First to Die

Chapter66

I DROVE HOME IN A DAZE.XDne moment I was battling to unravel this damned case, and the next I was fighting for my life. I wanted a name. I wanted it now more than ever. And I wanted my life back. I wanted a shot at the whole deal -happiness, success, someone to share it with, a child. And now that I had met Raleigh, I knew there was a chance that I could have these things. If I could hold out. If I could will good cells into my body. I went into my apartment. Sweet Martha was all over me, so I took her for a short walk. But then I moped around, alternating between resolve to fight through this mess and sadness that I couldn't. I even contemplated making a meal. I thought it would calm me. I took out an onion and cut two desultory slices. Then I realized how crazy it all was. I needed to talk to someone. I wanted to shout, I don't fucking deserve this, and this time I wanted someone to hear it. I thought of Chris, his comforting arms around me. His eyes, his smile. I wished I could tell him. He would come in an instant. I could rest my head on his shoulder. I called Claire. She could tell from my first tremulous sound. She realized something was terribly wrong. "I'm scared," was all I said. We talked for an hour on the phone. I talked. I went back and forth with Claire in a numbed state- panicked by the impending nearness of Negli's next stage. I told Claire that nailing this bastard gave me the will to fight on. It separated me from being just another person who was sick. I had a special purpose. "Has that changed for you, Lindsay?" she asked softly. "No, I want to get him more than ever." "Then that's what we're going to do. You, me, little Cindy. We're here to help you fight. We're your support, Lindsay. Just this one time, don't try to do it yourself." In an hour, she had calmed me enough so we could say goodnight. I curled up on the couch. Martha and I snuggled under a blanket and watched the movie Dave. One of my favorites. When Sigourney Weaver visits Kevin Kline in his new campaign office at the end, it always makes me cry. I fell asleep, hoping for a happy ending in my own life.