Inheritance

CHAPTER 21

On Saturday during the ferry trip to Angel Island, Reese kept remembering what Julian had said about Amber. She’s been avoiding you. Reese didn’t see any sign of Amber during the drive to the ship, or while Nura Halba escorted them through the steel corridors to Eres Tilhar’s room. As the lesson began, she tried to forget about her in order to concentrate, but she couldn’t entirely erase Amber from her mind. She knew Amber must be nearby, and her unseen presence was like a phantom in the room. Reese was aware that Eres might be able to sense it in her; she only hoped the teacher wouldn’t mention it out loud.

“Last time you learned how to center your attention on yourself so that you are anchored in place,” Eres said. “Today you will learn how to maintain your position in your mental map while you connect with someone else.”

“I have a question,” Reese said, interrupting Eres in an effort to distract herself.

David shifted nearby. What are you going to ask? he thought.

We do have to get info for Hernandez, she reminded him.

“What is it?” Eres asked.

“With humans who aren’t adapted,” Reese said, “I know they can’t do susum’urda, but we can still sense their emotions, right? When we touch them, I mean.”

Eres regarded the two of them with an expressionless face that nonetheless made Reese feel like she had spoken out of turn during class. After a long moment of silence, Eres said, “Yes, you are able to sense human emotions when you touch them. I believe you’ve both already experienced this.”

“Yeah,” David said. “With my parents.”

“I felt it with mine too,” Reese said.

Eres adjusted the sleeves of the gray robe as if buying time. “It is true that humans are vulnerable to our abilities,” the teacher finally said. “That is why we must refrain from reading their feelings without their permission.”

They seem to want us to refrain from a lot of things, David noted silently.

Reese bit her lip to hide her smile. “So you’re saying we could do it, but we shouldn’t?”

The walls of the triangular room shimmered from blue to green. “Yes,” Eres said. “It isn’t ethical to access someone’s consciousness without their permission.”

“I get that,” David said. “But are you telling me that you guys have never done that? If you’re so interested in finding out about humans, wouldn’t you do it?”

Eres’s lips pressed together for a moment. “It is tempting to use our abilities to understand your people, but it is wrong for us to take those liberties with people who cannot resist.”

That doesn’t mean they’ve never done it, Reese thought.

“I see that you both doubt me,” Eres said. “Perhaps that’s because humans have a looser understanding of ethical behavior than we do.”

“That’s not fair,” Reese said immediately.

“Am I incorrect?”

“You can’t say that all humans do one thing or another,” Reese said. “We’re different. Some people are more ethical than others.”

Eres nodded. “Exactly. We Imrians are not like your people in this matter. We understand it would always be wrong to cross those lines. There are very few exceptions. Parents teaching their young children, or when trying to help someone in pain, but that’s all.”

“But you’re fine with lying,” Reese said, more harshly than she had intended.

Eres seemed surprised. “Lying? I think you mean with words, as I have told you that it is impossible for us to lie during susum’urda. Words are superficial. They are meaningless when it comes to true connection.”

“We humans only have words,” Reese said. “Why do you think they’re important to us?”

Eres’s surprise seemed to deepen. “I see that I have upset you both. I apologize. I may not understand your people as well as I should. That is another reason it is important for us to have these lessons; you can teach me as well. Shall we begin again?”

Reese and David traded brief glances. Well, we have our information, Reese thought. And I bet Hernandez is gonna love it.

“Okay,” David said aloud.

“We will review first,” Eres said. “I’d like to make sure you’re both centered in your own consciousness before we try anything else today.” Eres started with Reese this time, taking her hand and asking her to focus on herself, shutting off access to the teacher’s mental space. After Eres was satisfied, the teacher turned to David and worked with him for several minutes. Reese tucked her hands beneath her thighs and tried not to stare as David’s face went slack, his lips parting slightly as Eres asked him to do the same thing Reese had done.

