Gameboard of the Gods

CHAPTER 28 HER DRUG

For a moment, Mae couldn’t breathe. She stared at her mother, waiting for something else, some explanation or—preferably—the revelation that this was all a joke. But Mae should’ve known better. Her mother wasn’t the joking type.

“You…you can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’m perfectly serious.” Her mother strolled with complete ease into the room, settling down on the plush, satin-covered bed as though she were at tea. “Dr. March’s observations were very astute. Did you really think you were the result of some freak chance? After your siblings?”

“They aren’t that bad. They’re your own kids!” Mae frantically tried to remember how much of the case she and Justin had inadvertently discussed just now. Tessa had been hearing pieces of it for weeks, but it wasn’t her discretion Mae was worried about.

“Yes, Maj. They are. And I love them, just as I love you. I loved you enough to give you your best fighting chance in the world.”

Mae swallowed, still unable to believe this conversation was taking place. “What you’re saying…you broke the law. It’s illegal. It’s unethical.”

Her mother shrugged. “Is it unethical to want healthy children? The government’s too paranoid. What harm was done? You’re here, you’re healthy. Mephistopheles wasn’t unleashed on the world again.”

“I can’t believe Dad would’ve agreed to it.”

“He didn’t need to. You were all in vitro. It was as simple as giving the lab what they needed and letting them do their business. It was what we did at other places for your brother and sister. Your father had no reason to think any more than normal fertilization was going on. I got pregnant, and we got you.” She made it sound so nauseatingly easy.

Justin crossed his arms and leaned against a wall, thoughts churning behind his dark eyes. “He must’ve suspected something later when he saw this perfect face and athletic skills that’d be mind-blowing in a plebeian, let alone a cas—patrician.”

Her mother didn’t deny it. “What was he going to do? Return her?”

Mae felt dizzy and rested a hand on the dresser, steadying herself. That her father had had no part in this was the only piece of sanity in this increasingly unbelievable tale.

“You know the name of whoever did the work?” asked Justin.

“I don’t remember.” Mae’s mother waved a dismissive hand. “I’m sure I could find it in our records somewhere, though they’re not in business anymore.”

“I’m sure they aren’t,” said Justin. “And I’m sure whatever name you’ve got will be untraceable anyway.”

“You should’ve told me this,” said Mae. It was all she could manage.

Her mother actually seemed to find that funny, though there was venom in her voice. “Why? Would that have changed anything? Would you have stayed behind and done your duty? Married respectfully and helped us recoup our losses instead of sleeping around with plebeians?”

There was a lot of Astrid’s response that was out of line, but one word caught Mae’s attention. “Recoup…that’s not why you ran out of money, is it?”

“I took out a number of loans to pay for you,” her mother said, confirming it. “Loans that came due around the time of your disastrous debut. It cost a lot to make that ‘perfect face.’”

“Did you pay in blood too?” asked Justin.

Mae’s mother seemed to have momentarily forgotten he was here. Her defensiveness and contempt faltered at his words, and astonishment crossed her harsh features. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the cult you signed on with to create Mae, the one that requires human sacrifice.” Justin watched her so, so carefully, on guard for any twitch. Mae’s mother, however, looked floored. It wasn’t something Mae saw very often.

“That is…” Her voice trailed off as though she needed to replay Justin’s words in her mind and make sure she had them right. “That is absurd.” A few moments later, her bafflement turned to outrage. “Is that supposed to be some kind of sick joke?”

“Where did you get”—Justin walked over to the jewelry box and held up the necklace—“this?”

Her mother squinted as the pendant caught the light. “How should I know? It’s Maj’s. Ask her.”

Mae didn’t want to play into Justin’s madness but couldn’t help elaborating. “It’s nothing I ever picked out. It’s just been around.”

“Then it was probably part of your grandmother’s collection.” Frowning, her mother glanced back and forth between their faces. “What’s this about?”

“Nothing,” said Justin, snapping a picture of the necklace with his ego.

Mae had no doubt it’d be sent off to the other land grants’ law enforcement offices in an attempt to find a match among the various victims’ possessions. They wouldn’t find one, though. Mae was certain of it. I have no connection to the rest. Leo said so. Of course, maybe she shouldn’t have put that much stock in Leo, seeing as he had yet to explain the shadowy figure in the video. Justin wasn’t coming out and saying it, but she knew he no longer believed the video had been manipulated.

