Envy

Chapter 11

“So I think I’m going to ditch out on this whole swim meet thing,” Miranda said, stretching herself out on Harper’s living room couch.

“What do you mean, ‘ditch out’?” Harper asked lazily. She was curled up in a worn orange armchair, feeling far too relaxed and contented to get upset about Miranda’s last-minute change of heart. “Why wouldn’t you go?”

“I don’t know.” Miranda, who’d been playing a game of ‘should I or shouldn’t I eat this’ with a bag of Chips Ahoy! for the last twenty minutes, finally pushed the unopened bag away in disgust. “With the SATs and all, it just seems like maybe I should stay home and study-”

“The SATs aren’t until Saturday,” Harper pointed out. “We’ll get back from Valley Glen Thursday night-you’ll have all day Friday to study.” They’d had this conversation already, a few days before, and Harper had thought the matter was closed.

“Yeah, but I’ll be totally wiped, and it’s probably better if I-”

“Miranda, what’s really going on?” Harper interrupted, shaking her head. It’s not like Miranda’s presence on Thursday was at all crucial to the plan-but she didn’t like last-minute changes, not this late in the game. Not when everything was moving along so perfectly.

Miranda flushed and looked away. “I just think it’ll be weird,” she admitted. “Greg’s going, and I don’t want to… I think it’s better if I just stick around here. I’m sure I can find someone who wants to do some last-minute cramming.” She laughed ruefully. “There’s always Beth-I’m sure she’s not going anywhere two days before the SATs, and-” Miranda suddenly caught a glimpse of Harper’s face, which had almost completely drained of color. “What?”

But Harper was struck speechless for a moment, as she felt her whole plan begin to unravel.

“Just to avoid this guy Greg, you’d stay home and”-she could barely bring herself to say it-“study with Beth?”

“Well, I was kind of joking about the Beth thing,” Miranda allowed, “but actually, it doesn’t seem like the worst idea in the world.”

“Except that it is,” Harper countered heatedly-and then caught herself. She couldn’t have Miranda staying home and screwing everything up. She couldn’t leave Beth with a potential alibi. But what was she supposed to tell Miranda?

Obviously not the truth.

“So exactly what was so wrong with this guy?” Harper asked, stalling for time as she desperately tried to figure out how to get Miranda on that bus and safely out of town.

“There was nothing wrong with him,” Miranda clarified, sounding exasperated. “I just don’t think I need to be with a guy I’m not really that into.”

“Okay, first of all, hooking up in a car does not qualify as being ‘with’ him, so just take it easy. Second of all, you’ve only been on one date-that’s, what, four hours? You have no way of knowing whether you’re into him or not.” Harper cringed at her own words, since she’d only needed thirty seconds with Greg to determine he was a loser. But in principle, she reasoned, it was sound advice. So what if she and Miranda, experts in snap judgment, had never followed it before? There was a first time for everything.

“I know that when I stood him next to Kane, it wasn’t pretty. Doesn’t it seem like the guy you’re with-excuse me, on a date with-should at least seem like the most appealing guy in the room?”

Uh, not when you have no chance in hell of getting the one you really want, Harper thought. But she couldn’t say that.

“Miranda, you know that old song, ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with’?” she said instead.

“No, and if you start singing, I’m walking out right now.”

“No singing, I promise. Just a suggestion-give the guy another chance. Forget you ever saw Kane last night.”

“What were you all doing there, anyway?” Miranda asked suspiciously. “I thought you were staying in.”

“Oh?” Well, at least this time she’d known it was coming, and she’d had some time to prepare. “Yeah-uh, Kane told me he was going out with Kaia to talk about… their history project, and I invited myself along. You know, to keep an eye on him-for you!” You are an evil person-and, all of a sudden, a shitty liar, she told herself. She hoped Miranda would buy it.

“Well, thanks, I guess,” Miranda said grudgingly. “I can’t believe you were willing to subject yourself to a night with Kaia just to keep him away from her. For me.”

“Well, believe it.” Please, please believe it.

“So you do still think I’ve got a chance?” Miranda asked, her voice filled with a new hope.

