Finding Willow

CHAPTER 1

“Oh, yeah. Right there.”

I squirm under her touch. Her tongue runs over my clit and a shock sails through my body. I’m on the brink of orgasm. Her soft fingers reach up and pinch my puckered nipple, and that’s all I need. “Mmmmmm, baby. So good. So good. Oh, your mouth is perfection on my cunt.”

My orgasm crashes over me in waves of pleasure. Her mouth continues working my wet pussy, licking up every drop of my release. Her green eyes look up from between my legs. God, she is gorgeous, I can’t help but think. What the fuck is her name again? Brooke? Paige? Shit, I think it’s Tammy? Oh, well. I’ll just go with a generic term of endearment. You can’t go wrong with that.

“You like my cunt, baby?”

Her moan vibrates against my nipple as her mouth trails up my body. “Fuck me, Star,” she whimpers against my skin, and that is all the encouragement I need. I reach for the strap-on lying unused on the bedroom nightstand, and I strap it between my legs. I slide down her body until my mouth is flush with her perfectly waxed pussy, and I lick up and down her folds before positioning the rubber cock at her entrance.

I run the tip of the dick up and down her lips, teasing her clit, before finally plunging deep into her.

“Oh God!” she gasps in between her throaty moans. “Right there! Yeah, baby! That’s the spot!”

The harder I fuck her, the more the strap-on rubs my aching clit, and the more my body is ready for release again as I take out my fucked-up life on the pussy of this twenty-one-year-old extra in my latest film. The more I think about her, the more I realize she’s me, seven years ago. Using sex with anyone and anything to get out of her own head for a couple hours. I can’t even hate her, because I am doing the same thing at the moment. But damn, she is a fucking fantastic distraction.

“You like that? You like it when I fuck you?” I whisper into her ear, and I feel her body start to shake under my touch. Her mouth opens and scream after scream exits as she gasps for air in between each shout. One last thrust into her, and my swollen nub sets me off. I collapse against her gorgeous set of tits, and I feel content for the first time all day.

I roll off of her, reaching for the robe beside the bed. Without making eye contact, whatever her name is slips back into the barely there black dress she had on when I picked her up after filming and struts out the door. She doesn’t look back. We both knew what we came here for, and we got it.

As my body still recovers from the aftershocks of the orgasm, I sprawl out across the lonely king size bed. Maybe one day someone will stay the night?

I’m at a loss in life. I look over at the nightstand next to my bed; it’s strewn in shit. Cell phone, condoms, lube, my journal, Hostess cupcake wrappers, a couple empty bottles of soda, and, of course, an empty Gray Goose bottle. I love vodka. If you drink enough of it, life goes away. The memories disappear. The pain subsides. That is, until the alcohol isn’t enough.

That’s typically when I start snorting coke. A line here and there never killed anyone. It takes away the pain that the vodka won’t. Yeah, I’m fucked up. My life has been fucked up, ever since the first time he touched me.

That first time, I was eight, and afraid. My parents left for a night full of partying, sticking my best friend, Seven, and me with her older brother, Blue. It wasn’t anything we weren’t used to growing up. In fact, our parents were rarely around at all, so we just grew used to it.

Seven had fallen asleep, leaving me with the twenty-one-year-old man. Looking back, who would leave a man that age watching two little girls? Big brother or not, it wasn’t right. My story proves that.

We watched some Disney movie, sitting side-by-side on the couch together. I didn’t notice the bulge in his pants, but then again what fucking eight-year-old little girl would even look at a man’s crotch? I wasn’t naïve. I knew what sex was. Only because our parents were so whoreish about it, though. Kind of like I am today. I could have lived an entire lifetime blocking out all those memories. Which I did for almost a fucking decade. Until I decided therapy would be smart. Hypno-fucking-therapy. I’m just glad I don’t remember shit else.

“Star, I want to show you something,” Blue said as he reached into his pants.

“What is it?” I asked innocently. My attention drifted between his movements and The Little Mermaid. I really liked Ariel; her bright red hair made her so unique. I was blonde, like a lot of people. I wasn’t unique. I didn’t stand out.

“Look, Star.”

His words were gentle, soft almost. Blue had never been this nice to me or to Seven. That was when I noticed. He didn’t have any pants on. They were gone.

His… his… oh my! His boy parts were in his hand.

“Look, honey,” he cooed at me. “Why don’t you touch it? Don’t be afraid, Star.”

