Isle of Dogs

Twenty-one

Possum read the latest Trooper Truth essay several times and felt certain that the anonymous web crusader suspected that the assailants he mentioned were Smoke and the road dogs.

"Why wouldn't he figure it out?" Possum whispered to Popeye, who was snoring on the bed. "Everybody knows Smoke's broke out of jail and is up to no good, 'cause he ain't capable of being up to anything else. Oh Lord, Popeye, what if the police somehow find our RV and haul us away, or Smoke gets in a shoot-out with 'em and all of us end up dead?"

Popeye instantly woke up.

"It ain't fair!" Possum went on, getting angrier. "What'd they have to go and kill that Seven-Eleven lady for? Now there's a 'scription of Smoke on the news 'cause somebody saw the shooting!"

Possum took a deep breath and glanced back at the closed door several times.

"Well, it's time I did something, " he whispered to Popeye. "And I'm gonna do it and just hope Smoke don't find out!"

Possum typed an e-mail.

Dear Trooper Truth,

That Trader man you just wrote about is a pirate on the web who calls hisself Captin Bonny. I figured it out 'cause of what you said the other day on your web about Trader being relations with that woman pirate who I guess must be dead now.

I think you could trap Captin Bonny by sending him an e-mail and setting him up. Just say you will leave him a waterproof suitcase full of what he's got coming to him and when he shows up, get him! Make up a screen name that's the same as mine so he thinks the e-mail's from me.

P. S. There is a score planned that has to do with Popeye! That Trader man is the one who set her up to be stolt!

Possum clicked on SEND NOW and glanced at the closed door with relief. Thank God, neither Smoke nor any of the other road dogs had seen what Possum had just done. Smoke would kill him for sure if he caught Possum sending an e-mail to Trooper Truth and turning in a source. Smoke would stomp, kick, and beat on Possum, leaving him for dead, just like Smoke had done to that innocent man Moses Custer, who, even as Possum was thinking all this, was being handed the telephone inside his hospital room.

It's the governor, " Nurse Carless said in a blaring voice as the cuff of her nurse's uniform knocked over a cup on Moses' food tray and spilled orange juice all over the front of his hospital gown.

"You sure?" Moses didn't believe her and thought if she caused one more accident, he was going to find the emergency alarm button and push it hard. "I mean, what if it's one of them pirates trying to find me?"

Nurse Carless took the phone away from him, clunking him in the chin. "I'm afraid he's not here, " she said over the line as she wiped up orange juice and elbowed Moses in the Adam's apple.

"No!" Moses grabbed the phone back from her. "What if it is the gov'ner? I can't be hanging up on him! Who is this, if you don't mind me asking?" he said into the phone. "Before we go looking around room to room for Moses, assuming he's even in this hospital or still alive, we need to make sure who wants to know. "

"This is Governor Crimm. "

"Which Gov'ner Crimm?" Moses asked, still unconvinced.

"Governor Bedford Crimm the Fourth. There is no other Governor Crimm because each time there's been one, it's always been me. I've been the governor of Virginia three times now. Or is it four?"

"We're still looking for this Moses person, " Moses said, not ready to trust the familiar voice quite yet. "But while I got you on the line, you mind I ask the names of your mama, wife, children, and any pets, and their ages and shoe sizes?"

"I most certainly do mind your asking that and anything else personal, " the governor' replied, deeply offended.

"Okay, okay. Hold on a second. "

Moses put his hand over the phone and his heart began beating hard. It was the governor, all right, because no governor was going to answer personal questions like that, and a pirate trying to trick Moses into thinking it was the governor on the phone would have made up the answers.

"Hello?" Moses said in a slightly higher-pitched voice. "Moses Custer speaking. "

"Yes, yes, " Crimm said with a touch of impatience as he sat in his upstairs mansion office, dimly staring out at the fine view of the circular drive and guard booth. "Things seem very disorganized at your hospital, and whoever answers the phone is very rude. "

"I tell you, it's a mess here, " the strange, squeaky voice replied over the line. "Ouch!" he said to someone. "You're caught on my cat tube! Don't you be accidentally tugging that out again! It hurts like hell when you stick it back in!"

