Eggsecutive Orders

CHAPTER 19

I STARED OUT THE WINDOW OF THE METRO train, seeing nothing. My conversation with Tom replayed itself in my mind, like a wretched scene from a sad movie. I analyzed every movement, every nuance. Not that there was much to decode. Once I’d told him what was on my mind, Tom had made it clear he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Had I done the right thing? Was I inadvertently punishing him for not supporting me? Was I being selfish with my need for the freedom to poke my nose where I wanted to poke it?

My heart seemed to beat more slowly than it ever had, every lub-dub a crushing ache. The relationship might have ended, but that didn’t mean my feelings for Tom had. I still cared deeply for him, and probably always would. I wondered again if I’d made the right decision. But Tom had been asking me to be someone I wasn’t. He wanted a girlfriend who would follow the rules of life that made sense to him, but were anathema to me.

In his life, he was right-just as I was in mine. No fault to be assigned. But no happy ending, either. I looked out into the darkness.

I sighed again. Just because this was the right thing to do didn’t make it easy.

“You’re back,” Nana said when I came through the door. Her face was bright with excitement, but I couldn’t find it in me to smile back.

“Where’s Mom?” I asked.

“She had a wonderful time,” Nana went on, unmindful of my mood. “They only got back about a half hour ago.”

Instinctively I looked at my watch, but the time didn’t register. Still, I knew it was late. “Just a half hour ago?” I asked, still standing in my little foyer. My mind was slow to process her words. “But it’s after midnight.”

Nana grinned.

“Whatever,” I said. My conversation with Tom was still fresh in my mind, and still stung. I wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep away my disappointment. I desperately wanted to be alone.

“Ollie,” Mom said, coming in from the kitchen. She, too, looked at her watch. “I thought you’d be home by now.”

Looking away, I said. “Lots of catch-up work.”

Nana continued to beam at her daughter, but my mom was staring at me. “Is there something wrong?”

Making a face that said, “Nah,” I lied, shaking my head. “Just a long day. That, and the fact that they’ve suspended Bucky.”

They chorused their disapproval and started to ask me questions, but I really couldn’t handle explaining everything right then. Cranky, tired, and feeling as though my hands were tied, I realized it was better to let someone else talk for a while. “How did Kap behave?” I asked.

“Behave?” There was levity in Mom’s voice, but I could sense her displeasure at my choice of words. “Perfectly, of course. We went to a lovely restaurant for dinner.” When she told me about the upscale seafood restaurant, I interrupted.

“You have that chain in Chicago. I’ve seen at least one of them downtown. And in Schaumburg. Probably Oak Brook, too.”

Mom’s smile faltered only slightly. “You may be right, but this was a new experience for me.”

“It’s a decent restaurant,” I said against rising anger I knew I should contain, but couldn’t. “But why not take you somewhere unique to D.C.?”

She blinked. “The restaurant didn’t matter. What mattered was the company.”

“The company of a man who was on a date with you instead of at his best friend’s funeral?”

“Olivia!” Mom snapped.

“I’m sorry,” I said. Although I meant it, I was not able to stand there and talk a moment longer. I didn’t blame her. I blamed myself. But that didn’t mean I had control over my emotions right now. I wanted to find a familiar hole and hide, letting the rest of the world go on without me. Every thread of my soul panged with disappointment. All I wanted was to be alone.

The looks Mom and Nana gave me were less of anger and more of concern. “I’m sorry,” I said again.

“Something is wrong, isn’t it?” Mom asked.

One thing about people who have known you since birth: You can rely on them to be your strongest allies when times get really tough, even if they don’t fully understand. I knew they would cut me the slack I needed tonight. And despite my desire for solitude, I was glad they were there. “There’s a lot wrong,” I said finally. “But right now I better go to bed before I make things worse.” I tried to smile, but I wasn’t fooling anyone. “I’m going to put an end to this horrible day, and start fresh tomorrow.”

Nana and Mom exchanged glances.

“That’s probably best,” Mom said.

I lay awake for a long time, staring up into the darkness until my eyes adjusted and everything in the room seemed clear again. If only life were like that, I thought. Look at something long enough, and see it for what it really is.

Mom and Nana sat in the kitchen, talking. I couldn’t make out their words, but the soft murmurings-which I knew were full of concerns about me-reminded me of nights in my bed when I was a little girl at home and the comforting sound of their quiet conversation lulled me to sleep. Oh that I could return to those days, just for an instant… Just for tonight.

Sleep continued to dance in the darkness, just out of reach. As I stared at the ceiling and reshuffled my last conversation with Tom, I watched the dull luminescence of the clock. Its digital numbers inched upward with painful precision.

Tomorrow would be a better day, I promised myself. Until I realized it was already tomorrow.