Lost and Found

Chapter Twelve

Derek’s eyes widened. “What? No. Of course not.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come on be honest, you two don’t need me hanging around. You need your marital privacy.”

Derek shook his head, squinted. “No, it’s fine, Nate. We don’t mind you being here. In fact…you may be able to do something…no, that sounds really bad.”

Nate frowned. “What sounds bad? What do you mean?”

Derek sighed. “I don’t know how to say this.” He looked away. “You know Krissa and I have been trying to have a baby.”

“Yeah.” Nate wasn’t sure where this was going. If Derek’s problem was his sterility, they couldn’t blame Nate being there and interfering in their sex lives for their lack of children.

“She wants a baby so bad.” He closed his eyes. “I don’t even totally understand it. It’s a woman thing, I guess.”

“I don’t know,” Nate said quietly. “Some guys want kids, too.”

“I do want kids. But…well, I already told you how I feel about it.”

“Yeah. And I know how disappointed Krissa is.”

“Yeah.”

There was silence. Both men gulped their beer.

“Well.” Derek swallowed, drank more beer. “Uh.”

Nate stared at his friend. Derek, the smooth talking salesman, was having a hard time spilling what was on his mind.

“What’s up buddy? Tell me.”

Derek rubbed his face. “This is the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever had. Okay. Here it is. We want you to donate your sperm.”

Nate’s head dipped and his eyes went wide. “Huh?”

“We want you to be the father of our child. Since I can’t.” Derek’s voice sounded different…thick. “Oh, man. This is hard. I never thought I’d be asking this. But, Jesus, if I have to…Krissa’s right. I want it to be you.”

“Me?” Nate still wasn’t sure he understood what Derek was saying. “I don’t get it.”

“Artificial insemination is one of the only options left for us. I don’t want to use an anonymous sperm donor, even if I can pick his IQ and eye color.” Nate heard the bitter tone in his voice. “But…” Derek lifted his eyes and met Nate’s. “I’d pick you.”

Nate shook his head. “You want my sperm?”

“Yes.”

Silence expanded in the room. Nate heard the faint tick of the clock in the kitchen.

“Jesus,” he finally said. He drained his beer and clattered it down on the coffee table. “I’m flattered, buddy, but…wow.”

“I know.” Derek blew out a breath. “I know. There are a lot of things to think about. Things we’d all need to agree on. We wouldn’t expect you to have any obligation to the child…we wouldn’t even have to tell the child.”

Nate shook his head. “Jesus Christ.”

“That’d be my preference,” Derek said. “Only, you, Krissa and I would ever have to know.”

Nate’s mind spun in circles. He didn’t know what to think. He’d be giving them a baby. He’d be giving Krissa a baby.

For some reason that touched something deep inside him. Like a finger poking him. He closed his eyes.

It would be his baby. But it would be their baby. Not his.

It was too much to comprehend.

“I would really love to help you two,” Nate said slowly. “You know I would. But this is…big.”

“Yeah, I know. Look, don’t make a decision right away. Think about it. Talk to Krissa about it, if you want. You know how much she wants this.”

“Does she know…you’re asking me this?”

“Yeah.” Derek smiled crookedly. “This was her idea.”

“Oh.” Nate shook his head, rubbed a hand over his mouth. “Okay.”

Krissa’s idea. She wanted this.

“But you’re okay with it?” Nate eyed Derek.

“Yeah, actually. I am. I thought about it and she’s right. I don’t want an anonymous donor. I want someone I know. I don’t have any brothers, so who else would it be?”

It touched Nate that they would think of him, but the whole idea scared the hell out of him. “What all is involved?”

“Hell if I know. Krissa’s the one who’s done all the research. She’d know. Talk to her tomorrow. After you think about it. Just…” Derek hesitated. “Don’t say no too quickly, Nate. She wants this so bad. It’s putting a strain on our marriage—has been for months. You’d be doing more than just helping us…you’d be saving us.”

Nate’s gut clenched. “No pressure, huh.”

Derek grinned. “Sorry. I really did not want to pressure you.”

“What if I say no? You gonna kick me out?”

“Christ, no!”

“You won’t be mad?”

Derek sighed. “Well, I can’t say I won’t be disappointed. And I can’t speak for Krissa. I warned her not to get her hopes up, because it’s your decision and you can say no. Absolutely. But I hope she wouldn’t hold it against you.”

Nate nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

Derek sagged with relief. “Oh, God. Thanks, man. That’s all we ask right now.”

Nate stood. “I think I’ll go turn in. Not that I’m likely gonna be able to sleep.”

Derek stood too. “Okay.”

Nate went upstairs to his room, past the closed door of Derek and Krissa’s bedroom. He’d heard the water running earlier, knew she was in there naked in the tub. Probably sick with worry and fear about the conversation they’d just been having.

Well, no more so than him. He couldn’t stop the string of curse words that ran through his head. This was so outrageous, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever been more dumfounded.

He threw himself down onto his bed, tossed the hated sunglasses aside in the dark room. Okay, yeah, there’d been times in his life when he’d been just as stunned. The day his wife had died. There wasn’t much that could compare to the shock, horror and disbelief of something like that. This was big, but not like that. Not life-altering.

Or when he’d found out his wife had been having an affair. Also an event that had changed him forever. Destroyed his trust, the love he’d had for his wife. Then of course he’d felt guilty, because she was dead. And he’d never gotten to ask her the one question that was left hanging over his head…

Who was the father of her baby?

