Little Casino

This indifferent earth

SHE WORRIED ABOUT CIGARETTE SMOKING, cigarette smokers, and, most especially, secondhand cigarette smoke that might well be everywhere, virtually invisible, some of it lurking in corners and near baseboards for decades, and about the fact that those exposed to this smoke, either directly or indirectly, had little or no idea of what to do about nuclear waste. She fretted about all the wonderful, intelligent dolphins that were killed along with all the marvelous, beautiful tuna, and that the callous and unenlightened fishermen who slaughtered them would, if they stopped slaughtering them, stay home on welfare collecting their fat checks and drinking beer all day. She was concerned that a well-spoken legal secretary, who had been complimented on her attractiveness by her boss, a man with absolute power over her career, had been plunged into near-psychosis by this occurrence, and that the boss had compounded his offense by persistently suggesting to the hapless woman that it was perfectly all right for persons in good health to eat as many as five eggs a week. She was upset that a CEO who had always seemed like a wonderful man with his big white smile and deep voice and his concern for hungry children in Somantia or Rguanda or someplace hot and dirty had left his wife of thirty-two years, a wonderful woman who played tennis and was always tan, for a twenty-three-year-old California woman described as a “Palo Alto yogurt therapist and relationship coach,” and that neither of them seemed to be alarmed in the least that suggestive dancing in public seemed to be on the rise. She often lay awake at night thinking of the bothersome homoerotic behavior displayed by athletes of both sexes while engaged in their various sporting pursuits, and that not a single one of them had ever spoken out about the impossibility of convicting a black millionaire of anything, since they not only get all the breaks, they also get everything handed to them on a silver platter. She stewed silently when she came to realize that not one single president in her lifetime had possessed the courage to speak out against really short skirts in places of business, since fashion designers are all homosexuals, who not only get all the breaks, but they also get everything handed to them on a silver platter. She was disgruntled because of the possibility that chicken offered for sale in seemingly clean markets might be contaminated with salmonella, some kind of Arab disease invented by Saddam Hussein, yet careless butchers, even after all these years, show no interest in really excellent books that tell good stories, but prefer to look at dirty pictures back in the refrigerator. She was considerably troubled by the fact that no amount of washing could ever rid fruit of deadly insecticides imported from Iran or someplace like that by the liberals in Congress, and she knew in her heart that the badly paid Mexicans who sprayed the fruit were also shooting wolves and coyotes, when they could spare a moment from their enchiladas and tequila and urinating in the streets, or calles. She hated the loggers who spent much of their days ravaging the forests of this once-beautiful land, and was certainly not at all surprised to learn that they were wholly unconcerned about the high levels of caffeine in the soft drinks that their children seem to like so much. She became very nervous about secondhand cigar smoke, and was appalled to learn, from her daily newspaper’s Health and You section, that most cigar smoke has a carcinogenic half-life of 40,000 years, the same as refined sugar. She was enraged that none of those exposed to this smoke, although possibly rendered sterile, bothered to discover for themselves that the Jews, who owned the entertainment business, the banks, the beer companies and spirits distilleries and newspapers, the television stations, the Empire State Building, the Golden Gate Bridge, 51 % of Alabama, Harvard, and the NAACP, also owned all the cigar factories in Communist Cuba, whence all these fashionable cancer-rolls come from, despite the lies of the Jewish-owned, liberal-socialist-neoconservative press and its kept columnists, all of whom have changed their “kosher” names. She was filled with anxiety when she discovered that the Boards of Directors of dozens, not to say scores, of this once-proud nation’s most powerful companies were made up of Satanists, Muslim fundamentalists, or both, and that the stockholders of these corporations had no idea that demonically possessed-and-directed great white sharks kill just as many dolphins and tuna as do drunken New England fishermen, although many of these aquatic wonders of nature are also destroyed by chewing-tobacco sputum carelessly deposited in streams and rivers by Jewish farmers and baseball players. She was discouraged to find that ranchers love to shoot weasels, which they callously call “barn coyotes,” but somewhat soothed when informed that these same weasels lust to kill, and kill savagely, newborn lambs and bunnies. She could barely countenance the revelation that those charged with controlling the predations of the demonic great white sharks were discovered to be more interested in establishing the rights of homosexuals to perform disgusting sex acts with and on each other anywhere they please, but especially in public schools. When it came to homosexuals, or “homos,” as, she learned, they prefer to call themselves, she was really astonished when informed that almost every single Hollywood star, even the big strong men, is a “homo,” and yet no one who was aware of this was concerned in the least as to why country music is no longer really country music, but an invention of African American ghetto persons, believe it or not! And although she had no idea why jazz, even by African American persons who really know how to play it, like that Winston Margolis, is supposed to be so good, she felt a little ashamed of herself for sometimes wishing that they’d play some nice, familiar, good old comfortable rock and roll. She sobbed with anger at the news of the.229 lifetime hitter who had signed a three-year contract for twenty-eight million dollars, with an incentive clause promising an additional one hundred thousand dollars for every point over.229 in each of the three seasons, especially when he boasted that he’d celebrate with “a big, thick steak, a cigar, and my friend, the journalist Candace Herbert-Mills.” She was doubtful that the United States Army is a violent organization, but shocked to learn that a survey of noncommissioned officers named one of television news’s most vivacious, wholesome, and courageously hard-hitting personalities “a piece of ass.” She was beside herself with frustration when she read that some of her taxes would possibly be used to care for the skin cancers of those who insisted on their tans each summer, and who, bronze-gold glowing, were utterly passive in the face of malt-liquor consumption in the inner city, especially in the doorways of welfare offices. Still, she was somewhat surprised to be apprised of the probability that poor and powerless people, especially of dark skin, are sometimes treated with rudeness, force, and even brutality by police officers, not one of whom cares about the very high levels of LDL cholesterol in crisp chicken skin. Did that really likeable actor, the sunny, slightly chubby one with the lopsided grin, know how upset she was when he left his wife because of the orgies that the poor woman was forced to take part in by a famous producer, who just happens to be an adept at Jewish black magic? She had, too, been sobered by the article in a national news magazine that detailed the high rates of venality, boredom, envy, cruelty, greed, and just plain dumbness among gay persons, or “homos,” virtually all of whom were on record as adoring disco dancing, washed-up divas, pastel colors, really bad musicals, and blondes. And the cowboy who left his businesswoman wife of fifty-three for a surfer girl shocked her, especially when he confessed that he ate a double cheeseburger every day. And although she resisted the notion as best she could, it seemed to her that there was something to the accusation that girls in short skirts were, well, “asking for it,” despite their Buddhist beliefs, whole grains, and yoga exercises. She was just livid at the lack of respect, shown by swarthy welfare cheats and their shyster Jewish lawyers, for good Christian beliefs, like charity and Jesus Christ. And speaking of disrespect, certain ethnic and religious types were perfectly happy to criticize evangelical preachers and those who had been reborn, yet had no suggestions for frustrating or delaying the revival of restricting and constraining foundation garments. She was made uncomfortable by teenage boys, and was not in the least surprised to find that they had never heard of Custer’s Last Stand, the Monkees, Brian Wilson, or Peter Fonda, let alone Barry Manilow and Anne Tyler.

