Gods and Legions

VIII

I shall continue this account no longer, for to do so would be to shift its focus from the topic that has obsessed me these past five years to myself, to the comforts and fears of my current existence, to things not germane to my story and which I have striven to keep out of the narrative.

Under the Emperor Valens, Julian's decrees against the Christians were reversed, and though internal divisions remain, particularly between the Arians and the Orthodox, the Empire is now firmly back on its path to becoming a Christian one, the first and greatest Christian empire the world has ever known. I wonder at the thought that I played a small part in bringing this end about, Brother, and rejoice that you yourself have found an important role in furthering the survival of Christ's Kingdom. Nevertheless, my conscience remains ill at ease, unallayed even by the frequent confessions to which I willingly submit. I rationalize my act as a blow in the defense of Christ, a strike against the chaos and bloodshed into which the Empire would surely have fallen were Julian to have continued on his course. I base my claim on the right to self-preservation. I obscure my guilt behind the curtain of greater good for all mankind. All these justifications are valid. Yet can a mortal sin be so justified? Can murder be excused? Of all the graces, peace of mind is the one I least encounter or, for that matter, deserve.

The man who assassinated Julian, the man who killed the Terror of the Germans, the conqueror of Gaul, the greatest caesar and emperor in the history of Rome, the most brilliant general since Marius, victorious in forest and desert, voted ever Augustus by the Roman Senate; that one anonymous man who pierced the Emperor's side with a javelin on a battlefield was never found, nor was claim ever made for the horse's weight in gold offered by King Sapor to the soldier who did such a deed. Some say Julian's assailant was slain himself before he could claim his reward, others that the spear was thrown wildly and its sender never aware of the target it had met. To most men, these things were of no significance, for all that mattered was that the Emperor of Rome and the scourge of Christ was dead. To me, however, the motive and the agent are of the utmost importance; in fact, they are an issue of concern to eternity, a fact with which you, Brother, of all people, will surely agree.

Thanks be to God that I have been allotted the time to complete this testimony, which is indeed a great thing. Five years I have spent completing these books, bearing witness to the history of such things as I have observed. Naturally there are many things I have left untold, yet by and large, I believe them to be of small consequence to the task I set myself. As you well know, when a man dedicates five years of his life to undertaking a task, he takes a great risk, for he knows not whether he will even live to complete what he has begun. But I have completed it indeed, and for such a blessing and relief, I am truly grateful.

Amen.