Lost and Found

Chapter Thirty-One

“And—get ready for this—I just found out today…I’m pregnant.”

“Oh for shit’s sake,” Cam breathed.

“Yup.” Krissa smiled through her tears. “Pretty ironic, huh?”

“I suppose. I guess you can’t be very far…”

“Two months.”

“Oh, lord. But Krissa…it’s great! You wanted to be a mother. You’ll be a fantastic mother. It’ll be okay. Eric and I will do whatever you need—hey! I’ll be your labor coach. I’ve been through it a couple of times.”

Krissa choked on laugh, wiped her face with tissues she’d retrieved. “Thanks. That would be great. I…I’ll need some help.”

“Whatever we can do. You’ve done so much for me—coming and rescuing me when I’m having a breakdown. Cleaning my house while I’m at work. Listening to all my bitching and complaining. I’ll do anything for you.”

They shared a tearful, emotional hug.

“Anything?” Krissa asked.

“Of course.”

“Can you tell my mother?”

She’d been joking. In a way. Telling her parents she was pregnant wasn’t going to be fun. They were going to tell her to go back to Derek. They’d blame her for the marriage ending, somehow. Just like Derek had blamed her all along.

But after telling Cam how she felt, and ending up with a stronger bond between them, she felt a little more confident she could do it. She could stand up to her mother. She didn’t want to make Derek the scapegoat for everything, because, although she wasn’t willing to take all the blame for their marriage falling apart, she knew she’d had a part in it. But she wanted her mother to understand that she was not responsible for everything that had gone wrong.

How would she make her understand that without telling her the entire gut-wrenching tale? A tale her mother would find appalling.

Her insides twisted and churned as she drove to her parents’ home the following week. She’d been to the doctor, had her pregnancy confirmed. She had to tell them. She was going to need all the support she could get in the coming months, but if they wouldn’t…she could survive. She knew it.

She parked in the huge curved driveway at the front of the imposing house, feeling intimidated even though she’d lived there most of her life. She didn’t ring the bell, but opened one of the double doors into the spacious foyer with its marble-tiled floor, high ceiling and a chandelier dripping crystals. “Hello!”

“Krissa?” She heard the tap of her mother’s heels, then she appeared in the hall from the family room. “Hi! Come in, darling.”

Krissa closed the door behind her, took a deep breath. She and her mother gave each other a polite hug and then Krissa followed her down the hall. “Your father and I are just having an after-dinner drink. Come and join us.”

Well, there was a quick way to break the news.

“What would you like, Krissa? I’m having sherry.” Her mother held up a glass. “Or we have a very nice Sauvignon Blanc…”

“Nothing, thanks.”

“Nothing?” Her mother blinked.

“Well…do you have some iced tea, maybe?”

“Of course. I’ll get it.”

“Hi, baby.” Her dad stood and gave her a much warmer hug. “Haven’t seen you in ages. How’re you doing?” He searched her eyes with his green ones so like her own. Had his hair receded even more? Probably, but he still looked distinguished and handsome, even with his middle softening a little.

“I’m okay, Dad.” She smiled at him. “How about you? How’s work?”

“Oh, great.” He talked about interest rates and mortgages until Lizbeth returned with the glass of tea.

“Here you go.” She handed the glass over. “Have a seat. So, Krissa, are you okay? We’ve been worried about you.”

“I’m okay, Mom. Really.”

“I just can’t believe you and Derek…” She shook her head, the corners of her mouth turned down. “It’s such a shame.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Lizbeth fastened her gaze on Krissa. “Did he find out about…?”

Krissa waited. “About what?”

Lizbeth shot a glance at her husband. “About you and…Nate.”

“Nate?” her father put in with a frown. “What’s he got to do with this?”

Krissa returned her mother’s gaze. “You think I was cheating on Derek, don’t you? And that’s why our marriage ended.”

“Well…that morning I came over and you two…”

“What?” David’s frown deepened. “Krissa, what the hell did you do?”

She looked from her mother to her father, then sipped her tea. “You’ve already judged me,” she said. Strangely the butterflies billowing in her tummy had calmed down. She’d done it with Cameron. She could do it with them.

“Of course we haven’t, but I saw…” Lizbeth’s voice trailed off. “And then you didn’t want to talk about it, so I assumed…”

“I guess I should have explained to you what was going on,” Krissa agreed quietly. “But it’s complicated.” She paused. “I came here to tell you some news.”

They looked at her expectantly.

“I’m pregnant.”

The widening of the eyes was identical on both of them and they turned and shared a look before swiveling back to face Krissa. “Pregnant? Oh, Krissa! So you and Derek are getting back together?”

“No.”

“No?”

Krissa licked her lips and took a breath. “Derek and I are done, for good. I found out after we split up that I’m pregnant. But we won’t be getting back together.”