It was a hope that Harper knew she should shoot down immediately, for Miranda’s sake, if not for her own. But if she was going to get Miranda to this swim meet, Harper was going to need to use some bait. And she had just the thing.

“I think… it can’t hurt to find out. And this whole swim team championship could be your perfect opportunity.”

“Why-is Kane coming?”

“He’s on the swim team, isn’t he?” Harper replied carefully. It was a true statement… it just didn’t actually answer the question. “You can spend some time with him, be there to support him. And as for Greg-how do you think Kane will feel, seeing some guy chasing after you for a change?”

“I don’t know if it’s such a good idea, Harper,” Miranda said dubiously. “Having the two of them side by side? It might not be-”

“I saw the way Kane was staring at you in that coffee shop, Rand” Harper broke in, throwing caution to the wind. “Seeing you with another guy? It made him look at you in a whole new way.”

“I thought so too!” Miranda crowed.

Harper smiled weakly, feeling like a sticky gob of something you peel off the bottom of your shoe. It wouldn’t be so bad, she told herself. Maybe once she spent some more time with this loser, Miranda would decide she actually liked him-maybe she’d finally forget all about Kane. When you thought about it, Harper was doing Miranda a service-Kane was a sleazebag, not good enough for her best friend. Things were bad enough now, with Miranda chasing after him so pathetically-but she’d be much, much worse off if she ever got what she wanted. Kane was bad news.

Miranda needed someone good, someone solid. Really, if she knew what Harper was up to, if she knew the whole story, she’d have to be grateful. She’d have to say thank you.

But maybe it was better not to risk it.

They arrived at the school at seven the next day, just after sunrise. The swim team, riding in a separate van, had already left, and Miranda and Harper found themselves lost amid a sea of rabid Haven High fans. It had been a long time since either of them had attended a school sporting event-now, trapped in a rowdy crowd of students waiting to get on the bus, they remembered why they’d stayed away.

“Miranda! Hey, over here!” The two girls looked over toward the sound of the voice to see a life-size foam cactus pushing through the crowd-and heading straight toward them. “Hey, I was hoping you’d be here,” the cactus-guy called, bobbing his head awkwardly-thanks to the costume, his arms were both stuck rigidly out from his body, as if in a permanent double-handed wave.

“Do we know this loser?” Harper muttered to Miranda, as the cactus approached.

Miranda just sighed.

“Hi, Greg. When you said you were coming, you didn’t mention you’d be-” She gestured to his elaborate green foam costume. It was too horrible for words.

“I’m the mascot,” he explained, a wide smile breaking out on his face. “I’m supposed to bring some cheer for the cheering section.”

“Well you certainly brought us some morning cheer,” Harper said snidely, smirking at Miranda.

Miranda just sneered back-then yelped in dismay as Greg’s thorny arm wrapped around her and pulled her toward the bus.

“Our chariot awaits, madame,” he told her gallantly. “You can help me lead the fight song.”

Harper stifled a laugh and tried her best to ignore the pleading look in Miranda’s eyes as Greg dragged her away. She knew she should probably feel guilty, but she couldn’t help it: All she felt was a rush of anticipation and excitement, and the warm certainty that everything was finally falling into place, exactly as she’d planned.

She found a seat for herself on the bus and watched out the window as they pulled out of the lot and onto the open road. The road stretched ahead of them, and Grace soon fell behind-and as the miles wore on, her heart grew lighter and lighter. It was all going to work. By the time the bus returned to Grace, late that night, everything would be different. And Harper would have everything she’d ever wanted. It felt like she’d been waiting a lifetime; but only a few hours more, and her wait would finally be over.

The pit stop was, almost literally, a pit.

It was a gas station in the middle of nowhere, a lonely gray outpost in the gray desert landscape. It looked abandoned, a wreck of a building that faded into the washed-out sepia tones of the scrub-brush covered land. But after three hours on the road, cramped together in a tiny van with nothing but drab scenery, dirty jokes, and a scratched up Outkast CD to keep them entertained, the swim team was ready for a break. And they weren’t picky.

Besides, at least there was a bathroom-unisex, and looking as if it had only recently been introduced to indoor plumbing, but semifunctional nonetheless. There was a small convenience store area by the cash register, where the coffee looked like it should have been dispensed by the ancient, rust-encrusted gas pumps, but it was coffee.

