Love Is Power, or Something Like That: Stories

My Smelling Mouth Problem

I went to the dentist today for my smelling mouth problem and after the woman doctor said “Do ah!” she wrote something on her Yem-Kem notepad and told me I have halitosis. I nearly pissed inside my boxers when I heard that big word. I was sure it was one serious type of cancer. But when she told me that I should brush my teeth two times a day and eat fruit three times a day and drink plenty of water every day, I started to suspect that the English was too big for the thing that was doing me. So I asked her will it kill me. The woman looked at me like I was not a full-grown adult. But I was paying her money after all, and I know my right — so I asked her what does halitosis mean.

Smelling mouth. That’s what it means.

So now, let me tell you the reason why I went to the dentist today.

Yesterday, after I finished doing what I was doing in school, I went to where I will enter BRT bus. In case you don’t know, these are the new buses that the Lagos State governor imported brand-new from abroad. They are big and long like lorry, and they have their own special lane on the road, plus their own special bus stop, where there is no rushing and you must stand in queue. BRT buses are very popular. Why not? They are cheaper than danfo bus. Their body is still fresh, so therefore they will not tear your cloth. You must buy your ticket before you enter the bus and there is a bell inside that you will pull when you have reached your bus stop. The drivers and the conductors wear uniform and they are not riffraff. So you will save money and you will not be fighting with conductor to collect your change. You will not shout when you want to drop at your bus stop. No dirty conductor will take his smelling armpit and rub all over your face just because he is collecting his money. No drunkard driver will be driving speed like madman and will be cursing you when you tell him to take it easy. Also, in BRT, nobody will pick your pocket or touch your private part anyhow, not like in danfo, where they want to pack the whole of Lagos inside a fourteen-seater Toyota HiAce. So you see that there are many reasons why BRT buses are better than ordinary ones.

For me, the main reason why I only enter BRT bus is because of my smelling mouth problem. Every time I enter danfo, I must open my mouth. Whether it is to quarrel with the conductor for my change or it is to shout when the bus is passing my bus stop, I must open my mouth. And because they pack us like sardine, every time I open my mouth there is a problem. Even when I sit beside the window, it is still a problem. Either the person beside me will look me with bad eye, or the person at my back will say, “Who has messed?” or the whole bus will gather together and advise me to be brushing my teeth. I am sick and tired of this embarrassment. That is why I only enter BRT bus, where I don’t have to open my mouth.

It has reached the time that I will describe myself so that you will know the kind of person I am.

I am from Poteko in the South-South, but I am right now based in Lagos because I am pursuing my OND at LASPOTECH. I am the last born of my mother, and this year April 13 will make me twenty-two years on the dot. In my looks, I am somehow handsome and I am not too short. Also, I have muscles. Some of my Lagos friends are thinking that I have body because I used to do weight lifting before, but the real truth is, from the time I was small I used to follow my mother to her cocoyam farm — that is why I have muscles.

Anyhow, as I was telling you before, when I reached the BRT Park it was only air-conditioned buses that were remaining. (That is another good thing about BRT: some of them have air conditioners. But the bad thing is that the AC bus is more costly than the ones that don’t have AC. Still yet, even with air conditioner, BRT is cheaper than danfo.) So I paid the extra sixty naira for the AC bus — it pained me, I won’t lie — then I entered and selected one seat near the window. (There is no reason for me to be sitting near window in BRT, but I am used to it.) I was like the number seven person in the bus, so I knew I had to wait for long before the bus will full up. The driver had not put on the AC, so the bus was hot.

After small time, I opened the window for breeze to enter. I was feeling thirsty and I wanted to buy pure water from the hawkers, but I didn’t see any small children. As I was looking, one fat man who was wearing KAI uniform started to stroll near the bus. Immediately my eyes saw him, my brain picked that it looks like KAI are starting to do their work, that these days when it is schooltime you will not see any small children that are selling things. This governor, the man is trying o. First LASTMA, then LAWMA, then LASAA, then BRT, and now Kick Against Indiscipline. All that is remaining for the man to give us in Eko is PAP — poverty alleviation program. After that one, he can go to Aso Rock.

