Early Warning

1984

ON TUESDAY, Lillian had called Debbie and told her about driving herself to the doctor — she sneaked out when Arthur was down at the bottom of the property, digging up bulbs, and went by herself, and felt fine. Didn’t Debbie think that was a good joke? Debbie did, in a way, but then, on Wednesday, her father called her and said that she had better come, and bring Carlie and Kevvie, and Debbie kept saying, almost yelling, that she couldn’t believe this, she couldn’t believe this, and her father was horribly patient, and said that Dean would pick her up at the airport, and Tina was coming Saturday. But she got herself together by dinnertime — she told Hugh quietly enough so that he wouldn’t think she was going crazy, and then she sat with the kids on the couch in the living room, and said that she had something to tell them. Carlie understood — she nodded, and she tightened her grip on Debbie’s hand, but Kevvie just stared at her, his arm looped around his Funshine Bear and his thumb in his mouth. Hugh, standing in the doorway, said, “That’s why they have to go, Deb; they have to see it.”

And so they did, and because it was Lillian Langdon Manning who was counting out her last hours, it wasn’t that bad, and Debbie did not have to take over, which was always her instinct. She could sit in the kitchen and chat with anyone who passed through, give and accept hugs, offer everyone the food that people brought over because they couldn’t think of anything else to do. The weather was beautiful for January. The kids relaxed and played with the other kids; Carlie was solicitous and maternal with Eric, Dean’s two-year-old. She read him an old Raggedy Ann book she found in Tina’s room, and she was willing to read it over and over, which made Debbie proud in a melancholy sort of way.

Yes, Lillian had driven herself to the doctor on Tuesday, but then, Tuesday night, something broke, some little membrane or wire or bolt (depending on how you imagined the brain), and the hallucinations began. She woke up Wednesday morning, turned to Arthur, and said, “Have you seen Arthur?” Arthur had patiently reminded her over and over that he was right there, and now, as she lay in her bed, looking at the windows or at the sunlight on the ceiling, she would say, “Is that a lake?” or “Did you hear that Henry my brother died?”

Her father would pat her mother’s hand and gently say, “No, darling, that’s the ceiling; I’m right here; Henry is fine, you’ll see him tomorrow.” And her mother would nod and say, “I suppose you’re right.”

Allegedly, there was little if any pain, and if pain should begin, there were painkillers, but her mother had told her father weeks ago that she wanted to be conscious as long as she could be.

She had greeted Debbie with a kiss and asked if Carlie and Kevvie were hers and what their names were. Debbie had made a strenuous effort not to compare how her mother processed her presence with how she processed Dean’s presence, or with the number of times she asked if anyone had seen Tim. Her mother had been precisely and exactly herself for Debbie’s entire life, thirty-six years now, and Debbie had found her too disorganized, too yielding, too wrapped up in her husband, too focused on Tim, too affectionate with Janet for most of that time. But since Carlie’s birth, she had liked her better (liked her — she had always loved her to pieces) and had talked to her almost daily, sometimes asking advice, but mostly just listening to the soothing sound of her voice. In fact, it was the sound of her own voice that Debbie heard most when she made those phone calls, but she could not help checking in, seeking the how-are-you’s, the yes-honey’s, the that’s-a-good-idea’s, the love-you’s.

The calls were over, dead as of Tuesday. Now, every couple of hours, Debbie slipped into the bedroom and listened to the strange conversation between her parents, knowing that she would never forget it and maybe she should not let this be her last indelible memory.

The rest of the time, she arranged the funeral, because someone had to. She called the funeral home, chose the dress and the shoes, wrote the notice for The Washington Post and the local McLean paper. She went through Lillian’s address book, trying to judge who would need to know. She cooked, she washed dishes, washed more dishes.

Her father was perfect — endlessly kind, loving, and reassuring — and her mother seemed to take this for granted (and even as Debbie had this thought, she knew it was stupid). Dean and Linda did the driving-around errands. Linda was nice. Debbie could not object to her in any way, except when she went into Lillian’s room, and Lillian said, “Linda. I would know you anywhere. You are very pretty, do you know that?”

She, Debbie, was the girl who had had the perfect mother — kind, indulgent, organized, and capable — and therefore, if you could still feel that spark of resentment toward the perfect mother, then there were no perfect mothers, and best not to try to be one.

