False Nine

29

Oddly, I hadn’t met many twins since leaving school, but I’d never met twins who looked as alike as these two did. Two peas in a pod just about covers it, provided you could find two peas that were also perfect specimens of pea. There’s something weird about some twins — but not these twins, who were both perfect physical specimens. My earlier, conceited confidence ebbed away more than just a little as the two men came downstairs and faced me silently, as if intent on convincing me that I might be seeing double.

In spite of all this it didn’t go unnoticed by me that Philippe Dumas was holding a large hunting knife in his hand. There was a line of sweat beads on his forehead and the muscles in his neck and arms looked about as tense as steel hawsers. And there was a meanness in his brown eyes I hadn’t seen before.

Suddenly I began to perceive the obvious difficulty in my situation. Apart from Grace Doughty, no one knew where I was. Barcelona had sent a jet to meet me at the airport, in Pointe-à-Pitre, but other than that they really hadn’t a clue as to my exact whereabouts. My email to Jacint had informed him only of the circumstances surrounding Jérôme’s disappearance — which bore no relation to the present facts. I hadn’t thought to give them an exact address for the simple reason I didn’t know what it was. For all they and PSG knew I could have been anywhere on the islands, which have a land area of more than sixteen hundred square kilometres, much of it jungle-covered hills.

It was only now that I remembered why the father of these twins was in jail. He was accused of murder. Maybe murder was not something brother Philippe was unfamiliar with. And I began to feel afraid, like I was back in the nick and facing down some racist bastard with a home-made shiv. As close to the sea as this there would be no problem getting rid of my body; they probably knew a boat they could borrow to take my corpse out beyond the island and dump me over the side. The local fish would eat me and I’d probably never be seen again.

But if there is one thing I’ve learned in football it’s never to show your fear, because it’s a mistake to think of it as just a game; football is about mental toughness, about saying and doing whatever you need to help your team win. I guessed that I was going to need a lot of that now.

‘What, are you going to kill me? Is that it? I should be easy enough to kill. Two of you, one of me. That’s one way of making this problem go away, I suppose. How about it, Jérôme? Are you ready to add a stabbing to your list of crimes and misdemeanours?’

‘You don’t speak to my brother like that,’ said Philippe, grabbing hold of my shirt collar with his empty hand. I took hold of his thick wrist and tried to twist my collar from his grasp but he was much stronger than I had supposed. ‘You don’t know him. You only think you do. He’s not a criminal. He’s a good man.’

‘I don’t doubt it, since you’re the man with the knife in his hand. But his career is over if you kill me. That much is certain.’

Jérôme looked at his brother carefully. ‘No one’s going to kill anyone,’ he said, which seemed to be as much for Philippe’s hearing as for mine. ‘All right? We’re cool here. So, put the knife down, Philippe.’

But Philippe’s grip merely tightened on my shirt collar and on the handle of his knife, which was one of those with a black blade and a serrated edge — the kind you expect Rambo to pick his teeth with. I expect there was a useful compass in the handle, just in case you got lost at the local supermarket. I started to look for the exits, wondering if I could make it to the bottom of the garden before the twin with the knife caught up with me and cut me a new smile.

‘I don’t think Grace will be too happy if she finds out that she’s become an accessory to a murder,’ I said. ‘How’s that going to affect her chances of running for political office? Not well, I’d have thought.’

‘Shut up,’ said Philippe. ‘Leave her out of this. You’ve done enough talking, Englishman.’

‘Oh, I agree,’ I said. ‘But consider this before I shut my mouth. Or before you do it for me. Barcelona and PSG know where I am. I sent them an email from Jumby Bay telling them I was at the house of Gui-Jean-Baptiste Target. Not to mention the limo driver who’ll be back here at five a.m. wondering where I’ve got to. I bet that even the Guadeloupe police could solve that crime. If I disappear, this address is the first place they’ll look. And it won’t just be your father who goes to jail, it will be the two of you. If you’re lucky they’ll give you twin beds in the same stinking cell. And in twelve months’ time the only balls you’ll be kicking are each other’s for being dumb enough to kill me.’

‘He’s right,’ Jérôme told his brother. ‘It’s not worth it. So put the knife down, eh?’

Philippe glanced at his brother and then pushed me away. There were tears in his eyes. ‘He shouldn’t speak to you like that, Jay. He has no idea what you’ve been through. Better for us both that we get rid of him. He’s going to spoil everything. For you, me, Dad, everyone.’

‘No, no. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’ll see, Philippe. Everything is going to be fine. We’ll sort this out, I promise. I’ll make him understand. All right?’