There were, surely, other things that worried, concerned, angered, appalled, and enraged her, but she continued to use Sunset Blush lipstick because her really manly but gentlemanly Italian American boss had once made a subtle and charmingly suggestive comment on her mouth, and she also continued to consume Ho-Hos, although they reminded her of an unpleasant summer she had spent at Camp Gitchegumee. She ate three meals a day, dieted constantly, was warm in winter and cool in summer, and had a number of so-so friends who were not curious or demanding or intrusive or constant. She thought her sex life a disaster, although it was, more or less, the norm. All in all, she lived better than eighty-five percent of the human beings on the face of this indifferent earth.

And when the winter arrives for this concerned and worried woman, why, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

“Well, if Jewish persons, and I’ll be the first, believe me, to say that you’ve gotta hand it to them, if they don’t own all the news media, how do you explain the fact that Rex Morgan, M.D., changed his name from Morgansky?”

Uh-huh.

This woman once owned a pale-blue knitted dress, but a person or persons unknown broke into her apartment and cut the dress into one-inch strips. A note, which read, in its entirety, “Dunderbeck’s Machine,” was left beneath her Christmas tree, long stripped of ornaments and lights, and thoroughly dried out.

(Might be a symbol.)

Mr. Schmitz writes: “There will be a tremendous explosion, but no one will hear it and the earth will return to its nebulous state and go wandering through the sky, free at last from parasites and disease.”

“Mr. Schmitz was Jewish and changed his name.”