Debbie was in the room when it happened. Her father, who was sitting on the bed, had kissed her mother’s hand and gotten up to stretch and walk around. When he did, her mother cried out — just “Oh! Oh!”—and then she lay back, and her eyes were open and her jaw was slack. Debbie took a step toward the bed, and her father was just ahead of her. He said, “Lily Pons? Darling?”

Debbie put her head out the door and called in a low but intense voice, “Tina! Dean!” and went back into the room. Tina was there at once. Lillian said, “What is that noise?” And then Dean appeared, and all three of them approached the bed. Lillian lifted her head, then let it fall back, and her last word was “Darling.”

It didn’t matter whom she was thinking of or talking to, but always afterward, Debbie said that her mother had looked at her father, said “Darling,” and passed away.

—

DEBBIE HAD CALLED maybe seven people, Tina had called four or five, and their father hadn’t called anyone, because after their mother died he seemed to collapse. So Debbie was amazed when she finished dressing herself, and then Carlie and Kevvie, to come out to the living room and discover that it was packed to the doors, that there were people chatting in the hall who stopped talking when they saw her and gave her sympathetic looks, that the front door was wide open and there were cars parked all the way down the driveway and out onto the road, and more people, everyone dressed in somber, formal outfits, walking up to the house. They should have had it at the funeral home or at a church of some sort after all — with no one to consult, she had assumed that maybe thirty friends plus Uncle Henry, Uncle Frank, Aunt Andy, and Janet would show up. When she’d called Uncle Joe, he had started crying as soon as she said, “My mom…” but he didn’t dare come — Lois had some sort of stomach virus, and he had been exposed. Aunt Claire couldn’t come, either, because she had just started at Younkers; she and Debbie had agreed they would do a memorial at the farm, maybe at Thanksgiving or Christmas, and then Claire had burst out crying, too, and said, “Oh, sweetie, your mom was my idol. When I was little, I would get her mixed up in my mind with Maureen O’Hara, except that I thought your mom was more glamorous!” The first thing Debbie did when she saw all the people was to go out to the pool area and check that the gate was chained, and the next thing she did was go into her father’s office and lock the liquor cabinet. The coffin, closed because her father couldn’t stand for it to be open, was in the living room, right out of a nineteenth-century novel, but that hadn’t been her intention — her intention had been to keep her mother for as long as she possibly could, not to let her leave home until the very last minute.

Her father was a mess. He kept running his hand back through his hair and standing it on end, and he could not tolerate the feeling of his tie, so he had pulled that off and draped it around his neck. He was wearing a black suit that looked like it had crumpled itself to conform to his state of mind. Debbie watched him. A man would come up to him, shake his hand, mutter something sympathetic, then put his arm around her father’s shoulders and walk him a little away from the crowd. There would be earnest words, more head shaking, a pat on the back; then that man would walk him back into the group, and another man would do the same. Her father looked pale and distraught, as though he found all of this attention disconcerting, but Debbie didn’t know how to put a stop to it or draw him away.

The weather continued calm and clear. As one o’clock approached, Debbie went through the crowd, handing out the programs that Linda had made at the copy center. Mr. Littlejohn, who was going to play the piano, had to walk half a mile to the house. Debbie thanked him effusively, and saw that he understood — he and she were the only two people in control of this mob. Dean, Linda, and Tina set out the rented chairs — not enough — and every bench, kitchen chair, and stool they could find. At one o’clock, Mr. Littlejohn commenced Pachelbel’s “Canon in D.” Everyone stopped talking, came into the living room, and sat down where they could. Debbie took her father into custody — she got him to sit beside her, and she tightly held his hand. Aunt Andy was on his other side, and Uncle Frank was leaning against the wall nearby. Janet had come without Emily or Jared, and she was in the back of the room, keeping to herself. Debbie knew from their talk late last night that Janet was barely holding herself together, but she couldn’t think about that. Aunt Andy quietly took her father’s other hand. When they were all silent, Mr. Littlejohn played the Introit from Mozart’s Requiem, arranged for piano, and much more somber than the Pachelbel. Faces assumed their proper expressions.