That’s how it all began. Acceptance. Love. A misplaced need to be cherished by another person. I didn’t know until years later that what he was doing was horrible. It was bad. It was something no one should ever do to a child. Fucking ever. But it happened to me, and it tainted me for life. I was a carefree little girl until Blue ruined me, and still continues to ruin me to this day.

Maybe I’m just as fucked up as everyone says I am, because I let him in my life. And when he calls, I willingly fuck him with everything I have.

I don’t think I will ever know why, but I do know that what he did to me is exactly why I chose to make a career out of fucking.

“Are you even listening to me, Star?”

My manager rambles off something about a new film that Lovestruck Entertainment wants me for. I scroll through my phone, typing out a text to Paisley, my baby sister.

Sup Kiddo

I miss my sisters. Over the years, we’ve all drifted too far apart. Paisley lives in Florida, and Journey still lives in Woodstock under the thumb of our parents. She’ll probably never leave.

I continue to ignore my manager, Katy, as she drones on about the new porno.

“Star, you aren’t listening to a damn thing I’m saying!”

Okay, so now she’s pissed and has my attention. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think she was hot when she gets pissed off. Her bright blue eyes and pouty lips pull me in, even while she’s yelling at me. Today she looks like your run of the mill school girl. Short black skirt, white button down shirt, hell, she would be perfect with pigtails. Instead, her red locks sit on top of her head in a messy bun with a pencil sticking out of it.

“Sign me up.”

I wave her away and she pushes down her black cat-eyed glasses and I continue texting. Paisley replies with an extravagant story about some sexy biker she hooked up with for Biketoberfest in Daytona. I wish she would’ve just gone to college like Seven. She could have taken over the world with her impressive intelligence, instead of slipping into the same nomad lifestyle we were raised in. The sad part is, none of us will ever be able to give it up completely. As much as I despise it, it’s all I’ll ever know.

“What is going on with you, Star?”

I’m strung out; that’s what’s wrong. Coke isn’t cutting it anymore, and as much as I want to turn to harder shit, I just can’t.

“You need to go to rehab again, Star, don’t you?”

This is typically what it comes down to. It sounds like a good idea. Maybe I could actually keep my shit together this time around. Doubtful, though. What bothers me the most is the fact that Seven will be disappointed in me. Everyone else’s opinions can suck a fat dick.

“Yeah, Katy. I think I need to give it the good ol’ college try again. Maybe I can get it right this time?”

I push a strand of hot pink hair out of my eyes and stand up from the chair. My jeans used to cling tightly to my ass, but now, the curve of my butt is disappearing. The blue My Little Ponies shirt clings to my D cup breasts, something I’m glad the drugs haven’t started to take from me.

“Don’t forget you’re filming this weekend,” she reminds me. Glory Hole Queens, starring yours truly. The joys of my job.

My phone beeps and I expect it to be Paisley. Instead it’s Evan. My ex. The ex who walked out on me because I made out with my best friend in front of him. I thought guys were supposed to like that shit? Instead, he flipped in a jealous rage. For once in my life, I’d finally thought I found someone to love me, but he only loved me when we were fucking like rabbits. Everything else was just added baggage that he didn’t want to deal with.

I shouldn’t have fooled myself into thinking anything with an investment banker would work out. You can’t turn a whore into a housewife, right?

Want to get together tonight?

I really should say no, but I don’t want to. Maybe we can fix the mess of a relationship we had? I’m a glutton for punishment because I know how this will end. But I text him back anyway.

Sure, meet me at Seven’s at 8. I’m staying at her penthouse while she is away on business.

If he says no because of the Seven factor, I am done with him. There is no way I’m cleaning my own penthouse tonight so I can entertain him.

My mind drifts back to Seven. I haven’t heard from her all day. I know I’ve been trying to avoid her since the whole Evan breakup thing, but she’s never this quiet. A series of disasters flies through my overactive imagination. I picture her dead somewhere in London. Her plane crashing over the Atlantic. Her private driver killing her in a fiery car crash. Fuck! Make it all stop!

The phone vibrates again, and I pull up Evan’s reply.

See you at 8.

“Hello, Star.”

I damn near jump out of my skin as I turn to match the face to the voice. A voice I don’t want to hear. A voice I certainly don’t expect to hear in the lobby of Seven’s building.

I find myself face-to-face with Blue. His dark eyes are encircled with pain. He’s aged horribly, and his dreadlocks are gone, replaced by a shaved head. The tattoo on his neck is visible, a shooting star with the quote, “forget what hurt you in the past.” Hysterical, considering our history.

I try to hide my shock, as well as the fact that I’m frightened of him.