After they were finished, Eres sat back and looked at the two of them. “You have quite a lot of emotion inside you. It’s extraordinary. You’re both so different from an Imrian child. Your emotions are so unordered. It will take some practice for you to learn how to present a more ordered consciousness.”

“How are we supposed to order our feelings?” David asked. “Don’t they just exist, however they are? You can’t control them.”

“It’s true that feelings are uncontrollable,” Eres said, “but emotions are not. Emotions are your brain’s way of making sense of feelings.”

Reese was confused. “What?”

“Feelings are the physical reactions your body has to something,” Eres explained. “Perhaps English isn’t the best language with which to explain this, but think of it this way: Feelings are physical sensations, like hunger or pain or pleasure. These feelings happen regardless of what you think of them. Emotions are the narrative your mind creates about those feelings. So if you burn your hand, you’ll feel pain, but emotionally, you could be angry or embarrassed, depending on the situation. Does that make more sense?”

“I guess, yeah,” Reese said.

“I think so,” David said.

“Good. You both need to learn how to be conscious of your emotions so that you can present them in a more ordered manner to your partner—the person with whom you practice susum’urda. Let me show you what an ordered consciousness looks like. Reese, I’ll begin with you.”

Reese took Eres’s hand again and was instantly pulled into the teacher’s sphere of consciousness. Every time this happened, Reese found the transition a little easier, but it was still like having the world develop an entirely new dimension. Eres’s physical form receded, becoming less relevant, while the teacher’s conscious self took on a strong, solid shape. Eres didn’t look like a person anymore; the ummi had no limbs and no head, but instead was a mass of energy clearly imprinted with a recognizable identity, as deeply rooted as a tree. Eres was beautiful, but this beauty had nothing to do with physical appearance. Eres’s consciousness was warmth and compassion, and Reese felt her own body inhale in relief as she experienced this connection.

Now you will see your own conscious self, Eres told her. It was as if the teacher had turned her around mentally, and now Reese was looking into a mirror. In comparison to Eres, Reese was a mess. Her consciousness took the form of a nebulous, sparking fog, loose tendrils flying everywhere the way her hair whipped in the wind. Eres began to pull at it, trying to show Reese how to shape it into some sort of order, but the closer Eres got to various emotions, the more anxious Reese became. She didn’t want Eres to find out about Hernandez and CASS. She definitely didn’t want Eres to sense her mixed-up feelings about Amber. Reese’s anxiety made the shape of her consciousness morph, the sparks flying off more rapidly until she was a buzzing mass of tension.

What are you afraid of? Eres asked her. You must let me show you how to do this.

Sweat broke out on Reese’s skin, and she shook her head, but the teacher’s hand still held hers tight, not letting her back out. I can’t, Reese thought.

You must, Eres told her. You must know yourself before you do susum’urda with anyone. Otherwise they will not be able to truly connect with you. They will only see your confusion.

What if I don’t want to do this with anyone? I’m fine the way I am.

If you were fine, you would not be so disordered. Your fear is understandable because this is so new to you, but I will not harm you. You must be open with me so that I can teach you. You need not be open with anyone else yet.

The real world swam before Reese as she blinked her eyes open. Eres was still sitting across from her, regarding her steadily, but it was too confusing to see with her physical eyes while also touching the teacher. Reese closed her eyes again. She tried to relax, to let Eres access the knot of emotions inside her, but as Eres began to lay those emotions out one after the other—anguish, longing, a bitter wash of guilt—Reese pulled her hand free, heart pounding.

“I can’t,” she said out loud, her eyes wild.

“Are you okay?” David asked. He reached for her, but she shook her head and his hand hung in the air for a second, motionless, before he pulled it back. His face reddened slightly.

“I’m sorry,” Reese choked out. “I can’t do this today. I’m not ready.”

Eres sat back, the folds of the teacher’s robes falling to the floor in pearlescent ripples. “I’m sorry to have pushed you. It may take longer for you to adjust to this ability. I’ll work with David for the remainder of our lesson. Would you like something to drink? Water?”