Once the music had stopped, a minister they knew socially — a very liberal and cheerful-looking man — got up and gave the sermon. He did not mention “God,” only “our dear Father,” and he said the blandest possible prayers that everyone knew. Then Uncle Frank stepped up and talked about the farm, and Lillian with her troops of devoted friends, and then, all of a sudden, she was spirited away by some stranger, and it turned out to be Arthur, and when he met Arthur and saw them together, he knew he had seen true love. Then Janet came forward and talked for a few moments about Tim, and then Tina came forward and talked about watching her mother her whole life and saying to herself, Oh, that’s how you do it; and now she had seen her mother die, and she had said once again, Oh, that’s how you do it; and she thought of her mother going ahead of her into that unknown kingdom, and somehow felt safer. Then it was Dean’s turn, and he started to talk about being allowed to do whatever he wanted when he was a child, and how that was the best — but he couldn’t go on, and after a few moments, Linda had to come up and take him back to his chair.

Debbie crumpled her paper in her hand and stared at her strangely moving feet in their black pumps as she stepped to the front of the room. As she passed the coffin, she allowed her fingers to run along the dark-reddish edge. Mahogany? It looked like it; her mother herself had picked it out. When she saw all the faces looking up at her, she crumpled the paper even tighter, then looked at the back wall of the living room and out the windows, at the shine of the pool in the warm air. When she opened her mouth, she said, “I am a know-it-all, and have always been a know-it-all, and all these years I spent telling my mother what to do, and either she did what I told her, or she very kindly went her own way and did it differently and better than I would have done. But even as much of a know-it-all as I have always been”—everyone was smiling—“I always knew that my mother, Lillian Manning, knew all there was to know about being a loving mother and a loving wife and a loving friend. I hate how much we miss her already, and how much we will miss her tomorrow and forever.” And then she, like Dean, started to cry, and so she went and sat down, and she could hardly see where she was going through the tears.

Her father got up. Debbie took out her Kleenex and wiped her eyes, of course smearing her mascara. Aunt Andy reached across his empty seat and stroked her arm. Debbie glanced at Uncle Frank, who had gone back to leaning against the wall, and was staring at her father with a kind of hungry curiosity. Yes, they all thought it: How will he survive this?

But her father had pulled himself together, and now he was his usual self. He clasped his hands and said, “I want to tell a little story. Long, long ago, I was driving from Rapid City, South Dakota, to D.C., and when I got to a small town in Iowa, I walked into a bar. Now I say that I walked into a bar, but actually, as I remember, Iowa was dry then, so really, I walked into a drugstore with a soda fountain. And behind the counter there was a very pretty girl. In those days, I, like many of us at the end of the war, considered myself a Big Bad Wolf. Now, thanks to Farley Mowat, we know that the Big Bad Wolf is a wolf who has perhaps lost his female parent, been driven out of the pack at an early age, and may have seen his mate shot by hunters and his single cub die of starvation, but back then, a wolf was a wolf, and if you were a wolf, you had very bad intentions. I chatted up the pretty girl, and I walked her to her car, of course telling her that it was others who had bad intentions, not me. I went to the nearest larger town, and I put myself up for the night.

“The next afternoon, I deployed my very extensive espionage skills to discover that that very same girl showed up to work behind the fountain at noon, and I was at my stool as soon as she put on her apron. I ordered twenty-six cherry Cokes, and have never partaken of a cherry Coke since. I gave her all of my very best Big Bad Wolf speeches, and, sure enough, by the end of the evening, I had her in my clutches. She agreed to accompany me to the wolf den, even though the wolf den was far, far away.

“You know, Little Red Riding Hood always saw herself as the prey of the wolf, but in fact the wolf cared nothing for Little Red — he was after the braised lamb shanks in her bag that she was carrying to her grandmother — and so it was that you should envision that pretty girl, not as Little Red Riding Hood, but as a lamb, frisky and playful, sitting in the front seat of my car. We drove along, and for an hour, the little lamb bleated pleasantly about her job and her family and her brother who had been in the war. I figured that if I drove far enough I could avoid the brother if I had to. I should say that the sun was rather low in the afternoon sky when we departed, and so we stopped for a bite to eat in Cedar Rapids, and then went on. Finally, we got to a town on a big river, and the lamb was getting sleepy, and so I said, ‘Would you like to stop for the night?’ I was licking my wolfish lips, of course.”