“I wasn’t expecting you, Blue.” It’s true. He has some serious balls showing up in his sister’s building. She would flip her shit, and that is putting it lightly.

“I wanted to see you. I know Seven’s out of town.” The corner of his lip turns up in a grin. I can see the age lines all over his face, surrounding his mouth and eyes. He looks far older than he truly is. He looks rough. His lifestyle is catching up with him, just like mine is.

How the fuck does he always find this shit out? He always corners me at the worst time imaginable, when Seven is long gone. It’s like he keeps dibs on her so he can get to me without any obstacles. It’s been like this forever.

“I have company meeting me shortly, Blue. Sorry.”

I walk to the elevator and press the up button and wait. It seems like the elevator is taking an exceptionally long time to come. I think it’s just because I know he is standing behind me.

“That’s fine. I’ll join you.” He’s baiting me.

I turn, and he catches my chin in his hand. A shiver creeps through my body and I want to vomit. Is it his touch, or is it the fact that my body is slowly starting to go through withdrawal?

“I’m sorry, Blue, but that is not an option. Have a nice night.”

The elevator door opens, and I step inside. Just as the doors begin to close, Blue jumps into the elevator car with me. Fuck!

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I barely choke out the words. My anxiety level is through the roof. I’m trapped, and he is a mere two feet away from me. I want to scream, but even if I did, no one could hear me. Not that anyone would help me anyway. No one has ever rescued me from the arms of this fucking monster. Not as a child, and not now as an adult.

“I’ve missed you so much, princess.” He takes a step closer to me. I move back, pressing up against the mirrored wall of the elevator. “I made this trip especially to see you. You don’t want to disappoint me, right?”

My usual internal battle begins. I hate him. I love him. I want to slit his throat with the heel of my fucking stiletto. I want to fuck him like he’s the last man on earth. I am just as fucked up as he is deep down, which is why this disgusting charade has continued for all these years. I deserve everything he’ll give me tonight. Which I know will include a number of cum shots.

The elevator comes to a stop, and I push my body off the wall with all the force I still have left in my meek body. Yup, this is definitely my body screaming for a line of blow. The elevator opens into the empty foyer of Seven’s apartment. I’m not used to her house being so quiet. Even though she offered to let me stay at her penthouse for the duration of her business trip, tonight is the first evening I have. I just can’t come here when she isn’t here, because I miss her.

Rarely have we spent time apart throughout our lives, and it never gets easier.

“Who are you expectin’, princess?”

I remember Blue is behind me. I wish he would just fucking leave.

“Evan, my ex-boyfriend.” I don’t give any details. I don’t want him to know anything more about my life than he already does. He has a knack for using it against me.

“Oh, this should be fun.” I know want he means. I dump my purse out onto the kitchen island searching for the last bit of coke I have. Makeup, jewelry, condoms, cell phone, gum, ah, there it is!

I pick up the tiny silver angel off the counter, and unscrew the top of the hollow charm. I tap the wings against the black stone countertop and the white powder pours out. In the distance, I hear Blue walking around the apartment, probably taking in his sister’s success. She would never willingly let him into her penthouse.

Seven hates everything about Blue, and has since I can remember. He was downright nasty to us as kids, and the icing on the cake was the time she walked in on us fucking in the back of the old dilapidated bus we lived in.

I let out a strangled moan as Blue pressed his thick erection into my tight cunt. It was only the second time he’d fucked me. The first time he’d forced himself on me, and I’d hated it. It ruined me, but I loved the feeling. I pushed back to meet his dick. He let out a growl and slapped me straight across my ass.

“You like that, Star? You like my big dick, princess?”

He slowly pulled out, and slammed back into me with so much force that my arms gave out and my face fell right into the pile of pillows in front of me on the makeshift bed. His pace quickened, and I felt his dick so deep inside me I could barely breathe. My pussy clenched down on his cock and I felt the first ripple of a real orgasm flow through my body.

“You like that, Star?” he grunted as he fucked me harder. My moans picked up, enjoying every desperate thrust.

“Oh Blue, fuck me!” I yelled, as I bucked my ass back to meet his thrusts one last time as my release crashed over my body. Sweat beaded on my brow and between my breasts. My arms turned to liquid and my body started to collapse against the bed.

That was when I heard her. I heard Seven.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” She barely choked the words out. My body tensed under Blue, but he didn’t stop. He continued to fuck me, thrusting into me over and over again, but now his urgent tempo slowed into lazy thrusts.