A muffled argument ensued, and the governor made out that Moses was tangled up in his catheter and refused to let the nurse remove it and switch him over to a bedpan.

"I ain't using no pan!" Moses declared. "Knowing you, that pan will get slopped all over me and the bed! Just leave in my cat tube and take my tray outta here 'fore you spill something else or poke me with that fork! Okay, Gov'ner. I sure am sorry about that. But something wrong with that nurse. I tell you, she got some kind of condition, like Parkerson's or muscular dysentery, and every time she get near me, I get banged up as bad as I was after them pirates beat on me and stolt my truck full of punkins. "

"Well, I'll certainly make sure I never go to that particular hospital, " the governor said as he scanned the latest Trooper Truth essay with his magnifying glass.

"Oh, no sir. You should never even drive past this place, and for sure, don't never come inside. And it's my heartfelt hope, Gov'ner, that you don't ever need no hospital. I pray daily for your good health and prosperation. "

"What?" The governor returned to the advice Trooper Truth had directed personally to him. "What's that about perspiration?"

"Why, I don't know, " Moses puzzled, as Crimm assumed that the poor man must be heavily sedated.

"Now, listen here. " Crimm got to the point. "The terrible attack on you has come to my attention and I wanted to see how you're doing and let you know that I have a personal interest in your condition and intend to make sure that you are protected when you leave the hospital. "

"You do?" Moses's voice went up several more notes as what sounded like a food tray crashed to the floor.

"Of course I do! You're a Virginian and it's my sworn oath to take care of every citizen in this uncommon and magnificent Commonwealth of ours. Now, when are you checking out of there?"

The governor watched as the well-mannered Trooper Brazil drove through the front gates and parked his unmarked car in front of the mansion. Crimm couldn't remember if there was a reason for the young man to show up this morning, but it seemed it had something to do with Regina, and this was a tremendous relief. Regina needed something to occupy her attention, and the governor needed someone to protect Moses Custer.

"I believe they're saying I can go home 'fore the day out, assuming that nurse don't break my head or give me the wrong medicine, " Moses was saying. "I sure do appreciate this. I can't believe I'm talking to the gov'ner hisself! Here I am being beat on one minute and all my punkins gone, then next thing the gov'ner hisself is on the phone saying I'm gonna be protected. And the gov'ner hisself even said he was sorry about what happened, even if it wasn't his fault, and I wasn't going to be in no kind of trouble for all them punkins clogging up the river. "

"Of course, you're in no kind of trouble, " the governor said as he watched Andy get out of the car and Regina bound down the front steps, dressed in safari clothes.

"By the way, " the governor said in an effort to end the conversation and create a goodwill press situation. "Saturday night, you'll fly in the helicopter with me and sit in my box at the Winston Series race. And a state trooper named Andy Brazil will be at the hospital to safely escort you home. "

"My Lord in heaven!" Moses was surprised and delighted. "I ain't never been to no real NASCAR race, not once in my life. You got any idea how hard it is to get tickets or find a parking place? I musta woke up in Oz!"

Crimm made his way out of his office, preoccupied with questions about minihorses and what it would be like to be led around every minute. He supposed he might as well give himself up to it. His vision was getting worse daily. This morning, when he had made his way down the mansion's sweeping staircase, he'd had to hold on to the banister with both hands. Then he'd sat in the Windsor chair in the ladies' parlor again and ordered two eggs over easy and a strip of crisp bacon. When no one responded, he had gotten up and wandered across the entrance way into the men's parlor and tried again. Finally, he'd ended up inside the elevator, where Pony had found him moments later as he was carrying fresh linens up to the second floor.

"Where am I?" the governor had puzzled as Pony led him to the family breakfast room.

"Have a seat, Governor, " Pony had said as he pulled out a chair and draped a napkin over the governor's lap. "Did you sleep well, sir?"

"I didn't, " Regina had answered as she piled butter on a mountain of grits. "I keep having the same bad dream. "

Since no one at the table had seemed the least bit interested in her dream, she had decided to tell Andy about it the minute she climbed into his unmarked car.

