Jury of One

51

The nights a young woman lies awake, stroking her swollen belly, dreaming of the child she will never know. She knows nothing about this child. She can’t even give it a name, for she doesn’t know if it’s a boy or girl. She thinks of gender-neutral names like Pat or Sam, and she plays the games with other shortened names as well. Andy or Andi. Joe or Jo.

She will not name this child. It will be another family, a family with a lawyer who will meet with the lawyer Daddy has provided. A family who desperately wants a child of their own. She will not know their names. They will know hers. Will they tell the child someday? Will the child know how special it is?

Will the child be compassionate? Giving? Will she-or he-love life? Live for the moment and prepare for the future? Take chances? Be ambitious?

She goes to the window and looks out over Otter Lake. The lake is frozen now, two days after Christmas, a blanket of snow providing a tranquil cover. She longs for the summer days when she would take Grandma Jeannie’s boat and rock with the gentle ebbing of the water, staring up at the stars and thinking of this child.

Her child will have children-Shelly’s grandchildren-that she will never know. And they will have children. An entire family will come from this child whom she will never know.

She knows it in a way that a mother who will not raise the child knows it. Yes, the child will be special. It will be intelligent and self-assured and will do great things. She knows these things because she has to know them. They have to be true.

It will be about two months now, give or take a week. They tell her that the first one usually does not come early. Mid-February, they are saying. She will only have about forty-five more days with her child and then she will say goodbye forever.

She will not return to Haley. She knows that now. For the same reason she did not return there for Christmas. It is not what everyone thinks. She is not ashamed. She does not care if her friends would snicker or gossip. She does not want to see them anymore. She will move on now and do it her own way. She will stay with her grandmother for her senior year of high school and, if her grades remain on pace, she will get a scholarship to college. She will not live under their roof nor accept their money. Her father will overcome this temporary setback and get what he wants, someday. Attorney general, governor, president-he will find a way. She will not be proud but she will be relieved, because when this happens, she will be free of all debts. And then she will live without them.

And without her child.