Good People

Now I Am Doubled Over

ALLOW ME TO SAY a few words, he says, and then he says, People think backward. I say to the person next to me, I can’t believe we’ve allowed this to go on, and the person next to me says, I don’t know what you mean. At this point I’m livid, I am beside myself. I think about starting a fire or setting off an explosive, but I don’t because that’s not a nice thing to do on a Sunday morning and I don’t have matches on me or kindling or anything that even resembles dynamite, so I remain seated beside myself. And it feels especially true, because at this point it’s as if I’m both the one who said I can’t believe we’ve allowed this to go on and the one who said I don’t know what you mean. It is exactly like me to be disbelieving and confused at the same time. So this is when I feel the disbelief and confusion at the base of my skull working its way up toward the top of my head and down my spinal column and all the way around into my guts. I can feel it spreading through my pelvic floor, seeping into organs and blood vessels. Now I am doubled over. Now I am on the ground, writhing, and I think, Why is this happening again. I think about how many times this has happened and in front of how many people. I can hear the people saying, This poor fellow, or I can’t stand to see him like this, or I think we should go home now. Once on the floor like this, writhing, making a spectacle, I realize I might also be the one who said, Allow me to say a few words, in the first place, which was clearly a mistake and probably how this whole mess got started.