"It's just like last time, " she started in. "I don't know what it is about tires. Why do you think I keep dreaming about tires? One dream after another, there's all these tires rolling down the highway with no cars attached, just rolling all by themselves. "

"Where are you while this is happening?" Andy asked her as he fastened his seat belt and indicated she should do the same.

"In my own bed, as if it's any of your business. "

"In relation to the tires, " Andy rephrased the question.

"I'm jumping out of their way. What do you think?" she retorted.

"You're on foot, then. "

"Of course I am! None of us are allowed to drive while Papa's governor. We have to be driven around everywhere, and I'm sick and tired of it. "

"I think it's pretty apparent why you're having tire dreams, " Andy said. "You feel like you aren't going anywhere. You're like a car with no tires or tires with no car, and in either case, you are stuck on life's highway, helpless and threatened and frustrated and feeling that the world is passing you by. "

The governor and the First Lady watched Regina and Andy through the window.

"They seem to be arguing, " the First Lady observed.

"We can't have another dog, " the governor decided.

"Who said anything about another dog, dearest?"

"I can't get a Seeing Eye dog, " the governor said. "Trooper Truth's right. It wouldn't be fair to Frisky to have another dog in the mansion. Maybe a cat, but I don't think they have Seeing Eye cats, and I hate cats. "

"I'm sure they can't train cats that way, dearest, " Mrs. Crimm said. "I would think they would jump up on things and crawl under other things or simply do nothing, and that would be pretty tricky if a cat did all that while you were tied to it. "

"They don't tie you to the animals, " Faith said as she walked in on the conversation and jealously watched her dreadful younger sister leaving with the handsome trooper. "You hold on to a little handle. And I just read in Trooper Truth that they have Seeing Eye horses, too, and he wants you to get one immediately. I don't think Frisky would mind a horse, Papa. "

"Well, we most certainly can't have a horse in the mansion, " Mrs. Crimm protested.

"I want one, " the governor decided. "Today. " "I'm not sure how I feel about Regina going to the morgue, " Mrs. Crimm worried as Andy and Regina drove out of sight.

"Maybe it would be good for her, " the governor considered. "Might make her count her blessings and stop complaining so much. "

"I agree, " Faith said. "She should be happy she's alive. " The governor walked away and bumped into a life-size portrait of Lady Astor. "Excuse me, " he muttered.

Barbie Fogg was bumping into things as well this morning. Bleary from too many lemonades, she collided with a sharp corner of the bed, cracked her funny bone on the toaster, and just seconds ago, almost bumped into the car in front of her as her attention wandered all over the interstate. Usually, when she drove her minivan to the Baptist Campus Ministry, where she was a volunteer counselor, nobody paid much attention to her. But other motorists were certainly staring at her this morning, and in her stuporous state, she was finding their scrutiny very distracting.

She had always been an attractive woman who dressed smartly but tastefully, and certainly she believed deeply in skin care. Skin was God's gift to women, she often told the female students who sought her advice and guidance. Clothes and accessories make no difference if your skin is bad, and everyone should visit the skin doctor regularly and use good cleansers and moisturizers and stay out of the sun.

Now, it was true that her skin looked especially nice this morning after the glycolic masque she vaguely remembered applying last night after too much to drink. But why were all these motorists staring at her? Some of them were even honking their horns, and a moment ago a man with an earring zipped past in his Porsche and gave her a thumbs up. She slowed down at Hooter's toll-booth and was pleased to see the rainbow bumper sticker proudly mounted on the sliding glass window.

"Why, you must work twenty-four hours a day, " Barbie greeted Hooter, who looked a bit under the weather. "We both have rainbows. Isn't it fun?"

"I tell you, I had the strangest thing happen last night, " Hooter said as cars lined up behind the minivan.

She told Barbie all about the wild man in the alleyway who was sitting on a bag of guns out by the Dumpster and trying to shoot off his privates.

"Then, you know that big trooper I dated last night…? Well, " Hooter interrupted her own story. "I guess you got no reason to know him. But I had to drive him back home to his mama, and he wanted a little loving but I wouldn't give him none 'cause his mama right there in the next room, pro'bly with a glass up against the wall, listening to see what we was doin'.