“But…why not?”

“Derek cheated on me.”

“He what!”

She nodded, took another sip of the lemony tea, icy cold and sweet.

“Krissa, what did you do?”

And there it was. “What did I do?” she asked calmly. “He cheated, and you ask what did I do?”

“There must have been a reason. Usually when men cheat it’s because they aren’t getting enough…you know…at home.”

Krissa laughed. “We had lots of sex, Mom.”

She took a strange pleasure in the red that stained her mother’s cheeks.

“But then…you’re going to have the baby on your own?” Her mother looked horrified.

“It’s not that bad. Lots of women do it.” She smiled. “Don’t worry, Mom. I won’t make you change diapers.”

Lizbeth didn’t even smile at that. “But, Krissa. Having a child is difficult, even with a husband. I should know. But without…” She shuddered.

“Yes, I know that you are well familiar with how difficult it is to have a child,” Krissa said, the butterflies replaced with stinging hornets of anger. They swarmed inside her, trying to get out. “Once again I’m sorry that I wrecked your life.”

“Krissa.” Her father interjected with a frown.

“That’s what she believes,” Krissa told him. “You know it, and I know it. Only, you know what, Mom? I am not responsible for everyone else’s problems. Derek made choices in his life. You made choices in your life. I had nothing to do with those choices.”

They both stared at her open-mouthed.

The shocked surprise on their faces gave her a funny little rush. The desire to shock them more.

“So, since you’ve already judged me, you may as well know…the baby isn’t Derek’s. The baby is Nate’s. You were right. I was screwing around with him. But…Derek was right there with us.” Their sharply indrawn breaths were audible across the room. “The three of us were in a relationship. Derek is sterile and we wanted Nate to be the father of our baby. But things didn’t work exactly like we planned.” Her mouth twisted. “It’s true, Derek cheated on me. It’s been going on for years. You can blame me for it if you want. I don’t care, because I know it wasn’t my fault.”

Krissa swallowed the last of the tea and clunked the glass down onto the cocktail table. She stood up, slung her purse over her shoulder.

“Thanks for your support, Mom and Dad.”

The sight of her mother’s face, all the color drained out of it, her eyes hazy, almost stopped her from walking out. But hell, she had momentum going, she might as well go with it.

Krissa wasn’t sure what should happen next. She was not going to apologize to her parents for shocking them, though. They’d either accept her and not judge her for what she’d done or… She sighed, sitting by the pool with a magazine the next night. Several people were enjoying the pool in the warm evening. Krissa smiled as Joe Surfer Dude tossed one of the teenage girls into the water, her scream submerged in a splash. Krissa felt way older than her neighbors but at least they were human company.

Why she even thought of apologizing, she had no idea. Long-standing guilt nibbled at her. She really had to get over that. But if she ever wanted any relationship with them, she’d likely have to make the first move.

Or not. Her tummy flipped over as she spotted her mother at the gate of the wrought-iron fence enclosing the pool. She slowly flipped her magazine closed, rose out of the chair she’d been sitting in. She lifted a hand to her mother and walked toward her.

She opened the gate. “Hi.”

“Hello.” They eyed each other. “Krissa. We need to talk.”

Her mom’s face looked tight, with faint lines around her eyes and mouth.

“Sure. Let’s go up to my place.”

“This is a nice building.”

“It’s okay.”

Lizbeth followed her up the wooden stairs to her second-floor door. Krissa unlocked it and led the way in.

Lizbeth looked around. “Oh, Krissa. I hate to see you living like this.”

“It’s fine, Mom. I have what I need.”

“Are you…do you have enough money?”

“I have money. My business is doing okay. I’ll be fine, really. I’m just starting over, that’s why it looks so bare in here.”

“You know, half of everything you had with Derek is yours.”

Krissa blinked at her. “Well…yes. It is. But…in the end, there wasn’t much I wanted. Just what I needed.”

“You need a lawyer,” her mother said firmly. “That house must be worth a few million dollars. Half of that is yours.”

“There was a humongous mortgage on it,” Krissa muttered.

“Krissa. This isn’t just about you. It’s about your child, too. I’ll get you the name of our lawyer tomorrow. Call him.”

Krissa blinked. “Okay.” She gestured to the sofa. “Have a seat. Would like a drink? Coffee? Tea?”

“Tea would be lovely.”

Krissa didn’t have a kettle so she put two mugs of water into the microwave. She opened a cupboard and found two boxes. “Earl Grey or green tea?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

She plucked two green tea bags out and waited for the water.

“When is the baby due?” her mother asked. Her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

“In March. March twenty-first.”

“Well. That’s accurate.”

Krissa shrugged. The microwave dinged and she reached in for the steaming mugs, dropped a teabag into each. “I know the exact day I got pregnant.”

