Endless

The Choice

“Rory. Rooreee! Time to wake up, sweetie. It’s a whole new day.”

I took a deep breath, clinging to sleep, knowing that if I opened my eyes, my mother’s voice would cease to exist, just like she’d ceased to exist. She was singing my name, and I didn’t want it to end.

“And I thought I was a heavy sleeper,” Darcy said sarcastically.

“Give her a break.” That was Dad. “She’s been through a lot.”

“Come on, sweetie.” My mom gently shook my shoulder. “I want to look into your eyes.”

I blinked myself awake. I was on a soft cotton pad on the floor of a vast white room, and I was staring at my mother’s face. She looked nothing like she had on the day she died, with those sunken cheeks and milky eyes. She looked healthy. Perfect. Like she’d never been touched by cancer.

“Hey there. It’s my baby,” she said, her voice full.

I sat up and she enveloped me in a lilac-scented hug. Her blond hair brushed my face. I’d forgotten her hair, how long and soft it was.

“Mom? Where are we?” I looked up and saw my dad and Darcy standing behind her, wearing the same clothes they’d worn the nights they’d disappeared. Darcy in a tight blue T-shirt and jeans. Dad in his polo shirt and khakis. “I’m dreaming, right? This is a dream.”

My mother reached out and tucked my hair behind my ears. “It’s not a dream,” she said, a proud smile lighting her face. “We’re here because of you. We’re together because of you.”

“Me?”

“You committed a purely selfless act,” my mother said, her hand coming to rest atop mine. It was so tan and perfect, her wedding ring shining on her ring finger. “You willingly gave yourself up to the Shadowlands to save those souls, and because of that, you were sent to the Light.”

My heart leaped, and I looked at my father. “This is the Light? What about the others?”

“They’re here,” Darcy said with a smile. “Aaron is beside himself.”

I laughed and tears overflowed, bathing my face. “And Nadia? Cori?”

“They’ve been here since they passed,” my mom told me. “They were given the choice to return to Juniper Landing, but they chose to stay.”

Relief hit my chest. “So I don’t have to go to the Shadowlands? I don’t have to be with—”

“Don’t even say his name,” my mother said, touching her fingertips to my lips. “You never need to say his name again.”

I collapsed against her and cried, releasing the torrents of terror and confusion and uncertainty I had bottled up for so long. My mother hugged me close, her strength radiating through me. Just to be with her, just to be held by her again, was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetie,” she said into my hair, kissing the top of my head. “Everything you’ve been through and everything you’ve done, and you’re still my strong little girl.”

“You’ve been watching me?” I asked through my tears.

“Of course. Are you kidding? I’ve been watching you since the moment I died,” she said. She tipped my head back and held my face between her hands. “I never left you.”

Then she looked at my dad and Darcy. “I never left any of you.” She gazed into my eyes again. “And whatever you decide to do next, I’ll always be right there beside you.”

I felt a stab of foreboding. “Whatever I decide to do next?”

My mother nodded. She got up, tugging me by the hands to stand with her. We stepped off the cotton mat and onto the warm white floor. With one hand still clutching mine, my mother lifted the other and, palm out, wiped the air in front of us as if she were cleaning a window. Instantly, an image appeared. We were looking at the foot of the bridge, at Tristan, who was on his knees, and Joaquin, who stood over him. Tristan was sobbing, his shoulders bent, his hands flopped uselessly across his knees.

“What happened?” I asked. “Where’s Krista?”

“Krista’s deal was that she would be returned to Earth. Once your selfless act released those innocent souls, the Shadowlands drew her in for itself instead,” my mother explained grimly. “As far as Tristan and Joaquin know, both of you are in the Shadowlands, and no one was ever released.”

My mouth was dry as sand. “So they think I failed.”

“They think you were tricked,” my mother corrected. She took a breath and turned me to face her. “Now you need to decide whether you wish to stay here, in the Light, with us, or go back to Juniper Landing and continue your mission.”

My heart thumped extra hard. I glanced over at my dad and Darcy. “What about you?” I asked my sister. “Do you get the same choice?”

“Yeah, but I already made it,” she said. “I’m staying here.”

“Oh.”

“When I really thought about it, I realized I’m not gonna stay with Fisher forever, and if we break up, there’s gonna be so much drama,” Darcy said, rolling her eyes. “I’m sort of over all that, you know?”

“But what about being a Lifer? What about our mission?” I asked.