"So I say to him, 'Why you still living with your mama and if I did what you wanted, what if she walked in?' Can you imagine?" Hooter said to Barbie. "Can you imagine riding that big trooper's horsie and right in the middle of it, there's mama in her nightie standing next to the couch. I think that's sick. I'm telling you, that man's a strange one. "

"What horsie?" Barbie was horrified and confused.

"Just his little pet name for what I'm telling you is the biggest… " Hooter's comment was obliterated by honking horns. "… ever saw, girlfriend! Only, I ain't 'zactly seen it in person yet. But based on the commotion it was making as it tried to bust out of its stall, you get what I'm saying? Uh huh? That's one big… " More horns blared.

"Well, you would think I'm causing a lot of commotion myself, " Barbie confided. "All these people are just staring at me and honking and nearly running me off the road, " she added as a huge pickup truck with mud flaps swerved to another line and Bubba Loving flipped a bird and yelled something at Barbie's minivan. "How does he know my name?" she exclaimed to Hooter. "I've never seen that man before in my life and he just yelled my name. I'm good at reading lips. "

"You don't say, " Hooter remarked, staring after the pickup truck. "I sure do hate it when they got them 'Federate flags on their windshield and Bubba on the vanity plate. Good thing he went over to the Smart Tag line 'cause I don't like 'Federate money whether I got gloves on or not! I won't touch it if I got a choice, uh uh! I don't think he say your name, though. " Hooter was reluctant to tell her. "Fact is, I doubt he know your name. "

"I'm pretty sure he said Fogg. "

"Nuh uh. He say something else that wasn't the least bit nice, girlfriend. I think that Bubba redneck call you a fag."

"Well now, if that doesn't take the cake. " Barbie was mystified. "You positive he didn't say Fogg?"

"I ain't gonna go ask him. He a mean redneck and probably got a hood in his closet, you know what I'm saying?"

Barbie didn't know what she meant.

"You know, a white sheet, " Hooter explained. "He probably some cross-burning gran dragon for the Ku Klack Klan!"

"Anyone who burns a cross will go straight to hell, " Barbie said with pious indignation.

"I don't care where people like him go after they's dead. I just don't want them stopping at my tollbooth and maybe trying to find out where I live so they can shoot out my windows and burn a cross in my yard. Except I don't have a yard. I guess they could burn a cross in the parking lot, though. "

"So many crazy people. " Barbie was getting discouraged. "The world just gets worse every day. "

"Ever since the new milminimum, everything's worse. Don't see how they could get worsen" Hooter could not have agreed with Barbie Fogg more.

Andy didn't see how things could get much worse, either, as he turned off 9th Street, bound for the morgue with Regina sitting in the passenger's seat smacking gum and playing with the scanner.

"How do you turn on the lights and siren in this thing?" she asked.

"We're not turning on the lights and siren, " he told her.

"Why not? You're responding to a murder, aren't you? Seems to me you could turn them on if you wanted to. "

"No, I couldn't. We're not pursuing anyone or in a hurry. " He worked hard to keep his irritation to himself.

"Well, aren't we in a pissy mood today?" Regina commented as she stared out the window at people aimlessly searching for parking places and waiting in the cold to cross the street.

She did not have to subject herself to common inconveniences, and for the first time in years, she was happy. She could not believe she had escaped the EPU at last and was inside a brand-new state police car, on her way to the morgue with Andy.

"I will make a very good partner for you, " she went on. "I know a lot of things you don't and probably more things than that medical examiner woman does, for that matter. I bet you don't know what to do if you get stuck in quicksand, now do you?"