“It’s late. We need to go,” said Mae. Justin’s head swiveled toward her.

“But we—”

“You’re not going to find out anything else useful,” she told him. “Because this—as ludicrous as it all is—has nothing to do with our work.”

He opened his mouth to protest again, and she shot him a hard look that finally made him back down. Tessa looked all too relieved, and Mae’s mother had recovered herself enough to act as though it were all no big deal. Mae hesitated by her before walking out the front door after Justin and Tessa.

“Why tell me all this now?” Mae asked.

“Because your ‘friend’ caught me off guard. That, and it’s all in the past. Nothing to be done for it now, and there’s no hard proof of my guilt if you were going to turn me in.” She crooked Mae a smile that held no warmth. “And I don’t believe even you would sell your own family out.”

It was ironic she’d mention that, since Mae, before going up to her old bedroom, had had a heated argument with Claudia about the baby they’d smuggled away. Mae had demanded to know if Claudia knew her child had ended up with the savages in Arcadia. Claudia had been aghast—but not because of the girl’s fate.

“What are you thinking looking into this? Do you think you’re actually going to find her and bring her back?” Claudia had exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” Mae had admitted. “I’m just looking.”

“You’ll ruin my marriage if this gets out! Not to mention get me arrested. Are you really cold enough to do that, Mae?”

Mae hadn’t had an answer. The little girl seemed too far away, too impossible to ever find. With no proof of her existence, there was no proof of a crime.

The car ride back to the hotel was full of tension. Justin was too smart to say anything more in front of Tessa. And Tessa was too smart to push on something she knew she probably shouldn’t have heard in the first place. She was also tactful enough to ask if she could go for a walk when they got back to their hotel. No doubt she assumed Mae needed some quiet time.

“Stay around this block,” Justin told her. “It’s getting late.” It was still well lit and full of people out for the evening’s entertainments, especially since the rain had held off. Across the street from their hotel, a band was having an outdoor concert in a small park. Tessa assured him she’d stay safe, and once she was gone, Justin beckoned Mae upstairs. “Let’s talk.”

Mae trudged along beside him. “I don’t want to talk.”

“Yes, you do.”

She followed him up to his room. He immediately turned toward the minibar, then caught himself and took a seat on the bed instead. He patted the spot beside him.

“Haven’t we done this before?” she asked morosely, sitting on the bed’s edge. “Except last time you were confessing to believing in the supernatural.”

“Well, now it’s your time to shine. How do you feel? What do you feel?”

“Nothing. I feel empty.”

“That’s impossible after what you just heard. You have to feel something.”

She stared bleakly ahead. “Mostly I feel that I should’ve figured all this out on my own. Maybe I was naïve to think I could really be a natural nine and a professional castal athlete.”

She spoke as calmly as she could, even though she felt sick on the inside. Knowing she’d been conceived in a petri dish had never bothered her. Knowing someone had altered her DNA was an entirely different matter. Everything about her own body took on a sinister edge. Looking at her hands, she had a surreal sense that they were not truly part of her, as though they were foreign objects.

“Everything about me is a lie,” she told him.

“That’s not true.” He put an arm around her. “The beginning doesn’t matter. Where you are now is what counts.”

She leaned into him. “You do self-help now? In addition to prying into others’ secrets?”

“They’re one and the same.” She didn’t know if she agreed with that, but at least when someone knew almost everything about you, they could understand where you were coming from. It still didn’t change the awful truth.

“I was a commodity. Born for her own gain.”

“Not much different from being a stipend baby,” he pointed out.

“Oh.” She felt stupid for her misstep. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He looked her in the eye with that intensity that seemed to peer right into her very essence. She fell into it. There was no scam here, no schmoozing. “Look, I meant what I said. It’s where we end up. My mom had me to get some extra cash for her drug habit, and I became an academic turned government agent. You were intended to be some pretty, compliant little creature who could be sold off to breed the highest bidder’s children. Instead, you answered your country’s highest calling.”

“Guarding you?”

