Hollyleaf’s Story

Chapter 7

Hollyleaf slept for two whole days after her return. Fallen Leaves brought her fish to eat when she briefly stirred, and some herbs that she didn’t recognize for the niggling cough that developed as soon as she was out of the constant wind. Her nest was where she had left it, but softer and deeper than she remembered.

“I added more feathers,” Fallen Leaves admitted shyly. “In case you came back.” Then he climbed delicately alongside her, and curled his cold body around hers while she drifted back to sleep.

Finally she woke with a clearer head, feeling hungry and restless. Yellow light seeped into the tunnel, hinting at sunshine outside. Hollyleaf was alone in her nest but Fallen Leaves appeared almost at once, carrying a minnow.

“Here, eat this,” he urged, dropping it beside her.

It didn’t taste as good as the mice and squirrels in the woods—nothing would taste that good again, Hollyleaf suspected—but she swallowed it obediently, feeling strength flow back into her legs. Fallen Leaves sat beside her nest and watched.

“I saw the fox cub again,” Hollyleaf announced as she cleaned the last traces of fish from her whiskers.

Fallen Leaves looked surprised. “Are you sure it was the same one?”

“Definitely. I knew its scent right away.”

“Did it recognize you?” Fallen Leaves asked.

Hollyleaf looked down at her paws and shook her head. She felt stupid and embarrassed to admit what she had done, but she hoped Fallen Leaves wouldn’t judge her too harshly. “It saw me as a juicy piece of prey,” she mewed quietly. “I only just got away.”

She felt something soft on her ear as Fallen Leaves touched her with the tip of his tail. “I’m so sorry. You save his life, and he repays you like that? Honestly, some animals have no gratitude!”

There was a note of barely suppressed amusement in his voice and Hollyleaf looked up to see his eyes shining with humor. “I guess it was kind of mouse-brained to think he’d remember me,” she admitted.

“Just a bit!” Fallen Leaves exploded. “What did you think would happen? That he’d take you to his den to meet his mother?”

Hollyleaf shrugged. “I was so lonely,” she murmured. “I just wanted a friend.”

In an instant Fallen Leaves was crouched beside her, pressing his fur against hers. “And you have a friend,” he insisted. “Right here. Now, I’ve been awfully lazy about doing patrols while you were away. Should we start with a check of the tunnels—just in case that cub thinks about following you—and then see if you can remember how to catch a fish?”

Later, when the holes in the roof were dark and Hollyleaf’s paws were aching from running on stone, she lay in her nest of feathers and felt the pain of loneliness ease. She let out a purr, and Fallen Leaves stirred beside her.

“What are you thinking about?” he murmured.

“How glad I am that I came back,” Hollyleaf answered honestly. “I’m not cut out to live alone, I guess.”

Fallen Leaves licked her ear. “I’m glad you came back, too.”

Hollyleaf swiveled around to face him. “Do you ever think about the cats you left behind?”

“All the time,” Fallen Leaves meowed softly. “But it’s been so long, I don’t remember that much.”

Hollyleaf blinked. She’d been away from ThunderClan for several moons but she hadn’t forgotten a thing. “How many seasons have you been in the tunnels?”

Fallen Leaves shrugged and turned his face away. “More than I can count. But it’s too late to change anything now.”

Hollyleaf knew better than to suggest he go looking for his old community again. Instead, she settled herself more comfortably against his flank and prompted, “Tell me about your family. You must remember them.”

“My mother was called Broken Shadow. She was very kind and beautiful. She… she didn’t want me to go into the tunnels. I think she knew something bad would happen.”

“Couldn’t she stop you?” Hollyleaf asked.

“Not if I was going to be a sharpclaw,” Fallen Leaves replied. “That’s what I wanted, more than anything.” He trailed off, sounding achingly sad. Then he shook himself. “That’s all a long way in the past. What about your mother? Did you tell her you were leaving the Clan?”

Hollyleaf started slicing one of the feathers with her claw. “Not exactly,” she muttered.

Fallen Leaves stiffened. “You mean, she has no idea where you are? What if she thinks you’re dead?”

“It’s probably best if she does,” Hollyleaf whispered. As she spoke, she wondered which cat she was referring to: Leafpool, her real mother; or Squirrelflight, the cat who had raised her. “It’s complicated,” she confessed. “I… I have two mothers.”

Behind her, she sensed Fallen Leaves prick up his ears. “Two?”

“My real mother, Leafpool, is a medicine cat. She’s not supposed to have kits but she ran away with Crowfeather from WindClan, and when she came back, she gave birth to me and my brothers. To hide what she’d done, she gave us to her sister, Squirrelflight, who pretended we were her kits. Even Squirrelflight’s mate, Brambleclaw, thought he was our father!”