"I don't intend to ever get stuck in quicksand, " Andy replied. "I would avoid it. "

"Huh. That's easy to say. If it was a simple thing to avoid quicksand, then people wouldn't get stuck in it and sink to death. So what you do is spread your arms and legs and try to float. " She showed him. "Then you put your walking stick under your back to keep your hips from sinking, and you pull your legs out and escape. And if you want to break down a door, you kick the lock, and you can pick a car lock with an Allen wrench and a bobby pin. I also know how to survive python, alligator, and killer-bee attacks, " she bragged. "And I could deliver a baby in a taxi-cab or save myself if my parachute doesn't open. "

"Only because you've obviously read The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook, " Andy replied, to her annoyance and surprise. "And just because you read about a dire situation while you're safely sitting in the mansion doesn't mean you could really save yourself if the worst really happened. "

"Papa gave it to me for my birthday, " Regina smugly said. "And he's never given that book to my sisters because they don't care about adventure and are cowards. I can just imagine Faith trying to land a plane after the pilot has a heart attack, and Constance would panic to death if she were lost in the desert or adrift at sea. "

She rummaged in her knapsack and pulled out the bright yellow little handbook.

"So, what would you do if your parachute didn't open?" She tested him as she smoothed open a dog-eared page that was stained with what looked like chocolate.

"I would check my chute before I jumped, " Andy replied as his patience tightened like a guitar string about to snap.

"What about if lightning struck?"

"I would avoid it. "

"Would you stand under a tall tree?" Regina was determined to evoke a wrong answer from him.

"Of course not. "

"What if you were diving a hundred feet down and ran out of air?" Regina asked in a confrontational manner.

"I wouldn't. "

Regina smacked the handbook shut and shoved it back into her knapsack.

"When do you think I can get a uniform?" she asked with mounting anger.

"After you attend the academy and graduate. We're talking the better part of a year, assuming the academy accepts you. "

"They have to accept me. "

"Just because your father's the governor doesn't mean anybody has to accept you, " Andy replied a bit sharply.

"I don't intend to tell anybody who you are beyond saying that you're an intern who's riding along with me. "

"Then I'll tell them, " she countered, opening the window and flicking out the gum.

"That would be very unwise. Don't you think it's time you let people like you for yourself instead of for who you are? And don't throw anything out the window. "

"What if they don't?" Her mood wilted. "And you know they won't. Nobody has ever liked me even when they know who Papa is. So why would they like me if they didn't know who he is?"

"I guess you're just going to have to see what happens and face reality for once, " Andy said as he turned off on Clay Street. "And if people don't like you, you have only yourself to blame. "

"Bullshit. None of it's my fault. " Regina's voice got louder and more strident. "I can't help the way I was born!"

"It's your choice to be rude and selfish, " Andy said. "And I'm not hard of hearing-yet. Lower your voice. Maybe for once you might think about others instead of yourself. How about the poor person back there who steps on that gum you just threw out? How would you like it if you stepped on someone's gum when you were dressed for work, in a hurry, couldn't afford new shoes, and had a sick baby at home?"

This had never occurred to Regina.

"The only reason no one likes you is because you don't like anybody, either. People sense that, " Andy went on as he pulled in behind the modern brick building called Biotech II that housed the chief medical examiner's office and the forensic laboratories.

"I don't know how, " Regina confessed. "You can't know how to do something if no one has ever shown you. And all my life, everyone has treated me special because of who I am, so I've never had a chance to think about anybody else. "

"Well, now you've got your chance. " Andy parked in a visitor's space and got out of the car. "Because I'm going to treat you like shit if you treat me like shit. Maybe it's good you're at the morgue. You can practice being nice to dead people and they won't care if you can't pull it off. "

"That's a great ideal" Regina enthusiastically followed Andy along the sidewalk and inside the lobby. "Except how do you worry about someone's feelings if they can't feel anything anymore?"

"It's called sympathy, it's called having compassion. Words foreign to you, no doubt. " Andy stopped at the information desk and signed in. "Try to think about what the poor people down here have been through and how sad their friends and loved ones are, and for once don't focus on yourself. And if you're obnoxious, that's the end of your internship because I'm not going to put up with it, and I know the chief won't put up with it. She'll throw you out on your ass in a nanosecond. "

"Papa can fire her, " Regina pointed out.

"She'll eat your papa for breakfast, " Andy said.

He handed Regina a small notebook and a pen as electronic locks clicked free and they entered the chief medical examiner's office.

