Long Shadows

Chapter 55

A​n hour-and-a-half ride later in heavy traffic White arrived in Baltimore. It was after ten and she was tired but also excited. She drove to her row house and parked out front. She had phoned ahead, and Calvin and Jacky were waiting at the front door for her.

After hugs and kisses and more hugs she took them upstairs.

Her son Calvin was growing fast. He took after his father in height and build, she noted grudgingly.

“Wait till you see this, Mom,” he said.

He ran to his room and came out a few moments later holding up a martial arts belt.

“I got my green belt in Tae Kwon Do. And the teacher said I’ll be ready for my purple pretty soon.”

“That is so great, Cal,” said White.

“I’ll have my black belt in a few years and then I’ll go for my double like you have in karate.”

He assumed a defensive stance and smiled at her.

She grinned back and matched his posturing while Jacky watched and clapped.

“Okay, show me what you got,” said White.

He did some kicks and punches and she backed up, pretending that she couldn’t block them, but smiling at how accurate and smooth his technique was.

“You might be getting that black belt sooner than you think,” she said, although her voice had gotten huskier and her eyes started to water.

He got his green belt when I was out of town. My mother had to take him. Because I wasn’t there.

She got them into bed, and the kids told her about their days since she had been gone. They went over school and friends and special projects and sports and maybe getting a cat because Jacky really wanted one, but Calvin wasn’t sure about that because he might have allergies.

She talked about the family possibly moving to DC. The kids were alarmed by this, because they didn’t want to leave their friends. But she told them it wouldn’t happen any time soon. She would just make the commute with some other FBI personnel she knew who were in similar situations.

After that she told them a couple of funny stories and then turned off the light. She sat with them until they fell asleep, then kissed them and left. But she stopped at the doorway, turned, and stared at her two greatest creations.

It should be three, actually.

She felt the catch in her throat, and the wobble in her chest. She could feel her heart rate speed up.

Shit!

She put a hand against the doorjamb to steady herself as she felt the anxiety build. Another panic attack was coming on, but she fought against it, taking deep breaths, thinking about good things, willing her racing heart to slow the hell down. She felt shame, she felt weak. It made her angry, which didn’t help matters at all.

She walked quickly to the bathroom and washed her face and let her belly settle along with her nerves. Like some working mothers, she worried she was doing them irreparable harm by being away so much. She was missing important moments in their lives. She wasn’t thinking about big things; she was thinking about being around in the morning to make them breakfast, which she planned to do before she left for the airport. But how many other such times had she missed?

Too many.

And hurried late-night catchups were just not going to cut it. But what was she supposed to do? Quit her job? Ask for a nine-to-five desk assignment that would require no travel? That was not how the Bureau worked. Not if she wanted to keep moving up. And she did. Otherwise, what was the point?

She felt an attack coming on again, and she sat on the toilet lid doing meditative breathing and thinking of spending time with her kids, until she got herself back together.

Downstairs her mother was waiting with a pot of tea and a plate of graham crackers. They had been her favorites since White was a kid.

Serena Washington was taller than her daughter and fuller figured, but their features were similar; her mother’s eyes were quick and took everything in, just like White’s.

“Are you coming down with something, Frederica? You look a little out of it.”

“I’m okay, just a little tired.” She turned so her mother couldn’t see her eyes. Her reddened eyes, her unnerved look.

“And did you accomplish what you came back up here for?” asked Washington.

“I accomplished enough. I head back to Florida tomorrow.” She looked around. “I wish I had something stronger than tea.”

“Then I got your back on that.”

Her mother rose and came back with a bottle of scotch and two tumblers. She poured out the drinks and set one in front of her daughter. “My grandbabies are doing fine. But they miss you.”

“I know they do. If I didn’t have bills to pay I’d spend all my time with them.”

“They would hate that. Buffers make the hearts grow fonder. Closeness is a buzzkill.”

“Is that how you and Daddy worked it?”

“Yes, only I had to keep reminding him. Your father didn’t like buffers between him and his kids.”

“You worked, too.”

“But at your school. It was different. I saw quite a lot of you all.” She added with a mischievous smile, “For better or worse.”

“I just want my children to grow up to be good people who will take care of their momma in her old age. Or at least come by and visit me at the nursing home.”

Washington glanced away at this light-hearted remark, and White bit her lip.

“I’m sorry, Momma, that came out way wrong.”

“In baseball, hitting three hundred in your career might get you into the Hall of Fame. As a parent, hitting four hundred just means you failed at everything.”

“Daddy getting killed like that, it messed with Randall and Frank,” White said. “They were younger and went through hell. Half the town hated us and thought the racist asshole that killed Daddy got cheated somehow. And Randall and Frank got the brunt of it. I was nearly out of high school when it happened. Denise and Teddy were already in college. You were suddenly a single parent with five kids. And two of them were getting torn up every day by something they and you had no control over. What could you do about that?”

“I don’t make excuses for myself, Frederica, and you shouldn’t make excuses for me.”

They took sips of their scotch and let it go down slow and smooth.

White felt her anxiety rising again and took another sip.

Smooth and slow, girl. You got this. You have to have this.

Her mother reached over and gripped her hand. The two women’s gazes met, and in that look White knew her mother understood exactly what was going on with her daughter.

“I’m terrified I’m going to mess up with them, you know,” said White breathlessly.

“The babies will be fine.”

“They’re not babies, Momma. They’re over halfway to adulthood. Lots of things can go wrong. And I can’t expect you to always be there for me or them.”

“Calvin and Jacky are my flesh and blood. You think there’s anything I won’t do for them?”

White looked away and shut her eyes. If I screw up with my kids? If they turn out to go down the path that my younger brothers did? If one of them does, I’m batting five hundred and I’ll be a failure at the most important job I’ll ever have.

“You will not mess up with them, Frederica. You won’t allow yourself to, and I sure as hell won’t let you.”

White opened her eyes to see her mother staring at her with the assured look of the assistant principal she used to be.

“You promise?”

“Honey, I don’t have to promise, do I? I’m here. Walk the walk, bullshit is just talk.”

White nodded and squeezed her mother’s hand before letting it go.

Her mother said, “So, how are things with this Decker fellow?”

“Better, actually. He told me to tell all of you hello.”

“So, you said he lost his child too?”

White’s gaze drifted from the half finger of scotch she had left, to her mother’s large, watchful eyes. “Yes, he did.”

“Then you two can understand each other.”

White’s brow furrowed at the statement. “What do you mean?”

“Understanding from a loss like that, Frederica. You don’t get the real person from good times. You get them from the bad times, the awful ones. You both got your hearts broken and in some ways they can never be repaired. I know. I had mine broken. But that’s also a bond between two people; you have something powerful in common. You can use that to turn a horrible event into maybe something positive. For both of you.”

White looked incredulously at her mother. “We’re just professional colleagues, Momma. We do a job together. No more and no less. We’re not going to be besties. We’re way different people even if we had similar losses. And I don’t even know if I really like the man. So don’t make it into something it’s not. And don’t tell me to go and pray on it. I don’t have the time or the inclination. In case you didn’t know, I have a lot on my plate.”

“Well, if that’s all you want to see in it,” her mother said in a disappointed tone.

“I think that’s all I can see in it. You don’t know him like I do. And I don’t really know Decker at all.”

“I think you know him better than you think. At least in the most important ways.”

“Why do you care about that?”

“I care about that, because I care about you.”