False Nine

31

‘So, let me get this straight,’ said Charles Rivel. ‘You found Jérôme Dumas, in the French Caribbean, on the lovely island of Guadeloupe—’

‘I can see you’ve never been there, Charles.’

‘You found him. But the loan agreement we made with Barcelona has fallen through. Why? I don’t understand. You brought the player back to France, didn’t you?’

‘Yes, he’s back at his apartment here in Paris.’

‘But surely you could just as easily have taken him to Barcelona. They paid for the plane, after all. So why isn’t he there now, in Spain? Why isn’t he at Camp Nou getting fit for the match against Real Madrid?’

‘Because I told them he’d had a nervous breakdown. And that he didn’t want to play in Spain any more. That, for the moment, he wanted to stay in France. But none of that is true. They know it isn’t. But they’re happy with the story I’ve given them for now. The fact is, I thought the fewer people who know the real reason why he’s not going to be playing there the better.’

‘Better for who?’

‘For you and for him.’

‘Forgive me, Scott, but shouldn’t all this have been our decision at PSG? We sent you to find a missing player, not scupper a good deal. It’s true there was no transfer fee but need I remind you that the Catalans were going to pay all of Jérôme Dumas’s wages? Which are not inconsiderable. Not to mention a loan fee of several million euros.’

We were meeting for breakfast in the restaurant at the Bristol Hotel in Paris, which is where PSG likes to do its business. The cheapest room at the Bristol is more than nine hundred euros a night, which makes business as comfortable as it gets. It’s where the club’s sport director, Leonardo, did the deal with Edinson Cavani, when he joined from Napoli in July 2013, for a fee of about forty-eight million quid, then a Ligue 1 record. And it’s where the club paid for David Beckham to stay when he was playing for PSG; in the Imperial Suite to be exact, which, at £14,500 a night, costs rather more than the cheapest room where I was now staying. But then it is easily large enough for a game of indoor five-a-side. Becks was worth that much in just his shirt sales. It was nice to be in a really good hotel again but most of all it felt good to be back in a country where they take food seriously. Especially the humble croissant. With butter and apricot jam and hot coffee it is the cornerstone of a civilised breakfast.

‘Believe me, Charles, I’ve done you a very big favour. An enormous favour, in fact. And I’m about to do you another. When I’ve told you what I’ve done you’ll want to upgrade me to the David Beckham suite and throw in a free football.’

‘So tell me. I’m listening.’

So I told him, everything — I even told him about the gun, and the murder in Sevran — and it was fun watching the Frenchman’s smooth jaw drop onto his silk Charvet tie.

‘Jesus Christ,’ he said.

‘Is he staying here, too? I’m surprised he can afford it.’

‘Are you serious? Dumas was using his twin to trick our doctors? And was planning to do the same at Camp Nou? I don’t believe it.’

‘I’m perfectly serious. It’s true. I guess the boy isn’t called Dumas for nothing.’

‘Beating Chelsea in the Champions League. Overtaking Olympique Lyonnais in Ligue 1. These would be good for PSG. These I understand. And I can see how all this is good for FCB. But how is any of what you’re telling me good for PSG? We’ll get to how it’s good for the player later.’

‘While it’s true that you won’t ever be able to sell Jérôme Dumas, you will have avoided any significant legal problems that might easily and expensively have resulted if Jérôme and his twin had managed to pull off this little scam. For example, you might have been held legally liable to FCB. As might have been your medical insurers if he was to suffer some sort of problem during a match. Like the lad at Tottenham who suffered a heart attack? Radwan Hamed? That just cost Spurs’ insurers the best part of seven million quid. Although I dare say they’ll pass that cost onto the club when the next premium comes to be paid.’

‘Yes, I see.’

‘Also, given the fact that the twins undoubtedly pulled the same trick when he came here from AS Monaco who, incidentally, had no idea of what was going on either, it means your contract with Jérôme is null and void. In other words, you don’t have to pay him any more. So, the player’s wages don’t even come into it. That’s how it’s good for PSG. Although I expect you will have to repay the loan fee to Barcelona.’

‘Could we recover our transfer fee from ASM?’

‘I doubt it. It was your doctors who, through no fault of their own, pronounced him fit to play. I’m afraid that’s why medicals take place under the auspices of the purchasing club, not the vendor. I’m not a lawyer but I should say that this is a simple case of caveat emptor. Let the buyer beware. Of course, they weren’t to know that Jérôme had a twin. And of course ASM will rightly argue that he conned them as well. So I don’t think there’s much mileage in it for you by trying to hold them legally accountable.’

‘I suppose we could sue Jérôme Dumas, couldn’t we?’