‘Better listen to your brother, Philippe. For once he’s talking complete sense. You’d be making a very big mistake to kill me and think you could get away with it. But there’s still a chance to salvage something from this mess if you both level with me now.’ I nodded. ‘That’s right. Tell the truth. The whole truth. And maybe we can fix this mess.’

Jérôme put his hand on Philippe’s arm, and then on the hand that was holding the knife. Finally he managed to take the blade away from his brother. He laid the long, black knife on the table next to the Mont Blanc. From where I was standing the pen didn’t look like it was mightier than the sword but there was no doubt that my prospects had improved, a little. I let out an unsteady breath as fear gave way to nervousness.

‘Shit, I need that drink,’ I said, and returned to the tray where this time I poured myself a large glass of twenty-one-year-old Elijah Craig bourbon with a shaking hand, and drained it in one noisy gulp.

I knew I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. And I figured my best chance of preserving my safety was to get hold of the knife before they changed their minds about cutting my throat. I poured another drink and walked to the table where the knife was now within my grasp. I sipped the bourbon, put the glass down, picked the knife up and examined it objectively, almost as if it had already been used to commit a crime and there was an evidence tag attached to it.

‘This would certainly get the job done, I suppose,’ I remarked coolly. ‘Saw a man stabbed in prison once. With a shank made from a toothbrush and piece of glass. I don’t think the guy who stabbed him expected him to die because the victim was stabbed in the thigh. But the femoral artery was cut right through and he bled to death before anyone could do anything about it. That’s the one thing they never get right in the movies. The blood. There’s a lot of blood when someone bleeds out. A whole gallon of the stuff makes a hell of a puddle.’

I looked at the twins, neither of whom seemed bothered that I was the one now holding the knife. I put it down, collected my drink and sat on the sofa.

‘I’m all ears, gentlemen.’

Which was hardly true; there was my chest to consider; my chest felt like I’d just played on the losing side in a cup final.

The twins looked at each other for a moment as if exchanging some telepathic remark — they did a lot of that, I was to observe — and then sat down opposite me. For a moment neither man said a thing but then Jérôme held his hand up in front of my face as if to indicate his true identity and started to speak, albeit with some difficulty.

‘I’ve never talked about this to anyone except my family,’ he said.

‘Don’t tell me,’ I said, wearily, ‘you’re the true king of France.’

‘Jay,’ said Philippe Dumas. ‘Why take a chance? He’s a prick. You can’t trust this guy to keep his mouth shut. And once it’s out in the open it’s out. There’s no going back with something like this.’

‘I have to tell him, Philippe. You heard what he said. If I level with him there’s still a chance for me.’

‘That’s right, Jérôme,’ I said. ‘A good chance, I’d say. You’re a top player. With everything going for you. But if I have to get on that plane by myself, it will be because of your bullshit. It will be over. I can promise you that. No football team will ever touch you again. I’ll make fucking sure of it.’

Jérôme nodded. ‘All right,’ he said. ‘I’ll tell you everything. The whole story.’

I sipped some bourbon and waited, patiently.

‘Have you ever heard of a footballer called Asa Hartford?’ said Jérôme after a long pause.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Of course.’

Almost everyone in English football has heard of Asa Hartford. Back in the early seventies he was a Scottish international who played for West Bromwich Albion. A good one, too. I think he even knew my dad. He also played for Scotland. Then — in 1971, was it? — Leeds United bought him in a high-profile transfer that fell through after it was discovered that Hartford had a hole in the heart.

‘He has a ventricular septal defect,’ said Jérôme. ‘That’s the proper medical term for the condition.’ He paused. ‘For my condition.’

I frowned as the implications of what he was telling me began to sink in.

‘Holy shit. You mean—’

‘There’s a tiny hole in the septum — in the middle wall — between the left and right ventricle in my heart. In a normal heart all of the blood that is pumped out from the left ventricle goes into the aorta. In people with VSD, when the heart beats, part of the blood in the left ventricle flows back into the right ventricle through the septum hole. So, the heart works harder as it has to pump not only the blood entering the heart normally from the rest of the body, but also an extra amount of blood flowing through the VSD.’

‘Jesus, I think I’m beginning to guess what’s been going on.’

