Ice Cold

14

MAURA AWAKENED TO THE SOUND OF ARLO’S CHATTERING TEETH. Opening her eyes, she saw it was still dark, but sensed that dawn was near, that the blackness of night was just starting to lift to gray. In the glow from the hearth, she could count the sleeping bodies: Grace curled up on the sofa; Doug and Elaine sleeping close together, almost touching. Always almost touching. She could guess who had migrated toward whom in the night. It was so obvious, now that she was aware of it: the way Elaine looked at Doug, the way she so frequently touched him, her eager acquiescence to everything he suggested. Arlo lay alone beside the hearth, the blanket molding his body like a shroud. His teeth clattered together as a fresh chill gripped his body.

She rose, her back stiff from the floor, and placed more wood in the fireplace. Crouching close, she warmed herself as the fire crackled to life, bright and fierce. Turning, she looked at Arlo, whose face was now illuminated by the flames.

His hair was greasy and stiff with sweat. His skin had taken on the yellowish cast of a corpse. If not for his chattering teeth, she might have thought him already dead.

“Arlo,” she said softly.

Slowly, his eyelids lifted. His gaze seemed to come from some deep and shadowy pit, as though he had fallen far beyond all reach of help. “So… cold,” he whispered.

“I’ve built up the fire again. It’ll be warmer in here soon.” She touched his forehead, and the heat of his skin was so startling that she felt as if her hand were seared. At once she went to the coffee table, where they had lined up all the medicines, and struggled to read the labels in the dark. She found the bottles of amoxicillin and Tylenol, and shook out capsules into her hand. “Here. Take these.”

“What is it?” Arlo grunted as she lifted his head to help him swallow the pills.

“You have a fever. That’s why you’re shivering. These should make you feel better.”

He swallowed the pills and slumped back, seized by another chill so violent that she thought he might be convulsing. But his eyes were open and aware. She surrendered her own blanket to him, draping yet another layer of wool over his body. She knew that she should check the condition of his leg, but the room was still too dark, and she didn’t want to light the kerosene lamp yet, not while everyone else was still asleep. Already the window had brightened. In another hour or so, it would be dawn, and she could examine his limb. But she already knew what she would find. The fever meant his leg was almost certainly infected, and bacteria had invaded his bloodstream. She also knew that the amoxicillin was not a powerful enough antibiotic to save him.

They had only twenty tablets left, anyway.

She glanced at Doug, tempted to wake him so that he could share this burden, but Doug was still deeply asleep. So she alone sat beside Arlo, holding his hand, stroking his arm through the blankets. Though his forehead was hot, his hand was alarmingly chilled, more like dead flesh than living.

And I know what dead flesh feels like.

Since her days as a medical student, it was the autopsy room, and not the patient’s bedside, where she’d felt most comfortable. The dead don’t expect you to make small talk or listen to their endless complaints or watch while they writhe in pain. The dead are beyond pain, and they don’t expect you to perform miracles you are incapable of. They wait patiently and uncomplainingly as long as it takes for you to finish your job.

Looking down at Arlo’s racked face, she thought: It’s not the dead who make me uneasy, but the living.

Yet she remained at his side, holding his hand as dawn broke, as his chills gradually ebbed. He was breathing more easily now, and beads of sweat glistened on his face.

“Do you believe in ghosts?” he asked softly, watching her with eyes that were feverishly bright.

“Why do you ask?”

“Your job. If anyone ever saw a ghost, it would be you.”

She shook her head. “I’ve never seen one.”

“So you don’t believe.”

“No.”

He stared beyond her, focused on something that she could not see. “But they’re here, in this room. Watching us.”

She touched his forehead. His skin was already cooler to the touch, his fever fading. Yet he was clearly delirious, his eyes tracking the room as though following the progress of phantoms gliding past.

It was light enough now for her to look at his leg.

He did not protest as she lifted the blanket. He was nude from the waist down, his penis shriveled and almost lost in the nest of brown pubic hair. In the night he had wet himself, and the towels they had placed under him were soaked. She peeled off layers of gauze from his wound, and the gasp was out of her throat before she could suppress it. She’d last examined the wound only six hours ago, by the light of the kerosene lamp. Now, in the unforgiving glare of brightening daylight, she could see the blackened edges of skin, the bloated tissues. And she caught the foul whiff of decaying meat.

“Tell me the truth,” said Arlo. “I want to know. Am I going to die?”

She struggled for reassuring words, for an answer she did not truly believe. Before she could say a word, a hand suddenly settled on her shoulder and she turned in surprise.

“Of course you’re not going to die,” said Doug, standing right behind her. “Because I’m not going to let you, Arlo. No matter how much damn trouble you give me.”