She lifted her shoulders. “I was never technically a Lifer. I never really got what it meant. Honestly…I think I’d rather stay here and just…be.”

“Rory, we want you to know that whatever you decide, we’re here for you and we’re happy for you,” my father said. “If you want to go back, we’ll understand. And we’ll always be with you.”

I nodded, looking at my mom. The only thing I’d wanted for the past four years was to see her again. To hear her voice. To have her hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. And there she was. Right there. Could I really imagine letting her go again?

“I want to be with you,” I said plainly. “It’s the only thing I’ve wanted since the second you told me you were sick.”

“I know, sweetie.”

“What’s it like here?” I asked. “Are you happy?”

“I’m at peace,” she said gently. “There’s a certainty about being here. Knowing nothing can ever hurt you again. There’s no confusion, no longing, no guilt. You just…are.”

It sounded like perfection, never having to worry. Never feeling pain or uncertainty. But there was something leading in her tone. She was trying to tell me something. I looked her in the eye and flinched in understanding.

“But there’s also no Tristan,” I said. “No confusion, longing, pain, uncertainty, or guilt means no passion, too. No…love?”

“Oh, there’s love,” she said. “It’s all around us. But it’s not the same. It’s not what you have with him.”

She tilted her head and smiled. “C’mere,” she said, holding out one hand.

I took it and she pulled me into her side, wrapping one arm around me and holding me close in a way that tickled me enough to make me laugh.

“You love him, don’t you?” she said. “With all your heart?”

“Yeah,” I croaked.

“And your mission there…it fulfilled you?” she asked. “It made you feel good, useful, accomplished?”

I straightened up, pulling away from her, and nodded, but my fingers still found her hand, unwilling to break apart for more than a second. “It did.”

“I so looked forward to this when I was alive,” she said, looking from me to Darcy. “That day you girls would come to me and tell me you’d found the one. And then, after everything that happened…” She looked away, then back to me, smiling. “The point is, I never thought I’d get to do it, yet here we are.” She squeezed my hand, her eyes shimmering, and I knew she thought that I should go back. That I should be happy. That I should have a life, however odd and unconventional and of the unliving it was. “It’s amazing how the universe works, isn’t it?”

I nodded, a half sob, half laugh rumbling from my throat. “Yeah. It is.”

“It’s okay,” my mother told me. She drew me into her chest and held me close, her chin against my shoulder. “It’s okay, baby. You go. You be with him. You deserve to be happy.”

“Mom,” I choked out. “Mommy. I wish you could come with me.”

“I know,” she said. “I know. But we got through this once before. We can do it again.” She pulled back and touched my face. “And who knows? Eternity is a long time. We may just find a way to meet up in the future. We Miller girls seem to have a way of getting around the rules.”

I snorted a laugh, tears and snot running unbidden down my face—as if I cared. I turned around and hugged my dad good-bye. He was sturdy and strong for a good five seconds before he finally let out a ragged cry, and I nearly broke. Then I turned to Darcy, and she gripped me tight, her arms high around my shoulders as I clung to her skinny waist. She rubbed her hand in my hair and kissed my forehead.

“Tell Fisher I said good-bye,” she told me. “And that other jerk, too.”

I smiled. “Will do.”

Then, finally, I returned to my mother for one last bolstering hug. She kissed one cheek, then the other, then my forehead, and put her hands on my shoulders.

“Never forget who you are,” she said.

“Who is that again?” I asked tearfully.

“You’re Rory Miller,” she said. “You’re strong and smart and fierce and defiant and compassionate and caring and true. You’re my daughter, and I’ve got your back.”

I smiled as best I could and tried not to choke as I said, “Thanks, Mom. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, baby.”

For a long moment, we stood there, gazing at each other, and even though I knew this was good-bye, and even though my limbs felt heavy with sadness, this was so very different from the moment I’d said good-bye to her on Earth. There had been so much uncertainty then, so much finality, so much never-ever again. Now I knew where she was going to be, I knew she’d be safe, I knew she’d be watching. And the reality of that made my heart feel light.

My mom nodded, then turned me around slowly. Gradually, quietly, a vortex opened in front of us, this one white and long and far less intimidating. My mother leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said.

A velvet bag appeared in her hands, and she handed it to me. It was heavy, bulbous, and I had a feeling I knew what was inside. “Here,” she said. “You’re going to need these.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I said lightly. “You always did give the best presents.”

She shrugged and kissed my forehead. “Your mom knows what you need better than anyone.”

I smiled, turned around, and stepped through.