‘That would only make you and your doctors look like mugs. And nobody wants that. Legal action is best avoided here, I’d have thought. Besides, it’s not like he didn’t actually play for the club. And play well, on occasion. In the first round Champions League Cup tie you played against Barcelona in September he was man of the match, remember? In all respects but the medical he’s functioned perfectly well. And could easily continue to do so, but for the lawyers and the doctors and the medical lawyers.’

Rivel sipped his coffee and nodded as I continued speaking.

‘Sack him by all means, Charles. In fact, I recommend you do sack him. But it won’t play well in the press if the reason you’re getting rid of him and perhaps even contemplating legal action is because he has a hole in the heart. If you’ll pardon the expression, it makes you guys look heartless.’

‘That’s true.’ His eyes narrowed for a moment. ‘You are telling me everything, Scott, aren’t you?’

‘Yes. Everything. Which is a lot more than I told my friends at FCB. And I owe them in a way I don’t owe you. Which reminds me. I’ve decided to waive my bonus. The finder’s fee that your Qatari friend offered if I found the boy.’

‘Why? As I recall you are entitled to a reduced fee. A million euros. So why not take it? You’ve earned it. You’ve done what we asked.’

‘Because I’ve been well paid for what I’ve done. And because I don’t like to profit from someone else’s loss.’

‘Isn’t that the nature of capitalism?’

‘Perhaps. But there are some varieties of loss when capitalism must stand quietly in its technical area with its hands in its pockets, just watching the game. And this is one of those.’

‘I thought he was the lefty, not you.’

‘He is. I’m not. And after what the Labour Party said about the Premier League and its television deal I’m never voting for them again. I’m just trying to do what’s right here and, in my opinion, that’s something which has no politics. This now brings me to the reasons I think you ought to give to the press when you do sack him. And this is very important, Charles. Not just for you. But for Jérôme Dumas.’

‘And why should I give a shit about him, Scott? The bastard made a fool of us.’

‘He’ll never ever play football again at the highest level. On account of a serious medical condition he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life. That’s why. Very likely he will continue to live a perfectly normal, active life. But as we both know, medical actuaries deal in numbers, not in people. And to be fair to them there is always the possibility that all of this might become a much larger problem.’ I let that sink in for a moment and then added: ‘Besides, he’s just a kid. Like most kids he thinks he’ll live forever. Frankly, it’s the sort of thing any young player would do in order to keep playing. The sort of thing I’d have done myself, if I’d been in his boots. When people are desperate to escape grinding poverty, this is what they do. Think how that will play in a newspaper like Libération.’

‘When you put it like that...’ said Rivel.

‘Charles, if you saw what he’d come from — on the island of Guadeloupe, I mean. It’s a dump. But it’s a dump that’s full of beautiful people. Most of whom haven’t got much money and are starved of opportunities to better themselves. Honestly, if you knew where he’s been giving some of his money — local schools and hospitals — you’d realise that he deserves to have some kind of a future. Preferably in football.’

‘I thought you said he’d never play football again.’

‘No, I said he’d never play again at the highest level.’

‘Oh, you mean he can play in another league. Actually, Scott, I can’t honestly see how that’s going to work out either. Unless you allow the twins to practise the same deception on another club. Which can’t happen.’

‘You let me worry about that.’

‘For legal reasons PSG would certainly want an undertaking that the Dumas twins never pull this kind of stunt again.’

‘And you’ll certainly have that. I guarantee it. And they won’t be pulling any kind of stunts again. At least not of a medical kind. Look, all I need PSG to do is to sack him, like I said. I think you should sack him for misconduct. Specifically because of the political comments he’s made to the press which you regard to be incompatible with his employment at PSG. Specifically the interview he gave to Libération. Take him at his own word. He’s a communist who advocates Maoist revolution, isn’t he? How does that play with your team owners? The last thing they want in Qatar is a revolution. Of course, everyone will think there’s a lot more to it than that. And then maybe you can get your PR people to hint that he was involved with some bad boys in the banlieues. Which he was. Of course, in the long run, none of this will do Jérôme’s reputation any harm at all. Much better to be sacked for being a bad boy than for having a hole in the heart. In fact, I rather think the Maoism might even go down well with his new employers.’

‘What do you mean, his new employers? We haven’t even sacked him yet.’

‘But you will sack him. Because you have to. Because he can’t play for you any more. Like I said, your insurers won’t let him.’

‘For Christ’s sake, Scott. Why do I get the feeling I’m being bounced into something? And who are his new employers? It’s not London City, is it?’

‘No, it’s definitely not London City. In view of what’s happened you can be absolutely sure about that.’

‘Yes, I saw the news.’

‘No, it’s someone else, Charles. And I spoke to them an hour ago. Before I came down here to have breakfast with you.’

‘So, who?’

‘I’ll tell you. And I can safely say that provide you agree to everything I’ve told you just now, then I’ve solved all of your problems, Charles. And Jérôme’s. Not to mention one small problem of my own.’