Arlo managed a weak smile. “You’ve always been full of shit, man,” he whispered and closed his eyes.

Doug knelt down and stared at the leg. He didn’t have to say it; Maura could read in his face the same thing she was now thinking. His leg is rotting before our eyes.

“Let’s go in the other room,” Doug said.

They stepped into the kitchen, out of earshot of the others. Dawn had given way to a blindingly bright morning, and the glare through the window washed out Doug’s face, made every gray hair stand out in his stubbly beard.

“I gave him amoxicillin this morning,” she said. “For all the good it’ll do.”

“What he needs is surgery.”

“I agree. You want to be the one to cut off his leg?”

“Jesus.” He began to pace the kitchen in agitation. “Ligating an artery is one thing. But to do an amputation…”

“Even if we could do the amputation, it wouldn’t be enough. He’s already septic. He needs massive doses of IV antibiotics.”

Doug turned to the window and squinted at the brilliant reflection of sunlight on ice-encrusted snow. “I’ve got a full eight, maybe nine hours of daylight. If I leave right now, I might make it down the mountain by dark.”

“You’re going to ski out?”

“Unless you have a better idea.”

She thought of Arlo, sweating and shaking in the other room as his leg bloated and his wound slowly putrefied. She thought of bacteria swarming through his blood, invading every organ. And she thought of a corpse she’d once dissected, of a woman who had died of septic shock, and remembered the patchy hemorrhages in the skin, the heart, the lungs. Shock caused multiple system failure, shutting down heart, kidneys, and brain. Already Arlo was showing signs of delirium. He was seeing people who did not exist, ghosts hovering around him. But at least he was still producing urine; as long as his kidneys did not fail, he had a chance of survival.

“I’ll pack you some food,” she said. “And you’ll need a sleeping bag, in case you don’t make it out by dark.”

“I’ll go as far as I can tonight,” said Doug. He glanced toward the front room, where Arlo lay dying. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave him in your hands.”

GRACE DID NOT WANT her father to go. She clung to his jacket as he stood outside on the porch, pleading with him not to leave them, whining that he was her father, and how could he leave her behind, just as her mother had? What kind of father would do that?

“Arlo’s really sick, honey,” said Doug, peeling her hands away from his sleeve. “If I don’t get help, he could die.”

“If you leave, I’m the one who could die!” she said.

“You’re not alone. Elaine and Maura will take care of you.”

“Why do you have to go? Why can’t she go?” Grace pointed at Maura, a gesture so aggressive it felt like an accusation.

“Stop it, Grace. Stop it.” He grabbed his daughter’s shoulders and gave her a hard shake. “I’m the strongest. I’ll have the best chance of making it. And Arlo is my friend.”

“But you’re my father,” Grace shot back.

“I need you to grow up right now. You have to realize that you’re not the center of the universe.” He strapped on his backpack. “We’ll talk about this when I get back. Now give me a kiss, okay?”

Grace backed away. “No wonder Mom left you,” she said and walked into the house, slamming the door behind her.

Doug stood stunned, staring in disbelief at the closed door. But the outburst should hardly have surprised him. Maura had seen how hungrily Grace vied for her father’s attention, and how skillfully the girl used guilt as a weapon to control him. Now Doug seemed ready to pursue his daughter into the house, which was just what Grace wanted, and no doubt expected.

“Don’t worry about her,” said Maura. “I promise I’ll look after her. She’ll be perfectly all right.”

“With you in charge, I know she will.” He took her into his arms for a farewell hug. “I’m sorry, Maura,” he murmured. “Sorry for everything that’s gone wrong.” He pulled away and looked at her. “Back when you knew me at Stanford, I’m sure you thought I was a fuckup. I guess I haven’t done too good a job of changing your mind.”

“You get us out of here, Doug, and I’ll rethink that opinion.”

“You can count on it.” He tightened the chest strap of his backpack. “Hold the fort, Dr. Isles. I promise I’ll be back with the cavalry.”

She watched from the porch as he headed up the road. The day had already warmed into the twenties, and not a cloud was visible in the sky. If he was going to attempt the journey, today was the day to do it.

The door suddenly opened and Elaine came flying out of the house. She had already said her goodbye to Doug moments earlier, but here she was again, running to catch up with him, running as though her life depended on it. Maura could not hear their conversation, but she saw Elaine pull off the cashmere scarf she always wore and gently drape it around Doug’s neck as a parting gift. They embraced, a hug that seemed to last forever. Then Doug was on his way, climbing up the rutted road that led out of the valley. Only when he’d rounded the bend and vanished behind the trees did Elaine finally turn back to the house. She climbed the porch steps to where Maura was standing but didn’t say a word, just brushed past her and walked inside, shutting the door behind her.