “All of this is because this Gorgoz wants you and you don’t want him. And you want Lucky, but he doesn’t want you…”

Syph glowered.

“This is all because of a divine love triangle?” asked Teri.

“I’m not sure it’s a true love triangle,” said Janet. “More like a love one-way street.”

“It’s like an episode of a bad teen drama. It might even be funny if my husband, my stupid, noble, self-sacrificing son-of-a-bitch husband, wasn’t going to die because you all can’t just sit down and talk about this. What’s the point of being immortal if you waste eternity worrying about stupid shit like this?”

“It’s complicated.”

“No, it’s not,” said Teri. “You have to go talk to Gorgoz, explain things to him so that he’ll stop this ridiculous vendetta and give me back my husband.”

“Oh, no. I couldn’t do that.”

“I wasn’t asking you. I was telling you.”

“You’re giving me orders?” Syph chuckled. “You’re fortunate I find that so amusing. Otherwise, I’d kill you where you stood.”

“Go ahead,” said Teri. “Smite me.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m inviting you to smite me. They all heard me. So go ahead and smite me.”

“I will not be taunted.” I’m waiting.

“Hold on,” said Bonnie. “Let’s not get crazy. Teri, you’re distraught.” She interposed herself between Syph and Teri. “She’s upset.”

“You’re damn right I’m upset.”

Teri pushed Bonnie aside and advanced on Syph.

“You better smite me. Because if you don’t, I’m going to chase you to the ends of the Earth. I’ll come after you. I’ll make deals with any gods I have to and do whatever is necessary to bring you down. If you think your endless life is miserable now, just give me some time.”

Syph raised her hand. Dark power danced on her fingertips. Teri stood defiant before the goddess, who reached for her.

Quick grabbed Syph’s wrist.

“Time out on the pissing contest, ladies.”

“Stay out of this,” they replied in unison.

“Love to, but I can’t. I think we’re losing sight of the big picture here. Syph, Teri might be asking for a smiting, but she’s also right that this thing with Lucky and Gorgoz has gone on way too long. And, Teri, railing against the heavens in noble defiance might satisfy some self-destructive mortal impulse you’re struggling with, but it never ends well.

“So here’s what we’re going to do. Syph and I are going to have a talk with Gorgoz, straighten things out like reasonable deities, put a stop to this absurd cycle, and, most importantly, get Phil back.”

“I’m not agreeing to this,” said Syph.

“Yes, you are. Because you know it’s the right thing to do. For Phil, and you, and Gorgoz, and Lucky. It’s the right thing to do for everybody when it comes right down to it.”

“Fine, but in return I demand the following tribute from everyone present.”

Quick said, “No tribute. See, when something’s the right thing to do, you don’t do it for a reward.”

It was clear to everyone that Syph didn’t understand that concept. But Quick assured them that he’d explain it more thoroughly on the way.

“Great. I’ll get my keys,” said Teri. “I’m driving.”

“Oh, no,” replied Quick. “Putting you two into a car right now would probably be a very bad idea. Wrathful goddess and defiant mortal do not mix. And, to be perfectly honest, you’ll only get in the way.”

“I can’t just sit here.”

“Yes, you can.” He slithered over, took her by the shoulders, and very deliberately pushed her down into the sofa. “Don’t make me swallow you whole to make you behave.”

“If you swallowed her whole, wouldn’t she end up going with us?” asked Syph.

Everyone ignored the goddess.

“Just making an observation.”

“Teri, I want you to wait an hour. If you don’t hear from us by then, call Divine Affairs and let them know where to find us.

“I don’t see why we can’t just call them now,” said Syph.

“Because so far Gorgoz has outmatched all of us,” said Quick. “Our best chance is to reason with him.”

“Because he’s so reasonable,” said Syph.

“It’s worth a shot.”

“Oh, all right,” said Syph as Quick guided her toward the door. “But I don’t see why one insignificant mortal life is worth getting this worked up over.”

“One hour,” said Quick to Teri just before the gods took to the sky and flew away.

Teri grabbed her keys.

Where are you going?” asked Janet.

“Where do you think I’m going?” replied Teri.

“But Quick said-”

“I know what he said. And I don’t care. The gods got me into this mess. I’ll be damned if I’ll just stand aside and let them try to get me out of it.”

“Aren’t we at least going to call Divine Affairs?” asked Janet.

“So they can blow up Gorgoz and any unfortunate mortals who happen to be standing beside him?”

Janet and Bonnie stepped between Teri and the garage.

“You’re not thinking this through,” said Bonnie.

“No, I’m not. I’m being foolish and impetuous and headstrong. Because that’s the only way to deal with gods. You don’t negotiate. You just charge right in and tell them you’re not going to put up with their crap anymore.”

“And then you end up turned into a spider,” observed Bonnie.

“Not always. Sometimes you earn their respect.”

Janet and Bonnie tried to remember any historical precedent. There were a few here and there, but for the most part, mortals who challenged the gods ended up squashed beneath their feet.

“I have to do this,” said Teri. “And if I’m not going to let gods stop me, what makes you think I’ll let you?”

There was an edge in her voice that let Janet and Bonnie know that Teri was deadly serious. Janet was a few inches taller than Teri, and Bonnie outweighed her by perhaps ten pounds. But both women knew that standing in her way was probably the worst place for mortal or god to be right now. Teri was charged with righteous indignation. It was indeed the kind of determination that could even get the heavens to stand up and take notice. Whether those same heavens parted the seas or razed a civilization in response was always up in the air, though.

“I’m going with you,” said Janet.

“Me, too,” said Bonnie.

“Fine. I don’t have time to argue.”

Teri jumped in her car, but locked the doors before the others could get in.

Janet pounded on the window. “Teri, don’t you dare do this.”

Teri slammed on the accelerator, not even bothering to open the garage door. The indestructible car smashed its way through. Teri barreled down the street without looking back.

“Do you remember the address?” asked Bonnie.

“No, damn it,” replied Janet.

“She’s going to get herself killed,” said Bonnie.

“If she’s lucky.”