And there was even cell reception. Just in one spot, behind the semi-outhouse and a few feet from where the owner had tethered a sallow, swaybacked horse, but one spot was all Adam needed.

He couldn’t do it, couldn’t leave town without at least trying to talk things out with Beth. Or rather, he had left town, without saying a word, and it was killing him. He would go no farther.

“Hello? Beth?” he shouted when she picked up the phone, trying to make himself heard through the static.

“Adam? Is that you?”

“Beth?” He could barely hear her.

“Where are you?” she asked, her voice punctuated by static and silence. “You’re cutting in and out.”

“Beth, I wanted to apologize.” It took a great deal of effort to get the words out-since really, it was the last thing he wanted to do.

“What? You want to what?”

“I’m sorry!” he shouted.

“Did you say you can’t hear me? I can’t hear you, either.”

“Beth, I just want to…”

She interrupted, but her response was incomprehensible. There was too much static, too many moments of dead air.

“Adam, I-you, but you-if-and then Kane-”

“What? What about Kane?”

“-have to go, Adam-later?”

“Beth, wait!” he called uselessly.

Disconnected.

“Nervous?” Harper asked, hoping that her voice sounded normal and that Adam wouldn’t notice the desire throbbing beneath her carefully casual smile. They stood at the edge of the Olympic-size pool, waiting for Adam’s heat to start, and as Adam shifted his weight from one foot to the other and anxiously watched his teammates finish up the butterfly relay, Harper watched… Adam.

He was wearing nothing but tight orange briefs and an orange and black swim cap with goggles strapped around his head. His tan skin glistened, still wet from his warm-up laps. Harper’s eyes traced a path down his taut biceps, his chiseled abs, the angular curves of his muscles… His body was like a work of art.

“Not really,” he murmured, looking out at the huge crowd of screaming spectators. “It’s just a meet, just like any other.”

The lie was obvious in his face, but Harper didn’t call him on it.

“Good,” she said warmly. “Nothing to be nervous about.”

He looked past her into the distance for a moment, a wistful look crossing his face.

“I just wish…” His voice trailed off, but Harper knew what he was thinking. He wished that Beth were there. Sweet, loving Beth, his little good luck charm, always there to support him in his time of need. But she wasn’t there now, was she?

Better get used to it, she warned him silently.

“Never mind,” he said, shaking it off. “It’s going to be fine. I’m going to be fine.”

“You’re going to be great” she corrected him-and suddenly, without fearing what he would do or think, threw her arms around him. Just a friendly hug, she told herself, pretending not to notice the warm touch of his bare skin against her body. For now. “Good luck,” she murmured.

“Thanks, Harper,” he whispered, clutching her tightly. “I’m glad you’re here.”

So was she.

Adam loved swimming. He loved the way his body sliced through the water, he loved the harsh, unforgiving rhythm of the strokes, and he loved the feel of his muscles working in concert, disconnected from his mind, from worries of speed or victory, just pushing and pushing, toward their limit. And, on good days, beyond.

But most of all, he loved the silence. When he dove off the edge and slipped beneath the water, the noise of the world dropped away. The screams and cheers of the crowd disappeared, and the universe narrowed to a single bluish tunnel of water. Nothing mattered except his body and his breathing, and forcing his limbs to cut through the water, surging ever ahead. He could shut out all the background noise of his life, shut off his mind, and just focus. Just be.

But today, with so much riding on this race-and with so many problems waiting for him back on dry land-he worried that the water wouldn’t work its familiar magic. As he stood poised at the edge of the pool, waiting for his moment, he couldn’t get the noise to stop, couldn’t find his focus. It wasn’t just the screaming crowd, or the yells of his teammates. It was the sound of Beth’s voice in his head, telling him she wouldn’t be there. Telling him she’d rather stay home, with Kane. Faces flashed through his head: an apologetic Beth, a smirking Kane, and then Harper, with such a look of calm and comfort that he almost believed her, for a moment, that everything would be okay. At the thought of Harper, the voices almost quieted, and the rapid pounding of Adam’s heart subsided-but only for a moment. Because thinking of Harper cheering for him on the sidelines reminded him of Beth’s absence. And that led him back to Kane. He couldn’t escape it, the sound of his own thoughts and fears. He couldn’t clear his mind, couldn’t concentrate, and then-

The sharp report of the starting gun.