‘No need. You’ve done enough guessing, Mr Manson. This is a condition that affects only me, not my brother, Philippe. We’re identical twins in almost every other regard. I discovered I had a hole in my heart at a clinic in Marseille about eight or nine years ago, just before I was going to start playing for AS Monaco. And it was pointed out to me that this might prevent them giving me a contract. So we hushed it up. My mum and my dad. Grace. Everyone. You understand, because of the chance that this gave my whole family we couldn’t afford to do anything else. My father arranged for my twin to come over from Guadeloupe and take the medical on my behalf. We did the same thing again in Paris when I went to join Paris Saint-Germain. Only that time I went back to Guadeloupe and for a while my brother took my place in Paris. To have a taste of the good life himself. He’s a good footballer, you see. Very good, actually. Just not as good as me. It’s not every pair of twins who are as good as the Da Silvas.

He plays for a part time local team called CSC. But because he normally wears a beard nobody notices that he looks like Jérôme Dumas. Besides, his name isn’t Dumas, it’s Richardson, Philippe Richardson. No one ever knew we were twins because how many twins live apart like we did? Me living with our mum in Marseille and Philippe living with our dad in Monserrat and then here in Guadeloupe.’

‘I can see that,’ I said. ‘But Asa Hartford had a successful career. The transfer at Leeds fell through, yes. But he went on to play for Manchester City, didn’t he? Nottingham Forest? Everton? And for big money, too. He was a great player. He even played for Ally’s Tartan Army in the 1978 World Cup. And he’s still alive. I think my dad still sees him from time to time. VSD is mostly asymptomatic. A lot of people go through life without even knowing that they have it. And certainly there are plenty of sportsmen who have it. Aren’t there?’

‘Perhaps that used to be the case, in Asa Hartford’s day,’ said Jérôme. ‘Frankly, it’s never once given me a problem. Not once. Not so much as a twinge. It’s a very common heart condition. It’s estimated that lots of kids are born with a VSD. But insurance companies have changed everything since football became a billion dollar business. Also, VSDs can cause strokes in some people — it’s the condition that nearly killed Fabrice Muamba — so its very hard to get insured to play when you have VSD. So you see my dilemma,’ said Jérôme. ‘I make a lot of money. And the way things are going I’m likely to make a lot more thanks to Paolo Gentile. There’s even talk of me becoming the black Beckham. But all of that ends if it becomes known that I have VSD. On the other hand, if Philippe goes to Barcelona in my place, then everything can proceed as normal.’

‘You mean if Philippe here flies back to Barcelona to take the club medical on your behalf? If he deceives the club into thinking he’s you? I can see why that’s attractive. The money. The cars. The women. Sure. It makes perfect sense.’

‘But you know it’s not just me who stands to benefit from all this money. Surely you can see that. I know you think I’m what the English call a champagne socialist, yes? But I really do believe in giving something back. To the people here in Guadeloupe. To my father. My brother. The local lycée. A new wing for the local hospital.’

‘All right, all right. You’re a saint. I get that. But what I don’t understand is that none of this would have been a problem if Philippe had just flown home from Antigua in your place like he was supposed to do. I wouldn’t be here now. You could have done all this and no one would have been any the wiser. What the fuck happened?’

‘You’re right. What happened was this. The night before I was due to fly back to London I left Jumby Bay to come here on a boat owned by a friend of my dad’s, DJ Jewel Movement. I got off the boat, Philippe and I swapped clothes and he got back on the boat and they sailed back to Antigua. But somehow DJ worked out that we’d switched and demanded money from Dad. He thought we were working some kind of confidence trick and he wanted a share of the profits.’

‘They were still arguing about it when I got off in Nelson’s Dockyard,’ said Philippe. ‘DJ was a crook. A violent crook. That knife on the table is his. I took it with me when I got off the boat. Because I was afraid for my dad.’

‘It’s just like I told you before,’ added Jérôme. ‘More or less.’

‘When I got to the airport I saw the newspaper and guessed what must have happened,’ said Philippe. ‘Or at least part of it. The newspaper didn’t say who was actually dead. My dad or DJ. So I got a ride back here to sit it out until I knew for sure. But I don’t know, the stress of that got to me, I guess. I got pneumonia and couldn’t travel. I’m only just over it, really.’

‘So we were stuck,’ said Jérôme. ‘I could hardly fly to Spain and take the medical myself. Not without risking everything. Then you turned up and we thought that you wouldn’t notice. That there wouldn’t be time for you to notice. We thought that you’d be so pleased to have found me that you wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong. Why would you notice? Even here on Guadeloupe nobody seems to have worked it out. And you wouldn’t have noticed, probably, if the plane hadn’t been delayed. By now the two of you should have been airborne and all of your suspicions allayed with a sleeping pill and an in-flight movie.’

‘Then what?’