Reese shook her head, feeling as if she had narrowly escaped from a trap. She sat in silence, legs and arms crossed defensively, as Eres took David’s hand and began the process with him. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him twitch from time to time, his breath accelerating and then calming. Reese dropped her gaze to the floor so that she couldn’t see him anymore. She was embarrassed and disappointed in herself, and she wished there were some way she could make the time pass faster. Now that Eres had shown Reese the shape of her own consciousness, she was hyperaware of the chaotic nature of her thoughts. She bent over, clutching her head in her hands, and willed herself to breathe more slowly. Inhale, exhale. She heard David shift in his seat. She heard her own heartbeat. She gazed down at the floor, noticing every tiny, precise groove in the matte black material. There was a pattern in the floor that she had never seen before, like some kind of maze.

Finally David and Eres broke apart, and David whispered, “That was crazy.”

Reese sat up. David’s eyes seemed haunted as he looked at her. “You’re all right?” Reese asked.

“Yeah.” But I know why you stopped. That was intense.

Eres stood. The lesson was over. “It may take several weeks or months for you both to fully adjust to your abilities, especially since you’re coming to this much later than an Imrian child would.” Reese moved toward the door, but Eres said, “Reese, may I speak with you?”

Reese paused. “Sure.”

“David, will you wait in the corridor? It will only be a moment.” After he left, Eres closed the door behind him.

“What is it?” Reese asked nervously.

“I believe that you have been trying to hide some things from me,” Eres said gently.

Reese crossed her arms. “I’m not ready for this.”

“I know. But it serves no purpose for you to hide your emotions from yourself.”

Reese’s first instinct was to deny it, to say, I’m not hiding anything. The words caught in her throat as she saw Eres watching her. Reese said nothing.

Eres nodded. “You must face it. I should also tell you that I know that you and David are sharing these lessons with your teacher, the one who is a spy. And I know that you and David have abilities that differ from what we Imria have.”

Reese went pale. “You know?”

“You cannot hide these things from me.”

“Are you going to tell?”

Eres looked disappointed. “Everything I learn from you is learned in confidence. You must understand that. David has not tried to hide these things from me. Only you have.”

Reese colored. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You and David must decide when you’d like to discuss these things openly. I suggest that you decide soon.”

Eres walked over to the door and opened it. David was standing on the other side, his back to the room. He spun around as the door slid open, his dark eyes seeking out Reese’s face. She shoved her hands into her pockets as she exited the room.

“I will see you both next week,” said Eres. “And, Reese, think about what I told you.”

Eres knows about Mr. Hernandez, Reese thought to David as they drove back to the ferry.

Is that what Eres was talking to you about? David asked. They were sitting in the backseat of the SUV while Reese’s mom made small talk with Nura Halba in the front.

Yes. Eres also knows that we have different abilities, but I don’t think she knows exactly what they are.

Eres said our lessons are confidential. Do you think she’ll tell the other Imria?

She said she wouldn’t.

The SUV turned down the road that circled the harbor, and Reese’s mom twisted in her seat to look at them. “David, your parents know you’re going to the Arenses’ with us, right?”

“Yeah. They’ll pick me up from there later.”

Reese and David were getting together with Julian under the pretense of working on a physics lab, but they were actually planning to record interviews for Bin 42. Reese had told David about Julian’s secret investigations earlier in the week. She had thought up a whole speech to persuade David to do the interview, but he had agreed almost immediately.

“More insurance,” he said to her after school on Wednesday. “Now that we have to deal with Hernandez, we need as much of that as we can get.”

As the SUV pulled up to the closed information booth beside the dock, David thought to Reese: If Eres keeps our secret, that will be one reason to trust the Imria.

Reese opened the door. Well, it will be one reason to trust Eres. She still wasn’t ready to trust the rest of them.