Fallen Leaves was quiet for a moment. Then he asked, “Do you think Squirrelflight loved you?”

“Oh yes,” Hollyleaf mewed. “I mean, she fussed over us all the time, just like the other queens in the nursery. But she lied to us! She only told us the truth when another cat forced her to.”

“What about… Leafpool, is it? How did she act toward you?”

Hollyleaf sighed. “She always took an interest in us, but I thought it was because Squirrelflight was her sister. I was her apprentice for a while, in the medicine den, but then I decided to train as a warrior instead. I liked working with her; it just wasn’t what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.”

“And Leafpool knows that you found out the truth?” Fallen Leaves asked.

“Yes,” meowed Hollyleaf, wincing as she recalled her final, furious confrontation with the ThunderClan medicine cat. “I… I told her she deserved to die for what she had done, but she said the worst pain of all was having to live with it.” Hollyleaf stopped talking and looked down at the splinters of feather at her feet.

“It seems to me,” Fallen Leaves began carefully, “that both of these cats loved you very much. Surely two mothers are better than none? And whatever you did before you came here, they must both hope that you are alive and safe.”

“I guess,” Hollyleaf admitted. She shoved the feather splinters out of the nest. “But how can they live with all these secrets? The truth is all that matters!”

“Not always,” mewed Fallen Leaves. “Perhaps those cats believed they were doing the right thing for you and your brothers. You can’t punish them for loving you too much, Hollyleaf.”

He patted her shoulder with his paw, and Hollyleaf lay down again. She couldn’t deny that Fallen Leaves was right: Squirrelflight and Leafpool had loved her. But everything had been complicated by secrets and lies—and by the fact that Hollyleaf had killed Ashfur to keep him from telling everyone. But then I realized it would never stay secret, so I told all the Clans at the Gathering. Ashfur’s death had been for nothing, and Hollyleaf had had no choice but to leave.

Outside, the weather turned even colder. There were fewer fish in the underground river so Hollyleaf made forays into the woods, leaving the tunnels just long enough to catch a mouse or squirrel and once a rather scrawny pigeon. Fallen Leaves never went with her; he had been out a few times, he said, to gather herbs when Hollyleaf first entered the tunnels, but he didn’t feel like he belonged there. Hollyleaf’s heart always twisted with sadness when she saw her friend’s ginger-and-white face peeking from the shadows, watching anxiously as she hunted. Fallen Leaves seemed to view the tunnels as his home and his prison equally. Did he really believe it was too late to find his family?

Hollyleaf always kept an eye out for the fox cub or his mother, but she saw nothing larger than the pigeon among the snowy trees, and only once a trace of snow-filled tracks leading down to the pine copse. She swerved in the opposite direction, using the scent of yarrow to lead her swiftly back to the mouth of the tunnel. There was a little clump growing just outside the entrance, defying the snow with its furry green leaves.

Every time Hollyleaf went outside, she found herself listening for signs of the cats on the other side of the ridge. Were her Clanmates managing to find enough prey in the snow? Were the elders strong and fit? Several times her paws seemed to lead her up to the top of the ridge without her noticing, until she was barely fox-lengths away from the ThunderClan border. But the thought of coming face-to-face with one of her former Clanmates made the blood freeze in her veins, and each time Hollyleaf whirled around at the last moment and ran back down to where Fallen Leaves was waiting for her.

After a quarter moon the snow clouds lifted, leaving a clear sky and crisp, still air. Hollyleaf buried herself in her nest, trying to get warm, but her mind was full of what might be happening in the hollow. She sat up, knowing she wasn’t going to sleep now. The tunnel was filled with silvery light, so bright it was almost like sunshine. Hollyleaf stepped out of her nest and trotted along the passage to the river-cave. It was empty, apart from dazzling light that beamed into every corner and turned the river white. Hollyleaf tipped back her head and strained to look through the hole in the roof. Far, far above, a perfect round moon drifted across the sky. It was a cold night for a Gathering. Hollyleaf pictured the cats huddling together in the hollow, steam rising from their muzzles as they listened to each leader speak.

“You miss your Clanmates, don’t you?” murmured Fallen Leaves behind her.

Hollyleaf jumped. She hadn’t heard him enter the cave. “I just want to know that they’re okay,” she mewed, feeling a flash of guilt. “Leaf-bare can be so hard in the Clans, and with all this snow, they might not have found enough to eat.”

Fallen Leaves held up one paw to stop her. “So go and see them.”

“I can’t! They have to believe I’m gone forever!”

“Visit them without being seen, if that’s what you want,” Fallen Leaves suggested. “You can’t spend all your time watching the moon, and wondering.”

Hollyleaf flinched. Perhaps he was right. She knew her old territory well enough to stay hidden. If she could just make sure ThunderClan was surviving the harsh season, she would be able to sleep again.