“That’s the second highest. I meant the part where you fearlessly walk into danger to further the RUNA’s glory. You turned it around, Mae.” He gently touched the side of her face. “You’re the one who took control of your life.”

His words wrapped around her, reaching a part of her that few ever acknowledged. The pain of what she’d learned still remained, but there, sitting with him, it lessened slightly. And like that, one of those boxes she kept her emotions locked in burst open. It was where she’d swept away all that desire from Panama, all the longing and infatuation for a magnetic man who’d made love to her with an assurance that wasn’t so much dominance as it was the claiming of something both of them sought.

Before she could change her mind, Mae leaned forward and kissed him. She’d intended it to be a sweet and simple gesture, but it hit her with the same intensity as their first kiss, sending fire through her from head to toe. It also lasted a lot longer than she’d expected. A lot longer.

“What was that for?” he asked when they broke away.

“Really? There’s something you can’t figure out?” She stayed close, close enough that she could see the individual lashes that framed his eyes and smell his cologne, which was probably the latest and greatest creation of some trendy designer.

He pondered for a few moments, unable to resist the challenge. “Is it because after a lifetime of having men fawn over you and promise devotion, I’m one of the few who actually doesn’t try to control you and even acknowledges that your own self-control is actually a positive thing?”

Mae shoved him away. “Damn it! Why do you have to ruin everything?”

He laughed and caught her hand, pulling them back together. “Does that mean I’m right?”

“Of course you’re right. You’re always right. Although, admittedly, I wasn’t really thinking of it in such clinical terms.”

His smile grew as he leaned toward her, and despite the anger and hurt she still carried from the aftermath of their last liaison, the feelings that had burst open within her remained. Suddenly, Justin faltered and let go of her hand. He averted his eyes and shifted away. “Well,” he said, voice neutral. “Glad to know my skills are still razor-sharp.”

Mae was at a loss. He wanted her, she knew it. Then, a smarting truth hit her, and she felt like an idiot. “Justin…I need to apologize for what I said a long time ago. The whole thing about ‘someone like me’ and ‘someone like you.’ Obviously, you know now about my nonexistent Nordic dating habits. I just lashed out at you then because I felt hurt and humiliated over what I thought was some scheme of yours. I don’t believe that anymore. I know you weren’t using me.”

A flash of pain crossed his features, gone as quickly as it appeared, and he gave her a small smile. “Yeah, but I’d be using you now. You just had your whole world rocked—badly—barely an hour ago. That’s not going to go away if you get your world rocked in a different way. Passion born from emotional upheaval never ends well.”

She slinked over to him again, resting her hand on his leg and curling her fingers into him. “Maybe I’d be using you. You of all people understand the need to stop thinking for a while.”

“Yeah, and that philosophy landed me in the hospital,” he said. Despite the flippant tone, there was a tension in his body and a catch in his breath that told her he wasn’t unaffected here.

Mae was undaunted, absolutely confident of how this would end. She moved up on her knees and cupped his face in her hands. “Be my drug,” she said in a low voice. “Help me forget.”

His hands wrapped around her waist, then slowly slid down to her hips. Such a small, subtle touch, but it was exactly the kind of thing prætorians lacked. For Mae, in that moment, it was almost more powerful than if he’d simply thrown her down on the bed.

Indecision burned in Justin’s eyes. It was a rare moment in someone usually so overconfident. “Mae…this is a bad idea….”

She lowered her lips to his ear. “We can leave the lights on.”

That undid him, and seconds later, they were both trying to pry each other’s clothes off. And as Mae had hoped, she did forget. He became her drug, making her drunk with a desire she hadn’t felt in a very long time. She wanted him so badly, it hurt.

The fallout from today’s disastrous revelations vanished, and all that mattered was the warmth of his skin and the way he felt against her. She met his mouth with another kiss, nearly dizzy with the heat and desire coursing through her. She’d forgotten how gorgeous his body was, how deceptively strong it was underneath the expensive suits. Her body demanded his, and her mind demanded release of a different sort, a freeing from everything that had been weighing on her.

