Pentimento

What he remembered most about her was that she almost never wore stockings. He always remembered that when he thought of her. Her name was Carole Duke. In his mind she always looked the same. Dark blue dress with tiny white polka dots, hair worn short, like Claudette Colbert, carefully shaven legs white and stockingless, red high heels. He knew she wore many other things, and no things, but he always remembered her that way.

He met Carole at a USO, in the Back Bay, near Kenmore Square. He was eighteen, on leave between boot camp and the Pacific, at loose ends. His father had died the previous summer in a construction accident. His mother didn’t seem to him like a mother. She seemed to him like a drunken slattern, so while everybody else went home after basic, he rented a room, and drifted around the city, waiting until it was time to ship out. He didn’t feel particularly lonely. He missed his father, but his mother had ceased to matter a long time ago.

At the USO there was food and big band music, and hostesses who volunteered to dance with the young servicemen soon to be in combat. The room was full of men in uniform. One of the young women, a hostess wearing a blue dress with white polka dots, spoke to him.

“Want to dance, Marine?”

He said he did. And they swung out onto the dance floor to “American Patrol.”

“So where are you from, Mr. Marine?”

“Boston,” he said.

“Home on leave.”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

He told her that his mother lived here but they didn’t get along. He told her he had rented a room on Huntington Avenue.

“You have your orders yet,” she said.

The band played “There Are Such Things,” and they slowed. She pressed herself against him.

“First Marines,” he said.

“Sounds like the Pacific to me,” she said.

“Yes.”

Her face was near his as they danced. She smelled like good soap.

“Wow,” she said. “I’d be so scared.”

“I guess I’ll be scared,” he said. “I guess everybody is.”

“But you do it.”

“Sure.”

“That’s so brave,” she said.

He pressed his hand into the small of her back as they danced. A female vocalist sang, “I don’t want to walk without you, baby...”

“And you have no one to worry about you?”

“I’ll worry about me,” he said.

She laughed softly. He could feel her breath on his neck.

“Well, dammit,” she said. “I will, too.”


She had an apartment on Park Drive not far from the Harvard Medical School area where she worked. He looked around: small foyer, living room on the right, bath next to it, bedroom on the left, tiny kitchen ahead.

“You got your own apartment?” he said.

“Sure.”

“You live alone here?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I been living in a barracks with a lot of guys. Alone seems nice.”

“As long as it’s not too alone,” she said. “Would you like a drink?”

“Sure.”

She brought out some Vat 69 scotch and some ice and a glass siphon with a lacy silver design on it. She poured two scotches, added some ice, and squirted the carbonated water from the siphon. She handed him one.

“Come on, Mr. Marine, sit with me on the couch.”

He sat. She sat beside him. Her bare legs gleamed. He drank some scotch. It was good. His drinking experience was mostly beer up till now.

“How old are you?” she said.

“Eighteen.”

He almost called her ma’am, but caught himself.

“Wow,” she said. “I’m twenty-five.”

He didn’t know what to say about this, so he simply nodded.

“What do you think about that?” she said.

“Doesn’t seem to matter,” he said.

“No,” she said. “It doesn’t seem to.”

“Were you in high school until the Marines?” she said.

“No. I quit school,” he said. “I was doing high ironwork, with a bunch of Mohawk Indians.”

“High iron?”

“Yeah, you know, skyscrapers. Mostly the Mohawks do that stuff, but they needed a guy quick, and I was willing.”

“My God,” she said.

“You get used to it,” he said. “My father did it too.”

“And you don’t get along with your mother?”

“No,” he said.

“Because?”

He could feel the length of her thigh against his as she sat beside him.

“A lot of booze,” he said. “A lot of men.”

“How awful,” she said.

He shrugged.

“She does what she does,” he said. “I do what I do.”

She shifted on the couch and tucked her bare legs beneath her and turned toward him, holding the glass of scotch in both hands.

“And what do you do?” she said.

“Lately,” he said, “I been learning to shoot a rifle.”

“There are better things,” she said.

“Not where I’m going.”

She smiled.

“No, but you’re not there yet.”

He nodded. They were close now, and carefully he put his arm around her. She rested her head against his shoulder.

“You may be young but you seem awfully big and strong,” she said.

“High iron does that,” he said. “You should have seen my father.”

“I should,” she said. “Could you talk to him?”

“Yes.”

“But not your mother.”

“No.”

“So you’re going off to war with no one to talk to.”

“I’m talking to you,” he said.

“But you must have a lot of feelings bundled up in there,” she said. “You need to be able to let go, let it all out.”

“Marines mostly teach you to shut up about stuff,” he said.

“Well, I will teach you differently,” she said. “Have you ever had intercourse?”

He was silent for a moment. His impulse was to claim that he had, but there was something here, something between them. He didn’t want to lie.

“No,” he said. “I haven’t.”

“Then it’s time,” she said and leaned toward him and kissed him on the mouth.

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