Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 152, Nos. 5 & 6. Whole Nos. 926 & 927, November/December 2018

Agony Column by Peter Lovesey

2018 MWA Grand Master Peter Lovesey is the author of more than three dozen highly acclaimed novels, including the long-running D.I. Peter Diamond series. The Richmond Times Dispatch said of Beau Death, the latest Diamond novel: “It’s hard to imagine a more pleasurable way to read away the hours of a quiet, wintry night.”

Dear Dr. Wisefellow,

My husband Hamish is behaving very strangely. He has started going for long walks on his own. At least, I suppose he is alone. Sometimes he is gone for more than two hours, and when he comes back really late in the evening he is not much company when the lights go out — if you know what I mean. Should I be concerned?

Yours truly,

Neglected of Littlehampton

P. S. We do not own a dog.

Dear Neglected,

There is not much to worry about, so far as I can see. It’s not unusual for a man to go for an evening walk, even without a dog, and if Hamish is gone for two hours, it’s understandable that he’s tired when he gets back. Have you suggested joining him? He may be glad to have you along.

Dear Dr. Wisefellow,

Thank you for your advice. I suggested what you said and Hamish replied in very strong terms. He told me he didn’t something want me on his something walks. So now I’m getting suspicious. He has always had a roving eye, but I’ve never caught him out. Do you think I should follow him one evening?

P.S. He is still not much company when the lights go out — if you know what I mean.

Dear Neglected,

It may not be such a good idea to follow your husband on his walks. Why not try breaking him of the habit by cooking a very special meal and getting in a bottle of his favourite wine? Be sure to light some candles and put on your most attractive dress and I think you will not be disappointed when the lights go out.

Dear Dr. Wisefellow,

I did everything you suggested. Hamish ate the meal and drank the wine and still went for a walk. The only difference was that it was even later when he got home. And there is worse. He opened a book and insisted on reading in bed until he fell asleep. This is a new development — I mean the reading, not the falling asleep.

Dear Neglected,

It might give me an insight into your husband’s behaviour if you tell me the title of the book he is reading.

Dear Dr. Wisefellow,

I wish you hadn’t asked me about the book. I have just checked the title. It is Poisonous Plants and Fungi. Whatever is Hamish up to now? I was awake all night worrying. And he was talking in his sleep, saying some extremely peculiar things. Please advise me what to do.

Dear Neglected,

I was pleased to hear that Hamish has started talking in his sleep because this can be very indicative. Next time you go to bed I want you to smuggle in a small battery-operated tape recorder. You can get them at Currys for £9.99. Then, each time you hear Hamish say something, get it on tape. Make a transcript next day and send it to me, even if it sounds peculiar.

P.S. In the meantime, if he offers to do any cooking, thank him nicely and say no.

Dear Dr. Wisefellow,

I followed your instructions and now I’m more desperate than ever. These are some of the strange things Hamish said in his sleep last night:

At 1 A.M..: Maybe a blunt instrument would work better.

At 1:15: Careful, there may be fingerprints.

At 2:15. Damn and blast! I forgot to renew my passport.

At 2:25. Oh no, not another one!

And at 2:45. Some of you may be wondering why I asked you to assemble in the library.

Soon after this, I must have fallen asleep because I woke up at 4:30 in a state of terror with a metal object pressing into my back. I was lying on the tape recorder. Doctor, I’m out of my mind with worry. Should I go to the police before it is too late?

Dear Neglected,

There is no need to go to the police. I can now set your fears at rest. Your husband Hamish is undergoing a change that happens occasionally to certain men — and women as well. The symptoms you describe are unmistakable. Hamish is becoming a crime writer. A peculiar condition, but not usually dangerous. Soon you will find that he gives up those long walks and starts shutting himself away in a place of isolation like the garden shed, or an attic. If you pass anywhere near, you may hear a tapping sound, or, more likely, shouts of “Blast!” as paper is screwed up and thrown across the room. If you have a cat, keep it out of his way at these times. Keep out of his way yourself unless he asks for help. He may wish to see if you will fit into a trunk or a piano. He may even creep up on you when you are taking a shower. If so, be sure to cooperate. Situations such as these, sensitively handled, will present opportunities for that resumption of improved relations that you have found lacking of late. It isn’t easy being married to a crime writer, but it can have exciting moments.

Dear Dr. Wisefellow,

How can I thank you enough? Your diagnosis was absolutely right. Hamish finished his book and got it published and sold the film rights and here we are six months later beside the pool at our villa in the South of France. The publisher told Hamish the best way to remain a bestseller is to write a strong plot spiced with plenty of passion. I help by giving him ideas and trying them out, just as you suggested. One of my best ideas is the hero catching the blonde lying beside the pool just as nature intended, and I must end this letter because Hamish wants to try it out again.

P.S. In case you were wondering, Hamish is much better company now that it’s all out in the open — if you know what I mean.

© 2018 by Peter Lovesey