Debbie looked around. Everyone was staring at her father, and Debbie thought it was a very good thing most of them knew him quite well. He went on. “Well, I went into the office of a little motel by the river, and I asked for a room, and the old granny there looked at me as if she was afraid she might be eaten, and gave me the key. Then I let the lamb out of the car, and she looked, I must say, just a trifle nervous, so I opened the door of the cottage, gave her the key, and went back to my car. I sat there for a long time, contemplating my wolfish nature. And then I fell asleep. It got very cold, what with the fog rising off the river, and I woke up. I looked around and I was sore afraid. I could not remember where I was, or how I got there, and even my car looked strange to me in the moonlight, because, of course, there was moonlight. And so I opened the door of the car and staggered out. There was a light on in the cottage, and I went to look in the window.”

Now he stared around the room for effect, as he had so often stared around the dinner table when they were children, daring them not to believe that a bird had brought him Tim’s report card and that, furthermore, the bird had been weeping at the sight of Tim’s D’s and F’s. He said, “The blinds were closed, but just then, two fingers separated two of the slats, and right there, staring at me, was that pretty girl. We both laughed, and I knew right where I was and what I was supposed to be doing, and that, whatever sort of wolf I was, this lamb was on to me, I couldn’t keep anything from her.” Everyone laughed, and Debbie thought, That’s what a funeral is for — laughing. “The next morning, we found a judge, right there in Clinton, and he overlooked a few legal niceties because he was a wise man, and to this day I thank him from the bottom of my heart.”

There was silence. Debbie could see that people were, somehow, tempted to clap, but of course they didn’t. Her father stared at the coffin, and stepped toward it. He put his hand on it and patted it gently. Debbie bit her lips. He looked at her and smiled. She sniffed. But he didn’t sit down. Standing there, one hand on the coffin, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, and stared at it for a moment. Debbie could see what it was — a leaf from her mother’s kitchen pad — and maybe, Debbie thought, he was going to do a very Arthurish thing, read her final shopping list. He said, “Early in the summer, after Lillian got her diagnosis, we were talking about this day, and she said that there was something that I had to — well, we had to do — which was to include her aunt Eloise in the memorial service. Some of you may know that Eloise Silber, Lillian’s mother’s sister, died in San Francisco last spring.”

Aunt Eloise had been discovered dead in her bed by the police, who had had to break down the door. They estimated ten days or two weeks. Between Rosa’s road’s being washed out and the roof’s collapsing with all the rain at the co-op where Aunt Eloise worked, no one had put two and two together, and then…Well, in Oakland, the cops said, it was not such a rare thing.

“Lillian was very upset by the circumstances of her aunt’s death, and the fact that there was only a cremation and no memorial service, so she wrote the following, which I would like to read.”

There was some coughing, and Aunt Andy said, “Oh, dear.”

“ ‘Please join me in remembering and giving thanks for the life of Eloise Mary Vogel Silber, who may have been a communist, but never defended Stalin or even Lenin, much less Mao Tse-tung. If she had grown up in one of those countries instead of Iowa, they would have put her to death early on, because she never hesitated to tell the truth, no matter who was listening. She made a lot of people mad, including the California Un-American Activities Committee. When Eloise was asked to testify, she not only admitted holding certain beliefs, she kept saying, “Yes, I thought the German Communist Party was good. Didn’t you?” She also was very honest when she said that, even if they threw her in jail, she was not going to talk about anyone except herself and her late husband, and when they asked her about him, she said, “He was shot by the Germans when that scum Mountbatten tested his invasion ideas at Dieppe.” I loved my aunt Eloise, and her life is proof that well-meaning people can hold many different ideas. She left the Party, and she saved my niece Janet, and she thought about good and evil for her entire life. Please join me in honoring her memory, whoever you are.’ ” Her father kissed the piece of paper, folded it, and slipped it into his breast pocket.

And Debbie knew from that last line that her mother knew exactly who would be at her funeral, and did intend to have the last word. Aunt Andy dabbed her eyes, Uncle Frank grinned, and her father patted the coffin again. Then he thanked everyone for coming. The final service at the gravesite would commence in one hour, for those who wished to attend.