But even if she’d still been alive, she couldn’t have answered that question, because according to her journal, she didn’t even know. Fuck.

His chest tightened and his eyes ached at the memories. Why was he reliving this now? He’d done his best to run and hide from the pain. Now it was back, biting him on the ass.

He got up and paced around the bedroom, adrenaline flooding his bloodstream and making him unable to lay still.

He could donate sperm. It was no big deal. He wasn’t ever likely going to have kids of his own, and even if he did meet someone someday…he shivered. Even if he did marry and have children, what difference would it make?

People donated sperm all the time. That’s how sperm banks existed. He’d go into some clinic, jack off into a cup, and be done. He’d take off as soon as his sight came back, leaving behind a happy couple with their marriage saved.

Fuck off, he thought. Having babies doesn’t ever save a marriage if it’s in trouble. If Derek and Krissa thought this was the way to fix their problems, they needed to get over that pretty fucking quick.

But he had no idea how big their problems were. And if the stress of trying to have a baby really was the problem, then maybe this would help.

He fisted his hands in his too-long hair and yanked on it, let out a growl of frustration.

There was no doubt he wanted to help his friends. Of course he did. And when he thought of Krissa, something softened inside him. He’d become…fond of her the last few days, spending time with her while Derek was at work, getting to know her better. The image of her holding the baby in her arms, the tenderness on her face as she looked down at her, grabbed at his heart.

Why wouldn’t he do that for her?

Krissa sat at the desk in her office, compiling the feedback she’d received at the end of her sessions the day before. She enjoyed working with Phoenix Insurance. They were committed to making things better for their employees and she appreciated that.

She heard Nate get up, use the bathroom, go to the kitchen. She should go out there. But her tummy fluttered and leaped and her fingers trembled. She tried to keep Derek’s advice in mind—don’t get your hopes up. She’d been disappointed so many times over the last couple of years. Every twenty-eight days, basically. Every month when she’d hoped her period wouldn’t arrive. And then it did. Disappointment had sucked her down into a morass of self pity and every month it was a harder and harder struggle to get out of it.

This felt like the last time. The last hope. If Nate said no…how was she ever going to go on?

Don’t be ridiculous. She shook her head at her melodramatic thoughts. Of course she’d go on. Life went on. She’d be disappointed, but it’s not like she was going to die or anything. She shook her head.

But she couldn’t tame the flock of butterflies inside her that easily.

She finished compiling the feedback, calculated averages for responses and entered them in a spreadsheet. She’d send the report to Phoenix so they’d know their training had been well-received. She saved the spreadsheet in her Phoenix file, then closed it and stood up.

She went out to the kitchen, wondering if Nate was there.

But the kitchen was deserted. Nate’s empty mug sat on the counter, along with a plate with crumbs and a knife. She sighed, but a smile tugged at her lips. He must be feeling at home, because at first he’d been so careful to clean up after himself. Unlike Derek, who thought nothing of leaving plates and dishes all over the house, empty beer bottles on the floor next to the couch, dirty socks beside the hamper instead of inside it. Men.

She put the dishes into the dishwasher, wiped the counter although it was clean. She refilled her own coffee mug, went back to the office. Nate must have gone out, or maybe downstairs to the gym to work out.

She needed to work out. That would be a cure for her tautly strung nerves. But she’d wait until Nate was done. She had work to do anyway.

Her cell phone rang, which was her business phone, and when she answered it, Gemini Technologies was calling to tell her she’d been awarded the contract to work with them on their merger with another software company. They wanted help to merge the two corporate cultures, and since she’d worked for both companies and knew them well, she had an advantage over other consultants. This was a big contract—the money was equivalent to a whole year’s salary in her last job. One contract!

This was huge! Big enough to actually distract her from worrying about Nate’s response to their request. She talked to the client for nearly half an hour, working out details and arranging to meet the following week.

This contract ensured her business success. Excitement bubbled up inside her. She had to tell someone.

She hurried out of her office and downstairs to the basement. Sure enough, Nate lay on the padded bench, pushing weights above his shoulders.

His bare chest gleamed with sweat. His biceps bulged as he lifted the weight, muscles in his chest and abdomen rippling. His body was tanned and fit, and she didn’t know what he’d looked like before he’d gotten food poisoning and lost weight, but he definitely looked incredible now.

She stopped in the door, dry mouthed, her news momentarily forgotten. She swallowed with difficulty.

Nate noticed her standing there and the barbell across his chest wobbled. Then he slowly lowered it. “Hey.”

“Hey. Guess what?” She took a step forward. “I just got a call from Gemini Technologies. They just gave me a big contract!”

Nate sat up, grabbed a towel from the floor and wiped his face. The sunglasses hid his eyes as usual, but she could see his smile. “Hey, that’s great. Congratulations.”

“This is so incredible!” She clasped her hands together and walked closer. The musky male scent of Nate’s body tickled her nose. “The money is great and it’s such an important client—their name will look so impressive on my client list.”

“Awesome.”

“I just had to tell someone and I thought you might be down here.”

“Yeah. I like having the gym right here, it’s been so easy to work out.”

Her eyes moved over him again. “Mmm. I was thinking I need to work out. I haven’t lately and it would definitely help with all the stress.”

Well, she’d said it and now it was out there, hanging between them. She knew that he knew exactly what all her stress was related to.

He paused, sitting on the weight bench, the towel clasped in his hands.