Anyhow, as I was saying, there were no small children selling pure water. And me, I cannot buy anything from old mamas and young girls because of my smelling mouth problem. Those old mamas, they can give advice anyhow, and those young girls, they have bad mouth, they like to curse too much. But the small children, they will not talk when I open my mouth, they will just turn their face to one side.

As I could not buy pure water, and the heat was worrying me too much, I started to think that maybe I should listen to music to cool myself down. So then I brought out my phone and my earphones, and I put the earphones inside my ear. Dagrin died like two months ago and since that time his music is reigning, everybody is playing it, whether inside barbing salon or inside nightclub, whether big boys or street girls, all of them are playing his songs. So last week I went to Computer Village and copied his whole album into my Motorola. For like three days I have not listened to any song except the one that he sang with Omawumi, and somehow, even though I still like the song, I am sick and tired of it. So I started to listen to “Pon Pon Pon” again.

I got myself when the engine of the bus started. The air conditioner was on and the bus was full up. My ears were paining me. And also, the window near me was open. So I closed the window and removed the earphones from inside my ear, then I locked my phone and put it inside my pocket. After that, I raised my hand to adjust the air conditioner so that the chilled air would reach me well. When the bus started to move, I started to look outside, so that the old mama who was sitting on the same seat with me won’t have any chance to start discussion.

Small time, we entered go slow. In case you don’t know, this is a normal thing in Lagos, even now that we have LASTMA. The go slow was a bad one, but the air conditioner was blowing well, so me, I was okay. There was one fine yellow woman who was sitting on one of the seat at my back, who was talking to herself. She was saying that she was in trouble because of the go slow, that people were waiting for her at her shop and her phone battery was dead, so she could not call the people to tell them that she was coming. I felt pity for her. The woman was fine.

In fact, let me describe her so that you will know the kind of person she is.

Her skin is very yellow, like those Igbo albino that have black hair. But the woman is wearing a head scarf, so I suspect that she is Yoruba. Her nose is straight and very fine, and it has one small earring inside it. The earrings inside her ears are very big and also they are very flashy. She has two types, one is round like a bicycle tire and it is gold color, the other one has many ropes that are shining like decoration. She has red-color lipstick on her lips and she has blue-color eye shadow on her eyes. She is wearing a green-color satin top with short sleeves and also she is wearing very tight blue-color jeans. She is slim like a sisi, but her breasts are big and even as she is sitting down I can notice that her hips are big too. She did not paint her fingernails but her toenails are red like chicken blood.

Anyhow, our bus was moving slowly but surely — LASTMA officials were controlling the go slow. As I was thinking to myself how everything is going on well, something happened. The air conditioner went off. At first, I was thinking that it was only for a short time, and the other passengers were thinking the same thing too, because nobody was saying anything. But after like ten minutes the bus started to get hot like the inside of iron container, and people started to grumble small-small. Me, I just kept quiet, because if I open my mouth in that hot place, it is me that will be responsible for anything that will happen.

After small time, I opened my window, because all over the whole bus other people were opening their window. I was sweating. The old mama beside me was sweating. Everybody was sweating. Thirstiness started to worry me again. My condition was so bad that I started to wonder how bad it will be if I had made mistake to enter danfo. Joy gripped me when I thought about all the things I was enduring in the past, inside those iron coffins that those wicked NURTW people are agreeing to register as transport bus. Inside my mind, I started to praise Lagos State governor. If only our president had sense like him, maybe Nigeria will not be where it is.

Suddenly, somebody near me was complaining. It was a man whose voice resembled soldier. Let me describe him so that you will know the kind of person he is.

His head is shining because he has scraped off all his hair. His neck is thick like a cow’s own. He is very tall and very huge and his skin is a chocolate color. The whole of his skin is shining like he has rubbed Vaseline. He is wearing a blue-color native and his sandal is pure leather (I have not seen the design before, so it is not the cheap type that you can buy under Oshodi Bridge). I am suspecting that he is a Muslim, because his feet are clean, there is no dust on them, and it is afternoon time. The way the man’s skin is shining shows evidence that he has money. His voice is very deep, like baritone, so I am suspecting that he will have a bad temper. But I just like the man — he makes me to remember Mr. Kosoko, my social studies teacher when I was in primary five.