A dive off the edge, the sharp pain of cold water slamming into him.

A new world, silent and awash in blue.

His mind shut down, his body took over-and Adam finally let go.

They’d had a marathon study day, cramming last-minute vocab and equations into their heads for hours on end until even Beth felt like her brain was about to melt.

“I’m totally burnt,” she finally said, throwing down her pen. “How about a break? We can pick up with this again in the morning.”

“You?” Kane asked with mock incredulity. “My faithful taskmaster is actually suggesting we stop early? How inconceivable!”

“Hey, I can be stupefying sometimes.”

They both burst into laughter at the ridiculously unnecessary use of SAT words.

“God, we have turned into complete SAT nerds, haven’t we?” Beth moaned through her laughter.

“Harvard, here I come.” He looked serious suddenly. “And it’s all thanks to you.”

“Oh, no, Kane,” she said, blushing. “I don’t even know why you wanted my help in the first place-you’re such a quick study. I barely had to do anything.”

“You did plenty,” he insisted. “And I still can’t believe you were willing to waste so much time on a screwup like me, not when you had so much else you needed to take care of.”

“It was my pleasure,” Beth assured him. “What would I have done without the company?”

They sat across the table from each other, silent for a moment. The air was charged with tension. Beth stared into his eyes, wanted to look away, but couldn’t. She didn’t know what she was doing or feeling-but she knew it was dangerous.

“Well, I don’t know about you,” she said finally, with a forced joviality intended to break the intensity of the moment. Her too-loud voice seemed to echo in the still room. “But I’m voraciously ravenous. You want to meet back here early tomorrow?”

Kane smiled. “Actually, I think I’ve got a better idea-meet me at the northeast corner of Dwyer Park in an hour? I’ve got a little surprise for you.”

“Tonight? Don’t you have a hot date or something?” She winced inwardly at the thought of him groping yet another bimbo-or worse, someone actually substantive, someone he could really fall for.

She stopped herself, suddenly-that wouldn’t be worse, that would be better. She wanted the best for Kane, she reminded herself. He should be with someone good, someone substantive-someone else.

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be tonight than with you,” he assured her. “Now, I know I’m only a poor stand-in for Adam-”

“Forget about Adam,” she said, a little more harshly than she’d intended. “You’re right. We’ve been working hard, and we deserve to celebrate-you and me.”

“Okay, then don’t forget,” he said, heading toward the door. “Dwyer Park, northeast corner, one hour. Can’t wait.”

Neither could she.

Adam raised his trophy over his head one more time, and the Haven High fans sent up a deafening cheer. He’d been grinning so hard, and for so long, that his face felt stretched out of shape, but he couldn’t stop. Third place in the four hundred-yard IM at regional championships-it was better than he’d ever expected to do. And if he was disappointed to have lost out on first place by only a few seconds-well, his beaming teammates and the adoring crowd had wiped such thoughts from his mind.

He turned to Harper, who’d been standing loyally by his side all day long. She’d been there to wish him luck before his races, and had greeted him with a howl of triumph every time he’d pulled himself out of the pool. After his big event, the four-hundred IM, he’d swept her, soaking wet, into a tight hug-relieved the race was over, relieved he had someone with whom to share his victory. Together, they’d watched the rest of the heats, cheered on his teammates, waited through the interminable award ceremony. And when Adam had stood to receive his two-foot-high trophy, Harper’s shouts of encouragement had risen above the noise of the crowd.

The meet had cleared his mind, worn him out. He had no energy, no will, to think about his problems, to worry-instead he just relaxed and enjoyed himself. And enjoyed Harper. It was so easy between the two of them. They’d been friends for so long that they didn’t have to try when they were together, they didn’t have to wonder or worry about what the other was thinking. They could just laugh and talk-just be together.