“Oh.”

“I know you don’t approve.” Krissa carried the mugs over to the couch and set them on the small table in front. “I’m sorry, Mom.” Damn it, the apology had just slipped out. “But what happened, happened.”

“You shocked us last night.”

“I know.” She fought back the smile that tugged her lips.

Her mother’s own mouth twitched—shockingly. “You enjoyed, that didn’t you?”

Krissa stared. “Um…yes.”

Lizbeth shook her head. “I think there’s a lot more to the story than you told us.”

“Well…yeah.”

“I don’t know if I want to hear it.”

“I don’t know if I want to tell you.” They looked at each other for a stretched out moment.

“That’s fine,” Lizbeth said finally. “We love you, Krissa. I don’t know what happened between you and Derek and Nate. I really don’t know if…” She drew in a breath. “If I can ever…understand. I only…I wish…” She sputtered to stop. She took a quick sip of her tea.

“What, Mom?”

“I’m afraid you’ve been very hurt by all this,” Lizbeth said, almost in a whisper. “Your husband cheated on you…that’s enough to destroy any woman. But…did Derek cheat on you because of…Nate?”

Krissa breathed in. And out. Once again, it all came back to what she’d done. “No. He’d been cheating on me for a long time.”

“Oh.”

Krissa rubbed her mouth. “I don’t want to bad-mouth Derek to you. I know you like him. I loved him, too. I think he feels awful about what he’s done.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Derek wanted a baby?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that! Every time I see you, you tell me not to have children!”

Lizbeth looked down. “I want the best for you, Krissa. I want you to have whatever it is you want.” She looked up. “I thought you wanted a career. And it was taking you long enough to get going.”

“Mom!”

“I’m just saying. Jumping from job to job. How would you expect to get promoted and rise up through a company when you only stay there for a year? Your father worked his whole life at the bank.”

“It doesn’t work that way anymore,” Krissa murmured. “Nobody works their whole life for one company.”

“Apparently. Anyway—I saw you doing that, and I was afraid…I thought having a baby would just interfere with your career even more. We were happy you started your own business, thinking maybe you’d finally found what you wanted to do.”

“I think I have.”

“But having a baby…just when you’re trying to start a business…”

For once, Krissa thought she understood where her mother was coming from. “I want both,” she said, meeting her mom’s eyes. “That’s what I want.”

“Then you should have both,” her mom said, sounding a little choked. “And we’ll do whatever we can to help you.”

“Thank you.”

They both looked into their mugs and sniffled.

“I’m sorry I gave you the impression I’m not happy with my life,” her mother said. She touched a finger to the outside corner of one eye and blinked. “Because the truth is, I love my life. I’ve been so very lucky to have your father and you girls. You were my life. Still are, even though you’re all grown and gone. It’s true, sometimes I think about what could have been…the career I could have had.”

“You still could have had it, Mom.”

“Yes.” She smiled faintly. “You are absolutely right. If I’d truly wanted it that much I would have had it. The truth is…” She swallowed. “I was afraid of trying. Afraid I didn’t have what it took to make it in the business world. Afraid I wouldn’t be the success I’d envisioned for myself.”

“And then you saw me…not being a success.”

They looked at each other. Krissa knew that’s what her mother had been thinking, even though she wasn’t agreeing with her. “I’m sorry, Krissa,” Lizbeth murmured. “I’m so sorry.” She turned the mug in her hands.

Silence settled between them.

“You know that saying? About the grass always being greener?” Lizbeth asked.

“I know.” Krissa shook her head. “Everyone wants what they don’t have. Sometimes I wonder if I really wanted a baby that much, or I just wanted it because I couldn’t have it.”

“You can be a little stubborn like that.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I understand, Krissa. Because I’m like that too. I thought I wanted a career. I saw women I’d gone to school with moving into senior positions…I wanted what they had. But I truly loved you and your sisters, and wanted to be the best mother I could be.” Her mom’s gaze softened. “You wanted a baby that much? That you would…”

“It’s complicated.” She looked down at her mug of tea.

“You seem so sad, Krissa. I know you want this baby…are you sure there’s no hope for you and Derek? If you love him…”

“I…I’m so confused about my feelings right now. I think Derek and I need to be apart. I need to figure out how I feel, and who I am. I’m just learning things about myself…”

“Maybe someday…”

“I don’t think so.” Krissa smiled at her mom. “I don’t want to give you false hope. I’m confused about things, but our marriage is over. I just need time. Time to be on my own, figure things out.”

“What about Nate?”

Krissa squirmed under her mother’s inquiring glance. “Same thing goes,” she murmured. “I need to figure out how I feel. But I will tell him about the baby. He has to know.”

“All right.” Her mother nodded. “So. You’ll need things for the baby.”