Anyhow, this was the man that was complaining. He was shouting that the driver should put on the AC, that we paid extra sixty naira so therefore we must enjoy it. The driver did not do like he heard the man. Maybe it was because we were sitting at the back of the bus, or maybe it was because the bus radio was on and it was singing Fela’s “Confusion” at very high volume. So then, the man was raising his voice, and other people started to support him. All the time this trouble was going on, we were inside standstill go slow and the inside of the bus was like it was catching fire.

By now, all over the whole bus, people were saying that the driver must put on the AC. Then the Mr. Kosoko man started to get very angry. He was shouting that BRT bus is government motor; that no driver can be oppressing us with a motor that is not his own; that if the AC is not working then the driver should refund us back our sixty naira or he should take us back to the park so that we can enter another bus that has AC that is working. All the passengers, all over the whole bus, all of them agreed with him. So they started to shout, “Take us back!”

That yellow fine woman who was sitting near me, she did not talk all the whole time this trouble was going on. But immediately the other people started to say that we should go back, the woman shouted, “No o!” She was sitting on the seat at the back of the Mr. Kosoko man, and after she shouted no, the man turned round to look at her. He wanted to curse her but when he saw that she was very fine, he did not say anything again. But all the other people were shouting at her, they were saying that didn’t we pay extra sixty naira for the AC, that why is she causing confusion, that it is because of people like her that our country is bad.

There was one man that was wearing a black suit. He was sitting at the extreme back of the bus. The man was sweating like a Christmas goat. The man and the yellow fine woman started to have argument with each other.

“Why are you saying that we should not go back?” the black suit man was asking her.

“It is unfair! Can’t you see the hold up? By the time we go back and come back to enter this hold up again, time has gone!”

“But shouldn’t we stand up for our rights?”

“Look, oga, you’re talking English. Is it today that you want to fight for your right? Go and quarrel with police or even with politician, if you want your right. The AC that spoilt is not the driver’s fault!”

“I am not saying that the spoiled AC is the driver’s fault, but I will stand on my right. I have the right to demand that I get the service I paid for. Or at least a refund.”

“Sorry o, oga activist, since you don’t have anything better to do than to be fighting BRT driver. But me, I have people waiting for me at my shop, I can’t afford to be wasting time because of nonsense AC. If you like AC so much, why not go and buy your own motor and put AC inside?”

“Whether I have a car or not is none of your business. What I am saying is that all of us paid extra sixty naira for the AC, and so we have the right to demand it.”

“Oya, go and demand for it,” the yellow fine woman said. Then she raised her voice higher than everybody’s own. “Driver, don’t turn back o! Don’t listen to them. Carry go!”

I was looking at the Mr. Kosoko man when the yellow fine woman and the black suit man were quarrelling. After the woman shouted at the driver, the Mr. Kosoko man could not endure any more. He turned his face to be looking at me too, but he was talking to the yellow fine woman.

“Madam, why do you want to fight against all of us? Can’t you see that everybody wants to go back? Is it because of your own selfish reason that you want to prove obstruction to justice?”

The yellow fine woman faced him. “Yes, I am selfish, I agree! As if what you’re doing is not selfish too. Or you think it is everybody that wants to go back?”

“But you’re the only one who is against us. Everybody is saying that we should go back — you’re the only one who is causing opposition. You’re not more important than everybody o.”

“I’m not the only one! Other people are afraid to talk!” After she said this one, the yellow fine woman raised her voice so that it will reach all the other people inside the bus. “See this hold up, if we go back we will still come back to meet it here. And those BRT people will not even change the bus for us. They will just give us back our money and tell us to go and join queue again. If you agree with me that we should not go back, abeg raise your hand.”

Everybody inside the bus kept quiet and all of them were turning to look at each other. After small time, only two people raised their hand. One of them was the old mama who was sitting on the same seat with me. The other person was one bobo in brown-color T-shirt who was sitting on the same seat with the yellow fine woman. No other person raised their hand.

“You see,” said the Mr. Kosoko man, “you people are the minority. It is all of us against only three of you. Even if we are practicing democracy, we are still the winners. Driver, the people have spoken. If you don’t want trouble, take us back!”

“Don’t go back o, driver!” the yellow fine woman shouted. “Don’t mind them, it is you that is driving, just ignore all of them!”