"Take notes, " he instructed her. "Write down everything the doctors say and keep your mouth shut. "

Regina was not accustomed to taking orders, but the instant she noticed graphic autopsy photographs on desks in the front office, she began to lose her usual bravado and self-absorption. The clerks knew Andy very well, it seemed, and were very friendly and flirtatious with him. Regina was stunned and thrilled when Andy introduced her as his intern.

"Lucky you, " one of the clerks said, giving Regina a sly wink.

"Why can't I be your intern?" another one coyly asked him.

"Whoa, baby. I'd be happy to let you teach me a thing or two. "

"We're here on the fisherman's case. " Andy was all business. "Is Doctor Sawamatsu doing the case?"

"No. He hasn't come in yet. "

"What about the chief?" Andy was relieved that Dr. Sawamatsu wasn't in and hoped he wouldn't show up at all.

In the first place, Dr. Sawamatsu's English was poor, and Andy had a very difficult time understanding him, especially when he started throwing around medical terms. Dr. Sawamatsu was also clinical and came across as rather cold-blooded and cynical, and Andy took great exception to anyone who was callous around victims, alive or dead. Worst of all, Sawamatsu had repeatedly bragged to Andy about a secret collection of souvenirs that included artificial joints, breast and penile implants, a glass eye, pieces and parts from plane crashes and other disasters, and Andy doubted that the chief knew about her assistant's unseemly hobby, because the collection was at his home and not at the office.

"Maybe I'll just tell her, " Andy thought out loud as he followed a long carpeted corridor to Dr. Scarpetta's office suite.

"Tell who what?" Regina looked around in wonder, pausing to stare inside offices where microscopes were perched on desks and X-rays were clipped to light boxes.

"Don't ask questions, and as we say in bomb investigations, don't touch or move anything in any way, " Andy warned her. "And everything you hear and see can never be divulged to anyone, including your family. "

"I'll try, " she replied. "But I've never kept a secret before. "

Barbie Fogg routinely listened to secrets and had a few of her own. Worried that Lennie might have secrets, too, she decided to take the next exit and loop around so she could return to the Exact Change tollbooth and confide to Hooter that Barbie was worried about her marriage.

"Lennie's leaving town and came right out and said he wants a girlfriend! You don't think he's having affairs on the road because I won't have sex anymore, do you?" Barbie poured out her heart to Hooter. "Well, anyway, Lennie sells real estate, meaning he's often at home with nothing much to do, so he usually watches the twins and certainly has plenty of time for affairs. And to make matters worse, he's heading out to Charlotte for an important meeting and I'll pretty much be stuck at the house. Meaning it's possible I won't be seeing you for a whole week. "

Both Barbie and Hooter were disappointed. It seemed they had been friends forever.

"Oh dear, I didn't realize how much I'm going to miss you, " Barbie confessed.

"Lord, Lord, I gonna have separate anxiety without you coming through my booth! Who I gonna talk to anymore? Why he gotta go to Charlotte? You know, I get so sick and tired of people going to North Carolina. Like it some kind of promise land or something. You know, I never even been to North Carolina. What so special about it, huh?"

"You got any vacation time with the city?" Barbie asked as more cars piled up behind her and blared their horns. "Why don't you come to the NASCAR race with me tomorrow night? I would just love it and you could see all those handsome drivers. But you'd need to take the afternoon off because I like to get there early and hang around the pits and wait for the drivers to come out and climb into their cars. Sometimes they let you get your picture taken with them. Oh, if only you knew what that was like! Standing arm in arm with a handsome stock-car driver in his tight, colorful fireproof jumpsuit!"

"Now, I sure as heck never been to no NASCAR race and I never seen no Afric-American drivers, neither. So I wouldn't know. " Hooter paid no attention to the endless line of impatient motorists. "Maybe I take the whole day off! I ain't had no vacation since my sister got married and I was in the wedding. The mattress of honor. " Hooter beamed at the memory of being decked out in that long pink dress with see-through sleeves and beads and bows. "That was sure a time, let me tell you, girlfriend. "

"Yeah! How about visiting with your fucking girlfriend some other time, you queerbaits, and hurry up!" Bubba Loving was back in his truck with mud flaps.