“Come on,” he urged her, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pulling her along. Now that the meet was over, the hosting high school was throwing a big, all-school pizza party-and he wanted to get there before all the pepperoni was gone.

Harper leaned against his shoulder and smiled up at him, and Adam marveled for a moment at the warmth and sincerity that filled her eyes. He knew there were a lot of people at Haven High who had their doubts about Harper-but if they only knew her like he knew her…

“Actually,” she hedged, giving him a mischievous grin, “I have a better idea.”

As she explained, Adam laughed and shook his head-leave it to Harper to find her Valley Glen equivalent and snag an invitation to the Pit, a secluded clearing in the nearby woods that was apparently the place to hang, if you were into that whole good music, warm beer, no adult supervision thing. (And who wasn’t?)

“She promises it’s better than it sounds,” Harper wheedled. “A bunch of them are headed over there now-”

“We don’t even know these people,” Adam said hesitantly. “And you don’t want to miss the bus.”

“It’s close by-we’ll be back with plenty of time to spare,” she promised, pressing closer to him. “No one will even notice we’re gone.”

Adam shrugged his shoulders and nodded. He supposed that he should stick around for the pizza thing, bond with his teammates-but suddenly, laughing it up with the guys, watching them stuff their faces with pizza and smash soda cans against their foreheads, didn’t have much appeal. Not compared to sneaking off somewhere mellow and secluded, somewhere with Harper.

Besides, at this point Adam would have agreed to pretty much anything. He felt strange-weirdly relaxed, loose. It took him a moment to place the unfamiliar sensation, but then he got it: He was happy.

Beth didn’t know what to expect when she walked up to the park-really a dusty brown square in the middle of town with a sprinkling of sallow, brittle grass that the town replanted, to no avail, every winter, only to see it all die off by the end of summer. There was a rickety band shell at the other end, which tonight was festooned with banners advertising: GRACE NOTES IN CONCERT! ONE NIGHT ONLY! She smiled and shook her head. This town got more ridiculous with every passing day.

When she found Kane, he waved and, with a flourish, pulled a daisy from behind his back.

“What’s this?” she asked, giggling.

“A flower for the lady,” he said. “Just the beginning-follow me, please.” He led her through the park toward a picnic blanket that was laid out with a cornucopia of delicious-looking food-heaping sandwiches, cheese, fresh-baked bread, chocolate-covered strawberries, and a bottle of red wine in the center. Kane sat down and gestured for her to do the same.

“You did all this?” she asked, eyes wide.

“I’m a man of many talents,” he said, pouring her a glass of wine. “I figured it was the least I could do to thank you.”

“It’s amazing,” she breathed. And it was: the food, the warm breeze, the starry sky. “This is just what I needed-how did you know?”

“Like you said, I’m a quick study. But that’s not all.” He looked at his watch. “The entertainment portion of our evening should be starting just… about… now-”

Suddenly a low base line began booming out of the speaker propped up a few feet behind them, and a moment later a four-part harmony broke into the familiar strains of “Blue Moon,” one of Beth’s favorite oldies.

She looked up at the band shell and, sure enough, four old men in silver vests and bowler hats-the Grace Notes, she assumed-were crooning away. In the darkness Beth could barely see any of the other picnickers, and it felt like they were singing just to her.

“Did you know about this?” she asked Kane.

“I saw the fliers earlier this week,” he admitted. “Thought it could be fun.”

“I wouldn’t think this was quite your speed,” she told him, laughing-she’d been laughing so much these past few weeks.

“Hey, we can leave if you want,” he offered, starting to get up.

“Leave? Are you crazy?” She grabbed his arm and pulled him back down again, taking a sip from the glass of wine. She almost never drank-but this was, after all, a special occasion. The wine trickled down her throat, warm, sweet, and delicious. “This is wonderful, Kane-thank you.” She leaned over and hugged him. For just a moment too long.

They sat side by side in the moonlight, enjoying the food and the wine, letting the music wash over them, laughing, talking-and then, as the night wore on, quiet. And close.

And when Beth’s cell phone rang, she didn’t answer it-didn’t even check to see if it might be Adam.

And when she shivered, and Kane slowly, tentatively put an arm around her and pulled her close to his warm body, she didn’t move away.