I turned in the direction of Seven’s voice, my short blonde hair sticking to my face with sweat, and I gasped in shock when my eyes found her face.

“Oh my god, Seven!” I yelled, struggling to pull away from Blue and scrambling to find my clothes, somewhere on the rusting floor of the piece of shit bus.

Blue leaned back on his haunches, stroking his dick while he watched me flee, and Seven just stood across the room in a pissed off daze. Her face was blank, a tear pooling in the made up corner of her left eye. She used everything in her to try and fucking keep it together.

It hurt. I had done this to her. I’d betrayed her. I’d hurt the only person in my life I had.

“God, put it away. You are fucking disgusting,” Seven yelled at him, as she turned and stomped off the bus. I haphazardly slid my leg through my jeans, trying to get dressed as fast as I could so I could chase after my best friend.

“Let her go, princess. Come here, you got something to finish.” He continued stroking his dick with a smile on his face. I knew what he wanted, and I also knew that, if I played my cards right, I could get him off quick and go chase after Seven.

Fuck him. I push the cocaine around on the counter, and search for my trusty dollar bill that I always keep neatly tucked away in the inside pocket of my purse.

My red manicured fingernail meets the side of my nose, and I lean in for my line. I quickly snort the small amount before wiping the remaining bit up with my finger and running it across my gums.

The elevator doors open and Evan stands in the foyer. I kind of kick myself in the ass for giving him the code to get up here, but I’m just that fucking lazy.

“Star?” I hear him call out as he takes a few steps into the penthouse. The footsteps stop, and I turn just in time to see Blue extend his hand in greeting.

“Blue James, nice to meet you.” He is so fucking calm, and I hate him for that. This is it. For the millionth time, I tell myself tonight is the last night I will let Blue have his way with me. I’m going to reclaim my freedom. The freedom I had before Blue James took everything from me.

“Uh, Star? What is this all about?”

Evan doesn’t want to be here right now. That’s clear. God, he is gorgeous, though. The top button of his white dress shirt is undone. His short blonde hair is messy, like when I used to run my fingers through it for hours on end. His dark chocolate eyes are nervous, and all I want to do is throw myself at him. I know there will never be anything more than sex with him. I know a Fortune 500 investment banker will never settle down and play house with a porn star. It’s a fact of life. We come from two very different backgrounds, and I was dumb enough to think it could work at one point in time.

Then I remembered Seven and Daniel.

“Blue’s joining us tonight. You up for it?”

I run my tongue against my lower lip, and wait for him to reply. If I could read people as well as my best friend, I’d say he goes through a number of scenarios in his mind in that very short period of time.

“As long as he doesn’t touch me.” He shrugs in agreement, and we move down the hallway to Seven’s playroom.

I’m shocked by Evan’s revelation. I never would have expected him to agree to something like this. Maybe I was hoping he’d leave, and try to take me with him. Save me from Blue. Be my white knight. Ha. Wishful thinking, that is for fucking sure.

The reality becomes clear. He’s not here for me. He’s not here for a future. He’s here to get his rocks off, and go along on his way into the night.

Used again.

“What the fuck kind of room is this?” Blue asks as he takes in the sprawling guest bedroom, which has doubled as a fuck pad for years. Mistress Marilyn, also known as Seven James, is a love ’em and leave ’em kind of girl. A Dominatrix wielding any kind of sex toy you could imagine with a closest full of goodies to boot.

“The kind of room used just for sex. We fuckin’ or what?”

The night I had planned with Evan was supposed to be fun, sexy. This? I just want it to be over.

I shimmy out of the red halter dress and black heels, revealing nothing but my birthday suit. I’m not a fan of panties, and since I had my tits done a couple years back, a bra is unnecessary. They stand at attention all on their own. I don’t care that the D cups look fake. My hot pink hair and my My Little Pony body art is all fake, too, so I guess it goes with my overall fake everything. Completely manufactured look. If only my soul could be altered and fixed as well.

“Strip down, boys. Who wants what hole?”

If I had a dime for the amount of times I’ve said that, I’d be rich. Oh wait. I am rich, and it all came from fucking phrases like that. Figures.

“I want that pussy, princess,” Blue claims as usual. His ice blue eyes cut to Evan, who’s uncomfortably unzipping his black dress slacks.

He looks at me, and then back at Blue. I’ll take her mouth,” he says, virtually ignoring me.

I climb onto the bed, and lie right in the center. My head rests on one of those fancy memory foam pillows, and I close my eyes and wait. When I finally open them again, Evan’s standing next to the bed with nothing on from the waist down, his white dress shirt hanging open. He’s fucking sexy. So fucking sexy. I want him, and only him.