"What on earth is queerbait?" Barbie asked as she jotted down her phone number on a Post-it. "Something you catch strange fish with? And why is that same vulgar man screaming about fishing?"

"Take one to know one!" Hooter yelled back at Bubba.

"Here, sweetie, " Barbie said to Hooter, "you ring me up in the next few hours. I'll be at the Baptist Campus Ministry, and you just call and let me know if you can come to the race so I don't give the ticket to some other lucky person. Please come! Oh dear, I just love having girlfriends to talk to!"

"I just might do it. In fact, I will, I will. Damn right I will. " Hooter was getting excited by the idea. "You count me in unless I can't get no one to cover my booth for me. How 'bout you pick me up right here at, well, let's see. What time?"

"Two o'clock sharp. "

"I'll slide on home and change and be waiting for you right here at my booth unless something come up. Then we have plenty of time to talk about your rotten sex life. "

"Wouldn't that be wonderful. " Barbie cheerfully waved good-bye as she drove on and forgot the seventy-five cent toll, setting off the alarms. "The rainbow is working! Magic, magic everywhere!"

"Sweet-talk your girlfriend another time when we aren't waiting until Heck freezes over to go through the tollbooth!" Lamonia yelled from her Dodge Dart.

Lamonia was understandably in a foul mood. First, she had gotten handcuffed because of her bad night vision, now she was stuck in traffic because two interracial lesbians were flirting at the tollbooth and a racist redneck was engaging in road rage. What had gone so wrong in the world? Dear Lord, have mercy, Lamonia thought. The entire planet was self-destructing and it was just a matter of time before Jesus would get fed up and come back, and Lamonia wasn't ready for the Rapture. No, sir. She told Jesus every Sunday to please hold on for a while, because Lamonia had so many friends and neighbors who were going to be left behind if He came in on a cloud and the Rapture lifted up all Believers.

"Give your life to Jesus, " Lamonia said to Hooter as she fed a dollar bill into a cotton-gloved hand.

"You tell it, girlfriend, " Hooter said, dropping three quarters into the bin and returning a quarter change.

"I'm not your girlfriend or anybody's girlfriend!" Lamonia wasn't the least bit subtle about it. "Ask forgiveness for your sins and pray to Jesus. Ask Him to take your life and do something with it, you hear me? Because He's coming soon, and you don't want to be sitting in that little booth of yours and giving in to perversions with strangers and suddenly find half the cars coming through don't have drivers 'cause they've been Raptured up into Heaven!"

"Tell it, " Hooter encouraged the pulpiteer. "You tell it, girl. "

Lamonia needed no encouragement. "Two men are working in a field, and suddenly one of them is gone. Two women are doing laundry in the Laundromat, and suddenly, one of them is gone. You'll be taking toll money, and suddenly half the drivers will be gone and you just better hope you aren't still sitting in your booth, because if you are, that means you've been left behind!"

"I ready for the Rapture, girl, " Hooter assured Lamo-nia as the two of them exchanged phone numbers. "Oh yes, I ready and looking forward to it. Always have been looking forward to it! Jesus be coming back. I always knew He would. " Hooter stared up at the ceiling of her booth. "You come on now, Jesus. You just come right on. I be waiting for you and won't even charge you no toll when you float down on your cloud!"

"No!" Lamonia protested. "Don't tell Him to come now! There's too much work to do, you silly woman! Look out there at all them sinners! Just miles and miles of them. Pray for them first, child!"

Hooter gazed out at miles of honking cars.

"Yeah, you right, girl. Most them folks out there ain't ready for Jesus. Look how upset and nasty they is. Hmmm hmmm. " Hooter shook her head sadly. "So we ask Jesus to hold off a little longer. Just give us a little time, Jesus, " she prayed loudly as Lamonia lurched out of the tollbooth and rear-ended another car. "Please, Lord in Heaven, just give me Saturday afternoon off, you got that? Just one little vacation, " Hooter prayed. "That all I ask, Jesus. "