Far From You

65

(NOW) JULY

“How are you feeling today?” David asks.

I bite my lip. “I’m okay.”

“We had a deal, remember?” David says. “It’s been six sessions. It’s time, Sophie.”

“Can’t we just talk about the woods instead?”

“The fact that you’d rather talk through being attacked again than talk about Mina is exactly why we need to start talking about her,” David says. “It’s okay to start small.”

“I’m…” I stop, because I don’t even know how to finish that sentence. “I haven’t been able to go out to her grave,” I say instead, because it’s the thing that’s been waking me up at night, in between nightmares of hiding in the forest again. “I thought I’d be able to. Go out there, I mean. I thought that after we caught who killed her—if we did—it’d be easier. Like a reward. I know that’s stupid. But it’s what I thought.”

David leans back in his chair, thoughtful.

“I don’t think that’s stupid,” he says. “Why do you think it’s so hard for you to go see Mina’s grave?”

“I just…I miss…” I struggle for strength, for composure, for any control, but I am safe here, and I have to say the words. They need to exist somewhere, because they were never said in the right place at the right time.

“We were in love. Me and Mina. We were in love.”

I lean back on the couch, hugging myself. I meet his eyes, and the approval I find there, the confirmation, makes the tightness in my chest ease.

“I guess that’s why it’s so hard,” I say.

AUGUST

When my dad comes out of the house, he finds me on the deck, curled up in one of the Adirondack chairs. The sun’s setting on my flower beds, and I turn my head toward him, slipping off my sunglasses.

Dad took a few weeks off after I was attacked. And even now, night after night, I hear the rhythmic thumping of the basketball against concrete as he shoots hoops in the driveway while the rest of the world sleeps. Sometimes I sit at the kitchen window and watch him.

Now he sits down in the chair next to me and clears his throat. “Sweetie, I need to tell you something.”

“What happened?” I sit up straighter, because his mouth’s a flat, unhappy line.

“I just got a call. The forensic team finally found Jackie’s body on Rob Hill’s property.” He rubs a hand across his jaw, his stubble almost completely silver now. He’s not sleeping much, and neither am I. Both of us look it.

“Oh,” I say. I don’t know what else to do. It’s weird, but finding Jackie’s body feels like a good thing, because I can’t help but think of Amy, of not knowing. Of not having a grave to visit.

“So that’s it, right?” I ask. “They’ll put him away for good?”

“It’ll be hard for a jury to overlook that kind of evidence.”

I pull my feet up onto the chair, hugging my knees, ignoring the way my bad leg twinges. Sometimes I need to do this, pull into myself, when I think about Coach. When I think about hiding behind that rock, waiting for him to find me. Kill me.

“Sweetie…” Dad begins, but then he doesn’t say anything else, just continues to watch me.

I wait.

“Is there…is there anything you want to talk about?” he asks finally.

I think about it for a second. Telling him. All of it. Me and Mina. Me and Trev. The tangle I found myself in, no way out but drugs, for so long. A part of me wants to. But a bigger part wants to keep it to myself, foster it inside me for a while longer.

“Not right now,” I say.

He nods, takes it as a dismissal, and when he moves to get up, I reach over and grab his hand. I push the words out of my mouth—I have to start somewhere.

“Dad, someday, I’ll tell you everything. All of it. I promise.”

He squeezes my hand, and when he smiles at me, the sadness in his eyes fades a little.

A few weeks later, I stand outside the cemetery gates alone as the funeral procession passes by. I watch from the gates as they bury Jackie, unable to venture inside. In the distance, I can see the group of mourners gathered around the grave. A girl breaks from the crowd at the end.

Amy doesn’t say anything. She walks to the bottom of the hill and faces me, close enough to the fence that I can see her clearly. She presses her hand against her heart and nods her head. A silent thank-you.

I nod back.

SEPTEMBER

“Please tell me your mom’s stopped freaking out about this,” Rachel says, dipping her fries into barbecue sauce. A few drops splatter on the practice test she’s grading.

“Neither of them is really happy about it,” I say. I’ve been shredding my napkin into little pieces, and they flutter across the table when Rachel turns the page. “I may have played the ‘I was attacked by psychos’ card to get them to agree.”

“It’s well earned,” Rachel says. “Twice in one year.”

I grin and lean over the table, trying to see what she’s writing. “How’d I do?”

She scribbles my score on the top of the paper, circling it with a big red heart. “Ninety-five. Congratulations—if this were the actual test, you’d be the proud owner of a GED.”

“Let’s hope I do as well on the real thing,” I say.

“Someone’s ready to get out of here.”

I shrug. “I’m just…I’m over school, you know? I want to move forward, or whatever. I like Portland. I like living with Macy. I’m just lucky she wants me to come back.”

“Well, I’ll miss you. But I think I get it. Plus, now I have an excuse to visit Portland. I am very fond of roses.”

“We can go to the Botanical Garden,” I promise. “And I’ll be back for the trials and stuff.”

I’m not looking forward to testifying, but I know I have to. They need to pay for what they did to Mina. To Jackie.

I rub my knee. When Matt came to see me a few weeks after it happened, I’d tried to apologize to him. He could barely look me in the eye, and we’d both ended up crying. I’d gotten him to wait, called Trev to drive him home, and Matt had gripped his sober chip and my hand like a lifeline until he arrived.

There’s this long road ahead. It’s never-ending, because you don’t get over losing someone. Not completely. Not when she was a part of you. Not when loving her broke you as much as it changed you.

