Long Shadows

Chapter 24

S​he watched him go, this huge man lumbering along. He had been described to her by many people she respected as far and away the most dogged investigator the FBI had. Yes, annoying, frustrating to deal with, fragile at times, cutting unnervingly right to the edge of the legal envelope. But the man got the job done. He would walk through walls and over anyone standing in his way, no matter who it was, or how high up in the pecking order they were.

And while he had been somewhat like that today, he did not look like that man right now.

And he was her brand-spanking-new partner.

She sipped her G and T but didn’t really taste it.

Shit, am I screwed or what?

She pulled out her phone and called home. Her mother, Serena, answered. She asked about the kids, who were asleep at this hour.

“They’re fine, but from the sound of you, you’re not fine, Frederica.”

Her mother had resolutely declined to ever call her daughter Freddie.

“Just the case. Issues.”

“All your cases have issues, especially in the beginning. What’s different now?”

“My partner is different.” She went on to explain about Decker, including his brain trauma and personal losses. “He seems disengaged. And if this investigation goes into the toilet, so do I. I didn’t want a transfer. I don’t even know why they picked me to partner with him.”

“You don’t? Really?”

White’s brow crinkled. “What exactly are you saying, Mom?”

“Do you remember what happened to you when Donte was killed?”

“How the hell could I ever forget that?”

“Well, you apparently have. Just think on that. And pray on that. I feel sure you’ll get there in the end.”

“How can you stay so positive with all the shit that’s happened to our family?”

“You think we’re the only family that’s had bad things happen?”

“We’ve had more than our share.”

“I know some folks that have lost all of their children to violence.”

“A racist white cop put a bullet in Daddy’s head because Daddy stood up to him. And he didn’t spend one damn day in prison for it because the department thought it would be really bad for morale, and so they covered it up to look like an accident. Yeah, we got money, but that doesn’t cut it. It didn’t bring Daddy back.”

“Everything you said is exactly right, Frederica. And you will carry that with you for the rest of your life, as I will. But if you let it be what leads your life and defines who you are, then your existence on this earth will not be nearly as positive or productive as it could be.”

“I don’t get you, I really don’t.”

“Just like maybe you don’t get your new partner.”

“If he blows this, my trajectory gets stalled out real fast. My kids are going to college. I need to keep moving up.”

“I got the money for college for your kids.”

“No, that’s your money. That’s Daddy’s money. I don’t want it.”

“You’d be so stubborn over that you’d risk your kids’ not getting ahead?”

“They’re my kids and I’ll get it done for them. Just like you and Daddy did for us. You didn’t have rich relatives help you out. And I’m not going that route, either. You didn’t raise me that way.”

“Just pray on it, Frederica, just pray on it.”

White clicked off and just shook her head. She hadn’t prayed or been to church since Donte had been killed.

And I’m not starting now. Because where was God when Daddy got killed? Where was he when Donte died? Not anywhere near where I fucking live.

An instant later she felt both her pulse and blood pressure rise dramatically.

Shit! She’d started having these panic attacks a while back. It was never to do with work. It was always to do with her kids. And her conversation with her mother had put it all front and center again. She took deep breaths and willed herself to calm.

She’d never talked about this with anyone at work. She didn’t want anyone there to think she couldn’t handle herself, the pressures, no matter where they came from. She had thought about getting help, talking to a counselor, but then decided to try to manage it on her own.

She left her unfinished drink on the counter and went to bed.

And Frederica White didn’t sleep any better than Amos Decker did.