When their clothes were nothing more than haphazard piles on the floor, she moved on top of him, straddling his hips as she had once before. He was hard beneath her hands, and her blood burned with the need to possess him. She held back—not easy to do with the implant’s influence—but she wanted to savor this for as long as she could. There’d be plenty of opportunity for animal passion soon enough. She slid her hands up his chest, leaning forward so that her face was near his. Beneath her palms, his heart raced.

“You are so beautiful,” he breathed. “Still devastatingly beautiful. Doing this in the dark was a crime.” He tried to push some of her hair away from her face, but it fell right back.

“It’s unruly.” She hoped he wouldn’t notice that his reference to the dark had stirred up her old insecurities about lovers seeing the depth of her emotions. It had taken her ages to leave the lights on with Porfirio…surely Justin hadn’t progressed to that privilege already, had he? It didn’t seem possible, but as she allowed herself to accept this vulnerability, she discovered there was a rightness in granting him this. It still scared her…but it thrilled her too.

“It’s glorious,” he told her. He tucked the hair back again, gave up when it escaped, and instead trailed his fingers along her neck, down to her shoulder, and then along the curve of her breast. It was another small touch, another one with monumental effects.

“Even without flowers?” she teased.

His hand froze.

“What?”

She laughed softly and brushed a kiss against his lips. “You don’t remember? Your eloquent proposition in Windsor?”

Not waiting for a response, Mae kissed him again, harder this time. Her whole body ignited, and the time to savor was over. She shifted her legs so that she could take him within her and relive those earth-shattering moments from Panama. There was an urgency driving her actions now, one that needed the feel of him inside her again, to revel in the union of—

Justin gripped her shoulders and gently moved her, just enough to break the kiss. “What did I say?” he asked.

“What?”

“The proposition in Windsor. The flowers.”

Mae, adrift in a sea of lust, couldn’t even process the demand right away. She was operating on primal instincts now. “We can talk later. Right now, the only thing I want to do is—”

“What did I say?”

The harshness in his voice cast a brief chill over the heat of her desire. She frowned. “I don’t remember it all. You were just going on about getting some kind of flower—something shaped like a star—and you were going to put it in my hair and—”

Something completely unexpected happened then. Justin pushed her away and moved out from underneath her. It was agonizing, having been so close to that fulfillment, only to have it abruptly ripped away. But even that wasn’t as bad as the look on his face as he sat up. Gone was the humor, the rapture and adoration. Even the arousal was rapidly dissipating.

Mae’s was still going strong, and she couldn’t figure out what had brought about this change. “What’s the matter?”

He raked a hand through his hair. “This is a mistake. We can’t do this.”

She reached out to touch his arm, but he pulled it away. “The hell we can’t. We should’ve been doing this a long time ago.”

His eyes met hers, and she caught a fleeting glimpse of that earlier pain—and longing. It transformed into a steely resolve. “No. We can’t. I can’t. Look…you’re gorgeous, no question. And men have every reason to line up around the block for the chance to be in bed with you. The thing is, I already have been.”

“What…you think someone else needs a chance?” she asked.

He shook his head. “No, no. I’m just saying, for me…well, the thrill is gone.”

She looked him over. “You seem thrilled to me.”

“Not in here.” He tapped his head. “You weren’t a conquest, not exactly, but some of what I said back in the ministry was true. I usually don’t see women more than once, not because of some sinister motive, but because I can’t help it. Once I’ve been with a woman, there’s no mystery. No novelty. There’s no reason to go back once I know what it’s like. And…” He held out his hands helplessly. “I know what it’s like with you.”

Any residual lust within her had dried up and blown away. “You’re lying.”

“The lie would be going through with this, and I respect you too much to play these kinds of games. I like you. I like the time we spend together and don’t want to ruin our working relationship—which is why you need to know the truth. And right now that truth is…I’m just not interested in having sex with you.”

Mae didn’t want to believe it. She couldn’t believe it. After all, she’d seen the enthralled way he’d looked at her only moments ago. Of course, she could also see the way he looked at her now, and there was no tenderness or rapture here. His unflinching gaze and level words made her doubt herself, and with that doubt came anger and humiliation that he’d led her to this situation. She seized the former and let it empower her, wrapping it around her like armor so that he couldn’t see the terrible hurt he’d just inflicted. She fixed him with the iciest look she had.

“Get out.”