I fear it, that long road, just as Matt must. For months, the urge to use has been buried beneath my need to find Mina’s killer. Now I need to be strong for myself.

“Change is good, right?” I ask Rachel.

“Right,” she agrees.

OCTOBER

Mom and I still don’t talk much—though we never have, so it’s not a big deal. Sometimes we sit together at the kitchen table, her working on legal briefs, me going through seed catalogs for plants suited to Portland’s weather. But it’s always quiet, the flip of pages, the scratch of her pen the only sounds.

One night she folds her hands over her briefcase and waits until I raise my eyes to meet hers, and I know, with more than a little dread, that she’s finally ready to talk.

“I should have stopped and listened to you when you told me you were clean.” It sounds like she’s rehearsed this in the mirror, like she’d written it down and crossed things out, painstakingly trying to get the words right, like it’s a speech instead of a confession.

I’m quiet for a long time. It’s hard to even think about what to say. Her words can’t change what she did; they can’t erase those months I spent trapped at Seaside, forced to figure out how to grieve on my own. But I can’t change that no matter how wrong it was. She did it only because she was trying to save me.

She will always try to save me.

That, more than anything else, is what makes me apologize.

“Look, I get it. I do. I lied and I kept everything from everyone and I just…I wasn’t very good, and I’m sorry—”

“Honey.” Mom’s face, always so composed, crumples, worry lines appearing out of nowhere. “You’ve been through so much.”

“That can’t be an excuse,” I say. “There can’t be any excuses. Every single therapist you’ve sent me to will tell you that. I’m an addict. I’ll always be an addict. Just like I’ll always be crippled. And you’ve never been okay with either. I am. It took me a long time, but I am. You need to be, too.”

“I’m okay with who you are, Sophie,” she says. “I promise. I love who you are. I love you no matter what.”

I want to believe her.

Mom reaches out and takes my hand, tilting it so the rings—Mina’s and mine—shine in the lamplight. She doesn’t touch them, seems to understand that she shouldn’t, and I’m grateful for that small gesture. For the strength of her fingers, smooth and comforting, wrapped around mine.

“When you were in Oregon, Mina would come by. I used to find her up in the tree house. Or she’d sneak into your bedroom to do homework. We’d talk sometimes. She was scared you wouldn’t forgive her for telling us about the drugs. I told her that she shouldn’t worry. That you were the type of girl who didn’t let anything stand in the way of loving someone. Especially her.”

I look up at her, surprised at the warmth in her eyes that’s almost encouragement. Mom smiles and brushes her cheek against mine. “It’s a good thing, Sophie,” she says softly. “Being able to love someone that much. It makes you brave.”

I squeeze her hand tightly and I choose to believe.

NOVEMBER

“You sure you want to do this?”

I stare down at the black notebook in my hands. When Trev brought her diary to me, turned up by the police during a second search of the house, I didn’t even want to touch it. I could barely stand to keep it in the house. So a week later we drove to the lake and built a fire on the beach, waiting for night to fall and delaying the inevitable.

“Do you want to read it?” I ask him.

He shakes his head.

My fingers stroke the smooth black cover, tracing the ridges of the binding, the edges of the pages. It’s like touching a part of her, the core, the heart and breath and blood of her in purple ink and cream-colored paper.

I could read it. Finally know her through all her layers and secrets.

Part of me wants that. To know. To be sure.

But more than anything, I want to keep my memory of her untainted, not polished by death nor shredded to pieces by words she meant only for herself. I want her to stay with me as she always was: strong and sure in everything but the one thing that mattered most, beautifully cruel and wonderfully sweet, too smart and inquisitive for her own good, and loving me like she didn’t want to believe it was a sin.

I drop the diary into the fire. The pages curl and blacken, her words disappearing into smoke.

The two of us stand quiet and close until the fire dies out. Our shoulders touch as the wind carries away the last of her secrets.

It’s Trev who finally breaks the silence. “Rachel told me you got your GED. That means you’re going back to Portland.”

“Yeah. Right after my birthday.”

“Know what you’re gonna do yet?”

“I don’t,” I say, and it’s wonderful, not to know anything without dreading the feeling. To not have a suspect list in my head. To not think about what’s next except for an open road and a little house with a yoga studio and a vegetable garden in the backyard. “College, I guess, eventually. But I think I’ll take a year off, get a job, figure some things out first.”

He smiles, all lopsided. His eyes go bright.

“What?” I ask.

“She would’ve loved you like this,” he says.

I don’t think it’ll ever be easy to think about it, about all the chances Mina and I missed, the beginning, middle, and end we never had. Maybe we would’ve fizzled out instantly, her fear getting the better of her. Maybe we would’ve finished with high school, with fights and tears and words that couldn’t be taken back. Maybe we would’ve lasted through college, only to end in quiet, strangled silence. Maybe we would’ve had forever.

“You could stay,” he says, looking down. “I could build you that greenhouse you always wanted.”

My smile trembles at the edges. “You know I love you, don’t you?” I ask him. “Because I do, Trev. I really do.”

“I know you do,” he says. “Just…not the way I want you to.”

“I’m sorry.”

And the thing is, I am. In another life, if I had been a different girl, if my heart had gone traditional instead of zinging off after the unexpected, I might have loved him like he wanted. But my heart isn’t simple or straightforward. It’s a complicated mess of wants and needs, boys and girls: soft, rough, and everything in between, an ever-­shifting precipice from which to fall. And as it beats, it’s still her name that thrums through me. Never his.

When I kiss him, a quiet meeting of lips that’s there and gone, it feels like good-bye.