I feel Blue nudge at my opening and plow into my cunt without an ounce of grace. This is how it’s always been. Never gentle, always rough with possession. Instinctively, I’m wet. I don’t want to be. I don’t want my body to react to him, but it does. Any male touch gets my juices flowing. It certainly comes in handy for work. But that’s about it.

“Oh, fuck I missed this,” he says between grunts.

I turn and focus my eyes on Evan. He climbs onto the bed and kneels next to my head. Just like that, he guides his cock into my mouth. As I slowly start to deep throat Evan’s impressive cock, I ignore Blue altogether. I moan around Evan’s erection as I bob my mouth up and down his length, palming his balls, and working his cock to climax.

Blue pushes deeper, and with each thrust, he meets my g-spot. As much as I don’t want to like it, the sensation is fucking heaven. I let go of Evan’s cock and focus on my own pleasure. Blue slams into me repeatedly, and with each thrust, my screams get louder.

The door flies open, slamming against the wall, and my attention is pulled from the momentary pleasure to a fucking pissed off Seven standing in the doorway with Levi only a few feet behind her. Her dark brown hair is in a messy bun on top of her head. She has a hoodie pulled over her tits, and her black sweatpants hang low on her hips. Even like this, she is a work of perfection.

“What the fuck, Star?” she yells at me, and I can’t do anything but stare.

Evan and Blue both turn their heads in her direction. Evan scrambles for his pants, and Blue continues fucking me like we don’t have an audience that includes his baby sister.

“I’m sorry, Seven. I didn’t know you were back yet.” I don’t know what else to say. Fuck. That sounded horrible. Yeah, it’s okay that I’m fucking your estranged brother in your playroom, because I thought you were still in London playing powerhouse CEO. Could I be any fucking dumber?

I push Blue off of me and scramble to get away. He falls back on the bed and just lies there, completely fucking naked for his sister to see, with no fucking qualms about what he was just doing in her penthouse. I feel sick. I want to be sick. I need to throw up. I am going to throw up. I have to get out of here.

My body breaks out into a cold sweat, and I am cold and clammy all over as I desperately try to slip back into my dress. I’m failing miserably because I am far too fucked up to do anything but fuck or pass out.

“All of you… get the fuck out of my home. You are not welcome here,” Seven yells, and then looks me in the eye while pointing her finger at me.

“And you! I am done with you. All these years later and you do this? Again! You are dead to me! Do you fucking hear me? Dead!”

Yeah, I am definitely going to be sick. I fucked up far worse than I ever have before and there is no coming back from this. This is the end of Seven and Star and the twenty eight years we’ve shared.

I grab my black coat off the chair, pick my stilettos up in my hand, and stagger for the elevator. I don’t know where I’m going to go, or what I’m going to do, but I need to get away from everyone tonight.

I slowly walk past the kitchen as my nose runs from a mixture of my tears and the drugs from earlier in the night. I hate this feeling. I hate fucking feeling, period. I turn and try to walk to Seven, but Levi stops me. He stands in between us as Seven clutches the counter. I try and push past him, but he continues block my path. It pisses me off.

“Who do you think you are?” I yell at him. I try and push past him again, but just like every other man in my life, he is way fucking stronger than I am. I want to hurt him. I want to hurt them both.

“She’ll walk away from you just like she walks away from everyone else in her life. She’ll leave you with nothing. Broken and alone. That is what Seven James does. She doesn’t love. She destroys.”

I suddenly feel exposed. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and now that I’m losing Seven again, to whomever this uptight fucker in a business suit is, I am bitter.

He starts laughing. Laughing at me. I meet his eyes again, just as he begins to speak.

“Well, I guess if she walks away from me, I will be bitter and heartbroken. But one thing I won’t do is betray her like you have.”

Ouch. That hurt. I don’t think as my body reacts on autopilot and I slap him as hard as I can. The echo of my bare palm meeting his face echoes through the kitchen, and Seven’s head snaps in my direction. If she could move, I have no doubt she would be pounding my face in with her fist.

“Get the fuck out of my house!” she bellows as her feet give out from under her. I want to run to her, to pick her up and hold her. But that’s no longer my job. It’s his.

I make my way to the elevator door and punch the button for the lobby.

As soon as the door closes, I fall to my knees and cry. Not your Hollywood sob, either. This is a full on ugly cry. I cry so hard that my body starts heaving for air, and I gag and vomit all over the floor just as the doors open into the lobby.