So the quarrel started again and the yellow fine woman — to tell you the truth, that woman has sharp mouth — was facing everybody. Me, I was just enjoying myself. It is true that I wanted to talk, I wanted to tell the yellow fine woman that it is not only because of AC that we are fighting, that if we don’t stand up for our right then BRT bus will become like danfo too and they will be taking us for granted and treating us anyhow, but because of my smelling mouth problem, I could not say anything. Then the bus started to move again. Small time, we reached the end of the road where if the bus turns right then we are continuing the journey, but if it turns left then we are going back. The bus turned left.

“Yeepa!” the yellow fine woman shouted. She put her hand on top of her head and started to scatter her head scarf. “Driver, so you’re going back? Mo gbe o — you have killed me! Ah!”

After she shouted, the Mr. Kosoko man turned round to look at her. By now she had removed her hand from on top of her head and she was using it to be slapping her lap. The Mr. Kosoko man stretched his hand to hold her hand, and he was rubbing the back of her hand softly, so that she will not be angry. “Don’t worry dear, take it easy, it is all right,” he was telling her, “we will not waste any time, you will see. Let me give my phone — you can use it to call the people that are waiting for you.”

True-true, the Mr. Kosoko man gave her his phone, and the yellow fine woman did not complain again. Small time, the two of them were laughing like they knew each other before.

When we reached the BRT park, people started to stand up and rush out before the bus has even stopped. Me, I was thinking that, see this people, what are they rushing for — the BRT people will put all of us inside another bus that is the same size, so everybody will surely get a seat. Anyhow, because I did not rush with them, I was the last person to drop from the bus. The driver was standing beside the door. He was talking to everybody as they were coming down. When it was my turn to drop, he was saying to me, “I’m sorry for the trouble, sir, the AC was working before, don’t worry about your ticket, please don’t be angry.” Wonders shall never end. You see why I only enter BRT bus?

Why not I quickly describe the driver so that you will know the kind of person he is?

He is tall a bit and his face is rough, like he used to have chickenpox before. He is wearing the sky-blue-color shirt and dark-blue-color trouser that is the uniform of BRT staff, but his own is ironed well, not like some of them. From the way he is smiling I can see that his children will be jumping up and down and shouting “Daddy oyoyo!” anytime he comes back to his house from work. In short, he is a good man.

Anyhow, when I reached the new bus that the BRT people had brought for us, the door was blocked because people were struggling to enter. The conductor was standing inside and he was shouting, “Don’t rush o — there are forty-nine of you and all of you will get seats!” but nobody was hearing him, young man, old woman, small children even, all of them were just rushing like it was a competition. Me, I just waited till everybody entered, before I entered.

I couldn’t believe it — the seats were full up! The conductor walked round the whole bus checking for empty seat, but everything was full up. So he came back to where I was standing and started to harass me.

“Are you sure you were in the other bus?”

Me, I just nodded.

“Who did you sit beside?”

I was using my eye to look for the old mama, but I didn’t see her. So I wanted to go to the front of the bus to look for her, but the conductor held my hand. By this time I had started to vex. Why will our people be cheating like this? Everything was going on well until somebody came to sit on my seat.

So then I pushed the conductor’s hand and I wanted to pass him to go and look for the old mama, but people started to complain. They started saying that I should talk now, that am I deaf and dumb, that why am I wasting their time, that the conductor should not fear my muscle, that all of them will gather and beat me if I touch him, that he should push me outside! As everybody was standing up and looking at me like I am a thief, all of a sudden my eyes saw the old mama. She was sitting at the extreme front of the bus.

So I shouted at the conductor, “See the woman I was sitting near! She is in front.”

As soon as I opened my mouth, everybody closed their mouth. Even though BRT bus is long — with forty-nine passengers, I did not know that before — yet in the front, people were making foonfoon sounds and covering their nose. The conductor squeezed his face like I have killed his mother. Then he released my hand and ran to the front, and the bus started to move.

So therefore, the whole long journey I have to be standing and taking advice from everybody about my smelling mouth problem. It wasn’t easy o, forty-nine people against only me. Those people, they nearly killed me with advice, I swear to God. And anytime I wanted to explain, they will just be shouting that I should shut up. Anyhow, to cut short long story, by the time I reached my bus stop they have analyzed the whole of my life and they have told me all the things that are causing my smelling mouth problem. So that is the reason why I went to the dentist today.