‘Like you told me,’ said Jérôme. ‘I’d have asked the team for some compassionate leave and when Philippe came back here, I’d have taken his place.’

‘Very neat. I have to hand it to you, it’s a great scam.’

‘Like I said, I didn’t have a choice. I’m still a good player, Scott. I can still make it to the top of the game. You’ve seen me play. You know what I can do. You said yourself, I can go right to the top. And you know the Asa Hartford story. A high achiever. A Scotland international, like you said. So, you have to let Philippe go back in my place. Otherwise it’s not just me who suffers, it’s a lot of other people, too. This game we love — it’s the only real social mobility that exists in the world. It’s the only chance people like me from a small island like Guadeloupe have of moving up in the world. For some genuine wealth redistribution.’

‘That’s hardly fair,’ I said. ‘You’re putting this on me.’

‘What’s fair got to do with it? This is football, Mr Manson. And you do what you have to do in order to win. We’re part of an entertainment industry that’s now worth billions, thanks to the likes of Sky and BT. What’s the difference between me hiding the fact that I have VSD and a Hollywood studio concealing the fact that the romantic leading man in their latest movie is secretly gay? Answer me that.’

‘You could die. That’s the difference, surely.’

‘And if I’m willing to take that risk? Whose business is it except mine? If I’d rather die than give up football? Who should mind but me? And who better than a player like you to understand something like that? How do you like not playing football any more? Do you miss it? I’ll bet you do. But at least you had your chance. You had your chance. At least you played, and for as long as you could. Don’t take that away from me, Mr Manson. Please, I’m begging you. You take football away from me now, you’ll be taking away everything I’ve got and everything that I’m ever going to have.’

‘Don’t put this on me,’ I said again.

‘Who else should I put it on? The pilot of the jet? I’m not asking you to lie for me. I’m just asking you not to say anything to PSG or to FCB.’

‘To be economical with the truth. A lie by omission.’

‘If you want to put it like that, yes. But where’s the harm? Who’s injured by your silence? Surely that’s what really matters. Who gets hurt?’

‘You’re asking a hell of a lot, son. I told you before I owe a lot to Barcelona. More than you know.’

‘And I repeat the question: who is hurt? Look, just assume for a moment that I go to Camp Nou and score lots of goals. Which is a fair assumption given the number of goals I scored at Monaco. It never really clicked for me at PSG because they kept playing me on the wing, when I’m a natural nine. You can see that.’

‘A false nine,’ I remarked. ‘I can see that all right.’

‘Perhaps. But you said yourself, I’m still a top player. Assume that during the remainder of the season I score... let’s say ten goals. How is the club damaged? Or, assume I play in el clásico and score just one goal and that goal is an equaliser, or even the winning goal, perhaps. How is Barcelona damaged by my condition? Suppose they sell lots of shirts as a result. Suppose all that. How is PSG damaged by Barcelona profiting from my loan to them?’

‘Suppose I just tell Barcelona and let them decide.’

‘You know that won’t work. They’re a big company and they have big company rules. It’s not people like you and Luis Enrique who decide things at clubs as big as Barcelona. Not any more. It’s accountants and lawyers and management consultants and actuaries. Medical actuaries. I’ve looked into what might happen in considerable detail. Don’t think I haven’t agonised about this myself. I have. A medical actuary is a physician who puts a number on the risk incurred by a medical insurance company when a company like PSG or FCB employs someone like me. A doctor with a calculator and a set of tables who knows nothing at all about football but who makes a bet on whether or not his medical insurance company would have to pay out in the possible event of me keeling over in the middle of a game.’

‘I know what a medical actuary does, thanks.’

‘Right. Then you know how that works. No one likes to bet on a horse when they think there might be something wrong with it. That’s all I’m asking you to do. Make a bet on the man you see, not on the man you can’t see — the man with a hole in his heart. I’m a sure thing, Mr Manson. I can feel it. I’m no crock.’

I glanced at my wristwatch. There wasn’t long before the jet was supposed to take us to Spain. And it seemed I now had to decide the future of Jérôme Dumas, not to mention his whole fucking family and possibly — if Paulo Gentile was to be believed about the commercial possibilities for their futures, together — Bella Macchina, too. I could certainly have done without that responsibility.

‘I’ll think about what you’ve said. And let you know — well, as soon as I’ve arrived at a decision. In the morning, probably.’

I collected the bottle of Elijah Craig off the drinks tray. I don’t normally drink spirits; then again, I’m seldom put in fear of my life.

‘I’m going to change my clothes because I’m soaking wet, and then I’m going to finish this bottle.’